BM wins
Because of my incident with BM Saturday morning, I am now officially the enemy.
The two SKs I was stupid enough to fall in love with just as I did FDH have now decided I'm the enemy. I was so fucking stupid. For over 3 1/2 to 4 years I was the one they came to. Mommy was too busy having her midlife crisis and going out w BF, spending all her money on herself and partying at bars. . All I did was do for them and listen to them bitch about her just as I did their older sister who became PAS'd by Mommy real quick. Then big sis moves out for an ill advised living arrangement with a boyfriend she meets online. Then suddenly BM has time for middle daughter who's never had mommy's attention before. Since engagement in June, I am suddenly a threat, an interloper, a convenience, just Dads fiancé. There is attitude and a gradual withdrawal that finally seemed to hit it its zenith after I attempted a face to face truce with their mother that went south fast.
My heart is in shards today. Because I told BM no. Because we left unintentionally before saying goodbye to FSS after his game (and who we both apologized to). Because FDH left with me. I hear about this: a tweet from FSD15 that says (paraphrasing) "lost all respect for man who raised me because of a bitch he met 5 years ago".
I loved this girl like my own. Everything I did was a waste. Of time. Of energy. Of emotion. Of money. I fucking fell for it. I fell for the goddamn neediness. It is irrelevant and immaterial now. BM has won. I don't have the energy or will to fight any longer. I don't even know if my relationship with FDH will survive. I never wanted a marriage living with two separate families, us and my kids and then him with his kids.I don't know how to tell my kids what's happening. This will hurt them, that statement. On a fucking public place, social goddamn media.
If anyone reads this that is in a relationship with needy step kids, whose mother is the living embodiment of the Golden Uterus and feels that PAS is the father's fault, don't do it. Don't buy into their emotional grasping because you aren't their mother. You will never be their mother and you will reminded of it day in and day out but you won't listen and you'll be there for them and you will never get their loyalty. They will turn on you as soon as BM comes calling. Protect yourself, don't fall into the trap, don't love them and sacrifice for them. You'll hear the bullshit line that someday, oh that magical, rosy SOMEDAY they will realize what you've done for them and how you were there when they demanded it. Someday never comes. It's a fairy tale, an empty promise, a LIE.
You win. You win,BM. Everything I say or do causes a train wreck. Everything is my fault as you insist. You are lily white and perfect. I am the embodiment of your own stepmother and I am going to suffer because your father had to choose her over you and your lunatic sister. Your father said enough was enough and refused to allow the two of you to tell him what to do. He died this summer. He died without you even trying to make contact. And you know who comforted your kids when he was on his deathbed and FDH wanted to make sure they could say goodbye to their terminally ill grandfather. THAT WAS ME.
I have not felt this much pain in years. I think since my parents died several years ago, nine months apart.
But she wins. I concede. I give up. My heart just can't take it anymore. Game over. Fuck them all. Fuck was I thinking.
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Comments
It may seem like she wins but
It may seem like she wins but she hasn't. You are the better person and always will be. She is trash that's not even good enough for birds to poop on or bugs to live in and she will always be that way. When it comes to character, beauty (inside and out), and soul you will always win and she will always lose. (((HUGS)))
I'm going to sound really
I'm going to sound really mean here for a minute, but you need a wake up call.
A TEENAGE girl said something nasty about you on Twitter. So what.
When I was her age, I used to say I hated my Mom and wished she would fucking die. Did I mean it? No. Did I love her? Yes, even when I was mad. Was I am melodramatic, attention seeking, and approval seeking teen?
You betcha.
You need to put on your big girl panties. Seriously??? You think your marriage will end and the skids "no longer love you" because a teenager talked some smack about you?
Come on. She could have been venting, showing off, or seeking Moms approval for her bold statement of alliance with the Mom that YOU KNOW she always sought approval from.
I am sorry- yes teenage girls
I am sorry- yes teenage girls are over dramatic but they still know what they're doing..I don't buy that exscuse (personally) mind you I dont trust people easily- so I have a biased view point.
No one should say that- but it is sad when the skids loyalty belongs to bm even with the PASing, lying etc... I hope your relationship can overcome this at the same token I also get its hard to continue when dhs loyalty remains with skids (that in itself is a double edged sword- its either you or the skids).
Look at it this way ... when
Look at it this way ... when they needed you, you were there for them. So in future you aren't. If my ssons turned on a dime tomorrow and denied my existence I would walk away and say "Well I know I did my best. Time for Mommy Dearest to step up." See they know her limitations but they don't know yours. They will expect you to step up when their mother abandons them again. But you won't because (as you will point out to them) "Sorry, that is not my job. It is your mother's job. Ask her."
