I don't want BM in my home.
DH and I have been married 7 years, together for 13. BM used to be very volatile and intrude on our lives, basically making it a living hell for many years. We even split up once over her because she "demanded" that I not be around the SKids and DH (then BF) kowtowed to her and seemed to think in his pea brain that we could "date in secret". Um, how about HELL NO.
So over the years she has assaulted me once with a punch in the face, assaulted DH more times than I can count, called the cops, had screaming fits, raged by text for hours on end, called me every name in the book, threatened to kidnap the kids and move away... you name it, she's done it pretty much. Last blow up was in Feb when she texted me calling me every horrible thing you could think of because she misunderstood something I said because she didn't know the meaning of a word I used. Since then she's had some minor issues with DH, but nothing major. DH likes to act like each tome she's been ok for about a week that everything is magically better and she now sees the light. Each time. He never learns, and I'm the bad guy because I "never give people second chances". (It's not a "second" chance if its the 1,467th time they've done it!!!)
The SKids live with us full time, and see BM EOWE. The SKids are all late teens/early 20's. Lately they have invited her in to get things, gather belongings, etc. The quick visits end up being longer and longer. Last night she was here for a half hour picking out outfits with SD.
I don;t want to be nasty, but I don't. want. this. woman. in. my. home. PERIOD. But I also don't want the SKids to feel like I'm being the aggressor and telling their precious BM she's not welcome. And DH is gonna blow.
Anyone navigated this?
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Ugh. I worry that BM will try
Ugh. I worry that BM will try to weasel her way into this house too. I have no advice, just sympathy - no way in hell that bitch should be in your home!
And DH is gonna
And DH is gonna blow.
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Um, how about YOU blow?!
This woman is abusive, harassing and violent towards you. Doesn't matter what she has or hasn't done to DH/skids because the decision whether DH engages with BM or not is HIS choice (foolish or not, its on HIS head).
You need to sit DH's arse down and have a calm chat. Personally I would not give a dickie bird whether DH would "blow" as heaven would boil before I allowed this situation to even happen but at the least continue.
I would make it clear to DH, that if he wants to remain with you that he has a choice to make. BM or you. If he wants to "give BM a second, millionth chance" then that's his decision however you do not want to hear about the fallout, you do not want these chances to involve you, your finances or your home. You are done being the person who gets walked over by everyone (including DH who imo is emotionally blackmailing you into silence). That you have EVERY right to protect yourself and as you can only judge individuals on how they have behaved and specifically treated you then that's exactly what you will do.
So from now on, if skids want to interact with BM then they can do so at her home or outside of your home. BM is not to come in whether you are there or not. If this rule is not respected then DH can leave. You will not put yourself in a position where BM during her sane moments uses those moments to her advantage, and you have to endure her. As DH's ex, you do not have to have anything to do with her and in fact should she ever ring/text you in the future being harassing/violent/threatening then you will ring the police and get a RO against her. These are your choices and as your DH, he needs to respect and enforce them.
I can't tell you how many times my own DH tried to force his poor choices onto me, in order for a quiet life. This is exactly what your DH is doing. BM is an emotional terrorist and your DH capitulates to her from fear, fear if he doesn't what her reaction will be. I tried every avenue possible for him to see I had every right to reasonably protect myself. Did. Not. Work.
So eventually I had the above chat I am suggesting you have. Trouble was, poor ole DH was not able to manipulate out of the fact I agreed, HE was entitled to make his own decisions and while I may not agree with them, I certainly would respect those decisions. Same would therefore be applicable to me.
DH's mouth just fell open when I said this because there was nothing he could do. Oh he did threaten to leave, so I told him I would pack for him but if he was going, he would leaving immediately not dragging the blackmail out. He also said he would allow whoever he wanted into our house - again I told him he could try however unless he wanted me to ring the police (and I looked him straight in the eye and meant every word) then HE wouldn't cause a scene.
Right now, you are being blackmailed into being walked over but you do have a choice. If DH reacts badly to your chat, then you do not have to engage and can walk away. I always did this to ensure DH got the message I was not prepared to negotiate or discuss the topic being talked about, nor would I talk to my partner who was acting insane until he started acting reasonably and like MY husband.
Your DH has to recognise he has responsibilities towards you, as his wife, and one of those was to protect you. He is failing and you are failing yourself by allowing this farce to continue.
JIMPO.
Why did this woman start
Why did this woman start entering your home to begin with. She has no business in your house. At age late teen/early 20s, a skid does not need 'help' picking out outfits from a closet...they can play 'dress-up/try-on when they get to her house.
So DH is allowing her in so BM doesn't whop on him/you and doesn't harass you? That's ridiculous. If the lady lays a hand on either of you, get a restraining order. If she tosses a scene in your home because you refused admittance, call the police on her. These are not little kids anymore, there is little to no reason this woman needs to be in constant contact nor be entering your home. DH should speak to his kids about boundaries and respecting the privacy of your home. They need to stop inviting BM in.
DH doesn't necessarily think
DH doesn't necessarily think I'm wrong on my stance on this, he just doesn't want to stir the pot and cause problems because it's been relatively quiet since February. He just wants me to suck it up until the SKids are grown and gone. That could be years.
She drops kids off maybe once a month, and I'm fine with that. It's only a couple times a year that she would come in. I am shocked she feels welcome to without invitation.
I don't want things to be confrontational, I just don't want her in my home unless I invite her there. Which would be....um, never.
DH doesn't get to make these
DH doesn't get to make these decisions by himself. If he wanted a stepford wife then he should have gotten himself a robot.
I agree with many others.
I agree with many others. Never let her in your home. Your home is your sanctuary and castle. I would/will never let BM in my house. Ever. We live in a different state and if she brought SD to visit, BM would have to find a hotel. No way in hell.
THIS ^^^ I agree with sitting
THIS ^^^ I agree with sitting them all down and explaining to them why you do not want BM stepping foot inside your home!! Come from an angle of 'respect', all you are asking of them is RESPECT! That is NOT an unreasonable thing to ask for in your own home.
I doubt I will EVVVVVEEERRRRR!!! let BM into my home! Even when SD is a grown woman, BM has lied about all our interactions, she has accused my son's (9 and 7) of being capable of sexually assaulting SD, I DO NOT TRUST HER! I do not put it past her to either plant something in my house then call the cops, start a conflict then blame us, etc etc etc. I will never give her the opportunity. Even if she didn't do those things, it will feel like she's pissing on MY territory, making a show of the fact that I have no safe place from her etc, I assume your BM is doing it for these reasons
your DH and SK's should not be putting you in this position!
Tell DH that his XW is not
Tell DH that his XW is not allowed in your home and if she comes in she will be arrested. Then call the cops next time she is in your home.
Let her know that she is taking her life in her hands because you will defend your home from intruders and she is an intruder.
Pretty simple. Just put your foot down and bring the consequences for BMs actions down on her head like a ton of shit in a 10lb bag.
IMHO of course.
I don't have any advice other
I don't have any advice other than what others have already given you. I'm dealing with a psycho swamp hole and a DH in denial. But I'm so glad I'm not alone and that there must be a swamp hole infestation happening. Why are these idiots so interested in our homes and lives?
They just need to mind their own business and get on with their lives.