I am so tired of BM's Crap!!
So crazy ass BM is back to her old tricks. She has decided that she no longer needs to communicate with DF. It is really pathetic. She is mad that DF talked to the SDs teachers. And to make matters worse, she has the SDs lying to DF. He called both girls two nights ago and quizzed them on their spelling words. They both lied and told him that he had the wrong list of words. And when he asked SD9 point blank what her grade in spelling was last quarter she told him it was a B. He called her out on it and told her he saw her report card, to which BM jumped in and stated that they lie b/c they are afraid of disappointing him. Whatever, BM. We can hear her in the background coaching them on what to say. What they don't realize is that both of their teachers are now sending him the words for the week every Monday and updating him on their grades. Any time DF tries to work with them on their spelling words, BM gets on the phone and tells DF that they both write their spelling words every night and she doesn't need his help. Then to make matters worse, he texts her and asks her to let him know what words they need help with. This is BM's reply, "I have children so don't text me after 8 PM ever again. You may call your children between the hours of 3-6."
Of course, DF argued with that because their CO states he can call all the way up until 8:30 P.M. And, he doesn't get off work until 6. So, he ignores her and calls at 7:30 last night. And he receives a reply that states, "the girls are taking a bath for bed. They can't talk to you tonight. Try earlier next time."
DF has also been sending friendly texts and emails to her about the SDs grades and working with them on their spelling words. However, BM has decided to just ignore those completely. We are both livid, but are keeping our cool b/c we are just quietly gathering evidence. BM really thinks she can do whatever she wants. And, I hope she finds out soon enough that it doesn't work that way...
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He does it because they live
He does it because they live with BM in another state. And, they are both failing spelling. Both of their teachers asked him to work with them over the phone. He calls them every night. And, he tries to work with them as much as possible so they can raise their spelling grades.
I disagree and commend him
I disagree and commend him for trying to be an active parent even with the distance.
Yep! I'd love for BM to be
Yep! I'd love for BM to be involved in schooling. Kids need to be taught by BOTH parents that school is important, not just the CP.
He has to engage some way,
He has to engage some way, and this way is what they need. BM needs to get over herself and work with the dad.
I am with tog on this one. I
I am with tog on this one. I would be annoyed as hell if my kids dad did this. I think he needs to back off quizzing the kids. Also, giving them the 3rd degree about school and grades will only drive a wedge in their relationship. If he lives in another state and isn't there for eowe visits, he kind of needs to keep it a little lighter. Not saying become Disney dad, but he doesn't need to hound them either.
Oh yeah, so you should def
Oh yeah, so you should def just stop caring about how they do in school and do nothing!
So he should care, but not
So he should care, but not actually do anything about it.....?
I'm with you Tog!!!... AGAIN
I'm with you Tog!!!... AGAIN the double standard. If I posted that BM was calling our home every night insisting on tutoring skids over phone, and that it is intrusive and bothersome to us I PROMISE the replies would be:
1. don't answer the phone
2. contact via email only if your BM is being so high conflict/intrusive
3. this is YOUR time, BM should not be intruding especially if you have not ASKED for her help
blah blah blah.
It'd be one thing if BM asked for your DH help, but she didn't. He's being intrusive and over stepping in my opinion and I'd be ticked too.
Those wouldn't be MY replies!
Those wouldn't be MY replies! No double standard here. I would be defending BM. Different people can have different opinions........ that doesn't make it a double standard.
We are trying to get custody.
We are trying to get custody. She is that bad of a mother. We were under the impression that everything was going well at school until SD7 said something that made DF suspicious. DF called the school and lo and behold, the SDs are failing several classes and have missed 26 days of school. BM refuses to work with us, so DF and I are gathering evidence and taking her back to court for full custody. He is just trying to work with them as much as he can until we can go to court. He is hoping they can get the grades up with his help. Besides, BM has to let him talk to the girls. It really shouldn't be such a big deal if he goes over their spelling words.
I guess I just look at it
I guess I just look at it differently. My ex and I have a great relationship when it comes to the kids. He calls and asks them about homework and tries to help them when he can. I think they should both learn to work together so the SDs are thriving, but I don't see that happening any time soon. I just feel bad that the SDs are suffering in the meantime.