They were rude. So you left without saying goodbye to a kid after his game. Boo bloody hoo. The reason was not to add fuel to the unstable fire that is their mother and causing a scene. Did he want you to have a screaming fight with his mother in front of his team? His father should tell him that you being there obviously was causing his mother distress and she looked like she would blow a fuse so you all left so as not to embarrass him.
And she doesn't 'win'. She has a 15 yr old hormonal dramatic teen girl on her side. Well if she wants to deal with that crap day in and day out, good riddance to her. Let her be the mother she should have been all along.
By removing yourself from the equation and not seeing either of the kids for some time or at least not interacting with them in your home then YOU win. The common enemy is you. Remove the common enemy and they will turn on each other.
I'm sorry that you are going
I'm sorry that you are going through this and I hear your pain so clearly. I've been down the same road. A woman who cares and loves another man's children is not wrong. Wanting to have a home that is not divided by his and mine (children) is not wrong either.
I too put my heart out there for DH's children and wanted the best for them like I would want for my own children. Their BM is extremely narcissistic and thinks only of herself. The skids had no routine, were dropped off at GBM's house, which they hated or spent lots of time in daycare (BM doesn't work) or even went to the extreme of leaving them home alone (ages 6,7 and 8).
These skids received no attention from BM. SD was extremely angry and bossy. Middle skid had ADHD and Aspergers (thanks to my help of getting him help and her fighting every step of the way) Little skid- emotionally worried about his BM and had stomach pains. He always worried about where mom was and who she was seeing.
I offered a stable home environment. I did things with SD that a Mom should have done. I provided an organized home and kept a schedule and routine for them. It was all done for the skids. The skids would share how life was at Dad's house and BM did not embrace it well. Instead she fought back and PAS'd the skids.
Many times we were in front of the judge and the judge would tell BM that it was best for her to "forge a relationship with the SM for the sake of the children". Taking the Judges advice, I read books on how to have a cordial relationship with BM. I would extend a hello, sent her emails. BM wanted nothing to do with me and upped the PASing.
The SD is completely PAS'd and no longer comes here (which is fine with me) the SS's are hot and cold. The youngest skid is now the informant for BM so she can continue the games.
I have emotions of anger and sadness. It's changed me. It's formed me into a person that I am not. BM wanted me out of the skids lives and I let her control me.
And now I am taking back the person I was. I've decided to be the person these skids knew me to be. I will not accept disrespect from them but I will act myself around my skids.
Skids will always be loyal to their parents and I wouldn't want anything else, because they are their parent's. But I will be their SM and be apart of "our family" with DH.
With that said, BM does not win.
"I have emotions of anger and
"I have emotions of anger and sadness. It's changed me. It's formed me into a person that I am not. BM wanted me out of the skids lives and I let her control me."
THANK YOU! 100% correct.
I fully accept I fucked up. After 5 years of constant crap and roller coaster shit from the skids as well as admittedly from FDH, I lost my temper. FDH had a monstrous blow out yesterday. He does understand how cruel that tweet was coming from his daughter. He does acknowledge he fucked up too and didnt intervene. He is thoroughly embarrassed and horrified at his daughter saying that about both of us and is furious she even got involved since it had zero to do with her directly. He told me he understands why I am disengaging and feels it necessary for me to do. He is disgusted and angry but he also knows he's helped create the monster.
I'm far from stupid or irrational nor am I a whiner victim looking for sympathy. I appreciate all the viewpoints on here and fully accept that some may be harsh or critical. But everyone, I don't give a shit who you has a breaking point. A moment where enough is enough. I plan on taking back my own life and that of my bio kids. My main goal had been to support my FDH and he has ALWAYS shown me appreciation for it. He's on his own now.
Your Welcome!! I am so happy
Your Welcome!! I am so happy that your DH see's his part in this and that he supports you.
In my situation, DH would say he understood and then did nothing. That's when I disengaged and now I think DH is coming around.
I don't "chase" to have the "perfect blended family" anymore. I focus on my relationship with DH, myself, my family and my home. And if that pisses BM off, then it's an added bonus.
Yes teen girls are teen girls
Yes teen girls are teen girls but only the poor child of divorce would be able to act in such a rude and disrespectful way to any adult! Of course, it has to be the #1 villain of all time, the evil SM.
Your DH needs a swift kick in the gonads.