You are here

Family talk with SD18

evilstepmotherJ's picture

Submitted by evilstepmotherJ on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 5:36am

Well, hubby called a family meeting to order yesterday. SD has been putting it off for 3 weeks and DH finally said make time. I must say I was so proud of him. He finally told her that although we won't kick her out, that maybe it's time for her to move out. That she needs to see how it really is out there. That she is welcome to ignore us but if that's the case, she can do it from outside our home. I got to chance to talk as well and read a condensed version of my previous blog http://www.steptalk.org/node/165321 in which I prefaced it by saying I was still so angry that I was afraid i'd lose my temper so I wrote out my thoughts and feelings. She sniffled and cried a bit through the entire reading and kept saying she was sorry. We told her to keep our family talks in our family and quit running to Gram and the Aunts and her BF's family. I warned her that the discount to college is not something I have to give since she is not my daughter. And told her what it will take for her to keep it. When she went to leave for study group, she gave me a big hug and said how sorry she was (tears and sniffles again). My guard is not down and time will tell if the talk did any good but at least I finally got to say what I needed to say and she now knows what is expected and that we are done doing her any favors.

Comments

evilstepmotherJ's picture

Submitted by evilstepmotherJ on Tue, 10/08/2013 - 4:53am

Yes, I agree things will quiet down a bit and then who knows. I don't see it as buying into her goodwill because I've given up having a relationship with her, but I do see it as rules set up for a huge benefit to her. I am not willing to support her unless she is in college and going to class and not dropping classes, neither is DH. People place rules on college funds for their birth children, I see this as the same thing. It's her and her gram that keep pushing down my throat that I am not her mother and as so, I don't have to do anything for her. Can't have it both ways.

The complain wasn't about curfew, it started like that but ended with her going on in front of her 865 closest friends but most importantly my family members who do not need to know our financial situation. I could care less about curfew but our financial situation is not something to be posted publicly. Many family members contacted me after seeing it.

Strangely DH seems to be becoming as disconnected from SD as he is from SS, I can't help but wonder if it's easier for men than women when children turn away from them.

kathc's picture

Submitted by kathc on Tue, 10/08/2013 - 11:27am

Don't worry about it, HRNYC likes to defend the skids to the ends of the earth. Clearly, you were horribly mean in letting your SD know how you feel and what you expect of her. You should have baked her a cake and then let her stab you with the knife, you know :sick:

kathc's picture

Submitted by kathc on Tue, 10/08/2013 - 11:27am

Don't worry about it, HRNYC likes to defend the skids to the ends of the earth. Clearly, you were horribly mean in letting your SD know how you feel and what you expect of her. You should have baked her a cake and then let her stab you with the knife, you know :sick:

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 6:04am

hey, i'm impressed when a kid even PRETENDS to be sorry for their actions anymore. time will certainly tell. good dh.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 8:17am

At least she had the grace to display some remorse so your heartfelt description of things from your perspective must have had some impact. I'm glad you got some closure on your issues with her. You may never regain the kind of relationship you wanted with SD after all that has happened but the important thing is that you have cleared the air and had the opportunity to make her see things from the other side. And DH deserves some credit for making it happen - my DH would still rather have nails extracted than initiate such a discussion with one of his children. I sometimes wish I had had the opportunity for a similar clearing of the air with SD17, but she no longer lives with us and when she does visit we both maintain a pleasant front so I have avoided reopening old wounds.

If I were you I would now lower expectations of SD, let go of what has happened between you and aim for a pleasant detached relationship. Don't read her Facebook, don't concern yourself with her student life. You made the decision to get a discount on her study fees, it was a generous thing to do, for your own sake you should write that off now and avoid ongoing assessment of whether she is worthy and deserving of it. In all likelihood she will move out soon enough and the best thing all round would be if you could remain sufficiently ignorant of her day to day life so as to preserve your peace of mind and enable you to just be nice to each other when you are together.

evilstepmotherJ's picture

Submitted by evilstepmotherJ on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 8:59am

I agree with you 100% and that is my plan going forward. I care so little about her anymore, it was just the closure that I needed and I immediately felt peace within. I feel I can move forward with disengaging and live my life. Life will teach her all the lessons she needs to know and the tough times she will face will help her grow