A week later - Step Son says he HATES it in our home but wants to stay
My husband finally went to his son who has been basically passive aggressivly harassing me for over 3.5 years now and said if you don't like it here than you can move in with mom full time. Now, this passive aggressive stuff was addressed over a period of 1.5 years in counseling but he stopped going to the counselor last spring. For some reason, which he can't explain, but which we link to behavior with his mother, he started doing the passive aggressive stuff again. Things like: leaving all the toilet seats up in house, putting dishes and glasses sideways in dishwasher, opening up water bottles and taking one sip and leaving them all over the place, turning signs upside down, eating before everyone sits down at table because he knows we tell everyone to wait, and his latest of course, putting poo on a personal item of mine. Actually, I find the poo act completely the act of a sick kid. The counselor told us not to confront him about the poo act but focus on all the stuff dad saw directly and tell him it has to stop if he wants to live there anymroe. When his dad asked why he was doing what he was doing? What have I done to upset him? He said "nothing - same as the beginning - I just hate her". So basically I can't win. No matter how much I ignore, keep busy, avoid, disengage and after 2 years of my going to a counselor for help and advice "it is a no win".
So He tells dad "I don't want to leave" because he loves his daddy. Of course now kissing daddy's butt and playing emotional cards with him. Basically, this kid has been attached at the hip to his mom and is 100% loyal to her and has learned that my husband is the "bread" man. Also, we keep his ability to stay enrolled in the current high school So it's not about love, it's about not changing schools.
This young man has no intention of ever being nice to us and will only pretend to for a while and then act up again. IT IS an established pattern. I want him out. Gone. He lost his right to live with us. I have never seen such an angry mean kid and he clearly would benefit from living with mom. SO GO!!! Mom has been alientating, poking, coaching this kid for over 6 years now and wants to say "I won" "My son prefers my new family" when he actually tells us he doesn't like it over there either. Hates his step sisters and doesn't trust his step-dad but they leave him alone. That's the difference. Apparently I am to have no voice, nor basically even barely breathe around the kid. I am done changing myself to accomodate him. This kid needs out! There are 5 other people in the house that are happy, thriving & deserve a good life without all the drama.
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Comments
Well he is in big kiss but
Well he is in big kiss but mode right now. It is only a matter of time that he will slip again. Thanks for the lock advice. it is difficult with cats to often lock rooms cause they are under beds and stuff. I say "bye".
I don't understand why a
I don't understand why a licensed professional doesn't feel the poo incident should be addressed. That's not a normal thing for a kid to do just because he doesn't like someone. I would hate to see what he choses to do when these behaviors escalate. If he wants to focus on what you husband saw for himself, does that mean your husband doesn't believe his son purposely did this to you?
No. You are not in a pissy
No. You are not in a pissy mood. I agree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What he did is fkn disgusting and disturbing.
I agree Notsam and thank
I agree Notsam and thank you!!! This is indeed a line that has been crossed.
sounds like we have similar
sounds like we have similar kid but not same kid of course. Isn't it terrible!!!!
Thank you whimsey!!!((((thank
Thank you whimsey!!!((((thank you))))
I don't deserve this. I am a good good person. I have been kind. I have tried everything. This is blind hate from a very troubled and angry kid who has made me a target.
No, we all know he did it.
No, we all know he did it. Counselor said if we bring it up that he will deny it, and we can't 100% prove it was him, and he will use that against us to say we are horrible for accusing him of that. We know he did it. Without a doubt. There was a similar incident 2 years ago that went without blame.
I think it is extremely abnormal and I agree when does it stop?
That is just it. There is no escalation right now. Nothing being done to him. He says he wants to be left alone but nothing is happening. This young man is emotionally, socially and behaviorally off. He can related to his own peer group. Can function in school and his part-time job by NOT TALKING. His boss commented on how quiet he is. He does not make new friends. Same friends from 10 years ago. In our home he has his own room. His expectations are very limited. He plays video games 24/7. During his time with counselor the focus was having some expectations. He referred to my expectations of putting your dish away, putting down the toilet seat, waiting for everyone to sit down at the table before eating - to be my RULES. He has not stopped harping on MY RULES still to this day and fighting them although there are no new rules. I gave up and have been letting his dad handle it. I ignore the passive aggressive stuff. STILL - doesn't matter. This kid has been made to feel by his mother and grandmother that it is OKAY to harm me. The kid needs to go live with mom.
Yes whimsy. My husband is
Yes whimsy. My husband is sad but not pro-active. He lets things slide to his detriment. He know that he has screwed up and not spoken up and talked to his son what was required to save his relationship 2 years ago. BUT, out of fairness to him he had both his x-wife and HIS mother join forces as soon as I moved in (two woman that HATED each other) ( a grandmother that told a 10 year old young man that his mother cheated on her husband and had an affair for months with her best friend's husband) and basically - this kid was already "off" and socially awkward before the divorce and has the emotional maturity of a 8 year old.
A monster created by his mom & GM you are RIGHT ON!!! A combination of alienation and so many manipulativie strategies becuz his mom is so insecure.
