What to do?
I am a SM to 4 (2 SD and 2 SS) and all are teenagers. We do week on/ week off living arrangements and the weeks we are alone, the BF and I are great. Weeks on, not so much. I feel like I am just getting angrier by the day with the kids and the parenting decisions the BM and BD have made in the past. They are growing into lazy, selfish, spoiled, bratty adults and I feel powerless to stop it or change it in any way. The BF doesn't think it is as bad as it really is and the BM is oblivious and caters to their every whim and want, while she complains about their bad habits and ignores the fact that she is culpable in any way to why they are this way. I end up spending 90% of my time locked in the bedroom by myself so that I don't say anything "mean" and just don't have to hear it. To make matters worse, the kids tattle on us to the BF's mother so we end up getting an earful from her too! I love my husband and want to love this family and make it work but as I look into the future I see more of the same. I have worked my ass off to cultivate a good relationship with the BM because that is what is best for the kids and us as a family but end up feeling like I get taken advantage of and she uses me as a "bridge" to get the BF to do things. I know all of the logical arguments here to fix it but we all know that blended families are a mine field and the wrong word or action can make you the target of hatred and hurt feelings for the rest of your life. Saying something to the BM or grandmother is not the answer as it would not be received in a positive way. I have talked to the BF until I am blue in the face but because he doesn't see it the same way I do, he doesn't feel any action is necessary. I want this marriage but do not know how to cope with all of these feelings. I am seeking therapy for myself but still feel so alone and isolated. Hope I am not alone in these feelings...
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This sounds a lot like my
This sounds a lot like my situation and where I was last year. You are one of many women hiding in the bedroom. I don't know what to tell you. Can you get him into marriage counseling?
Anne Boleyn, he agreed to go
Anne Boleyn, he agreed to go today. We have been rehashing the same drama for the past year and I finally said today I GIVE UP!!! White flag, surrender, whatever you want o call it! I don't know what to do and we need some outside help to fix this situation. I'm glad to know that he will go but hate that it has gotten to this point to make that happen. I am soooo tired of fighting with him about it. I want us to just be happy and love each other. I love his kids and have done my best to make this family work but their attitudes and behaviors are just unacceptable and no one wants to do anything about it but me. The bad thing is that we were all in family therapy about a year ago because the BM's then boyfriend said he was going to break up with her because of her kids and their issues, but instead of showing him the door she got us all in to therapy. It was GREAT!!!!! We were getting somewhere with the kids until- they started calling the BM on some of her bad past decisions. She pulled the plug on therapy because "It's too hard for all of us". I was so upset! She doesn't want to deal with her culpability in the situation at all. She is very good at blaming everyone else and never taking responsibility herself. I'm not blind- my DH is as much to blame as she is but he will own up to his crap. I feel like we missed out on a great opportunity as a family to grow in the right direction. I know that I need to change myself and figure out a way to deal with this situation that allows me to love the kids and preserve my relationship with them and my husband. And I will tell you something, God puts things in our path that we need! I needed to find this site TODAY! Reading about other women in my situation sharing the same problems I am makes me feel less alone and more normal
Reading about how we are all trying to cope and do the best we can day to day makes me see the light at the end of the tunnel! I don't feel like such a monster for having such anger towards the kids, the BM and at times my DH 
Wow. This sounds so much like
Wow. This sounds so much like my situation. This site was a lifesaver for me. I think this site and counseling will help you. My situation has improved, especially now that I've gotten BM in her place and changed my expectations with the kids.
Lower your expectations.
Lower your expectations. Because you are right - you are powerless to keep them from growing up into lazy, selfish, spoiled, bratty adults. It sad - even sadder for them as they are probably not going to have happy lives.
Forget about having a relationship with BM. Remove her from your life. Don't email, text, phone, etc. Nod and say hello if you must be in her presence.
Since all 4 are teens some must be getting close to being adults. You need to address what the future is with them. Does you DH think they will live with you as adults? If so you might as well throw in the towel now. That is not a good solution even for well behaved bio kids.
At their ages no one wants to add another parent to the mix. Stop thinking of yourself as "stepmother" and focus on your role as "wife". The kids are part of him but you do not have to love them or cater to them.
I do feel for you...not nice
I do feel for you...not nice to feel as if u have to hide...problem is that the birth parents are biologically programmed to think the best of their offspring...right or wrong and nothing hurts a birth parent more than someone saying your kids are spoilt even if its true. ...if u love this guy then be on his side coz if you're not then the relationship will go down the pan...its really up to you....
roxyj, welcome aboard and I
roxyj, welcome aboard and I hope this site gives you a place to come and scream when you find yourself hiding alone in your bedroom. I can't tell you how much I learned from others here but I have learned that you need to tell yourself "I'm not alone in this step world nor am I crazy!" and let it out.
Its good that you are seeking outside help as well but don't let them make you feel like your evil for trying to do the right thing. DH and I have been there with counselors until SD dug her own grave and the counselor was learning too.
I agree with the advice above and it will help you if you do follow it. Look forward to hearing more from you.
Roxy, you sound like a good
Roxy, you sound like a good person and I am so glad that you discovered this site and realized you are FAR from being alone in the way you feel.
Your post title was "what to do?" and I'd like to share what has worked for me. You mention hiding out in your bedroom - and I used to do that too until I realized, why hide out there when I can go out and do things?!?! On the 4 nights a week that my step kids are with us, I go OUT. Work late, go out to eat, meet up with friends, go to a movie, get my nails done.. whatever. Before you go, send a quick text to DH that you made other plans and won't be home until whatever time.
This accomplishes two things: 1) if your DH has gotten in the habit of you cooking for him/his kids and/or cleaning up after them and/or driving them places - he will suddenly be on the hook to do all that himself. 2) you won't feel like a prisoner in your own home and will get to do things you used to love doing before you became a step-mom.
If DH notices that you go out a lot more and questions you about it, lovingly remind him that you've already explained to him that you find his kids to behavior to be lazy/selfish/spoiled and you made suggestions to him but he "doesn't feel any action is necessary" - so you have decided to avoid the house all together when they are there.
It's a win-win really. If he's alone with them and YOU'RE not the one telling him how they're misbehaving, maybe - just maybe - he'll see it for himself?
All- thank you so much for
All- thank you so much for the comments and advice! I will put them all to use ASAP
I will definitely go do more out of the house instead of sending myself to my room. I have been trying to re-kindle a lot of friendships lately so that I will have more people to do stuff with when my SKIDS are at home and I can't have DH all to myself. I am also going to try and not be so "available" to do everything for everyone all of the time. That builds so much resentment in me- having to perform all of the parent duties without getting a say in how they are raised. I need to say that they are not horrible kids- they just have some very bad habits and attitudes (but honestly who didn't when they were younger). I know that things will all work out but I would like to save my sanity and my marriage to this wonderful man in my life. Having this outlet has saved my butt today!
I'm confused...are you
I'm confused...are you married or is her your BF...you say first BF, then say you love your husband?
Sometimes people use BF as in
Sometimes people use BF as in BioFather (of the Skids. It can be confusing. I THINK they are married. I could be wrong.
We are married. BF= birth
We are married. BF= birth after in this case.