House key for an 11 yr old? Opinions please!
Hi Fellow STalkers..
I need your opinions on this one, please.
Background: SS comes over EOW and half of every holiday i.e. one week of the two week holiday, then week on and off for the 6 week Xmas period. He is 11 years old, and turns 12 next month. He’s a great kid, keeps his room neat and tidy, helps us around the house and gets along great with my BS15.
Usually, the arrangements are that SO picks him up on Friday on his weekend, at 6pm, and BM then comes and collects him from our place at 6pm. SO recently got offered a permanent position and realised that he wouldn’t be able to make the 6pm pick up. He emailed BM asking if they could change the arrangements to 7.30pm. BM replied no way, and that she would drop SS off at our place 5.45-6pm. Nobody will be home at this time, as we all arrive usually around 6.30pm onwards.
So, after discussing with me, SO emailed her back, letting her know that this wasn’t a good idea as we won’t be home and he didn’t want SS11 standing outside on his own outside. It would get worse in the winter months as it gets darker later. He sent it to BM.
Then, after that, he tells me that we should give SS11 a key to our house.
I have to admit, I was a stunned. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that because:SS is ONLY 11 years old – he still misplaces his phone and would most likely lose the key at BM’s place. I asked SO what would he do if SS lost the key? SO replied that he would just get him a new set.
I have a HUGE problem with this. I told SO that this would NEVER happen. I didn’t like the fact that SS would take the key to OUR home, back to BM’s place. I didn’t like knowing that SO would just buy him another set if he lost the first set – what if he lost the 2nd? Or the 3rd? which could very well happen. Given BM and SD’s attitude towards us in the past, I wouldn’t put it past either one of them to take the key and sling it into the outer beyonds. SO lost his temper and yelled that my BS15 had his own key! He yelled that my BS15 had his own key at 13! I told him then lets wait ‘til SS turns 13 and discuss it then. SO continued to rant and scream that SS SHOULD have a key because HE LIVES WITH US!
I yelled back that SS does NOT live with us – he’s only here part time and I couldn’t trust him with a key – not at that age. I continued on to tell him that the only way I’d be comfortable with SS having a key would be: a) if he moved in with us full time, or b) turned 15 and showed his was responsible. I then said that SS would have a key over my dead body at the age of 11 – either that or SO could get his own damn place and give SS the key to that!
SO continued to yell and scream “WHY CAN’T HE HAVE AKEY!! YOUR SON HAS A KEY!”. After screaming back that my BS15 LIVES WITH US FULL TIME.. we went round and round, because SO kept yelling that SS LIVES HERE TOO!!
BS15 came home halfway through the screaming, turned around and walked right back out the door. He told me that he’s had enough of the fighting and he thinks that this time, SO went too far by continuing to scream at me, when I wanted to walk away and calm down. In the past, BS15 has defended SO when he knows that I’m clearly in the wrong. He is very fond of SO, so gets very hurt when we fight.
Now, all this happened right after our huge fight about Valentines Day (see last blog). Prior to this, SO had been trying to make up for his reaction about what we were doing on VDay. We’d only actually just made up the night before.. then this shitstorm.
Am I wrong in this? Am I just being petty and stupid?
Honestly, it really bugs the hell out of me that he wants to give SS11 a key which would be taken back to BM’s. I told SO that the house is the heart of our relationship and he should be thinking about that. I’m also pissed off that SO isn’t even thinking about teaching SS consequences of losing things, if he lost the key – SO would just go out and buy another set. That does NOT make me feel very secure in my home – knowing that there are multiple copies of keys to OUR home at BM’s home.
I feel like this is going to be the pattern of our relationship and I’m starting to think it’s time I thought about getting out.
He’s not talking to me at the moment – he’s still furious with me. It’s not having any effect on me at the moment because I’m just as furious with him.
Opinions – please!
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Comments
Now that i've had time to
Now that i've had time to calm down, you are absolutely correct. I NEVER should have screamed at him that "SS does NOT live here". He actually does, only part time - but he does live with us, when he is here. So, yep - that was below the belt and I get why he lost it at me for that. My only excuse was, I was in complete defense mode and had my back up. The thought of having our house keys floating around at BM's just triggered a vicious response in me.
Felt like my personal space was being invaded. I also know I don't trust BM or SD not to just throw it out when they realise it's the key to our home. However, having said that, I know BM would NEVER enter my home - it wouldn't even cross her mind so that's not my issue. I never give my housekey to my 11 year old Son when we were living together, but I did give it to him at 13.
I also believe that I lost my temper because I suspected that SO was angry with BM due to her refusing to compromise with his request for the tme swap, and just launched at me - so I reacted accordingly.
Friggin' hell - this is so damned frustrating!
