SS wants a job, BM is psycho
So...just came to vent. SS is 16 wanted to get a summer job, but his mom kept telling him no. Her reasoning being that she had a summer job growing up and it caused her to get poor grades. You know, because summer jobs are like that, I guess.
Anyway, we let him get a job where I know his manager well, and that I know we can communicate scheduling due to an unsual custody schedule. That way, he only works when he's with us, and his mom never needs to worry about it. Part time 5-10hrs/wk, minimum wage, food service. No big deal, and not a bad first job for a good kid looking to pocket a few bucks with honest work.
Mom finds out, throws a fit to DH, saying that there are legal ramifications that he signed papers to allow SS to work (there weren't, other than a work permit that would need completed once school starts by a guidance counselor, but he doesn't plan on working then). She is guilting SS that making about $100/wk is going to cause their entire family financial duress because they will stop getting food stamps and tax refunds because of him working, and that he's not allowed to because she didn't consent (nothing in the parenting agreement says he can't), and that he's ruining their family by having a summer job while he's with his dad.
None of the BS she told him is true (we showed him tax laws and food assistance eligibility requirements), and we told him that it was up to him whether or not he wants to work, and that we support his decision either way and can help talk it out or walk him through making a decision (not based out of fear of consequences at BMs house). I told him it was ok to quit if he wants, but to put in a notice and work out the remaining scheduled shifts he has out of respect to his co-workers and managers.
His mom is telling him that legally he doesn't have to put in a notice, and that I'm giving him awful advice by teling him that he should, and she's messaging DH and SS telling them he isn't allowed to go to his shift tomorrow. Beacuse of her feelings.
I wish she'd go pound salt.
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Pound salt? BM can eat shit IMHO.
I hope SS has the intellect and confidence to keep working while he is in your home on visitation. I would also rub BM's nose in the stench of her bullshit and send her the same information you reviewed with SS.
Make sure BM knows that SS knows she is full of shit.
As he was growing up my SS-30 gained understanding of the facts, the CO, the supplemental county rules, state regs, etc.. He was able to shut their shit down in real time. They hated that he was informed of the facts as he grew up and ultimately knew instantly when what the were spouting did not pass the smell test.
SpermGrandHag would call my DW ranting that SS did not need to know all of that. The more SS learned and was able to call their bullshit in real time, the more unhinged SpermGrandHag would get.
Eventually, they just stopped their crap other than to occassionally attempt to guilt SS into ask his mom to drop the CS requirement. Since SS knew that CS was a pittance, that did not work out so well for the SpermClan.
Their final attempt was to whine to SS that he should have his USAF pay include a direct withholding to repay them for the CS they paid over the 16+ years of SS's CO.
Nope. He did not fall for that crap.
IMHO, it is a great idea to keep your SS fully abreast of the facts, in an age appropriate manner, as he grows up is exactly the right move. It will give him the ability to protect himself from his toxic BM as he grows up, and after he is an adult. People like your SKid's BM and my Skid's SPermClan do not stop being toxic POS people. Kids need the tools to protect themselves not only as kids, but as adults.
You and DH are doing this right. Your SS is fortunate to have quality adults on your side of his blended family.
"His mom is telling him that
"His mom is telling him that legally he doesn't have to put in a notice"
In addition to what you told him about respect for others, you might want to add that prospective future employers will contact his past employers for information. Ask him if he wanted prospective future employers to think he might just walk out on them at the drop of a hat or if he wants them to think he's a reliable type?
I agree with how you're giving him all the relevant information he needs - good for you.
This is a good thought, too,
This is a good thought, too, thank you! I'll mention this as well.
Facts
This is a perfect opportunity to teach SS how to separate facts from nonsense. Critical thinking is an important part of growing up, blind obedience to BM (or anyone) is not. I would push pretty hard to have him keep the job. He will only do it on the time he has with you, and it gives him spending money, and you two are there to support him in the beginning. He will learn the discipline and courtesies he requires to have a job. BM has already shown she won't teach him that. BM just wants to go first. She wants him not to work until it's at her beck and call and then she will make sure it's in her area. Make sure that he spends his first paycheck on something amazing that he's really really wanted. I bet you that encourages him to stick it through for the summer. Working is always a really good idea for the young kids .
I would go so far as to say "Dad's house, Dads's rules, and teenagers in this house work". Tell him he can "blame" Dad, which gives him the excuse to work without defying BM.
Ugh I wish! BM blatantly
Ugh I wish! BM blatantly hides what goes on in her home but thinks she has every right what to control what goes on in ours.
What really breaks my heart for SS is that he is sooo afraid of her because of how unstable she is and lashes out at them so bad all the time. He's literally to the point that he's afraid to go back if he keeps working and doesn't think it's worth it to be mildly assertive and defend what he wants because she will do nothing but rain punishments down on him for months, just because he wants to have a good work ethic.
Maybe you should look into
Maybe you should look into how his income affects the household in terms of benefits.
My adult son is on SSI for autism. ANYTHING he earns is counted. ANYTHING someone else in the household earns is counted.
That's why when he was living with me, he was paying rent. He was my tenant because if he had been getting room and board for free, he would not have qualified for SSI due to my income. I have since moved out to live with my boyfriend and he has a roommate - his older brother. However, when we fill out the paperwork, we do NOT list the other "tenant" as his brother. Both pay rent. His brother doesn't pay his little's brother's way for anything, but that's not how Social Security or the state would look at things because they are related.
My son is on Medicaid and food stamps. If he was sharing a household with a family member, all the family member's earnings would be counted and benefits could be lowered as a result. The BM may not actually be lying.
