Bm has a stalker so we're not sending SS this weekend
Bm told ss14 that she had a stalker that just got out of jail and she wanted him to know "just in case something happened to her". Based on this info, we told SS that he would not be going to his mom's for visitation this weekend. We told him he could ask her to stay and use the Halloween with friends excuse or his dad could go to the court and get an emergency order to stop her visitation.
Tuesday dh sent bm a text stating that SS wanted to skip the visit. She didn't reply. Last night SS told / asked bm to stay so he could take part in an event on Friday and one on sat. Bm flipped out on him and told him that if he wasn't at the school at 2:50 Friday afternoon, she would call the police. (School happens to actually get out at noon on Friday but that's another story).
We are going to go to the world series parade on Friday so SS won't be at school on that day and we aren't allowing him to go to his moms.
Thoughts? Are we out of line? Is there something we should do to cover ourselves?
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Comments
Contact your lawyer or court
Contact your lawyer or court and asking about an emergency order. You and your DH fear for SS's safety.
I agree. And what does
I agree. And what does "stalker" even mean to BM when she tells SS she has a "stalker"?? Is she blowing things out of proportion? Has this person actually threatened her? Is this person on probation/parole? Is there proof of this "stalking"?
I don't see how you can keep a kid from the other parent on such a vague statement. Is there more info that wasn't in the post I wonder?
Maybe just the weekend until
Maybe just the weekend until furhter info is gathered. It's better to safe I think. If the guy is no threat then BM should get her visitations.
I agree. We don't want to
I agree. We don't want to take visitatuon away bar just want SS safe. They live in a town with high crime. Dh was saying that anyone could come to the door for trick or treat and the "stalker" could do something bad.
Is Bm being dramatic? Of course she is. Does she want ds's sympathy? Of course she does. But SS shouldnt be in that position.
Are you out of line? Nope.
Are you out of line? Nope. Even if she is being dramatic, SS is your #1. What can you do to cover yourselves? Did she send a text telling him that or did she tell him on the phone? The only thing I could think of would be to give a statement or something like that to the police so it would be on record, but that probably isn't necessary.
The police won't do anything if she calls.
She told him on the phone.
She told him on the phone.
She lives an hour away. I don't even know if she'll even make the drive to try and come get him. If she arrives at the school, no one will be there as they get out at noon and she thinks they get out at normal time.
Will she seriously track down the police on Halloween?
She'll also be 3 hours late to pick SS up even if he was there.
The 3 hours late is enough
The 3 hours late is enough either way.
I actually think this is
I actually think this is funny; imagining her showing up 3 hours after school has let out and then trying to raise a stink
How would she verify? BM says
How would she verify? BM says the guys is just out of jail. I doubt her DH would put himself in the position to have a crazy stalker, but if he did, he would probably take the actions necessary (like calling the cops) to keep his family safe.
See below. Bm has told dh
See below. Bm has told dh about this man before. Surprise. It's an ex boyfriend. Her drug dealer.
Oh trust me. I'd love to lose
Oh trust me. I'd love to lose the kid for a weekend rather than deal with teen Halloween stuff. My catch up weekend just turned into a kid weekend.
And no. Dh does not work
And no. Dh does not work with any women. He stays at home and is the house husband.
Again though.. more info
Again though.. more info needed! "just out of jail" for what?? Petty theft? Armed robbery? Forgery? Manslaughter? What??
I agree with tommar. You
I agree with tommar. You don't have anything solid to base withholding visitation except for SS telling you BM said she has a stalker. She could just be looking for attention (the wrong way granted)
It's her ex boyfriend. She
It's her ex boyfriend. She told dh all about it in court one day, "oh, you think you have it bad, I have to get my own restraining order now (dh had one against her). My boyfriend through me out of the car and now he got in trouble for along drugs and is going to jail" ... I'm paraphrasing but that's the gist.
