SSstb4 is driving me insane recently.
I can't believe it's happened. I thought it wouldn't happen until he was a teenager. I always enjoyed his company until a few weeks ago.
Whenever I sit down, he usually clambers all over me wanting to cuddle. I've been totally fine with this in the past, he's a lovely boy, I've been in his life since he was a few months old.
But recently when he's being cuddly with me, I have to stop myself from just pushing him away. I kept just saying "SS why don't you try and find your toy car" in an upbeat way, or other things like that, just so he'd run off and find it, to get him the frig away from me.
I feel like I want to roll my eyes at everything he says (I don't actually do it, I just feel like doing it). It's a combination of the things he's saying/ asking, and his actual voice. Not to mention this one annoying habit he's developed recently which FDH keeps telling him to stop every time he does it, but it's actually driving me insane.
Luckily I'm a very patient person and have just kept quiet/ not said anything/ snapped at SS, and have managed to keep upbeat and friendly with him but.. HELP. how do I stop this feeling?! I don't want him to start sensing that I don't want him around! He is such a sweet boy, and we've always gotten on so well. I'm feeling so awful about this 
Is this just a phase I'm going through with him?! I'm trying to think exactly what it is that started this feeling, (only a few weeks ago) I'm pretty sure it started when it came to light that he said something to BM that I didn't say. I've thought about it a lot, and I'm really hoping that he just misunderstood me, and then said to his mom about it, (other thing that could've happened is that he lied, but he's really not like that, I don't think, I don't know though, he's always been so honest, but he might be growing into the age of becoming a liar?!) ..anyway that incident really made me feel unsafe.
FDH and I have always closely guarded our personal lives/ kept secrecy with what's going on with us, from BM.. but now that SS's speech has improved so much as he's gotten older, we now both feel on edge around SS in case he repeats things to her. I've spoken to FDH about my feelings, and he understands what happened hurt me. He doesn't feel the sudden annoyance I'm feeling towards SS, but he actually agrees that he also has started to feel nervous about what he says in front of SS, and keeps starting to say something, then stopping when he realises SS is listening/there.
FDH and I just both feel that BM doesn't have a right to know anything about our lives. We kept DD5months quiet until 2months before she was due, and our wedding is still being kept quiet, we haven't mentioned a single word about it to SS, in case he says anything to BM. It's not like we need to prepare SS for us getting married, nothings gona change for him, FDH and I live together anyway, only thing that's gona happen is have a party and come home wearing rings lol
Anyway, what I'm saying is, what do I do about this feeling I'm having, I suppose you could say I feel betrayed by SS in a way. I almost dislike him right now. I'd be fine not seeing him again for quite a while. And.. I don't want to feel this way towards him. I also don't want him to sense that I feel this way towards him. He deserves to be happy, as do I. I don't want to be a miserable SM every weekend, and I don't want a sad SS who can sense that misery from me
What do we do?!! What do *I* do?!! this is horrible I'm watching everything I say and I hate it!
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oh no no no, nothing as
oh no no no, nothing as serious as that, it was just a little thing, but it still made me feel "unsafe" ..I realise it was just a little thing he said, but we have managed to keep our lives so totally separate from BM, now the divide (the 'divide' being SS being too young to tell her things) is closing, and I just feel I'm living in a goldfish bowl that she can look into whenever she wants (ie, talking to SS)
I know, BM has an infuriating habit of making things up in her head. there's no talking to her. if its not what she wants to hear, she'll twist it into something she *does* want to hear, and if nothing she hears is anything like she wants to hear, she'll make it up. I don't think we'll ever know exactly what happened with their conversation, but the biggest problem is the goldfish bowl thing :/
^^^^^^Exactamundo!^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^Exactamundo!^^^^^^^^
thankyou so much for your
thankyou so much for your personal experience with this x
FDH has firm boundaries with BM do there's no worries there, she is a non entity in FDH's mind, and therefore SS's mind when he is with us. (SS has his lives with us and her TOTALLY separated in his mind, we do nothing together, and if he even mentions BM at our home the conversation is quickly changed) SS even says things like, "oh, this toy is from moms house, I'd better take it back" same with his clothes, it's weird, he seems to know that 'this item belongs on moms house, and this item belongs at dads house" without us ever having had to say anything about it!!! (and we haven't!)
as crazy as BM is, she loves SS very much and I really don't think she would want him to be unhappy when he is with FDH.. I don't think she would do the whole "tell me Sunny is mean so I can feel better about myself"
..oh lord, actually , she is extremely insecure and I can just imagine her loving every second of her being "the best" ..she has this weird competition thing going on in her head with me I think
this is horrible, I just hope I can get to the point where you are, that I just don't care what she thinks
problem is, I've been trying to reach that point for 4years now.
