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DH has not cleaned up mess his Dear Kids have made?? I am out of freaking Spoons and more!!!

lostbroken's picture

Submitted by lostbroken on Mon, 07/14/2014 - 7:04pm

So I am at another cross road. DH has gone off to work, and I go into the kitchen to obtain a utensil and I am ALL out! My DH still has not cleaned the mess that was left from last night. Now last night we had a fight, he shut the door on me, and hung out with the kids, and sent me this "poor me email" today, and still left the mess that his girls made. I mean not even a crumb was swept from the floor either. I have nearly half my cups, bowls and plates in the sink, and now officially ALL my utensils are in there too. Now, my question is do I load this dishwasher, because I can't stand for one second to look at this mess for another day? Or do I keep moving forward the way I have and make HIM clean his kids mess. I really am at a loss. I thought that I made myself clear, and I thought by disengaging he would take the lead, as he did on saturday night, but not last night or today? If i clean this mess,will i be doing myself a disservice? Any thoughts?

Comments

Jewals's picture

Submitted by Jewals on Mon, 07/14/2014 - 7:23pm

As much as I LOVE th don't touch the mess .. Bc I really do love that idea .. But I have tried and tried and if your husband is like mine he WONT touch it ... The mess will sit there for weeks until you give in ... It's depressing

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Mon, 07/14/2014 - 7:56pm

Take a picture of it & send that as your response to his email. Then go to your favorite restaurant & treat yourself.

lostbroken's picture

Submitted by lostbroken on Mon, 07/14/2014 - 8:20pm

OMG! You are all the BEST! Thank you so much. I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. All i did was wash one spoon so I could have a nice cup of Green tea, and I left the rest. I could care less if it gets mold at this point. I am sure he is going to get tired of seeing too. I just hope he breaks before I do, LOL.....I just dont get this DH of mine. But I promise to stay strong, and yes, some plastic utensils is where it is at. I am going to order in for some take out food, and treat myself. And tomorrow, on my lunch break I think i will get a nice pedi to make me feel better, LOL...Thank you ALL so very much. I couldnt have done this much with out you all! Hugs to you all.

SMto3's picture

Submitted by SMto3 on Mon, 07/14/2014 - 9:08pm

He will definitely get tired of seeing that mess. I disengaged regarding cleaning after the boys earlier this year or so and I found out that STBH hates messes almost as much as I do. Wait it out, he'll get tired of doing it for them and he'll make sure they do them. The rule I have here is wash your own dish. This weekend I put in a new rule. If someone leaves a dish out, they get to do everyone's dish for the day. It's a work in progress

lostbroken's picture

Submitted by lostbroken on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 9:42am

Thank you SMto3, Lord I do hope he finally gets this mess in order , its driving me Crazy! But I will stand my ground. I am surprised because DH hates a mess too. But he must not mind it that much if he lets this mess linger. Its just so Yucky, LOL I began the disengaging process too, and it seems like it's working a bit. But not enough. I think maybe in time it will. I wish you the best and thank you so much for all your support!

lostbroken's picture

Submitted by lostbroken on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 9:47am

Ah Ha, Fieryupgrade. You reply is so true. A Clean kitchen makes a very Happy wife , and an even better home cooked meal. DH is think is getting this point. DH had NO dinner last night, LOL. Sorry DH, we had no dishes/Pots/Pans or Utensils. LOL. Thank you so much for all your support! I am praying it is all cleaned by the time I get home from work :).

lostbroken's picture

Submitted by lostbroken on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 9:55am

Hi Sally, thank you so much for your kind words and support. I have left that mess. Its not my mess, I keep telling myself! LOL Its grossing me out seeing the dishes and dirty water spill onto my counter top, but hey, I didn't create it, LOL.I am staying strong. I actually did read yesterday, as a matter of fact. Especially after DH left for work and I unplugged the internet "WiFi" so the skid's could not get on their precious laptop computers while they sit in their filth. It was actually a good day. I am hoping DH will get tired of this "standoff" and teach his girl's how to put dishes in the dishwasher, and clean their "own" mess.

lostbroken's picture

Submitted by lostbroken on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 11:01am

LOL LOL Now that's an option for sure jeezlouise! LOL . I am starting to think that DH might do that on his own. LOL LOL . I don't see him or the skid's cleaning that mess. LOL. Maybe I'll get a new set of plates out of the deal , LOL LOL

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Submitted by BarkAtTheMoon on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 7:13am

I don't do anyone else's dishes since disengaging a week ago. It drives me batshit to see messy frying pans on the stove, crumbs on the center island, raw egg dried up on the counter from where SDstb19 was making an omelette. I just point it all out to DH when I can't stand it anymore. I'm sure to include "It's not MY mess. I didn't make it." He, in a matter of days, got so tired of my nagging each evening that he would cut me off and handle it. He makes the SDstb19 and SDstb13 clean up after themselves a little more, or he does it himself.