And are we actually
And are we actually withholding visitation if SS is asking her not to go so he can do other things? They've skipped weekends before so he can participate in things (because she won't take him to any of his things or go out of her way in any way). He's 14.5 now and doesn't want to spend Halloween with his mom doing nothing.
None of this is a lie
None of this is a lie
He does want to go see
He does want to go see his
Mom. He would also like a fun Halloween weekend.
He's not. We can do it nicely
He's not. We can do it nicely and he can let his mom know he's not coming this weekend or we can file for an emergency order. Trust me. There's plenty of evidence to have bm's visitatuon suspended including her drunken text confessions that she gives up and doesn't want any custody
I concur with stacey... DH
I concur with stacey... DH needs to man up and call BM and get facts.
IF after the discussion there is cause for concern, he needs to address it with BM or obtain an emergency order.
Exactly. All we did was ask
Exactly. All we did was ask SS, "hey if you had a kid, and a relative told you they had a stalker and were concerned about their safety, would you send the kid to the relative's house?... Why do you think your mom told you this?.... Is it your job to worry about her and her problems, or shoukd a parent be concerned about their child?"
Yes, I have some experience
Yes, I have some experience of this, only it was BM withholding step kids because she wanted to be an arse. Your husband can be found in contempt if he withholds court ordered visitation. He's unlikely to get more than a slap on the wrist if it's the first time he's found in contempt but it will cost you in lawyer/stress etc. There usually has to be a minimum of three offences before you can even file an order for contempt.
It also depends on the judge/lawyers/county family court policies whether or not they will take into account what your step son wanted/wants given his age. When the kids were smaller we clamped down on the BM's withholding of custody but when they got older, we were much more relaxed about what they wanted to do. Plus, it becomes farcical to force a teenager to take visitation with the NCP.
In my experience the police won't get involved unless there is some sort of domestic violence. They direct parents with this sort of grievance to the family courts. Police will usually attend a request for a safety check - or at least they do around here.
Technically safety concerns should be addressed by filing for an emergency order and a call to child protective services. The former will cost you and might not be granted but usually are until safety concerns can be checked. CPS is free and should result in a visit from social workers to the BM to check things out.
Personally, in your shoes, I'd try and smoothe things with the BM re SK's activities and offer to swap a weekend or something. Then I'd alert social services and possibly the police about your concerns so they can check it out.
Just to be very clear, this
Just to be very clear, this is a Bm who took off when her son was 5. Left him with dh. Showed up with balloons every six months demanding to see her son (when she was obviously having problems with her new lesbian lover that was taking care of her ). Quit her job, lots of drugs, etc etc. this has been the status quo until I came into the picture then of course, her son needed "bith" his parents and she thought she should have him every other sat night. Dh offered her Wednesday afternoons and every other full weekend.
She doesn't want to be a mom. She wants to find any way possible to fight with dh.
Did I mention that this is the same woman who called him 4 months ago, crying, stating "I miss you". Dh hung up. Then he got a text , "I want dis. I'm horney lets fuck.... Sorry wrong person".
It as after this that she got kicked out if her girlfriends house, then she told dh that her drug dealer boyfriend thru her out of the car and she needed a restraining order.
Clearly she's a loon, and
Clearly she's a loon, and equally clearly she is NOT MOTY. Obviously. And I know you guys are protecting SS, or trying to. But... no. Withholding visitation because you set yourself up as judge is wrong. Get that emergency order if you can and then you are totally on the side of the just, but I think you're wrong otherwise. The court order very specifically does NOT say "visitation will be at XYZ times unless the custodial parent decides it is not in the child's best interest". If you truly think it's not in his best interest, then it's on you to convince a judge of that, not to take matters into your own hands.
Gosh this sounds like
Gosh this sounds like something BM would do. She tells SS, not only things that are not appropriate for a mother to tell her son at any age, but are also exaggerated. It drives me crazy. I would speak to the lawyer if you have one, and try to get a temp change in custody until you figure out what is going on. Can DH just call BM and ask her what the heck is going on?