I'm new here - just signed on today. My apologies if my abbreviations or forum etiquette lacks at all - I've never posted on one of these before. I need to know I'm not alone and I'm not nuts and there's hope I can keep my strength. I do think my situation is relatively minor, it's not catastrophic, not the end of the world. But I have mild depression, taking anti anxiety meds, and I have no one to talk to. Majority of my friends and family have little to no experience with what I am going through. I have read multiple posts and feel like many of you may be able to at least reassure me that what I am dealing with is unpleasant and stressful but manageable. That the feelings of dread, resentment, and anger are normal. Not ideal but normal.

I need to give a quick timeline: Married in 95, 3 kids w same man, good guy but very codependent, became roommates and just fell out of love with him, still a good guy who desperately loves his kids, divorced in 2008, my request, no fighting really, didnt have much in assets so pretty quick and amicable. I have custodial guardianship, joint custody, really dont argue about raising of kids, on same page with everything, that's at least a relief. He got remarried, dealt with a stepmom for a while, decent lady but she alienated my kids' entire extended family, demanded I get involved when not my problem, I apologized to her and said I was unable to fulfill her request I deny my kids visits with their grandparents/aunts/uncles, etc and I was suddenly the evil BM. Lots of problems after that and she totally turned on my kids, I got involved, went off on my ex since he was a milque toast and allowed her to treat kids that way. They eventually broke up due to multiple reasons (money was big part of it - nothing to do with child support though) and my DS16 still after nearly a year cant say her name without venom dripping from his lips. I was actually rather sad about the whole thing. I wanted her to get along w my kids because I truly believe the happier my ex is, the happier my kids will be, esp with a loving stepmom to help. I am not the kind of BM to want my ex miserable and I am not threatened by my kids loving a second mom. I am very very close with my DS16, DD13, and DD7. I'm not perfect, I did feel a little jealousy but that's too bad for me. I want my kids happy and secure. As long as a SM is good to them, I'm good.

So that side is relatively drama free now. Kids good, close to their dad even though he's still a bit of an airhead at times. They also have a great extended family on ex's side I am grateful for as my brothers and their families live out of state. My insanity and pain comes from the growing pains of dealing with a SO, his SK's, and their narcissistic, selfish, stupid BM. (And when I say stupid, I mean she's a moron. I mean literally dumb as a rock.)

Sorry, back to timeline. Met my SO (there's no abbreviation I guess for fiance and boyfriend sounds too casual for what he is to me right now - he's pretty much my husband without the paper yet ) in March 2009. We met on Match.com, went out as friends a week later and been together ever since. I love him more than I can say and he is very loving, supportive, and, as odd as this sounds: CAPABLE. He is a go-getter, a do-er and someone who actively tries to make our life better and fun. He's not someone who likes to watch life go back. He is truly a gift from God. When I met him he was separated for a year and going through the divorce from BM. She wanted it, he tried fighting it for a few months more to keep family together, when she told their middle child she was asking for a divorce on a DISNEY VACATION while he was still trying to glue it back together my SO said game over and agreed to divorce. The divorce was a long pain in the butt, drawn out, ambulance chaser lawyer on her end, finally ended in Feb 2010. My SO originally asked her not to date until divorce final to avoid upsetting kids (two girls, 1 boy)but she ended up shaking up with a guy a few months after she agreed. My SO found digital camera pics of her with the guy, confronted her, coward hid behind her son and finally admitted it, and my SO said fine, go f yourself I dont owe you anything. This was shortly before we met.

We had both agreed early on that if our kids didnt get along with either one of us or each other, it was a done deal. I used to work retail and knew a lot of teens who hated their steps. Now I'm not naive or stupid and I listened closely to WHY before making any kind of opinion. To me, actions speak louder than words. I know what makes a good parent/person/friend for my kids. In any case, we are both close to our kids and didnt want them to feel neglected. We are both very blessed in that, at least in the beginning, our kids got along fantastic with both of us and each other. In fact, to this day, all the kids love each other and get along great. Sure, they fight like normal sibs but my 3 and 2 of his 3 (SD15 and SS12) are very close. We do a lot as a family, love to hike, go to movies, take vacations, play games, go sledding, etc).