I had a house key from the
I had a house key from the age of about 9 or 10 and would walk home from school and be home alone for an hour or so before my mom got in. Can't remember if I every lost it, I don't think so, and I am always loosing things, even now. However I was not a child of divorce so didn't have the issue of the other parent having key to the house. If you don't trust the BM (is that the real issue rather than not trusting the SS?) then how about getting one of those key lock boxes that have a pin code and putting around the back of the house? (My gran had one when she was living on her own and started to get ill so that if a nurse, neighbor or relative needed to get in when she was either incapacitated inside or in hospital we could just give them the code and they could get a key and enter the house). If you don't think SS is mature enough to be trusted alone in the house then that is another issue, though I believe children only learn to be mature when adults allow them to test their maturity, and being home alone for 45 minutes is a small step to letting him work out how to behave in a mature way. I think you need to work out what it is specifically that makes you uncomfortable about him having a key and focus on how realistic that fear is and then work on minimizing that risk.
This seems a good solution,
This seems a good solution, as long as SS can be relied upon to remember the code and NOT tell it to BM.
The other issue I would have is would BM insist to SS that he has to let her in with him when they get there? Is there a mutual friend/family member/neighbour SS could be dropped off with until your OH could get there at 7.30?
I doubt very much that SS
I doubt very much that SS would allow BM to come in to the house if we're not there..but I can see him letting SD in and that thought drives me crazy.
My BS15 has said he doesn't mind heading home early on the Friday to be there when SS arrives - so this is also a solution.
This was never an issue with
This was never an issue with us just because of logistics but I would not have been comfortable with anyone related to BM having a key to my house, nor would I have been comfortable with SD alone in my house. Not at 11, not at 15, not now at 22.
I see where your SO might be a little offended but....too bad.
Surely BM does not want her son just hanging around the street for 45 minutes? I mean, if Dad's not available at 6:00 due to work, he's not available.
I agree about copies of your house keys floating around BM's, gives me shivers. And let's face it, he's 11, he's going to lose them.
You two do a lot of screaming
You two do a lot of screaming in one week
Next time he's screaming and you would like to walk off and calm down, do so. Let him stand there screaming at air. He can't keep up a fight if you don't entertain him.
Anyway...the key thing. When you two calm down and candiscuss a solution, maybe a possible suggestion would be a key but left at home (hidden inside garage , perhaps left with a very trusted neighbor that would be home). I wouldn't want BM to have access to a key to my house either so I'm with you on that point. However the 'yours is only almost 12, well yours was just 13' really isn't going to get far. Children vary in abilities to be responsible and one child shouldn't be compared to another child.
Also the 'he lives here, oh no he doesn't live here'? This is the child's father. I'm sure he'd like nothing ore than if his son did indeed live with him every day all month. He's a divorced (or whatever) gentleman so of course fulltime is not possible as he must split time with the BM. IMO you hit a 'sore' spot with the 'he doesn't live here' screaming. The guy would like to think his child has a place in his home and you yanked that thought away and stomped on it.
Just my two cents on perhaps areas that may have intensified what should have been a discussion a key and/or how you two were going to be able to work out a 'how does kid get in' conversation. I think you kicked him in the knee cap so to say when you went to the degree you did. I'm sure it wasn't deliberate or meant that way, but it was already a frustrating exchange and it took the comments very personally.
Our fights are definitely
Our fights are definitely getting worse - and louder! I'm at my wits end because usually after all the screaming, we find a way to make up and get over it - but it's definitely getting to the stage where we just don't know how to work it out.
I agree that I hit below the belt with the "he doesn't live here" I was wrong for saying that. We have discussed having SS live here full time, and I told SO that I was all for it - I think it'd be great, but at the moment, SS likes living with his Mom, so we leave it that way for now.
I was trying to get my head around his reaction to me about Valentines Day and he had just managed to get me to forgive him - then the very next thing I knew.. we were at war again. I had a little talk with him before this big blow up and asked if he resented me for skids going to bM's house to live full time.. he told me no, but each and every time we fought, and I told him I didn't feel the love, he wants me to remember that he "chose me over his daughter". I outright told him that was bulshit because he chose to have a life and a partner.. that his thinking in that manner, just made me feel as though I took him away from his kids. He told me he understood that.
How the hell do you maintain a relationship when one is inwardly seething and full of anger? How do you compromise and try to work things out?
BM is a manipulative, selfish
BM is a manipulative, selfish bitch, but she would NEVER dare enter my home. I'd be taken away in handcuffs 'cos I'd probably go into attack mode if she ever did that. I'm not worried about her - I'm worried that - I'm worried about their reaction (BM & SD), when they find out he has a key to my place. I wouldn't put it past them to take the key and throw it off into the sunset - which would result in SO buying him another set.. and the pattern could continue... so we could quite possibly, end up with 3-4 sets of keys to OUR home, at BM's home.
Yup! I was out of line for
Yup! I was out of line for saying that about how SS does NOT live with us. THAT was hurtful and wrong of me. He actually DOES live with us - only part-time..but yeh, that was below the belt, and I feel like shit for saying it.