Actually, according to our
Actually, according to our C/O, she has to let him talk to the kids at least once a day as long as he calls within the hours. Plus, he pays for the SDs to have a cell phone where he can reach them. That way he can talk to them when BM is not home.
if he is at work until 6 then
if he is at work until 6 then yes that is interference if she is limiting him to those hours.
He calls them about 4 times a
He calls them about 4 times a week on average so its not like he calls 10 times a day. He calls them and asks them if they want to go over their words. Lately, he has been calling when he knows BM is not home b/c the Stepdad lets him talk to them and doesn't get involved. Plus, when he called and she sent him that message, he didn't argue, just messaged back that he would call tomorrow. The problem is that BM lies to him and the teachers are both concerned. We are going back to court. DF is definitely not overbearing. He tries to be polite with BM, but every time he asks anything about the SDs, he is a loser and doesn't pay enough CS.
I think I can see both sides of this. I guess DF is just overly concerned about the SDs being held back.
I think the courts will take
I think the courts will take into consideration what the teachers are saying about the kids. The teachers asked the dad to help the kids study their words, so the court will see that the dad is acting on the advice of the edu professionals.
I'm assuming he's not saying,
I'm assuming he's not saying, "Hey kids your mom is an idiot so let's go over spelling!"
I don't think I could be
I don't think I could be married to a man who could just "let it go" when it came to his kids' education.
Well you wouldn't really have
Well you wouldn't really have a choice about that. And if being involved or trying to is intruding, I think that you should check your ego. It isn't about the mom at all, it is about the kids.
So again, yep!!! I also
So again, yep!!! I also wouldn't take it personally and think that he just thought I was incompetent as his reasoning for doing it, unless of course, I had a reason to feel insecure about how I was parenting.
if they are failing
if they are failing apparently she isnt handling it.
EXACTLY!
EXACTLY!
No, he never says anything
No, he never says anything about BM. He just says lets go over your spelling words.
Well apparently she is
Well apparently she is incompetent. I commend him for trying to look out for his children, who the hell cares if she is offended, if she is offended perhaps it is because she should be parenting her kids better. If the school specifically has to ask a non custodial parent to step in, damn right they should. Are we supposed to let children fail because we may step on the others toes? And if it is in the court order for him to be able to call each night and it is a documented repeat occurence of her not letting them talk to him she will be the one at fault.
OP encourage DH to keep trying and get custody proceedings started immediatley if you have not already as well as contempt proceedings for interfering with contact. Let her explain to a judge why Dad trying to help daughters with spelling words at the request of teachers is such a bad thing.
Actually schools will do
Actually schools will do this. Recently in a similar situation where the teacher was sending all missing work to DH for SS to complete when he was with us because attempts for the BM to correct anything was failing miserably and he is a smart kid. She is just a shitty parent.
Schools do contact the NCP if
Schools do contact the NCP if the CP doesn't help the student rectify the situation.
DH deals with this all the time. School will contact him if they have tried contacting BM several times with no response. Happened today. SS14 is failing 3 classes, they have just about 2 months left of school. They stated that they've tried contacting BM for a week and haven't heard from her so they contacted DH. The school is just matter of fact about it, they do not call BM an incompetent boob but it is a matter of urgency to get a plan in place for SS14 to succeed.
"Are we supposed to let
"Are we supposed to let children fail because we may step on the others toes?"
THIS THIS THIS!!
I get the whole missing
I get the whole missing school and being concerned for education. I just wouldn't hound the kids until you actually have custody.
Do you think he'd get custody
Do you think he'd get custody if he didn't show an interest in their education? The judge is going to ask what he has done to try to help. He is really going beyond what is expected to try to help his kids succeed. This will help him get custody.
I get that, however, being
I get that, however, being overbearing and intrusive will not get him anywhere positive either. He can express his concern to BM but to hound kids about spelling words when he calls isn't going to do anything but cause more problems than help anything.
The kids will start to resent the calls
BM feels like you are being too intrusive
BM tells the kids that dad is just a jerk and doesn't think that they are smart. Kids believe it. Kids won't talk to dad anymore.