The oldest SK (SD19) was fine in beginning but she cant be friends with both parents at same time. She either loves mommy and Dad's an a-hole or vice versa. Been through quite a bit with her including threat of suicide, short hospitalization, therapy, ADD diagnosis, nearly flunking high school, laundry list of boyfriends, blowups with me over her disrespect of her father in front of me which I wont tolerate, and her manipulation of family members trying to paint herself as a victim and her father and me as evil. No relationship with her except when she needs money from her father which right now is reduced to money in her college fund strictly earmarked for tuition. He wont give her a penny more since she treats him like he's dog crap.

From the beginning I have tried to be a good "dad's gf" to the kids. I spend time, money, emotion, even to the extent that there have been times I have allowed my own kids to be, not shoved aside, but not priority one, you know what I mean? And my kids have ALWAYS been amazing about it. For example, I work near where my SD15 goes to high school and went to every home volleyball game after work since my SO couldnt go due to his work carpool (we live like 20 miles from his ex and the kids). My kids obviously were on their own at home when I did that if my SO had a class (nearly done with his bachelor's of science). They NEVER ONCE COMPLAINED. We go to my SS12's basketball games every single weekend without fail. They never complain. They share their toys, computers, video games, pets, our house, etc. and even are bummed when one or both of the SK's are missing for an event or weekend. They are very supportive and loving of SS12 and SD15. My kids are wonderful Christians and no, they arent perfect, trust me, I'm not one of those moms lol but they really are gifts from God and make my life SO much easier.

The BM is the one I am having hear palpitations about. And yes, I know that after I tell you about her and my relationship, many of you will tell me I'm an idiot. I should just let it go. "Dont let her get to you." "Dont give her a thought." "My BM situation is worse." "What are you whining for?"

She and I were tenuous in beginning. No real relationship except here was where everything was very different in my case: because their divorce was pending and the house needed to be sold, my SO and his ex both lived in the house with the kids ON OPPOSITE WEEKS. So SKs stayed in house full time but he would be w them one week and then go to his parents while she lived there the next week, etc. They only interacted face to face on Fridays really. Her other weeks she was originally staying w a divorced gfriend until she shacked up with boyfriend that no one but SD19 knew about because she is treated like her mother's friend not her daughter. A lot of inappropriate and negative things were told to her by her mother before during and after divorce. Terrific.

BM's boyfriend frankly is just kind of... there. He's okay. Sort of a big Doofus (my SO's nickname for her). He just exists really. He drinks a lot and does really stupid shit when he does. He's not abusive or anything just a big moron. We deal with him. He's fine to the kids but nowhere near the kind of "step" I have been and continue to be (stupid me, huh). He stays mostly out of the coparenting only cause frankly, I dont think he cares but he does believe all the bs BM whines at him. He's had conversations w my SO and they generally get along. They havent had a blow up so far although yes there are a few isolated times I dont see why my SO didnt put him in his place. Whatever.

She is jealous of me, I can tell. Like I said, actions speak louder than words. She is one of those BMs who doesnt want SO but doesnt want anyone else to have him. Doesnt want to see him move on and be happy, in fact HAPPIER than he was with her. She definitely is narcissistic, has many traits of a narcissistic personality disorder but I wont armchair diagnose her, and MOST ASSUREDLY IS A GOLDEN UTERUS. She hates that 2 of her 3 kids get along with me, talk to me, and even share private things with me. She flipped out on my SO when we got engaged but of course didnt directly address why she was flipping out. She has never acknowledged my children except to bitch about them for whatever reason. She actually sat next to my youngest girl (who was on SD 19's lap) on her 5th birthday at her son's basketball game and couldnt even wish the girl a Happy Birthday. Pathetic. Grow up. She likes to make promises to her kid or to SO and doesnt follow through. When she's called out, she has convenient memory loss of promising in first place. She never looks me in the face or the eye. I have zero problem doing that. I am not intimidated by her at all.