In my situation, my SS15 has
In my situation, my SS15 has a key to our place, but he also has a key to BF's place. I hate it because I always feel like BF (whom I have a police report filed against) who is not a nice person just hangs out in our house whenever he pleases. I have no security in my own home against this man coming in when no one but SS15 is home. I have no doubt he has mad himself a copy of the key...and because of this I have a copy of BF's key. I keep in buried in my underwear drawer incase he tries to start some shit...but so far I havn't had to.
There is no way to get around this feeling once the key has been placed in the child's hands. You either have to quickly accept that its out of your control or demand that he also carry a key to BM's place. Or just put your foot down if you can and block it all together.
Now, see? That's the kind of
Now, see? That's the kind of response I would've given to my SO, if our situations were reversed.
I'm so sorry for this! But
I'm so sorry for this! But yes, you are being "petty and stupid" as you put it.
Sure, we don't want birth moms on our turf. But you just waged a war with your life partner over a $1.59 key. And you hit low. Very low.
Now that you've taken a deep breath, can you see even a little, how absurd your argument is that a kid isn't responsible enough to possess a house key till age 15? Or rather, HIS kid isn't. That's neither fair nor logical. And I'd bet stems totally from you freaking out that his ex will invade your home.
Give the kid a key. Put it on his backpack (or whatever he brings to your place when he's there.) Tell him if he loses it, he'll have to buy another with his own money. Tell him NO ONE is allowed in the house with him - not friends, not his mom - be clear on this. And then let him learn the valuable life lessons of 1. Earning trust and 2. Demonstrating responsibility. Sorry but this was NOT a hill to die on.
Explain that every time a key
Explain that every time a key is lost the locks will be changed- on his dime...
If it hits DH is the wallet
If it hits DH is the wallet it will work. No way in HELL am I living in a house with lost keys floating around god knows where. Homeowners insurance will not pay if someone breaks in using a key. I meant it and DH knew it, it delayed SS having a key for a few years- DH is the one who explained to SS that now he had shown enough responsibility to have a key he was also responsible for the cost of having the locks changed if anything happened to his key. SS still loses things but treats that key like GOLD.
UPDATE: Thank you everyone
UPDATE: Thank you everyone for responding - you guys have a way of clarifying things for me - I appreciate you for that.
This is the email SO sent BM:
SO: Dropping him off at 5.45-6pm won't work because nobody will be home. You can drop him off 6.30-7pm and someone will be here to let him in. If that's not suitable, then you'll need to keep him INSIDE at your place, and I'll pick him up round 6.30-7pm. This is for SS, safety.
BM: Sure, that's fine - you can pick him up from my place and drop him back at 7pm.. like I said..the other times are not suitable for us.
SO: I will pick him up on Friday 6.30-7pm, and YOU can pick him up on Sunday. That's fair to both of us.
SO blind copied me in so I could read it (we still aren't talking). So, it's been sorted.
Stupid thing from all of this is, we could've held off and waited another year, when SS turns 13, to discuss this - but oh no.. we had to go and have a goddamn war about it. Friggin' pathetic.
It sounds like it all could
It sounds like it all could have been avoided if he and BM could have had communicated better the first time around.
i didnt read many response so
i didnt read many response so if this is something someone else has commented im sorry.
you are not wrong to say ss doesnt live there honey. ss doesnt live there. he visits (ie which is why it is defined in most co as visitation.) and he visits every other weekend. and this depends on how much you trust bm.
my skids never had a key. my girls do but...my ex is not a threat. my kids had keys at 10 (twins) because they came home and was home for 15 minutes prior to me.
personally i think 11 esp a boy is alittle young to be home alone at that time of night for that length of time. now the question is if BS15 has a key can he not be home every other week at 6 or is that an issue.
she says she would drop him between 545 and 6. so lets say she decides this night she will drop him at 525 because she has stuff to do. and lets say your in traffic or held up at work and dont get home til 7. thats to long. look at your state and see what age kids are allowed to be left alone. but you were not wrong. my girls lived with their dad when they were there 12 days a month. now they visit their dad two weekends a month.
these are words spoken by my own children and discussed actually so it is funny you bring that up. my girls see it like you do they dont live with their dad anymore they visit him. visit. outta the mouths of babes
I don't know if anyone else
I don't know if anyone else mentioned it but Lowe's has these great electronic locks/deadbolts. You can activate and inactivate the codes as needed. So SS can have his code but it will only work when he is supposed to be there. No BM sneaking around
http://www.lowes.com/Search=deadbolts+electronic?storeId=10151&langId=-1...!
Never in a million years will
Never in a million years will skids get keys to our house. BM would be all over that.
We have asked her to keep her butt in the car during pick ups and she still comes to the door basically trying to shove her way in and look around. She is "just trying to walk HER children across the street". Sigh. It's not really a street and they are pre teens. They can make it 20 feet to her car all by their precious little selves. DH now takes care of all drop off and pick ups because we don't like her nosing around.
The ONLY time I would give a skid a key is if they are staying with us for an extended time. I've done that for other family members too. They give the key back when the visit its over. It should never find it's way back to BM's hands.