Thank you! Yes, this is
Thank you! Yes, this is exactly what we referenced! Since he is a minor in this state, his income does not affect food benefits or tax return until he crosses a certain $ threshold, which he will not even come close to. It also changes if he makes starts paying their bills/rent, etc., because then they would not be able to count him as a dependent household member, as he would be considered "self-sufficient".
I'm sorry?
So ss should not work so his mom can get free money? That money isn't free. Taxes that we all pay to support her ass while teaching ss free money is better than working.
Not to mention it won't even affect her free money (my redistributed money).
Your 'redistributed money' is
Your 'redistributed money' is also supporting my adult son with autism until he finds suitable employment. It's my redistributed money, too. And we never asked for help his entire childhood - we, along with his grandparents, paid for ALL of his needs. It wasn't until he became an adult and could not find employment that we got on the autism waiver in our state. It took 2 more years for him to be granted SSI and it was another 2 years before he was able to get foodstamps. He has worked two jobs with mixed results and taken an 8 week training program that did NOT train him for the janitorial work he was seeking. He will begin another training program in a couple of months.
I'm not a millionaire and I'm not going to live forever. I need to know that he's going to be housed and fed long after I'm dead, so thanks to me, and you and all the other taxpayers who are helping my son in his attempts to become gainfully employed so he no longer needs SSI.
I don't know details of the OP's BM. She may have a legitimate reason to be collecting. Not for you or I to judge. But, there is a point where the household income could be greatly impacted if someone in the household works. It seems the OP knows what that threshhold is.
My only reason for posting is that income from ANY member of a household could affect their benefits, so the BM wasn't necessarily lying.
I don't know what kind of benefits the OP's BM receives, but after the battle we had to go through to get my son SSI, I can promise you it's not as easy as you think.
Your son is different.
That is exactly what the program should be used for. I 100% agree your son needs the assistance and helping those that have fallen on hard times to utilize the assistance. Hard times and down on your luck [for able body/mind people] doesn't last for decades though.
Pretty certain OP's bm is just a leech (or OP would have mentioned). Much like CLoves bm living in a beach front apartment for $300 and not allowing her daughter to work so she can continue to be a leech.
We shouldn't judge? I disagree. Any able person that leeches off the system should absolutely receive criticism and judgement. There is no reason this type of behavior should be allowed, yet somehow it is. It's rediculous.
to leeach or not to leech that is the question...
Yes, Toxic Troll has been leeching for so long I dont think she even blinks at all when filling out her paperwork. She just sits there collecting and mooching. To my mind shes taking away from the folks that really need it - single parents that need help, or disabled folks that need help. You know, legitimate needs.
.
.
The fix is ... hunger, and discomfort.
I am a 4yrs of systemic support and then none concept supporter.
People who truly need help, should have access to it. Max support benefits for a year, incrementalizing down until they are on their own the day after year 4. As they become more self sufficient the support should decreas while allowing them to retain a more of the support than if they sit and collect without self support effort. They shouuld benefit both from their efforts to earn, and from their benefits gaining a net positive for working. After that, if they have not gained the ability to support themselves, they should have to enter a labor program to work for their support. Those who are playing the system, should get no support without tightly supervised brutally hard labor to earn a meal, clothing, and a roof day by day
Obviously kids should have an appropriate support system.
The CCC and WPA should be re-constituted IMHO. People like TT need to be dropped off on the side of a highway with a huge roll of 50Gal garbage bags and 15miles of highway siding to collect litter. If her end of day supervisory audit shows she did the job, she gets a bed, a meal, and to do it again tomorrow. Lessons have to be pointed, require performance, and be unpleasant. Or they are not effective consequences for choosing to deviate from delivery to standard.
The CCC and WPA trained people with a trade and employed them while they built roads, national park infrastructure, etc, etc, etc.... Mahy graduates of the CCC and WPA entered the work force to support industrial production prior to, during, and after WWII. My Great Uncle served in the CCC/WPA then, served in WWII, and Korea where he received a Battle Field commisstion as an Officer. After the Korean war he completed his bachelor's degree and ended up serving 20+ years in the US Army then retiring as an O-6
All we are building with the model implemented over the past generation and a half+... is an ever growing herd of entitlement minions who think they are special because they exist. Existing is not special. Performing determines special. Non performers, need to live what they earn. Just as performers live what they earn.
Those who figure it out for themselves based on their own efforts and the success examples of their parents tend to raise children who perform as adults and raise their own children to perform as adults.
I once led a project team in the former East Germany (After re-unification). Prior to re-unification those in East Germany who did not work jobs apparently had to report to a supervisory center for 8hrs a day, 5days a week. They sat for 8hrs. At the end of the day their booklet was stamped. If they were parents, their younger than school age children sat at their feet for that day. If they had their 5-stamps for the week, they got their housing, food, and clothing vouchures for that week.
One of my project engineers was raised and educated in E. Germany prior to re-unification. He indicated that many former E. Germans, of the mid 90s, were infuriated by the level of entitlement that the re-unified Germany tolerated and provided for slackers. He indicated that he and many other former E. Germans would support the elemination of entitlement beyond extremely basic support and requiring a notable work day effort performing work beneficial to the country. Rather than tolerating entitlement leeches.
How old is his brother?
How old is his brother?
My other SS is 12
My other SS is 12
Interesting thread
SD17 Power Sulk is not "allowed" to get any kind of job because that would take away their low income housing where they pay almost 300$ for a 2 bedroom apartment in Beach Town. I havent really looked into it, but its probably true, because Toxic Troll is using PS to qualify...
Perhaps you want to have a
Perhaps you want to have a conversation with SS about self sufficiency and personal responsibility and doing what you can to avoid relying on government benefits. Show him the benefits of work vs. dependency, and the benefits of having a job on his resume for future employment and college applications.