Only 42 days until SDstb19 goes back to college. Then I can breathe until Thanksgiving.

My next big feat will be NOT cleaning up when my stepDOG, yes, SDOG9, a real animal, literally, not a human, lol, NOT cleaning up when he pees in my dining room again. He has ruined the wood floor.

lostbroken's picture

Submitted by lostbroken on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 10:14am

LMAO, I feel your pain BarkAtTheMoon! oh and a Step Dog9 too, God bless you, LOL ....I have the same dried egg on my stovetop. Ugghhh. Drives me totally crazy! I am sticking this out. I need him and the skid's to clean this mess. I hope this is going to be a great learning lesson for them all. I am glad I started to disengage. I see it working a bit, but not enough just yet. I see that everyone is more mad that I retreat to my bedroom , and leave everyone to live in their own filth and do their own things. But maybe that's part of the process. They will learn, sooner rather than later. Thank you so much for your support and stay strong too!!!

lostbroken's picture

Submitted by lostbroken on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 9:39am

Thank you ALL, you are all so sweet for supporting me through this mess, literally. LOL. Well the dishes are STILL there in the sink. I think DH is about to crack. Oh lord was he huffing and puffing last night. You would think he was one of the three little pigs! LOL...I am standing my ground, and the pile is getting bigger and bigger by the day. It's practically spilling over onto the counter tops right about now :sick:
When I left for work this morning I was cringing at my kitchen, not to mention my family room , and the bathroom upstairs, which I peeked at last night, OH Lord have mercy! I am NOT touching that bathroom AT ALL. I just have this thing where I need everything cleaned and put in its place. But I bit my lip, walked out, and headed to work leaving the mess.
I think he will crack before I do, I hope, LOL Wink

lostbroken's picture

Submitted by lostbroken on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 10:20am

LMAO, LOL LOL, I just Love it Sally. You are right , I better Lock my bathroom door. They probably would move in there. My bedroom, my bathroom, and my BS room is the only clean rooms in the house. LOL.
I tell my Son all the time, Lock your door sweetie, So that the skid's don't go in there and destroy your room too! When my DH goes to work, it's me and Bio son just relaxing in my clean bedroom. Its nice. Its funny you mention my MIL. She actually called yesterday , and asked to come on by tomorrow. I told her YES, please do. So I pray she does, and I hope she comes over without any warning and I am at work, and DH is home with the piggies! That would be perfect. She will give them all an ass whipping for sure. Thank you so much for your support! You are so very sweet! I am going to try and keep myself strong. Can only imagine what my house will look like as of this evening when I arrive home, LOL . Its almost funny at this point.

lostbroken's picture

Submitted by lostbroken on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 10:25am

LOL ripleyV2. I swear I was thinking the same thing. It is at a point where it is almost funny, and it's a game. I hope my nerves can handle this game, LOL. I am actually going to go to my parents for dinner this evening with my bio son. Thank god for Grandma, LOL..I don't even leave BS home with DH and little piggies. They all sleep all day(my DH works nights and his lovely princesses keep his hours) , and my poor BS is bored to death and would be unsupervised and that is an absolute NO NO in my book, so he goes to grandmas while I work(god bless her) and has the time of his life. Away from the filth, and lack of parenting. I have learned to do for me and my BS only. I was doing for DH too, but the last 2 days I have not. Not until he cleans the pig sty, LOL...

lily11's picture

Submitted by lily11 on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 10:00am

Dirty dishes drive me crazy. I can't just let them sit. Your DH probably doesn't mind dirty dishes, he may not even notice them. For you, it will be an eyesore and your anger will turn into deeper resentment every day that they are there stacking up. He probably won't get the fact that it becomes a personal insult to a woman when something we care about is disregarded.

I think that for the issues which are really important to you, they need to be respected. No matter how minor it may seem to DH, like I suspect he may view the dishes issue as minor. I have spoken up about my important issues. It's been a fight at times. Many times. But I have found that if I don't speak up sooner and resolve the issue, it becomes a bigger one later.

