Marrying a single dad with two kids is hard enough but it sure gets tougher when DH's mother and stepfather keep sticking their noses in our business. I had thought when i married DH that his mom and stedad liked me. I had also thought that my DH and his mother were somewhat close. I would push us to get together with them at their home for dinners and such. His mother would sent me nice birthday cards and was always nice to my face. In the past year we purchased a new home and I was so upset that they made no effort to come by even though they only live about 30 minutes away and come to our town often for work and other events. From what I understand my DH's stepdad has social anxiety but we have noticed over the years that he has no problem going to events that he chooses but he will not come to our home. In the 4 years I have been married to DH, his mother has never called him yet behind our backs complains to the SK's that DH never calls them; they have never visited either place we have lived since we married. For a long time we would go there for holidays and such but in the past year we have decided to sit back and see if they would reach out to us and nothing.
We got tired of constantly inviting them over only to have them say no. I have since learned that DH is not close to his mother and hasn't been since he was 13 and she married her current husband and left my DH with his grandmother to raise him so his mother could go off with her new husband. DH has really opened up lately to me but has never told his mother how he feels.

The final straw was Christmas night when DH called his mother to wish her a Merry Christmas, her husband answered the phone and reamed DH with all sorts of crap. "why don't you ever call your mother, she raised you". DH said it was all her could do to keep his mouth shut and not say "no she didn't, she left me with my grandmother to raise me". His stepdad then went off on DH for the way he handled his daughter (19). She recently quit a free ride to college and had planned on doing nothing but working part time. DH insisted that she work full time and pay rent and she promptly moved in with her BF's family. It's obvious she went running to DH's mom and stepdad to complain about it because his stepdad even knew how much rent DH wanted from her. I was very proud of DH when he told his stepdad "that is the problem with kids these days they want to suck off the tit forever". The last thing his stepdad said to DH before putting his mother on the phone was that DH has his head so far up my ass that he can't see (at least now I know his mother and her husband hate me and think I am to blame for all the woes in their family). His stepdad finally put his mom on the phone and they had a very awkward Merry Christmas conversation. We are positive she heard the way her husband talked to DH before putting her on the phone but she said nothing to DH.

Here is where it gets difficult, his mother has fought and won numerous battles with cancer, we have traveled to hospitals all over our state to be there for her surgeries and treatments, sometimes just to be in the waiting room in support. The last time we saw his mother was at SD's high school graduation, at that time she mentioned she has to get another cancer scan in Dec because they thought they saw something in her but doctors were just watching it for now but she has said nothing about it since (remember, she won't call DH and we have always been the last to know in the past when she had cancer). DH didn't think to ask her about it on Christmas due to the reaming out by his stedad.

I am completely detached from his family, I have my own crazy family to deal with but I worry, what if she does have cancer again and what if she passes? I told DH to do whatever he feels he needs to do to make amends so that god forbid something does happen to her he can live with his choices now but I know after this last round he will not be calling her or visiting. I just would hate for her to pass away and him to have to live with any regrets. DH even mentioned that if she does pass away I am in a no-win situation. If I go to the funeral, his stepdad will make a scene and if i don't go they will all say how horrible I am for not going.

It just amazes me that I have been given the title of family scape goat, I am the reason him and his mom aren't close, I am the reason he is parenting his children the way he is. It is all my fault.

DH has been amazing, telling me not to spend one moment worrying about his crazy stepdad, DH sees that he is a hypocrite, telling us to call and visit when they won't call or visit but it really bothers me that I thought i had a good relationship with my inlaws only to find out that they hate me and blame me for everything.

Ironically SD19 and her bf came for Christmas dinner and we had a wonderful time and both DH and I saw some great changes in her attitude and she seems very happy.