How to establish/enforce boundaries during a crisis?
It's only been a couple of weeks since BM's DH was murdered. I can't imagine what she's going through. She has 4 kids (4 different dads) her youngest is 2 and it was his father who was murdered. They have a suspect in the murder, but he's still at large.
I know this is an awful time for her. I get that, I do. But she is really overstepping her boundaries. Not that there were many to begin with. Lately she's been calling DH at night crying hysterically and telling him how devastated "SS6" is about this whole thing. How he's not sleeping, eating, etc. And how "SS6" doesn't know what he's going to do. She calls at 11pm! DH asks to speak to SS6 and BM responds, it's 11 at night he's sleeping. Ok, then BM, why the heck are you calling?
When DH calls during the day to try and speak with SS6, BM never answers the phone. When we had him last weekend, he was of course sad, but I don't think he understands the magnitude of the whole situation. Her husband was in and out of their lives anyway. So SS6 doesn't seem too affected by his absence. DH spoke with his teacher and his teacher said he's doing great. His behavior has actually improved. DH wants to put him in counseling, but BM says he doesn't need it. W....T....F???
I think these phone calls are about BM and not SS6. How can DH handle this without seeming cruel?
- bellladonna's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
He can tell her that he can't
He can tell her that he can't even imagine what she's going thru, he would be devastated if he lost you and he's sorry for her lose. He can offer to keep SS6 until things settle down but its inappropriate for her to call him at 11pm
He offered to take him
He offered to take him (without consulting me first) but she didn't think it was a good idea. We live 2.5 hours away and he would have to change schools, he would be away from his siblings, grandma, and friends. It would really disrupt his life. That's the only thing BM has ever said that I agree with.
These calls are definitely
These calls are definitely about BM. Your DH started all of this by offering her money.
He needs to stop taking the late night calls, let her know that he is on top of it as far as SS is concerned, and that she needs to call a friend and not DH.
She is probably going to accuse him of being cruel no matter how he handles it, that is, unless he allows her to continue. The minute he tries to shut it down, she is going to claim he doesn't care about his son. He knows that is not true so he is just going to have to ignore her.
She is going to use this situation and SS to get all that she can get. The question for your DH is, how much is that going to be?
You hit the nail on the head!
You hit the nail on the head! DH started all this by offering her the money. Everything you said is spot on.
As sad as it is, I
As sad as it is, I agree...the calls are about BM. She should be getting social security benefits for the 2 year old. However, it may take sometime with the paperwork. Why did DH offer money? He open a can of worms on that one.
You guys have voicemail? Let
You guys have voicemail? Let her calls go to it. You know the kid is fine and it is BM who is going out of her mind.
Problem is, YOU cannot set this boundary for your DH. He has to set it for himself. You can definitely PERSUADE him but if he continues to answer the phone calls, there's not much you can do unless you want to leave the relationship.
^^^yessss
^^^yessss
Ask your DH 2 questions. How
Ask your DH 2 questions.
How much of himself is he willing to give BM and is he willing to pay the cost?
There will be a cost and it will not be monetary this time.
Is his need to rescue her, greater than his love and respect for you?
dh checked and his son is
dh checked and his son is doing ok. this should be the end of his involvement. your dh IS going to have to lay it out for her and you are going to have to insist on it. who cares if she calls him cruel? why does it matter to your dh if she does? my dh's ex called him once crying cause one of her pos brothers was in trouble (again). dh told her he didn't give a crap and he probably deserved it. she asked why he was so cold. ha! granted, being in trouble is different than being murdered but it's still not his problem. YOU are going to have to be "cold" and insist on boundaries. it's probably taken this situation for all the previous line crossings to come to a head for you. once your boundaries are firmly in place, bm's "crises" will not affect your life like this.