The respectful skids have NCPs who demand respect!
Just got back from my mom's friend's apt...she brought all the kids here for the week (beach apt)...incl her daughter's skids who are 12 & 15...she is allowed and encouraged by their father to reprimand them, they are told to respect "grandparents and wife" as if it were him or they will respond to him when he sees them. It is amazing how my mom's friend tells even the 15yr old "time to get off the phone, pool or beach time is up, etc..." and they do as they aré told! No ifs, ands or buts!
Her daughter has no problems w/kids either...she will reprimand them in front of husband or others and husband backs her up 100%!
My DH's best friend is exactly the same way with his daughter/wife...and they too have a great relationship.
All of them go on vc with and WITHOUT skids and nobody freaks out!
And it's not because the BMs aré great cause I have heard stories, seen some of the crap they attempt to pull, etc...but yet in the NCP/SMOM/SKID world there aré no issues.
I do believe our problems stem from guilty daddy who allowed skid to tell them how it would be and once they knew they could do whatever they wanted, even if the daddy tried to stop it it was too late. I do believe that had DH DEMANDED the respect from day one, things would be different. Of course allowing their ex's to dictate HOW the kid would be treated in our homes in the hopes of keeping the peace has backfired...however, that does NOT mean that any of us incl our DHs should then allow them to behave this way forever...when you realize there is a problem you do your best to correct it.
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I wish I would have known
I wish I would have known about this website when I first started dating DH. The damage was already done when I came along. DH was already a guilty dad and SS was already in control. Why didn't I run???!!!
This is what I have said
This is what I have said regarding skid/stepparent relationships for many years:
Both parties should treat each other with respect. For the stepparent, this means allowing the skids each some one-on-one time with their bioparent. This means being nice to skids.
For skids, this means that they don't have to love or like the stepparent, but they have to treat the stepparent with respect and civility. This means not talking back to the stepparent when the child is asked to do something. This means acknowledging the stepparent's presence. This means including the stepparent in the conversation. They don't have to feel respect towards the stepparent, but they have to act respectfully towards them.
PS none of these families
PS none of these families have the bioparent-skid alone time. Both parents make it perfectly clear THEY are a different type of family...but never do the NCPs do anything alone w/kids unless of course by coincidence they can't all be together...