Personally, I would speak up and make a point that these dishes need to be done. And not by you.

lostbroken's picture

Submitted by lostbroken on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 10:30am

Thank you so much Lily, You are right , It is possible that just "seeing" the piled dishes might not motivate him. Maybe I need to remind him again, LOL. I made it so clear to him 2 days ago that it was not my mess, and it needed cleaning, and I was not doing it. But maybe a reminder is in order, LOL
I wish he would respect the fact that I am a very neat and tidy person, not to mention a "normal" person. And any "normal" person would not want to live in this filth. I spent hours last Friday cleaning the entire house. I take pride in my cleaning, and it also relaxes me. So to leave this mess is driving me bonkers.
Thank you so much for your support. I am trying so hard to keep it moving.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 10:07am

How old are these girls and what in the hell is wrong with your husband?

Time for some bonding time as your DH and his girls clean house.

I don't blame you for not cleaning it and I give you many kudos for not cleaning it, I know it's not easy.

Carry on!

lostbroken's picture

Submitted by lostbroken on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 10:41am

Oh yes its time for bonding time for sure hereiam. My skid's are 10,15, & 16. And I think its High time them start doing their share. This has gone on way too long. Now SD16 doesn't come around too much at all, its the other two SD10 & SD15 that are the nightmare and the ones that practically live with DH and I and my BS. Its out of control.
I swear it's like I am running a zoo.
It has not been easy and lord knows it is stressing me to the max. But I have to stand strong and make them clean up this mess. They should know better. But when DH and their BM don't discipline them this is the results.
Uggh, I want to pull my hair out, LOL :O

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Submitted by BarkAtTheMoon on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 10:50am

Isn't it amazing how quickly they can ruin all of the hard work you've done cleaning the house? I am like you, I don't think I'm asking for much by asking that each cleans up after themselves, but it DOES make me crazy to see a messy kitchen. I'm fortunate in that not many dishes are left in the sink, but whenever SDstb19 puts utensils into the dishwasher, she doesn't pre-rinse them. I told DH I am sick of eating yogurt with a spoon that still has crud on it after coming out of the dishwasher. I have tried to remind him to use the "Potscrubber" setting, but it doesn't always work. I DO have to point out to DH that there is dried raw egg on the counter, or rice, or something. The newest thing is to spray and wipe it up after dinner. It seems to be working.

I have bought plastic forks and spoons for the skids to use since SDstb19 goes through them so fast (in a day) when she's home on break. She can't even manage to put more plastic utensils in the drawer when she goes through them. Oh well, I even showed her where the box of 100 plastic forks was in the cupboard.

OK, I need to vacuum MY ROOM now, but no one else's. }:) I have 5 pups that sleep in here every night so it gets fuzzy fast! My pups. My mess. Blum 3

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 10:51am

I think after he finally breaks down (mans up) and gets that mess cleaned up, all of those dishes would go into storage.

They can learn to clean up or they can eat off of the floor with their fingers. Or DH can buy disposable utensils and paper plates but that won't teach them anything.

Or, they can each have one of everything so they are forced to wash it if they want to eat again.

I just can't get over your DH putting up with this and putting you in this position. I would be so pissed!

lostbroken's picture

Submitted by lostbroken on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 12:49pm

ripley, this is going to be my next option. I was thinking that this would be a great idea!! LOL...He needs a little of this medicine for sure Smile

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Submitted by BarkAtTheMoon on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 11:03am

Game on!!! It IS funny and it IS entertainment at this point, BUT...it's a way of gaining respect. Why should ONE do the work for so many? Everyone can fend for themselves. You can cut the sarcasm with a knife at my house!

Funny thing just happened....DH texted me from the beach and said he is teasing SDstb13. She ordered a jacket a few weeks ago and it arrived last week. This was two days after she went Exorcist/Linda Blair on me because I caught her running the shower water and not even stepping into the tub! THAT is why I disengaged.....Anyway DH has informed her that the jacket arrived last week, he said "I have tortured SDstb13. Told her we would decide when she gets the jacket." I replied, "Yep, she has a lot of cleaning to do before she even sees the bag that it came in. Ask her why she thinks there are bugs in her room?"

