Full Time SM Duty SUCKS
I am so damn sick and tired of being a full-time SM, YET....I'm never allowed to provide my input or my opinion on how SD13 should be raised. BM has not seen nor spoken to SD since 2012 so I'm it. When I lay down the law for our BD5, DH completely agrees with me but when it comes to SD, he doesn't want to hear it.
Just had to put this out there so I don't implode...Thanks for listening.
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I am sorry you have to deal
I am sorry you have to deal with this.
Good Lord.. this brings back
Good Lord.. this brings back memories... I just commented on someone else blog last week the kind of crap I used to have to deal with
DH gets pissy with me and tells me to stop buying BS6 the random $5.00 toy(BS6 is a good boy, does great in school, great in Karate, great in Jujitsu, soccer etc)
DH hands SD17 $100.00 to get her "hair done" (SD was failing school, getting in trouble, not cleaning her room etc)
DH gets pissy with me because I questioned the $700.00 cell phone bill I saw laying on the counter (DH had to have his own contract with At&T for SD because I refused to put her back on my Verizon account) and tells me to mind my own business. Then he tells me he wishes I would act like a mother to SD. HMMMMMMMMM acting like a mother includes telling your child to pick up their room, grounding your child when they get 20's and 30's in school, expecting your child to help out around the house etc. But heaven forbid.. I was NEVER allowed to voice my opinion about any of that stuff.
It was maddening for sure!
My kids ran up a cell phone
My kids ran up a cell phone bill in that range once (before I realized they had little girlfriends and started texting before that was included in plans). My reaction? They "paid" it off by pulling weeds in the yard all Summer and also had to set up the morning coffee for the rest of their life (while living with me). That was awesome! LOL.
My point is, parents can and should impose consequences.
Years later one of them went over their limit. Unbeknownst to him, I went online and set up that if they went over their limit the phone would stop working that month....when he came home, I said, "give me your phone". He did. I rebooted it, handed it back and told him what I had done.
Point is, I parented.
If your dh will not parent and will not let you parent, then you do nothing for his child.
The bill ended up being taken
The bill ended up being taken care of by DH (apparently there was some mistake or something) He didn't have to pay anything other than the regular amount... he got pissy because I dared question it.
This after, when SD and SS WERE on my plan, SS ran up $400.00 in overages in one month. Of course BM2 was like oh well, sorry... and didn't pay a dime of it. DH's plan was to have SS work it off by doing chores at our house (SS was like 13 or 14 at the time) Well that equated to MAYBE 20 minutes of stacking wood and 10 minutes of weedwacking? So yeah when I see a $700.00 phone bill I WILL question it and flip the fruck out... I don't like history repeating itself.
... and trust me I did NOTHING for SD. I told DH he couldn't have it both ways. She's gone now, moved a couple states over with DH's Aunt over a year ago and my house has been blissful! Funny how when the problem is removed, there is no problem anymore?
Oh my...the old cell phone
Oh my...the old cell phone issue. My DH and OSD were on my plan before we got married (dumb, I know).
Grandparents do a trip with each grandkid individually the summer after they turn 13. OSD, who is a horrible, horrible child even now at 19, got to go to England. I impressed upon DH as strongly as I could that international fees for texting weren't included on my plan and that the fees are astronomical. She's with her grandparents...if she needs to communicate with us, she can call from their phones. I tried to convince him to take her phone before she left / get her to leave it here. He insisted that he'd told her not to send ANY texts while in England...that she knew the consequences of that and had agreed not to.
First day she's in England I check my usage report...and she's already racked up nearly $100 of texting fees. I tell my DH. He says...wow, you're monitoring her closely...he says this kind of sarcastically (um...yeah I am. I knew this would happen and I pay the bill). He says he'll call his parents and get them to take the phone away...which he does. But not without a lot of pouting about how mean I'm being. "I know this has to happen...but I just feel really sorry for her now." Yeah. Sorry for the brat who has her nose to her phone while on a free trip to England. No offer by SD to cover her texting fees...no suggestion by DH that she be made to do so. If it had been one of the other two, they would have been working all summer to pay us back. But OSD was always the coddled, protected, golden child who I couldn't say anything about...though DH expected me to enjoy her company and invite her out as much as my YSD, who is kind, considerate, and hard-working.
Anyway. Yeah...cell phones can be a whole big thing. I turned OSDs off for a month as punishment...and her dad had no choice but to go with it since the plan was in my name only.
You have my sympathy and
You have my sympathy and respect. I couldn't do that, I am thankful skids are adults.
It makes no sense that you have the responsibility yet none of the authority. Can you renegotiate with DH? Let him know what is working, what's not and what you need?
Yep, no responsibility
Yep, no responsibility without authority. I would disengage so hard they wouldn't even be able to see me.
So sorry for you . I would
So sorry for you . I would not do it . I haven't made as much as a sandwich for skids in 3 years . I never , ever watch them . They are with DH or if he is not here , skids are not here .
If DH tries to push ANY kind of skids responsibility on ME , I would divorce. If BM dies he can spend CS money on a full time nanny or a divorce attorney .
If I wanted kids , I would have them by now .
did you discuss this situation and your wishes prior to your marriage ?
Full timer over here. And
Full timer over here. And yes, it SUCKS!!!! I feel your pain.
full-timer, here and you only
full-timer, here and you only have to read my blog today to see that yeah, it totally blows.
monkey's got the key -
monkey's got the key - disnegage, disengage, disengage!!!!
once properly disengaged, your "give-a-d@mn" will have busted. you wont HAVE any opinion or any input to share with dh! regardless of bm in the picture or not, how she turns out is not your problem.
i'm disengaged from kaos. i will says something if it affects me or mine directly, but sometimes i find myself re-engaging and have to remind myself "who gives a f*ck? not meeeee!!!!" to reset my way of thinking.
also remember too, you cant care more than the parent. it's possible to have the feeling of care, but if the parent doesnt care to the same extent, you WILL FAIL. you will be beating your head against a brick wall and building soooo much resentment, while dh will just shrug and go "what's the big deal?" dont do it. do. not. care more than he does.
Feel your pain as a Full
Feel your pain as a Full Timer myself. Some days are better than others though. Try pulling your SM card (also known as disengagement). That means if you can't correct or discipline SD then you can't/won't do anything else either. No cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, nada, zilch, nothing.
I wont take responsibility
I wont take responsibility without having authority. Doesnt matter whether the subject is a step kid, an extra work assignment or driving people in my car. Wont do it.
You wouldnt accept offering a lift to people but not being able to insist on them putting their seatbelts on before you drove, why is step-parenting any different?
My fiance said it best to me back in the beginning of our relationship. He said his priority was me and our relationship, my priority is him and our relationship and our joint priority is to the care and needs (not wants because thats endless) of any children in our care. (Children being SD, any future "ours" children, neighbours kid, my half brother, basically anyone under 18 years under our roof no matter the time frame)
What SD needs is the same as any child, for their biological parents to parent them. In the biological parents absence they need other adults that are responsible for their needs.
I dont like to sound like I think violence is ok because I dont but the sorts of men out there that think its ok to ask their girlfriend/wife to pretend to be a partner but not be able to expect standards in their home need a good slap