^^^ This is a reality that you need to be cautious of. And don't think for a minute that if you actually do get custody that BM won't be so far up your butt you won't be able to breathe. She will make you lives living hell and be 100 times more intrusive than you ever imagined possible.
"I get that, however, being
"I get that, however, being overbearing and intrusive will not get him anywhere positive either. He can express his concern to BM but to hound kids about spelling words when he calls isn't going to do anything but cause more problems than help anything."
* He has expressed the concern, she doesn't care and isn't as concerned apparently.
He is not causing more problems by using his CO given time to help his kids with their spelling words.
"The kids will start to resent the calls
BM feels like you are being too intrusive"
* Who gives a damn how BM feels, he is more concerned about his kids. The kids spelling grades will improve and the girls will feel better about themselves as they realize they are capable of aceing their weekly spelling test and all it took was to actually study with the help of an adult who cared!
"BM tells the kids that dad is just a jerk and doesn't think that they are smart. Kids believe it. Kids won't talk to dad anymore."
* Now you're stretching here but see above and newfound confidence with improved grades.
"This is a reality that you need to be cautious of. And don't think for a minute that if you actually do get custody that BM won't be so far up your butt you won't be able to breathe. She will make you lives living hell and be 100 times more intrusive than you ever imagined possible."
* Still stretching. I'm sure they'll stick to the CO...just like they're doing now, and BM won't get a chance to "be up their butt".
There was nothing stretching
There was nothing stretching about what I said. How many on here went though EXACTLY that situation??
I would be annoyed also if I
I would be annoyed also if I were BM.
I also don't understand why your DH would move away from his kids if he wants to be that involved? If he wanted to be involved he should have stayed where he was.
I understand he moved for a higher paying job, but that is no excuse to move away from your kids.
As always..IMHO.
If they were passing, he
If they were passing, he wouldn't be that involved. When he contacted the teachers, SD7's teacher asked him to work with them on the phone. That was it. It was never about upsetting BM.
We are having a long list of issues with BM so that is why he is so upset. I don't believe he isn't entitled to be concerned about their grades just because his job moved. He is still there father and he goes out of his way to be part of their lives.
I agree with Willow. Moving
I agree with Willow.
Moving away from your kids means you can no longer be involved in their day and to day routine.
Hell, we live five minutes away from SDs 9&6. BM would flip if DF pulled this with her. As much as I hate the woman, I would not blame her one bit.
The BM must not be that bad
The BM must not be that bad since the father moved away and left the skids with just her....
I think Dad has every right
I think Dad has every right to speak with his children and do the best he can to be involved in their schooling especially since he is in another state. BM needs to keep her nose out of the conversation between the kids and Dad.
I would never think to coach my children on what to say to their parent. Its a private conversation.
The calling thing is still
The calling thing is still bugging me though... These girls are fairly little. I would assume that bedtime is between 8-9 which means that bath-time is sometime prior to that and dinner time is sometime prior to that etc. So is BM supposed to put everything on hold between 3-8:30 in case dad might call? OP said that dad doesn't call every night, and that he calls at different times. That is wrong. There should be a set time, not a dang 4 hour window of opportunity. I don't blame BM for saying girls are in the bath, sorry.
I think they would be better off having a set time each night that dad will call that is agreeable to EVERYONE. Unfortunately it's like you said, it's a damned if you do and damned if you don't sitch here. Set time will stink too, especially if BM plays games, BUT then it is ALL on BM. Dad said he would call promptly at 7:00, BM had kids in the bath, didn't answer, whatever. then it's on HER.
We tried to set a time for
We tried to set a time for calls during our mediation to amend C/O. BM refused saying that we don't need to set a time as he is always allowed to talk to the kids when he calls. He wanted to set a time around his work schedule that he could talk to them. She doesn't allow that. The truth is that she is trying to push him out of his kids' lives. And even when he wasn't going over the kids spelling words, she would deny him time on the phones. I guess b/c she is the CP, she should just do whatever she wants.
If they are busy, there is no
If they are busy, there is no reason for them not to call him back. BM calls skid when we are eating/getting ready for bed all the time. No, we don't answer but skid does call her back sometime before bed time. Because you know what is more important than getting to bed at exactly 8pm on the dot? Skid's relationship with their mom. (or dad in OP's case)
Wow. I have to side with the
Wow. I have to side with the BM on this one. That is so intrusive. This is the kind of thing that made me hate my husband's ex...the inappropriate intrusions into our home life.