I'm taking the item to work tomorrow before the skids and DH arrive back home. I'll leave it there until ALL of her crap is cleaned up. Maybe I'll conveniently forget it a few times. Heh heh. }:)

~ Moon

lostbroken's picture

Submitted by lostbroken on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 12:48pm

BarkAtThemoon, you are the best!!!! Wink It is amazing the things we have to do to get the kids to clean. That was a wonderful idea to hold the jacket until SD cleans. It is a lesson learned for sure. It does happy to be funny right now. And I am even laughing at my own situation of who will break down first. I will invest in some paper dishes and plastic utensils in the meantime. But I swear those will end up piled up in a heap of a mess or some how find themselves in the sink, as my skid's seem to think the sink is also a garbage can. You can't imagine the amount of food I have found in there in the past. No one knows how to scrape their plates apparently, LOL....
Well take care of your 5 pups! I am such a dog lover...I bet they are little your little babies too. I bet the 5 dogs are much cleaner than my 3 Skid's any day of the week, LOL LOL..Thank you again so much for all your support. I will update shortly after I get home, and pray the mess is cleaned, LOL LOL Wink

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Submitted by BarkAtTheMoon on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 9:13pm

I just watched the entire episode. I think have seen it before. I "wonder" how the kid is doing?

lintini's picture

Submitted by lintini on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 9:37pm

Oh it sounds like my first year in college when I was a brand new 18 year old....my roomie was a messy pest and didn't do any dishes, so I left them in the sink...for TWO WEEKS because I was tired of always doing them!!! I broke down to clean them and ended up throwing up all over them from the god awful stench!!

My ss12 thinks the DISH FAIRY will do all his plates,utensils and glasses too. I save them all for his father and I just don't look at it or my eye starts twitching and then I need a glass of wine. Recently though my fiance has been VERY good about making sure his son helps us clean up. When we do it all together it takes maybe 5 minutes!! I don't do his laundry either. I'm done. If somehow it is mixed in with out clothes and I don't notice, it just gets flung on the his bed, and I caught my fiance folding it. I made fake gagging noises and told him what a nice person he is. But on a side note, my mother folds my brothers clothing and he's 22..........I don't get it.

lostbroken's picture

Submitted by lostbroken on Wed, 07/16/2014 - 11:09am

Thank you ALL so very much for all your support. I can't say thank you enough. Your suggestions and comments were all so perfect.
Last night was one of the toughest nights I ever had to endure in my life! I am sad to say that I left my home this morning with my BS, and I don't intend on ever going back. I have to say that all my attempts at trying to talk with my DH as ADULTS, and on a non- critical, non - judgmental fashion have failed. And for those who are curious, is the house cleaned??? Drum roll please........NOPE! Nothing was cleaned AT ALL.NOT a GD Thing, Just MORE added to the mix.
I saw a side of him last night that I have never ever seen. I also have to say that I feel sorry for his children. I would love to sit here and say the NASTIEST shit about ALL of them (and all would be true), but it's not even worth my energy or thought process to put it down in words. My DH and his kids are cut from the same cloth! They are ALL LOSERS! I hope my DH is going to VERY happy, and in ALL his GLORY catering to his children that CLEARLY have no respect for anyone, or anything. Clearly and even clearer since last night, I DON’T hold a candle to his kids and NEVER will. His kids are his ONLY priority and talking him about anything to do with or without his kids cause a VERY hostile situation. I feel sorry that they were NOT raised by civil, nurturing, disciplining, and decent, parents who HAD morals and ethics. I am also past Disappointed with my husband. I actually have no words to describe the disgust and ANGER I have rage inside me because of HIS OWN actions. I hope when he lies his head on the pillow at night, that he can reflect on where he went wrong in all of this. And I mean REALLY reflect!!!! I am in NO way claiming to be perfect, but I was diligent, kind, and loving to both him and his children for ALL these years. I didn’t not deserve anything that happened to me last night.
I am going to see an attorney tomorrow. I know this sound oh so over the top, and oh so quick, but I have been putting up with this behavior & treatment for too long, and last night's episodes are just something I don't even want to recall. I feel very sorry for him and his kids, because Life will never be easy for people who don't see clearly, and don't have respect, civility, or boundaries.
I am past angry, past hurt, and past feeling like I am a non-existent entity in my home (If that was only half my problems). I think people should be treated with respect when they are given respect. I believe there are 2 sides to every story. However, I don’t believe a child, bio or skid should run, or have the authority to run an adults life or household.
I wish I had better news. I wish things did not happen as they did last night. But for My sanity & safety and without ANY doubt for my sons well being and safety I have left.
He is free to make a mess of the house with his rotten children, and free to let his children rule the roost and play mini-wife's and to have interactions, and talk to him and about me and my son in ways I don't feel are appropriate. Now I have truly disengaged. I have fully disconnected, and all it took was one pitiful episode from a DH that I no longer call a man.
Thank you again for all your support.. I will update again soon Hugs to you all!