Relationship responsibilities?
So DH and I are expecting our first in Sept. This of course has led to several conversation about expectations and how we want to deal with our various family dynamics in regards to our child. We are very much on the same page about things - certain people will never have our kid overnight, neither of us have any desire to participate in certain 'family events', etc.
One of the biggest conversations has been about SD and baby. Currently, DH and SD don't have what I would call a relationship. The kid (17 this year) has been subjected to PAS pretty much forever and has gulped the kool-aid down so she blames dad for Everything. Nothing is SD's fault, she has done nothing wrong ever and dad is just the biggest deadbeat on the planet. I, of course, am the evil demon straight from hell.
DH has hopes that SD will want to have a relationship with her sibling. While I think it's unlikely (her response to the baby news was basically "Good luck with your do-over") there is the possibility. Now, she's made it very clear that I am totally unwelcome in her life, that I stole her father, that I'm just flat out evil - there is no relationship. I've told DH that I'm not comfortable with SD trying to have a relationship with just DD or with just him and DD. He's on board with this, agrees completely that we are a family and SD can chose to be part of the whole family, or she's not going to be part of DD's life.
However, he has made at least one statement that if SD doesn't have a relationship with DD, it will be because I'm not okay with her having that relationship and pretending I don't exist. Hmm. Well, fine, it seems we can both live with that. I'm not exactly chomping at the bit to make sure the sisters feel like sisters - which with a 17 year age gap and several states between, I'm not sure how sisterly they'd ever feel even if SD didn't have problems with her dad and I.
I don't like SD as a person. I find her selfish, entitled, unforgiving, disrespectful, and extremely self-righteous. On top of that, she's been arrested for shoplifting, she's way too enamored with pot, and what we've seen and been told previously about her friends and boyfriend I find extremely distasteful. To be fair, other people may have a different view of her or experience with her. She does get decent grades, we hear she's part of student council, have been told she tutors as a volunteer.
I guess my question, or concern or whatever is - will I be doing DD some kind of disservice by putting that condition on the relationship (that if she wants a relationship with DD she has to be at least civil to me)? Am I wrong for not wanting my kid to spend time with and be involved with someone that wishes me dead?
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One of the situations DH and
One of the situations DH and I had discussed was him meeting SD somewhere like for lunch and just taking DD with him, so I wouldn't be there for her to read.
I told him I wasn't really ok with that, since he doesn't always pick up her crazy passive-aggressive behavior and remarks and he agreed that he doesn't and that it wouldn't be a good idea. I guess I just still wonder if I'm somehow being unfair.
That's not a good idea at
That's not a good idea at all. Chances are if she's passive aggressive with you, she'll be that way with the baby. My skid tries to act like she loves my DD but I've caught her scowling at her when no one is around.
You don't want your DD growing up with a sister like that. She may end up being passive aggressive with your DD as she grows up and that is emotionally damaging to a child, always trying to get her older half siblings approval.
No you wouldn't be doing your
No you wouldn't be doing your baby girl a disservice at all. Since SD is untrustworthy and doesn't even WANT a relationship with you or her father, she shouldn't have the automatic right to have a relationship of ANY kind with your baby.
Just my 2 cents
Congratulations again on your baby girl and I sooooo hope she's born on my birthday!
LOL oh yes, my carved in
LOL oh yes, my carved in jello due date... don't get your hopes Too high yet Red, this kid totally has a mind of her own. I have the feeling she'll have to come some other day just because someone said she Should be coming that day.
LOL no kidding. I know my
LOL no kidding. I know my DD15 decided she wanted to be born a few days early. On Daytona 500 Sunday, no less...lil shit!
No you aren't wrong for
No you aren't wrong for feeling that way. You are your baby's mother and if she wants a relationship with DD, she needs to acknowledge you. You described my SD10 perfectly, minus the pot LOL.
I think your DH is wrong to cut his own daughter out of his life. If she won't acknowledge you, then he needs to continue to have his own relationship with her. This should be easy since she's close to graduating and getting older. He needs to separate his relationship with her from his family relationship, especially if your SD is disrespectful toward you.
