I would be hurt as well.

I like the above suggestion about counseling. There are issues here that are not going to resolve themselves.

~Hugs~

Wow! Totally agree with tommar. He did intentionally throw you under the bus and you need marriage counseling asap.

I'm sorry, but how old is he? He sounds very young since he is trying to get sympathy attention from everyone else. yuk.

And I do not think going through his phone was wrong at all. (yes...I know, I am the odd man out on this.) lol

He didn't get any sympathy from you, so of course he has to look for it elsewhere. Obviously his friend wasn't too terribly guilt ridden or concerned about MSD as HE didn't offer for them to stay there.. right?

and this! He only tells me what he wants to tell me, never clues me in to the full picture, but expects me to go out of my way to be help the skids. My DH does this same crap. I just told him for the 5000th time yesterday he can't have it both ways, I am NOT going to run skipping through the tulips with SD16 and acting like her "mom" and then have him shut me out and flat out tell me to "mind my own business" when it comes to spending gobs of money every month on the Perfect Precious Princess, or when I dare have an opinion about her going to summer school, or if I {gasp} ask why her fucking cell phone bill is $700.00. Nope, not how it's going to work, you want to selectively shut me out, then I shall do the same.

I'm to the point where I don't give a flying frack what people think about me. Wanna think I'm some wicked stepmother, have at it. I know the truth and honestly so does DH, he just chooses to skirt it because he would never want to admit that SD16 is not as perfect and precious as he wants everyone to think she is. Or how bout you walk a mile in my shoes. KWIM?

Stand your ground zero and don't you dare feel badly about it!! {{hugs}}

I would feel hurt and quite pissed off. One of my friends has a DH who does the same thing and I have heard his woe is me attitude as he was throwing his wife under the bus. I kept my mouth shut but lost respect for the guy and it was awkward around my friend afterwards bc she was feeling insecure and I picked right up on that.

Don't really have any helpful advise to offer accept for you to be yourself when you are around these friends and crack a joke or something if it will break the ice. But keep in mind that there are two sides to every story and if your friends are real friends, they shouldn't judge you over this. Most people don't like being in the middle anyways and your DH's actions are showing that he doesn't worry and or care about other peoples feelings. If my DH was doing that, I would deal with it in counseling sooner than later and go from there.

Well hon for all intents and purposes your husband left you. I would react the same regardless of the reasoning. If a man doesn't want to be with me fine. Balls in his court. All he needs to hear from u is crickets other than this: if u sign a lease for her we are finished. Radio silence. She can suck up to her mom or her baby daddy family and start making better choices or whatever. I'd give my dh a time frame to get shit straight and after that I'd see an attorney. And if the two of u ever make it through this id also make sure he knew if he ever left our house again because of his kids he'd never come back

He is going to look like the victim no matter what happens here. If I were you, it sounds like your marriage may be on it's last leg, I would start forming your exit strategy. He has no loyalty to you at all.

Sorry, but no matter how this played out, you were going to be the fall guy. If you had taken them in, they wouldn't leave and you would be the bitch for forcing them to go. No matter how this plays out in the end, you have to protect your bio kid and yourself, since clearly your husband won't. So why try for him?

You really need an Exit Strategy. I love my husband and when things are good they are great, but when SD and BM make contact, it is hard on me since she is not welcome. So even though we have been married 5 years and together for 9, I have an exit strategy.

So when were the texts to DH's friend made? The evening Dh left the house to go pick up SD (after you made it clear she couldn't come to your home) and before you talked/texted with him about willing to help just not house? The timeline of those texts to friend would be what might or might not matter to me if I were you. If they were made , say, yesterday morning or afternoon? Yeah I'd be angry the guy pitched me under the bus as he knew full well I was willing to assist and of course he could come home and pick-up anything he needed.

But as an aside...I wouldn't give a rats what the friends thought about any of it. SD hasn't lied to , stolen from and/or made their home a stressful environment as she has you. It's easy for them to think you're 'evil', they haven't had to put up with her BS. They haven't had DH defend her against them when DH knew the girl had done wrong. Pfft. Who cares what the friends think. I see they didn't swing their doorway open wide to take her and DH in for even one night.

Good job! Be prepared though that she may not respond and if she does do a mea culpa it is temporary. I did this and then when she got angry at DH, it was all directed at me. So we are back to no longer having much of a relationship with her. But, for you there is a baby involved. Maybe she can grow up long enough to realize, you may be the best thing that could happen to her and her child and if she aligns with you she may give that kid a fighting chance and have a fresh start. But, not in your house.

I do think, you had to do this, so that your conscience is clear. Mine is after I have sent off a long detailed email to BM, at least I got it out. Good job!

"While I dont like going this route THIS seems to be the only way I can get information regarding ANYTHING" I've def felt like this before and done it.

The whole throw you under the bus with the friends, been there too.
You know you are on to something with "this was ok with BM but I'm not ok with it"
All his friends hated BM but honestly I don't think it was all her fault.

Boundaries around your relationship.
If you love him, he loves you, go to counseling. Work on the issues. Throwing daggers doesn't help even though it might feel ok for a while or in the moment or might give some satisfaction that doesn't last.

Good luck to you and you're right to not have to put up with this and that you are going to make the best decisions for yourself and your home that you can. He might need to hear from a professional what he's doing and how it's messing up his marriage. You guys might not be able to figure all that out in a long talk might just need to get started on the counseling even if just a few sessions to get you on a similar page and a workable one.

Well, you've extended the olive branch and you've reached out to your dh. you still have no idea when/if you husband is coming home to you. you do know that he's placing his friend above this crisis in your marriage when he should be chomping at the bit to get back home and make things good again. I say...radio silence. this man needs to feel what it's like if you weren't in his life, he needs to wonder what YOUR doing for a change. you are chasing him. stop. let him come to you. go out, live your life! do things for yourself you wouldn't normally do, enjoy a little of your freedom, don't wait by the phone. this man needs to know that you are going to be ok, with or without him. you want him to WANT to be with you, to fix things. by chasing him, you are chasing him away. leave him alone, let him sort things out in his head. and I wouldn't contact sd anymore, either. this is between you and your dh.