SO is going to live with SD (his daughter)??
After SD18s graduation, SO and I got to talking about what SD18 will be doing. I have stayed out of all of this so far. Everything I know is only coming from SO, so i have to take all the info with a grain of salt. Supposedly, BM wants SD to move out (no idea if this is really true since child support will be cut in half if SD leaves).
As a reminder, SO and I live 4 hours apart since we are both stuck in our jobs right now.
SO tells me that SD18 is excited about his idea he came up with for her major. dental hygiene. The girl that spent 3 years of high school getting c, d, f grades and pulled them up this past year, should enroll in a program that requires some stringent science courses (which she admittedly hates) and maintain this for 4 years.
I realize people can change and she did well her last year, but I just don't see it.
SO then informs me that since she didn't get any applications in for college for the fall that he's going to have her move with him into an apartment, and he's going to have her do a semester at jr college and get her enrolled into the major university for the dental hygienist program in the spring. He tells me the plan is to get her set up, then when I move up we buy a house and she keeps the apartment-- i already told him I will not live with her.
I don't even know what to think. I see so many problems here. Now, I don't even want to try and look for a job and move there because she is going to be a lot of drama and he's going to be doing a lot of hand holding. How the hell is he going to have time for me and his baby son when he's working and then wrapped up in trying to make SD do what she is supposed to?? Not to mention them living in an apartment together? Both of them are moody and all I see him doing is catering to her.
I'm really just flabbergasted right now. Don't know. I guess all I can think is that A LOT can happen before the fall. Its the blind leading the blind and neither of them know what the hell they are doing when it comes to going to college.
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Oh no. Sounds like too much
Oh no. Sounds like too much enabling. If she is going to be a full-fledged functioning adult member of society, I feel that is way too much daddy support. I mean, I helped my son with applying and such but he took the initiative to find scholarships after I pointed him in the right direction. We did let him rent our house for cheap but he still had to pay for it plus utilities plus his own groceries, etc.
TONS of enabling. She's been
TONS of enabling. She's been coddled too long. I'm trying to point SO in the right direction for him to pass to her, but he's just getting it either.
Ew. And how is it going to
Ew.
And how is it going to work out when you and SO want to see each other? Do you go there, or does he drive to see you?
I can see "PROBLEM" written all over this, especially if SD starts getting into that needy mini-wife syndrome phenomenon. And you're right, there's going to be a lot of over-compensating from SO.
Just ew.
p.s. how's beebee boy?
Well, she should be super
Well, she should be super busy because she will need to work or study on the weekends. He drives to see me now. I go down occasionally, but we get a hotel since he is renting a room from a coworker at the moment.
I have no idea how he's going to afford an apartment.
PROBLEM yes. I see him getting annoyed with her though. She's totally lazy and messy. Keeps really weird hours. I'm worried the enabling will continue, but I dunno. It seems like in the past when he has to deal with her only, and there's no scapegoat, then he really gets onto her. We'll see. For now I'm postponing any move. I just don't want to be in that mess.
OMG he's wonderful! How is your little one???? He's 22 months now and FINALLY starting to use words instead of his babble language. LOL
Well said. I've told him she
Well said. I've told him she needs to get out in the world and learn how to take care of herself. Its time. She has had too much hand holding and its real life now.
It never ends, does it? The
It never ends, does it? The codddling and enabling. If he does this, the miniwife role will be complete. She'll never support herself, he'll end up paying for everything and supporting her just like a husband/wife scenario--and you and your son will be left in the dust.
I don't know but it's downright incestuous to me!!! NEVER EVER would my father do that in a MILLION years. When I got married at age 18 he put his hand out and demanded the keys back to the house (really, the apartment we as a family lived it)
Tell your husband to remove the water wings and training wheels STAT!
Totally agree with
Totally agree with "thinkthrice" ^^!! It wilL NEVER END and she will be depending on him for the majority of her life. Hubby needs to open his eyes and realise that YOU are his wife NOT his lazy ass daughter, and he should be doing all he can to secure you and his future together.. not worrying about the useless twit - he's not doing her any favours right now.
I agree. It seems like it
I agree. It seems like it never ends. She needs to be on her own. He says he will give her the apt and then move if/when we get our house. I haven't been in a hurry to move there now though.
Encourage her to get
Encourage her to get ROOMMATES HER OWN AGE!!! She doesn't need her DAD as a ROOMMATE!!
Hi Helena I had not realized
Hi Helena I had not realized you were still on here. Great to see your blog. I have a slightly similar situation with SS22 at the moment who keeps flunking his final exams, now has depression and needed major-handholding in DH's view earlier this year. I have to say I did make them move in together -- very temporarily, for only 3 weeks -- just so DH could get SS back on his feet and kickstart him into adult life. The idea was partly too so that I would keep completely uninvolved (it was my quid pro quo for DH's proposal that SS move in with us, heaven forbid), and that DH would get sick of the roleplay and realize he did not want to shack up with the guy. I guess for me it worked because otherwise we are living together with our 2 bios, and thus DH faced quite an upheaval and was quick to give up on cohabiting with his son when the son got separate accommodation. But in your situation... if you are already living apart... I would think your DH may benefit more from cohabiting with his daughter, and it will not be a healthy move. Plus it could last a long while. I know from years back that you are very disengaged, so it may not appeal to you to discuss this at all with him, but if you do I feel it might be worth pointing out to him that a kid this age is just not going to look cool to her student pals if she is shacked up with dad on her own and being over-coddled. Surely the thing now is for her to have a life with her peers. He is just doing her no favors socially.
this is an excellent
this is an excellent excellent point. It is weird. I hope it is weird to her eventually. For some reason she has never cared to have her dad so involved, but that was not with her friends around either. Most of her close friends were in BMs city.
I do feel like if he had to deal with her on his own and no scapegoat that he would get tired of her. He's done it before. When I disengaged she turned to blaming everything on her brother (my SS) and dad finally let her have it. I think it could happen again.
which is why I'm not
which is why I'm not interested in moving. He's going to be too preoccupied.