I haven't read the other replies but I hope to hell I'm not the only one who sees how wrong this is.
DH has started to contact SD
DH has started to contact SD on a regular basis to go over HW over the phone as well. Why? Simple, because SD13 was failing 6 out of 8 classes. Why? Simple, because BM doesn't give a flying rats ass about her daughters education. DH has been helping via the phone for about 5 weeks now and her grades have changed DRASTICALLY. So yes, if a BM is a shitty parent and the NCP is willing to put in the extra work to help his child, then I say go for it.
I think it's important that
I think it's important that DH does the 'show' first. Ok, girls are failing, action needed. DH 'shows' BM that he wants to work together, that he wants to support the girls' learning, etc. That is 1. just common sense, 2. non-confrontational, and 3. documentation for the future.
Then if (when) BM won't allow DH access, or won't support him working with the girls' on their school, DH's position has been defined by BM, rather than by him being confrontational.
I think DH is out of line, but I also know that there's more to the story. He needs to make sure that no matter who reads the story, he's the one with the white hat.
Friendly texts and emails is
Friendly texts and emails is adding to the situation. Asking BM which words kids 'need' to practice more (so he can go over those words). Yeah, I can see why BM copped an attitude. DH is indeed making BM look/feel like an incompetent idiot and the 'ok, girls now lets do our homework together' is being intrusive. 7:30pm is not a typical 'time to do your homework' time, it's bath and ready for bed time.
I can understand Dad's desire to try and help (he's concerned over failing grades, being held back to repeat a grade and of course all the absences). But he's forcing himself in the way he is doing it and this is the part BM has every right to tell Dad to buzz off.
He needs to try a different approach. First he needs to knock off the 'friendly' texts and emails to BM about the spelling words. Second, these kids don't want to repeat homework for a second time in the evening. The girls should be writing the words every afternoon when they actually are doing their homework. Each word 3 to 5 times. This requires no assistance from either parent and it drills the sight of the written word into the kiddos heads. Yes, it would be helpful if BM would go verbally over the words with kids the night or two before test...but BM can't be demanded to. Do the calls have a cellphone? If so, one evening a week they might text Dad the spelling words (more practice in writing/spelling their words. Dad could see they are working on them. If no cell or email access, perhaps write each word 2-3 times say Wednesday after-school each week and mail them to Dad (yes, send envelopes and stamps on Dad's dime)...this is something they could do right when they are already practicing the words doing their routine homework (long before supper hour or bath/bedtime). It isn't breaking into BM's and the girls. Think about it. If Bm and girls have finished dinner, are sitting watching the kid's favorite evening program on television or maybe out doing an activity and getting about time to get baths and pjs...would you really want to stop everything and do homework with Dad over the phone?
Keep the actual allowed time to call the girls sticking to everyday chit-chat. Sure Dad can ask if they've been working on words and doing homework, but no kid wants to hear the phone ring and think 'oh it's Dad to make us do more spelling while we're trying to have a bit of school free time before going to bed'. The girls are likely whining to BM over doing the phone homework as BM is doing to DH about him making the calls to do homework.
That's my point. BM doesn't
That's my point. BM doesn't do homework with the kids. That is our problem. Trust me, the girls aren't getting baths and ready for bed at 7:30. Before this whole spelling thing, BM would have the girls call us as late as 9:30. Half the time they were working on homework or just finishing dinner. This is just another attempt by BM to control the situation.
If BM was working with the kids, they wouldn't be flunking several classes or missing 26 days of school.
But at this point BM is the
But at this point BM is the custodial parent and DH can't force his way in either by telling BM how she must run her home/girls or by telephone.
Unless DH can get a custody change (hopefully he can if that's what is best, but not an easy thing to get changed), he's not in control of how or what things are at BM's. As this doesn't qualify for an emergency temporary change in custody a fight for a change will take time...Dad isn't going to be able to 'save' this kids this school year. That's why I recommended suggesting to the girls the do the writing of the words nightly. He can suggest it as being a useful helping aid...he can't demand it be followed nor can he force BM to allow this long distance tutoring.