So why am I upset? Why do I literally have a visceral reaction when her name is said or she is mentioned by anyone at all, my SO, his kids, his family, anyone? I've never liked her. She went through a mid life crisis during divorce and it was all about her. Many times it still is but she's somewhat better as a parent. Part of it? I feel like I also have been conditioned to hate her. I had to hear the venting about her and her bs from my SO AND EVEN THE TWO YOUNGER SKs. I saw a lot and dealt with gluing everyone back together. She and my SO would fight and trust me, he's not a wuss. He will tell her where to go. For a long time her communication sucked and she was constantly manipulating as a golden uterus will. She and I have had it out openly twice so far. Once was last November when I finally snapped and we got into one hell of a texting war. She told me my SO wouldnt marry me because we fight. I said no, it's cause I didnt know if I wanted to be stuck with a c**t like her the rest of my life. The rocket scientist tells her son what I said yet conveniently gave no context or showed him texts. So of course SS is in hysterics about how mean I am to his mother. SO gets on phone with her and rips her apart for that and also tells her she had no business saying to SS that we werent a family. She denies this, we have text proof, she goes quiet. This is a frequent occurrence. Not hard to prove she's an idiot.

I am a straight shooter. I dont like secrets and dont think they are necessary. I dont go swearing about BM as principle but have I? Hell yes and I defy any SM who says they havent at one time lost it and said something they really shouldnt have in front of SKs. Anything I say to that woman or about her, I will say to her face. I dont talk about you behind your back. If I think youre wrong, I will tell you. I will try to tactfully of course. And if you think I'm an idiot, fine, no problem, tell me that. But you make an accusation? You better be able to rationally and reasonably back it up. I want examples and reasons, that's all. I do my damnedest to give others that consideration as well. The second time I attempted (stupid me again) to follow the "advice" I read online and try to talk to her about a truce. I talked to her openly in front of my SO, the Doofus, and SS12 and SD15 (why the kids you ask? Because i wanted no misunderstandings, no twisting of my words as she likes to do). Well, it was a total clusterf***. She got on her golden uterus high horse. Everything is my fault. Yep, she actually used those words and get this, DOOFUS put his two cents in too, stating however he never gets involved. So I flat out asked him if he never does, then why insert himself in conversation now? No answer just a looking away. Uh huh. I ask straight, direct questions. Majority of them went unanswered, given vague replies, or suddenly whatever was out of the windshield was riveting (they were in her car when she came to pick up kids and SO and I were standing next to car in my driveway). Why did I do it? So I can say I tried. I attempted a truce and to stop the bs.

My anger stems from something I know I am foolish to expect to ever receive. I think I deserve acknowledgement. I dont want or need her approval. She can kiss my butt over that. But it's simple human decency to acknowledge someone who is helping to raise your kids. My SO had a long talk with her after the last face to face in my driveway. She had started her whining at him which she has done before. She's too cowardly to face me and take me on directly so she whines to him on the phone or when he has to pick up kids and expects him to back HER. He's like, yeah, no. He told her I was trying to ask for a truce but she and the Doofus started whining about other things. He told her flat out that whether she likes it or not, I am an important part of the SKs lives and am helping him to coparent. We are a team and that's how it's going to work. He is respectful of Doofus as well. Anyway they had a long talk, she mostly was quiet or defensive. I could take a damn bullet for those kids and she'd say nothing.

I am going crazy. My apologies for the long drawn out story but I need so badly to talk to someone, ANYONE, that might understand what I am dealing with. Yes, I knew full well SO had kids and he knew I did. Again, no secrets. 2 of my kids are even technically special needs, my son has autistic spectrum (PDD NOS) and my middle daughter has mild ADD.