I tried SO HARD to walk into this house and forget whatever things people did and move on. The x-wife harassed me and had ZERO boundaries and when we finally got her off our property she enlisted her son to continue the harassment.
Example: If mom sees me dropping her daughter at practice - SHE ACTS OUT TERRIBLE. If the daughter says "I like my step mom" there would be HELL TO PAY.
She is a fruit. Amen!
Dad needs to call his
Dad needs to call his bluff.
My DH did this with SS and it worked wonders. BM was always pumping his head with all kinds of crap about what a bad Dad DH was, how mean I am, how life would be better with her, etc, etc. The fact is that BM is a loser, pays no child support, abandoned SS for 7 years and is generally a miserable person, trying to make herself feel better by getting SS all worked up.
Anyway, after one of SS's visits with BM - the one in which BM told SS that DH will not love SS once our new baby was born - DH asked (during a fight) if SS wanted to go live with his mom. SS said, "I don't know". DH said, "Well, if you don't know, then I'll decide for you, pack your stuff."
Then DH proceeded to put every one of SS13's belongings into trash bags and threw them in the back of the truck. We all got in the car and drove an hour back to BM's house.
DH knocked on BM's door and said that SS was here to stay. Since she likes to fill his head with garbage and how DH is a bad father, then she can take her turn to raise him. The first thing out of her mouth was, "that's fine, I'll go file for child support in the morning."
There was arguing, BM even brought me into it but ultimately BM told SS to put his stuff back in his Dad's truck and go home with his Father. She said that her and SS just wanted to spend more time together. DH said that was fine. He could go visit again next weekend.
Later that week, DH told BM that she was welcome to come get him anytime. She said she'd only come if DH met him half way. DH said no.
SS was privy to all of these conversations and he clearly got the message about his mom.
and his latest of course,
and his latest of course, putting poo on a personal item of mine.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
UMMMM...you seem so calm about this. I would flip my shit. AND..I would not live with anyone that would do this to me.
Hi Willow, Oh boy!!! I
Hi Willow, Oh boy!!! I sound calm but I am so done. The poop was the final straw. And this kid thinks he is so in charge and can kiss his way out of this one. I told my husband I am not letting this go. That the poop crossed the line and I want him out. He agrees. I have the feeling the next couple of weeks will be a whirliwind!!!!!
God, what an awful situation!
God, what an awful situation! I am so sorry you have to deal with this crap. Outrageous!
I would be packing your SS's things and throwing him out.
In circumstances as dire as these, I SINCERELY believe that boarding school is the answer. This is a kid who is being totally destroyed by having too much power. He needs structure, discipline, and expectations he will have to TRY to rise up to. Also, TONS of therapy, individual and group, with a different therapist. His current one seems useless.
None of those interventions can be provided at home.
You could find an educational consultant in your area and have him/her search high and low for a tough-love school. There are wilderness programs out there that could help too.
Someone on this site once recommended parents look into boarding schools in India, which are affordable, unlike the posh and pricey ones in New England. I LOVE that idea. I have seriously looked into them for my own kids. But that's another story.
How does your SS do in school? Does he have behaviors that bother his teachers?
Could school be roped into doing some interventions?
boarding school idea I like.
boarding school idea I like. don't know if it can be afforded. His mother doesn't use the $1500 a month child support to buy the kid even a sock. He gets NOTHING!!!! We had to buy all my step daughter's clothing. Her new husband makes about $120k a year. She married her best friend's husband and started dating him about 6 months before my husband found out. BUT, can't seem to find any money to use the child support on the kids.
All around. This kid is a casualty of the divorce. SAD!!! BUT I am on E. I gave it all. Gone to my own counselor that specializes in teens.
I want him OUT!!! I want to be FREE!!! We all deserve it.
My husband said he has made
My husband said he has made his decision and HE IS GONE. Let's see now????? Will he follow through??????? I know this is war for me. I am done with the compassion and love and taking the abuse. I want him out.
He hate this house and me and he can leave. I am harmless. I am kind. I buy him valentines boxes of candy. I am a TEACHER - I worked with troubled kids for 2 years. I went to a Catholic college and have two master's degrees. One doesn't count in the nice department cause it's a business degree. BUT, the other degree I student taught with children. I had two years of troubled teen and two years of one to one children that embraced me. They went from angry children that I had to restrain to children that hugged me. SCREW THIS!!! God just put upon me the WORST step son in the whole wide world. The lesson here is that I AM NOT RESsponsible for another person's opinion, behavior or can I control the influences on him. HE is emotionally, socially an issue.
Done beating myself up and I have a wonderful step daughter that I HAVE MADE a difference in her life and I have two fantastic kids of my own and this step son has done everything to ruin our good times. Everything from telling my husband he HATES my friends who are lovely people and HATES my family who only wanted to love this kid. He has to be thrown out and he can have his mommy & LEARN. Don't treat the people that care for you with disrespect and love and disloyalty.
I have been so good to this kid. 3.5 years that I could have been putting my energy into other things.!!!!