This is not about parents or step-parents disengaging. This is about a child who was alientated and poisoned by two adult woman in his life at a tender age of 12. This poor kid has been placed in the MIDDLE and is so confused at this point he can't get out of the middle. This young man now needs to make this choice. The choice was that he stop doing all the disruptive and passive aggresvie behavior that included putting sh%t on my personal belongings if he wanted to stay. This young man has been treated VERY WELL!!! HE is very much loved but is so trapped in the MIDDLE that he is suffering and unhappy. He has stated repeatedly for over 3 years he wants to live with BM and is unhappy with us. We fought for him. We changed, talked, listened and counseling, etc. YES, sometimes it is the best choice to love someone enough to set them free. That is not only being a good parent but feeling such a loss that is unimaginable when you are a kind loving person. DH is a kind loving person and your post does not belong on a support site for people struggling with making big decisions about people they love. This kid is old enough now to make a choice and this happens quite often. So if you know anyone in your life that is insecure as a BM, and not supporting their co-parenting agreement by promoting positive support to the person they are working with I strongly suggest you speak to that parent and point out their ways. Every child should be encouraged to love all the parents and step-parents in their lives. This isn't supposed to be a tug of war for a kid. Also, a kid shouldn't be used as a weapon against someone's ex=spouse to try to destroy their new relationship. By FAR this was no CHOICE! If there were a choice to be made it would be that we get full-custody and let this kid live in peace. Any mother that rips a kid apart because she wants to use the kid to pressure his father into making a choice between his new wife and him is the one forcing the choice here. Kids should be encouraged to be happy in BOTH HOMES and when one co-parent has not respect or boundaries for the other co-parent this tears a kid apart. No child should have to choose who they love. I suggest since you are new to the site that you start reading the stories on this site and really exercising some compassion and non-judgement for people. We just freed this young man!!!!! We hope he comes back - but we just pulled him out of the middle.

p.s. DH is FAR from disengaged!!!! FAR!!!!!
Someday the kids will look back and see what an emotional mess BM is. That her marriage is hanging by a thread and her new husband never stopped being a player. Hang onto your son and keep him emotionally cripped for life. Make sure they don't love anyone but BM. Sad sad BM. So sad. A woman that knows she made some bad choices in her life and her son is still paying for them. Someday hopefully she will see that jealousy, insecurity (both emotional and financial) are her driving forces here. Someday maybe BM will find peace & just do the right things. When she is ready then maybe the response from other people will be different. When she can be respectful & keep boundaries and stop calling her ex-MIL to keep the fire burning - then maybe peace will happen.

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At this point where this goes is in this young man's hands. May we all pray he turns out well. May he be able see what is real - and what is best for him but also realize that although he is a teen and so caught up in his own feelings that other people have feelings too. Someday I hope he is able to unconditionally love someone that can help him on the road to empathy & compassion for all (not just himself). But that may just be too much to expect of such a young man. May he realize that he can put adult matters aside and tell any adult that won't allow him to do this to STOP and just love everyone. Idealistic but I can still hope.