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Does Anyone have a Defensive DH/DW?

Frustr8d1's picture

Submitted by Frustr8d1 on Sun, 07/06/2014 - 11:12am

Yes, I know it's all my fault--it always is...

After 5-10 yrs of step Hell life, and all the fights and all the BS dealing with skids and BMs and all the problems with second (and 3rd) marriages, does anyone else find DH/DW extremely defensive even though you are currently trying to compromise and take on all his/her baggage?

Ok, so I understand that with the extremely rocky road at the beginning, I had so many problems with DH and SD....BUT since then, I have truly tried to change and I have compromised everything, including my personality and my career. For many years, I have been the one who had to adjust to DH and HIS life, yet he has not adjusted to me and MY life. He cannot adjust to my need for alone time/freedom/drama-free life. He can't adjust to my need to talk things out instead of ignoring them and hoping they just go away.

I find it so unfair that I had to adapt to his methods of ignorance when it comes to relationships and child raising (I already raised an adult daughter), but he refuses to adapt to my methods. There's no compromise and there never will be because it's HIS kid and not mine.

Comments

hbomb's picture

Submitted by hbomb on Sun, 07/06/2014 - 11:29am

Yes!!! All the time. I myself have have no children of my own so this was ALL NEW TO ME. I found that anytime I brought anything up to him or if I tried to speak in terms of disciplining the child (because obviously he chose to ignore his child's behavior) I got snapped at or talked to later. I learned to just bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut. It is HIS child, and he is going to raise him how he thinks is right, even if we don't agree. So now what I do is I refer any of this to my DH, the disciplining, the parenting, all of it. I have become much happier when SS8 is around instead of walking on eggshells. A lot of people on here say "not my kid, not my problem", and it is true.

Steppy MN2's picture

Submitted by Steppy MN2 on Sun, 07/06/2014 - 12:05pm

YES YES & YES!!!
I keep telling my DH he wants a stepford wife.
And he can't stand that I don't want to be joined at the hip, including when we have skids.
I tried with skids to build a relationship. They were all happy to take & take all I was willing to give but as soon as I stopped, it was clear that they couldn't care less about me. When I explaFn this to DH he says "sure, blame the kids!"
WTF!
I feel your pain.

fedupstep's picture

Submitted by fedupstep on Sun, 07/06/2014 - 5:03pm

As soon as I saw the title of your blog I started nodding. Smile

About 80% of the time DH and I are happy. But he doesn't handle stress very well, especially when it comes to SD15. Then it's hell. SD15 has mastered blaming everyone else for her mistakes...a trait she has inherited from BOTH her parents. DH will bitch and moan about whatever is bothering him and do NOTHING to change it. I feel I'm left in a position to either fix the problem for him or live with his whiny moody ass. And when both of them start? Oh god...I'm ready to lose my shit!

I have no biokids, but work with kids. When he is at a loss for what to do with SD15, DH will ask my opinion. If I say I don't know what to do, I get 'You work with kids! How don't you know?' Sure DH, if you want me to treat your daughter like one of the kids at work, no problem. There sure won't be any behaviour problems then!

Dogmom1321's picture

Submitted by Dogmom1321 on Thu, 06/03/2021 - 1:11pm

YES! I used to try to bring up issues to DH (backtalking, lying, etc.) He would always have some kind of excuse for SD. I quickly realized this was just falling on deaf ears and was going no where fast. I only interact with SD11 if I absolutely have to. I am 99% disengaged. The issues she has are because of her parents and it's not my job to fix it. 

DH says backtalking is "she's curious and going to ask questions." lying is "she's trying to not disappoint you." being standoffish and rude to her GRANDPARENTS is "she has a fear of rejection" Even the grandparents rolled their eyes at that one. Believe me, I've heard it all. The only time DH brings up SD to me anymore is "____'s Mom is dropping her off today." Or "I'm leaving to go drop ____ off". I just say okay and leave it at that. 

Disengage if you haven't yet. It is the best thing you can do.