HIs, mine, and theirs
I'm sure this topic has been done to death on this site, but just thought I'd ask.
For all of you out there who had a child with the SO, how did you split the bills?
The boys always ask for things, as most kids do. Even though sometimes I get a little overwhelmed at feeling like at times its not even choice for me to spend money on them, now more than ever I feel like I have to plan better financially for my upcoming firstborn. Where before I found out I was pregnant, I didn't mind splurging a little on the boys here and there, now I just feel like their mom and dad need to get them what they want, its not my responsibility. I'm also super resentful that Exwife, BM1, does not pay any child support or assist with pretty much anything in the skids life and I feel like if she did, we would be able to get more of their wants. Yesterday, I went food shopping and SS9 wanted to come with me, so we went. I ended up buying 30 bucks worth of wants: Capri sun, applesauce, canned fruit, Fruity pebbles large box, chicken breast, etc. I should mention that the boys eat like piranhas and I feel like sometimes they eat/drink to finish the snacks, not because they are hungry. I get these small "wants" because to me, it's basic stuff you should buy for your kids. Not to mention STBH got them Chinese for lunch since I had an OB appointment and he didn't cook. So that's about 40 bucks right there. I did the math on that and that's at least 320 monthly since we go small food shopping twice weekly on unnecessary food items. Items I wish BM helped us pay for, instead of me footing the bill. STBH tells me just to not buy certain things (he says the kids can do without juice every day, let them have water and milk), but I just feel like, if it were my kid, its just so basic that its wrong not to get it. The issue gets larger when the kids want sneakers and brand clothes. If I were their mom, and I could afford it, I would probably get them some of the stuff they want some of the time. But I draw my line there right now that I'm pregnant. I'll help them with food, but not with other wants, not unless it's a holiday. I can't do that anymore now that I have someone who is going to be depending on me.
Now I just feel like the difference is going to be noticeable when I have my own. When I'm buying little wants here and there for my kid but can't get the wants for the skids (by the way SS9 asked me yesterday for Jordan 3s which are 250). In all fairness I don't believe I will get my child super expensive things he/she wants, but since its my child, it is my responsibility to get the wants, no one else's.
I'm beginning to notice that I don't really trust SO regarding finances and need to sit down and have an honest discussion of expectations regarding money and rearranging priorities.
I feel like I'm going a little crazy over the anticipated maternity leave and I want to save up enough to where I don't have to depend on STBH for my personal needs. He makes half of what I make so I don't think its fair for me to burden him with my personal needs if it isn't necessary, and even though he says he wouldn't mind. I guess my question is: is it fair to only assist with half of the home bills as I've been doing and save the rest for my child and emergency situations? Or is that unfair as we are supposed to be getting married, and thus "becoming one"? Is it selfish that I have to watch him struggle while I have sufficient funds and a surplus most of the time? Am I supposed to give all I have financially to the family unit, even though my instincts say no? Right now as I'm typing this, SS14 just walked in my room and asked if we could buy him a guitar as his summer youth job is going to teach him to play an instrument. He is very active in these kinds of things and while I think that's great for him, I don't think it is appropriate to give most of the financial stuff for him, not if it's coming out of my money. If STBH can afford it, and wants to do it, I have no issue with that. I just don't want that all I put in is used up the wrong way.
What do you guys do and how does it work for you?
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Comments
DH and I share our money and
DH and I share our money and finance together.
We are trying to stop the "spending on SD every time we go out" thing.
Simply because it's wrong. We're not here to buy her love. And I don't want her growing up thinking we are a bank. Like someone else mentioned here: "it's not Christmas every time you visit your dad".
They can pout and whine all they want. They will get over it.
I too have a first born on the way. (Another reason I want to cut this habit)
Money is tight and we need to save for my maternity leave as well as the baby.
But also because I don't want my baby to feel like we are just a bank.
Spend time with children, not money.
That's how I want to live.
If anything, I really want to try the Give a toy - get a toy. Sd has so many toys at home. Why not teach her about donating?
Idk. Still thinking about that one.
Most SMs here keep their money seperate. So they can maybe offer better advice.
I personally think it's a pain paying bills and such from two different accounts. That's originally why we got one account together.
But it's nice because we talk and budget and plan and save together. Little stuff, no big deal. But if DH wants to by something, or if I want to buy something, we talk about it first. Even though DH makes more money than I do.
I like the spend time, not
I like the spend time, not money idea.
STBH and I calculated what the rent, light, and cable are and I give him a little more than half for the bills. I keep it consistent every check so sometimes he may get more left over or less depending on the month, as that's how the light goes. I give SO the cash and he gets to pay the house bills. The rest of my money, I do what I please with. But I know that SO doesn't have much left after having to support 3 children, now has another on the way. Plus, even though SO makes less than me, the bigger issue for me is that he uses more than I do also by default of having 3 other kids. I deliberately chose to wait to have children, so I don't think it's fair to expect me to contribute regularly when they have 2 able bodied parents already. I should help when I want to, not because I have to, right? Thanks for your input and congrats on your pregnancy!
He has custody of SS14 and
He has custody of SS14 and SS9 and he sends 125 weekly for SS4. It's not that he will express unhappiness to me, because he's not the type of person to complain, but at the same time, I don't want him to resent me. I also feel like while he has the best intentions for everyone, he can sometimes make decisions that are not so great and kind of leave things a little lopsided when it comes to skids. Part of it is because different age kids need and want different things and part of it is because closed mouths don't get fed. So while the younger 2 don't ask for as many things, SS14 is asking for something on a daily basis. SO usually tries to give SS14 what he wants, especially because they are things any parent would want their child involved in (guitar lessons, boxing lessons), but I feel like those things take away from STBH's potential to save. My concern is that if we completely merge finances, my money will be used to fund "wants" instead of "needs". I think I will just keep it as it is now and give half of the rent, light, and cable. I will no longer go out of my way to buy "want" foods as much as I do now. I will not "lend" extra money as much either.