He may try the teacher again and simply retell how the over the phone homework is not going to work aka be allowed and hopefully teacher or school can suggest to BM after-school tutoring (some schools have this or have volunteer homework tutors free at school after regular school is dismissed).
Sad as it is, Bm is indeed the control person in her home...Dad can't phone in overtaking that control. By continuing to phone to tutor all he is going to do is drive BM even more to put a stop to it. So your CO gives Dad phone time. Lots of Cos do these days. Does it say how many calls a week, which evenings and length of time? BM will modify this current order under the guise that DH is harassing her with the calls. No parent should be phoning unlimited time just because a CO says calls may be allowed and up to 8:30pm. And just because it may say calls can be made and up to 8:30 pm, it doesn't mean nightly for 30 to whatever minutes each kid ...these calls are meant to be 'hi, how was your day/week and goodnight'. If Dh keeps pushing BM she'll modify to like two nights a week (example of Monday and Thursday) for five minutes each child each call. No court order means kids are to be accessible from 3 to 8:30pm no matter what and be on stand-by in case Dad might call.
If BM is only allowing calls from 3-6pm (knowing full well Dad can't make calls during that span) , then Dad can approach a modification filing to change calls to say, may call between 6-6:30pm (or whatever) for x amount of minutes per child.
I am with the others on this
I am with the others on this and here is why: I know every situation is different, but my bios' dad is absent, he likes to be around for Christmas and birthdays and when his parents visit from out of town, but he has never been there to do the grind. He does not know what a struggle it is to get bio to sit down and do his homework. He doesn't know what a struggle it is to get other bio to slow down and follow direction (my kids are still fairly young) he doesn't know what it's like to clean owies, wake up with a sick kid, answer 20 questions about why the moon is out this window today and was out the other window yesterday etc. etc. etc. So I would light his ass up if he at all tried to criticize my parenting on ANY level.
I realize that your DH is trying to be involved more so than my ex, but the fact is, he moved away, he is not there for the grind so he doesn't get a say in how BM is doing it. If she is doing that poorly, then by all means go for custody, but by these intrusive phone calls he is practically begging for PAS from the BM.
Of course he should care and I commend him for that, but this is not the right way to go about it.
You said it more eloquently
You said it more eloquently than I did. You are exactly right.
If she is doing a terrible job raising the kids, by all means go for custody. In the mean time, don't continually piss BM off. You aren't there to counteract any PAS being thrown at those kids.
I read your reply, made sense
I read your reply, made sense to me. After re-reading mine, I guess I want to add that I don't mind doing any of "the grind" and I truly love being a mom, it's just that, I know I'm not perfect and I don't need some asshat telling me what I'm doing wrong when he can't be bothered unless it's a facebook photo opportunity.
I don't think my DF thinks of
I don't think my DF thinks of his phone time as parenting time. My DF doesn't call and drill the girls on their spelling words. He asks them to go over the words with him. When BM isn't home, they do it just fine. When she is there, they say no and he asks them about their day. I didn't realize that DF should cut his relationship with kids b/c his job moved him. It sucks, but he is trying to make the best of a bad situation.
None of these others are
None of these others are living YOUR life.
No matter how many the times the facts are put out there for the readers, some are going to be very strong on their opinion of how things should or shouldn't be.
IMO, your DH is doing the best he can with what he is able to and for the right reasons.
Maybe I should have been
Maybe I should have been clearer. We live in Eastern Time Zone and they live in Central. He called them at 7:30 EST so it was 6:30 CST. I don't think that is too late to call. And BM had a say in the hours set out in our C/O. Maybe my DF shouldn't call at all. He can just be a non-entity in the girls lives. Calling my DF a pest is a little harsh. Judgmental much?
I don't know if I mentioned
I don't know if I mentioned that or not. But like I said, BM had some say in the times so its not like she was objecting to the call times. I would much rather they have a set time, as she often has the kids call back late and during very inconvenient times. But, this is the way that she insisted we write up the C/O. My DF lives so far away b/c his job transferred him. He tries to be involved. He gets off at 6. He tries to call only every few days to keep from being too disruptive. And if the girls ever state that they don't want to talk to him, he doesn't push it. Not sure what else he can do to be less of a "pest".