dealing with negative feelings for skids
My Family
My husband and I have been married for 4 years and our family is the "your's, mine and ours" mixture. My husband has one daughter (8) and one son (7) from his previous marriage. He was awarded full custody in their divorce and the bio mom has been out of the picture since then. I have one daughter (7) from a previous relationship. Her bio dad has her on his days off which equals out to 15 days a month. Last but not least we have one daughter (3) together.
In the begining I had a fairly good relationship with my skids (then 3 and 4). Unfortunately I never really had a chance to form a solid bond with them due to in-laws. They were unsupportive of our marriage, dissapproved of our parenting technique, house rules and decisions made for his children were viewed as wrong in their eyes. I made alot of effort in the beginning to ease into my roll as the "new mom" however after time began to accept that i was never going to be able to please them and began to see that it was affecting how the kids were around and towards me. I began to back off from in laws and from my skids. I really didn't know what else to do. The next two years my in laws boundry stomped, caused marital problems and after my husbands second attempt to establish boundaries we went to no contact until they were willing to operate within these boundaries. From that point up until now we have been in fighting a "grandparents rights" case filed my in laws. The judge ended up ruling in our favor and denied their petition.
That brings me to the present. All of the in law issues combined with some pretty disruptive bahavioral problems the skids display has led me to really dislike my skids . So many negative feelings festered for them in these four years. I absolutely hate this about myself. How can I as a parent let alone an adult actually feel the way I do about a child. I should be able to sort throught these negative feelings and over come them. I just don't know how. Honestly I don't think I ever will. How does one come to terms with these feelings?
- Lilly Grace's blog
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Comments
By realizing that not all
By realizing that not all children are universally lovable to all adults. Being an adult or even a parent does not mean that you will or have to love or even Like every kid you meet. I am sure there are children that your DD is in school with or could meet at a park or whatever that you just flat out wont like. Generally because they're disrespectful, badly behaved little brats. Do you feel terrible that you don't love those kids?
Just because they're you're step kids, doesn't make some automatic unbreakable bond. When they mistreat you,when they are disruptive or disrespectful, you do not have that innate parent-child bond because they aren't your kids. So don't be so hard on yourself.
I suggest reading Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. And maybe find a theorist you can talk to that has experience in stepfamilies. What you're feeling isn't abnormal and it's not horrible.
Hopefully since the case with the grandparents sounds like its over, you and your DH can work with his kids to cut out the disruptive, not nice behavior and you will, over time maybe start to feel less resentment and anger towards them and the relationship can heal.
Thank you for being so
Thank you for being so understanding. All the points you made are absolutely correct. I have seen the book title mentioned a few times and plan on picking up a copy. I am very fortunate to have a husband I can talk to about these feelings with. Its just to hear understanding come from an outside source.