adult step daughter cause of most fights with my SO
My SO has a 25yo stepdaughter who is challenging to say the least.
She doesn't live with us but calls and talks to him most days.
She is sooooo negative and toxic like noone else i have ever met. We have nothing in common.
My SO loves her despite this and expects me to too.
This is hard when she is so incredibly rude to me behind his back.
we seem to fight constantly over her and my relationship.
According to my SO I am supposed to be the adult, be hospitable, be all accepting and forgiving.
It is really hard for me but i also acknowledge hard for my SO too as he seems to be leading a double life... time with me and the younger kids and time with her (step daughter).
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.
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She is an adult, too. Adults
She is an adult, too. Adults have boundaries. You can forgive her from a distance. Tell your DH you must treat her as you would any other 25 year old woman you met, say, on the job or in the grocery store. And that is rude adults are not invited into your inner circle, you protect yourself, and you cut a wide swath around her. It is absolutely unreasonable of him to expect you to volunteer to be abused.
There must be more than her
There must be more than her simply being a Negative Nelly that has you having this much disdain for her.
she became his step daughter
she became his step daughter when she was 8 and he struggled for years to win her over.
She was a wild child and teenager but he delivered her to adulthood without a criminal record.
She lives beyond her means (and is preparing for a wedding) she pays him attention and asks for money.
He likes that she comes to him and keeps handing over $$$.
They have periods where there is little contact... usually when he says no more money...
word gets back to him that she is struggling ... but to proud to ask for help... he reaches out to her and the ATM opens again.
I am 43 yo as is my SO so not
I am 43 yo as is my SO so not close in age at all.
I dont care how often they talk. My SO bends over backwards for her.... I get frustrated when she wrongs / hurts him... he vents to me... then forgives her.
eg.. She wanted to get a job at the hospital SO works at. He pulled a lot of strings got her an interview... then she called him the morning of the interview and said "I cant make the interview cause we are busy her today". He was devistated.... no talkies for a few weeks. The silence was broken when SO's son contacted him on her behalf "she is struggling to make ends meet....needs $$$ for rent, to pay for her honeymoon, wedding dress and hens night interstate".
SO went to rescue.
OMG. In fact, OMFG. This
OMG. In fact, OMFG. This would drive me right out of my mind. After ONE story like that, I would have to ask him not only not to vent to me, but don't tell me any of this putrid nonsense ever again.
I don't know what your financial arrangements with him are, but I hope you have found a way that you are not also supporting her somehow. This man is out of his mind.
Haven't asked him not to vent
Haven't asked him not to vent to me about her but see now this maybe a possible solution.
Thanks for listening. My SO does make me feel like I am an absolute bitch for not accepting and loving "his daughter".
Tell him you love HIM and
Tell him you love HIM and that's all you signed up for.
BTW, reading the whole thread, this man is demanding waaaaay too much from you. It is not loving of him to A) speak to you like that
invite you to dinner with his ex or "let you know" that he will be doing so.
It's a shared kid event, I get it. But he should let you know the event is coming up and ask you how you feel about the whole thing. Then decide TOGETHER how you are going to handle it as a couple. TOGETHER.
You are living inside this man's snow globe so it may be difficult for you to see outside it. I want you to know that this really is how my husband treats such things. It is NOT asking too much of your dh, it is normal, proper, usual husband behavior in the real world.
This too is my life right
This too is my life right now! So much stress and bullshit over a pathetic weak demanding manipulating woman, yet our SO's do not see them this way they only see them as helpless creatures. My SO just got his daughter a job too. We will see how long that lasts before her shannigans act up and blow back on him..... For a couple days before he forgives hands out and feels sorry for her again . Vicious cycle that seems to never end. I agree the blame lieson our SO's for not having a backbone.
Hugs to you i hope you are able to deal with it better than I do.
Nice to know I'm not
Nice to know I'm not alone.... Am not dealing with it well at all.
Funny SO has a backbone when if comes to me... last night he told me i was rude for saying "no thanks" when he asked me if I wanted to watch the step daughter (25yo) play touch football on Tuesday night. Her first game.
I work full time travel an hour each way to work... football is 40 minutes from home (opposite direction).
Post game they plan to go the the pub for dinner with his EX WIFE.
may GOD and lots of alcohol HELP ME.
That's not him having a
That's not him having a backbone, that's him being an asshole. "No" is not a rude word. If he thinks you telling him no thanks is rude he's got issues and so does your relationship. Not to mention dinner with his ex? Wtf? Why are you with this cretin? If he wants to have dinner with his ex, she shouldn't be his ex.
Did I read this correctly
Did I read this correctly that the 25yo is not his DD but his SD? Does that mean he's also still in touch w/bm?