I know it's pathetic, but whenever FDH suggests something to her that was my idea, and she says "oh that's a good idea" I do a little happy dance that she thinks I have good ideas. wtf is THAT all about?! why do I care if she thinks I have good ideas
Could it be possible that BM
Could it be possible that BM made up the lie and claimed your SS said it?
possible, but I truly think
possible, but I truly think SS just misunderstood what I was saying an it came out wrong when he was talking to BM. he has always been such an honest boy. he's a sweetie.
Wow, I remember when the
Wow, I remember when the Skids used to make things up about me too. It was very hurtful and made me very angry. However, as time passed, I began to realize that BM was really good at embellishing stories and even better at flat out lying. If she would ask the kids what they did at their dads house that weekend and they would say they went to watch my BS play football, she would turn that around and tell DH that the SKIDS SAID that they hate being forced to go watch football every weekend. That that is THEIR time with DH and they shouldn't be wasting it watching MY son play sports. She would say that SS was angry that HE couldn't play any sports but that my BS played. She still does things like this and we're 13-1/2 years into our relationship.
She also told DH that SD didn't like me because I lock her in her room. Also, a total lie, #1 - the bedroom doors only lock from the INSIDE and #2 - I never did that. We DO censor ourselves at home. We do not speak of ANYTHING that we don't want the BM to know. Start practicing, because THAT is unavoidable. Especially when the BM is grilling the kids. I walked in on SS once going through his drawers and telling his mom who was on the phone, one by one EVERY SINGLE ITEM of clothing that was in his dresser. DH blew a gasket. What you have to think of it is as a little spy living under your roof. Only feed the spy info that you WANT the enemy camp to know.
When these things happened at our house, I stopped talking to the skids altogether, for a REALLY long time, maybe an entire year or so. They noticed and when they asked what was wrong, I told them I didn't appreciate people making up lies about me. They told me they never said those things. I'll never know if it was true or not, but it showed me how to handle them from then on.
ripley, you're amazing x
ripley, you're amazing x ..once again you've hit the nail on the head. I'm feeling extremely insecure about SS telling BM stuff.. I guess it'll just take time to get used to
I'm so desperately trying to not view SS as a BM soldier, he is such a sweet boy and has always been an absolute joy..
(FDH has made sure of that, no disney dad here, even going so far as to say "you may be able to get away with that behaviour at BMs but don't think you can behave like that here" ..FDH is always very careful not to put BM down as a parent, but he makes it clear to SS that we realise he gets away with a lot more at her house, and it won't fly here )
ohhhh I hope I can get past this phase, I just wish I didnt care so much what she thinks of me
I love SS10 (he just turned
I love SS10 (he just turned 10 today), but OMG he is so annoying! He love to cuddle and I just want him to sit at the other side of the couch lol.
It really doesn't matter if
It really doesn't matter if BM twisted the story or not, but what does matter is that you need to get used to this. This child is getting older and the older he gets the more BM will hear about what's going on in your house. Maybe you two need counseling, but you do need to know this is going to happen from here on out. You can't let it bother you, you can't give BM space in your head or your lives. It will go both ways, your SS will come to your house and tell you what's going on in BM's house also, but at this age, there could be a lot of misconception so you can't take what he says seriously right now, and neither should BM, but you have no control over what she thinks. Unfortunately, your privacy level will drop drastically the older your SS gets.
as far as the super cuddling.
as far as the super cuddling. I asked a counselor about this, i felt the same sometimes SS was super cuddly and lacked the personal boundaries, even as a bio parent SO would get annoyed with him. My counselor said that kids have to be taught boundaries. It's ok to not want them all over you all the time. They annoy their bio parents with that too. They don't really know and probably don't want to annoy you so teaching them nicely somehow to keep to themselves a little. She said there's a book about a lil girl on a playground that goes around touching all the kids and the kids get annoyed with her- a childrens's book about personal space but I never found it.