I'm crazy because I am resentful of latest developments over last month or so. Suddenly after the confrontation in the driveway a month or two ago (and this was result of my texting war last year for a few months) she's all nicey nice to SO. She is better at communication and suddenly all chatty to him. She agrees suddenly with everything he says about SD19 when before she fought him tooth and nail about her precious baby and made excuse after excuse (SD19 wants to shack up w latest bf she just started dating in August and transfer community colleges). She's now repaired her relationship w SD15 who was pretty much ignored even belittled when SD19 lived with her (SD19 moved out to live w bf of the moment Sept 2012, he kicked her out literally in middle of night when he found out, we think, she was picking up other guys online, and she moved in w SMIL/SFIL (my SO's parents) who she uses as a free hotel but since SMIL enables her and makes excuses, what do you expect). So now that BM's buddy is gone and Doofus refuses to let her move back in due to her constant drama (kid is 19, never had a real job or one that even lasted past 6 months and average dating time is 4 months), SD15 is thrilled because she's starved for mommy's attention. I think it's pathetic that kid is even in that position. SS12 is the baby, the only boy, and mommy's pet which is ironic considering he treats her alternately like crap or snuggling up to her. Gag. Yes, both situations drive my SO crazy.

I hate BM. I can honestly say for the first time in my life (and I'm about to turn 40 next spring) I hate someone. I am resentful that I am always there. Always a part of my SKs lives and I often feel like just once, just once is it too much to freaking ask that they say to their mother: look, we know you dont like her, that's between you, she's cool to us. Just ONCE.

I recently discovered disengagement. Problem is that it's not always working. My kids dont disengage and they dont understand why I do or if I try. It's also not my nature. I like to help. I like to give. I am not asking to have my ass kissed. Far from it, that stuff embarrasses and pisses me off. I just want for once for the SKs to openly support ME. I listen to them vent about their moron mother but I dont get an opinion. Finally snapped on that little thing weekend before last when SD15 and I got into it. Suddenly I'm the bad guy because she and her brother and father wanna whine about BM but when I say something, I'm a bitch. In my own house? No way, kid, not happening. Then, here's an irony, I leave the room to prevent a total meltdown because if I let loose, it's over, and just disconnect as much as possible rest of weekend, and I hear later from SO on his visitation night (the following Wed) that SD15 is all concerned because she thinks I might still be angry and she hasnt heard from me via text or anything. I didnt care at that point.

I'm so sorry about how long this novel is now. My mom was my best friend and she's gone. She passed away years ago and she was the only one I could really talk or vent to. My SO is wonderful and trying hard but of course he feels in the middle. And of course, as you all know, stepparents need to deal, dont we? Because after all, its the KIDS that are most important and someday, oh, someday they'll see how great a step you were! Be patient! Be quiet! Suck it up! I feel like I'm going to explode. I dont know what to do. And the irony is, this venting was triggered today by the stupidest most asinine thing ever. You ready? BM helped SS12 set up a Facebook page yesterday. He never sent me a friend request yet sent one to his former neighbor lady. I'm like are you joking? I vent to SO and his excuse his well, BM helped him set up page so what do you expect, he's not going to try and friend you with her right there. My response? Oh, of course it'd be too much for the kid I've known and helped you with for the last 4 1/2 yrs (5 in March) to actually just say to his mom I want to friend SM. Yep, I'm such an unreasonable bitch.

I'm sorry... I just feel so tired and worn out and frustrated. I dont want to have to disengage totally but I may have no choice. I have no respect for BM and absolutely dont trust her. I also feel a little bit betrayed. Yes, completely 100% selfish, I know, SO and the BM should be able to coparent with civility. Problem is, I know this is a triumph for her. SO happy to have drama behind him so he doesnt understand my animosity. See, to me, leopards dont change spots suddenly. Can someone reform and stop being a jerk? Sure, but it takes TIME not suddenly overnight.

Tired of feeling like a nothing but I know, I know, it's just me. My SO and even 2 of the SKs dont see me as nothing. Dont know what to do to stop feeling this way though.