I have two bio kids with my exh. BD9 and BS7. We have been separated/divorced for three years and I remarried just a few months ago. Exh is a somewhat clueless Dad, but for the most part I have seen that he is trying and loves his kids dearly. We got divorced because he seemed to have a problem not sleeping with other women, but have managed to have a friendly divorce and are pleasant to each other and he gets along with DH. He has not been in the kids lives consistently for 5 years due to his military career although the last year long deployment he volunteered for. I don't hold the absence against him as I view it as an honorable sacrifice. He returned in mid June this year and will finally be able to be a real part of the kids lives.
When we did our custody agreement we put that we had shared custody because otherwise he would lose his dependent housing allowance and the single rate would be hard for him to get a decent place to live and have the kids over for weekends. When he got back from this deployment I asked him what kind of custody arrangement he really wanted. His response was that every other weekend was good for him. I thought that was kind of odd for a man that had spent the last year telling everyone how much he missed his kids and couldn't wait to get back home and be with them, but Im not going to complain about getting the kids more often myself. That info is boring, but important in a minute.
On July 4th weekend he went on his first date with a woman who seemed nice. I don't actually know her, but exh is open with DH and I and we talked as if we were all friends. She is a Christian and so are we so I found that to be a great quality to have in a woman who may or may not be in my kids lives one day. Two days after their first date they had announced on fb that they are now in a relationship. I thought that was a little odd, but who am I to tell him its fast? We do have a lot of mutual friends and family on both sides that still talk to both of us tho and all of a sudden I started getting emails, texts and calls from them about this new gf. Apparently, she is a recently (a little over a year) recovering drug addict, her husband was sent to jail for it and committed suicide in jail a year ago in June. Five months after he died she accidentally got pregnant and was pregnant when she started talking to exh on the internet. She lost the baby at about six months and only one week before she went away with him on their first date and became a couple. Two weeks into dating they started asking if she could meet the kids (exh was nice enough to say he wanted me to meet her before she met them). Now I am seeing a lot of little odd things and Im a little worried.
BD9 birthday was in the beginning of this month and DH and I paid for her party and got her a bike. BS7 birthday was just three weeks later and he wanted a party as well. The kids have never really had big parties, but this year we tried to make it as great as our budget would allow. When it came to BS7 party I did ask exh if he would mind helping a little. I didn't tell him an amount or what he should do. I simply asked if it was possible. First he told me that he had very little money and even complained to me that he was supposed to spend that whole weekend meeting his gf parents (she lives about 2 hours away in another state) and asked me if we could change the party. Excuse me? He has seen this woman only a handful of times due to the distance and had barley been dating her a month and was asking that his sons bday party be changed to accommodate his dating life? All this after not really getting to see the kids for years and constantly saying how much he wanted to be a part of their lives? As far as not having any money, how much does it cost to drive back and forth to another state once a week?! Then he tells me he bought NFL tickets for a November game for the two of them on a weekend that happens to be his. When I mentioned that DH and I were planning on going to that same game he acts surprised that I wont be there to take the kids on his weekend and says he will find a sitter. So he gets them to himself 4 days a month and he is already willing to give up 2 of those days to take this woman out of town (the closest team is 4 hours away)? I just don't get it. I thought he had learned from the divorce that putting other women before your family was a bad idea. Now I see he was all talk and is still willing to put a chic above them (in this case just the kids).
We are friends on fb and I had to block his posts from appearing because I had to see their relationship stuff that I didn't think I needed too. I think she had everything public because if he commented on her stuff it would show up on my feed. I got sick of seeing "Holla if you have a man that loves Jesus...mine prays for me everyday!...Such a family man! Great to see a real man who loves his kids so much!...". I am not kidding...she praised God for her "family man" every other day. She hasn't even seen him with the kids and probably knows nothing about how he is now trying to pawn them off! That isn't her fault tho and I realize that. I am mad at him for presenting himself as if he is being an awesome family man. I got a message from a friend the other day that said the gf's profile pic was a pic of her with exh last name across her chest (my kids last name). So now she is a part of their family or thinks she is and hasn't even met them yet? I might be reading too much into that one. IDK.
I think the emotional instability of this woman scares me. I don't care if you have Jesus in your life, there are still stages of grief that every person needs to go thru. She didn't have time to mourn her husband before getting pregnant and she didn't have time at all to mourn her baby before jumping into a full blown committed relationship. Then she wants to meet the kids so early on and right after losing her own baby? Sounds a little off to me. Exh thinks I am being judgmental and says that he has decided her bad past is just the past and should not be held against her. I agree it is the past, but should we as parents be so eager and willing to introduce our kids to recovering addicts with a lot of personal baggage? Cant it wait till they get to know each other a bit more? I cant stop him from introducing them so I said my peace once and have not said anything since. I will be nice when he does bring her around because there is no real reason to be mean to her. I am having a more difficult time being nice to him. The kids were so excited to finally have their daddy back and it seems so unfair that he seemed to have lost interest so quickly. As soon as he finds a new gf (hes had them before just hasn't been this gungho about it) its as if the kids are secondary. All of a sudden he forgot how much he missed them and they are just there a few days a month to give him his daddy fix.
I feel myself slipping into anger with him. I would never say anything bad about him to the kids, but find myself telling him exactly what I think of his behavior and the "nice ex" relationship is fading. Suddenly I want to get the custody order changed to what he wants now and have that housing allowance taken away from him. I helped fudge it to help him out, but he wants to just push the kids aside?! Why should I be helpful? IDK...do all men act this way? Do they all lose their heads eventually? I don't know what to think and hate that I have become so angry towards my kids father. Any advice on how to cope without becoming the evil bitch? I would really like to learn how to not care so much when I feel my kids are getting the raw end of the deal.