Two thumbs up!!! What you wrote are the exact same things I would have written myself!

I agree to the positive side as well. Being a SM made me appreciate my own kids even more. And where I once held hatred for my ex, I now can give him credit to helping raise our children to be responsible adults.

I went into this whole thing absolutely clueless! I think I watched too much Brady Bunch as a kid or something, I don't know? When I met DH, I knew he had 2 kids, didn't bother me in the least! I actually liked them and they liked me. I actually thought I could be buddies with BMs. (insert crazy laughter here! what a dipshit I was!) I actually thought I could be a mother to skids. (insert more crazy laughter)

I can honestly say I tried, I really did but after a couple of years of getting beaten down, for trying, I gave up trying. Then I'm the bad person for that! It never ends. I used to be the most happy go lucky person. People would always comment how I was always happy, always had a smile on my face etc. Now I feel like I must look like I ate a lemon, I swear like a truck driver and I'm jaded, just jaded. I don't trust anyone, I get moody and snap about the stupidest shit, I am cautious about opening up to anyone and I constantly feel like I am a bad person, like I need to do SOMETHING to make things right. How ridiculous, because I am not the one who made things wrong!

I do agree that I think I am a better mother to BS4 because I see how skids turned out and I'll be damned if I EVER let BS4 end up like them.

I have become MUCH more cynical as I see the next generation of BMs selfishly PASing out their children.

I used to think that grown women could be mature and do the right thing. Then I met BM. (check)

I used to think that children minded their own business and didnt cause trouble for their parents or other adults. Then I met the skids. (check)

I realize I am super protective of my home and my belongings and my personal space. (check)

I also realized that once my trust is broken, its hard to gain it back. I used to think I was a forgiving person but man when it comes to the skids, I have tried and tried and forgave and forgave and now I am just like F it. (check)

I am less impulsive. I know I cant curse BM out no matter how angry she makes me so Ive learned a lot of patience. I have never been a person who has a lot of that in stock. I don't like that every time SD is on her way to our house or we get a text from BM or BMs num comes up on caller ID my stomach starts knotting up, sometimes so bad I feel like I might puke. She gets my adrenaline pumping real quick and that turns into frustration because there is nothing I can do about it. I have deff gotten more possessive of our home and our rules as well as DH. BM still thinks she runs him and she doesn't. I also don't like feeling like I have to eavesdrop on the kids when SD is here or when SD is on the phone with BM. I feel like BM invades our privacy through SD. I will say though BM has shown me exactly what type of mother I want to be absolutely NOTHING like. I want my kids/skid to feel safe and loved, not because they came and told me everything bad that happened at XYZ's house, but because they are our children and we will always be there for them no matter what. My BS6 knows he can come to myself or DH for anything and he does. We do not play head games or play children against the parents. The child we biologically have together is so happy, smart, outgoing, etc. And BS has gotten to be a lot more like that as well since DH adopted him and his BioDad went out of the pic.

Almost every way it's changed you. Ivsecond guess everything now. Is what I say wrong/going to be taken wrong.
I can't talk above a whisper or radar ears will listen to everything she shouldn't.
My whole life is spent walking on eggshells.
I find myself angry most every day at the smell of child/laziness/selfishness.
I love dh. I love our kids, and youngest SD. But oldest SD makes me dread leaving my room each morning.

I'll Amen everything on your list. Even with my skids being grown I still feel the same way because they and their drama are always lurking in the background. I'm always waiting for something else to go wrong. I feel second to everything and everyone in this family, I have trust issues regarding finances and privacy, I have thoughts of escaping and I fantasize about having my own place but dh can visit every other weekend. Heck, I have thoughts about getting divorced, even after 13 years of putting up with it. I guess I'm on the edge now. Not sure how much more I can take.

I had destroyed me emotionally 100%.

I have been thinking about this question since I first saw this blog earlier and I just can't come up with an answer.

I don't think it has changed me. So, I guess I've always been a cynical bitch.

Since I became a step 13 years ago, I have wanted to beat someone's ass down physically for the first time in my life (bm). I have felt real hate and anger toward her like I never have anyone else. It is better now, but still.

I hate that in my opinion to help Sd, I probably broke her down too, that she could not read at age 12, and why not, instead of oh she is so great. Same w how she treated DH, she would say he was not a good dad to her and I asked her how was she as a daughter too, that relationships are two way. I remember she was shocked that once I called her an f'ing brat when she hurt him, but I wanted her to know, I was pissed!!! But my mom never cussed, so I am not as good as her.

I am sad that I have broken down DH like that too over various things that were absolutely true, for his own good, that he will never admit still. Hate fighting with him but if I hadn't things would have been much worse.

I hate that I see the worst in people now, like in laws, bm etc. I never knew people like them before.

I anm proud I have finally learned to stand up for myself now, at 50. But why did it have to be so hard?? Poor me Charlie Brown!!!

All of what you said. Nailed it.

I'm def more anxious and I've always had anxiety issues anyway.

More suspicious for sure. I hate feeling like I have to hide things in my own home.

I feel like I have to walk on egg shells in my own home. Heaven forbid I correct SD behavior when he is not paying attention. I guess I'm supposed to sit back and let SD bully my BD.

I've started to notice some favoritism between the kids from FDH and it bothers the shit out of me. Srsly...why does SD get to finish her share and start in on BD's?

As soon as I hear SD is being dumped again(rly BM? Can't stand to have your kid more than 12 hours at a time?), I immediately get snippy and crabby

I'm more insecure than I already was.

And just like you, theres always the elephant in the room that FDH and I don't discuss. He's too overly sensitive and defensive.

There are so many points on here I agree with. I never knew BM's could be so selfish and cruel to their own children. These poor skids are truly screwed up for life, god knows how they will turn out.

The other thing that has effected me the most is my sleep pattern. I lie awake for hours or toss and turn all night, sleep talk and sleep walk. My sub conscious was so unsettled right from the moment the decision was set to live with my man and have his kids over every other weekend. All the psychological warfare between BM and us has left me sleep deprived for over a year now. It's so hard to switch off. The only respite was for 6 weeks when I just told him get your skids out of my house or pack your stuff. Ah those were 6 blissful weeks of deep restful sleep.

And I have tried disengaging but that only left me feeling like I was hiding in my own home and also my boyfriends "spine development" went into decline. I've been helping him rebuild his spine and find his balls since BM took them on their wedding day. 17 years later we nearly have a full set and most of the spine is repaired. Lol

So SLEEP! That's what has changed the most for me......I miss sleeping.