My SD is just now coming to visit with us every other weekend because for the past 2 years she's been subjected to PAS. Not to mention my hubby breaking the news to her of my pregnancy last year, that didn't sit well with her. My DH still has hopes that his girls are going to be best sisters forever. I really doubt it. the comparisons and jealousy is already starting to unfold before our eyes but he refuses to see it.
Even if your SD tries to have a relationship with your DD, she will always find an issue with what you guys have to offer her.
For example, my DD and SD have a 10 year age gap and already I hear:
- When I was little I was so cute too, right?
- How come she gets to go to daycare and I didn't?
- Why does she always get new clothes and things? (SD can't seem to understand that she's a baby and that they grow at an alarming rate)
- When being reprimanded she always says sh*t like: Well when "C" grows up you'll probably let her do whatever.
- The baby is so dramatic and always cries for attention. (again my baby is 5 months old!)
don't be surprised if this is what is in store for you. The older Skids are when you deliver a baby, the worse their behavior gets it seems.
He hasn't cut her out - she
He hasn't cut her out - she just flat out refuses to have anything to do with him, even phone calls, for as long as he's with me. He's really tried and he just gets bashed in the face every time. It may change as she gets older and I don't think he'll stop trying. I've told him it's fine for just him to have a relationship with SD and he tries, but is constantly rejected. There isn't much else he Can do now - the CO is a total joke, completely unenforceable so even if he wanted to Force her to visit he couldn't. And now we live several states away so it's not like he can just drop in on her somewhere to say hi or invite her out to a meal.
I guess I didn't explain the family relationship part right. We both agree he should have a relationship with her if he can. I'm just wondering if I'm wrong about my thoughts on the family relationship if she wants to continue to disregard me.
This is a big concern for me.
This is a big concern for me. DH tends to get a little ostrich SD would Never... blah blah when it comes to being mean to someone on purpose even though he'll see it after the fact when I point it out. This is why I think he agrees that SD meeting DD without me around would be a bad idea.
There is no family without
There is no family without you in it, so if she disregards you, then she is not family plain and simple. She is just your DH's daughter, point blank.
That's the treatment she's earned by being dismissive of you.
I totally see my SD headed in that direction. But you know what? Now that I have my own little girl, I am going to raise her the best that I can so she can turn out to be an awesome adult that I'm proud of and hopefully one that will overshadow her older sister. Kind of as a slap in the face to SD saying, "see what you could have had if only you wanted to be a part of our family"?
If she doesn't want anything to do with you, the to hell with her. Let BM continue to poison her, life will pay her back.
Congratulations I don't
Congratulations
I don't think you are wrong either. I feel for SD...PAS seems to damage a lot of people. Maybe she is angry at her mom. Maybe, on some level, she knows her mom lied and wishes her dad hadn't given up on her. I think both her parents made mistakes to varying degrees. Granted, BM made a lot more bad decisions. SD will likely need counseling to help her through this and I hope that Dad would be willing to participate via phone, Skype, etc. This may not happen for awhile. She may not wake up fully until she moves out of BMs.
It is sad what some BMs do to their kids. Kids who have been subject to PAS and succumb to it often have more arrests and life problems. It's scary how these women hate their exes more than they love their kids.
If SD wants to have a good relationship with your bio, she needs to realize that she should find a way to get along with you. Not love, like or give a flip about you, but get along with you. That it is possible to not care about someone, but get along with them and not wish them dead.
If SD wants to improve her relationship with her dad she again needs to realize that she should find away to get along with you. Not love, like or give a flip about you, but get along with you. That family members she's trying to improve things with will be a lot more inclined to work with her if she treats the other people they care about respectfully, even if they're people she doesn't care for. And again, that it is possible to not care about someone, but get along with them and not wish them dead.
Thanks, that's been my take
Thanks, that's been my take on this as well. I don't need her to love me, I don't need her to like me. I do require her to be civil and respectful which to me, includes not lying about me. This is one of my biggest concerns. She's felt so free to lie about me in the past, I'm worried what nonsense she'd try to fill DD's head with if given the opportunity.
I feel for the kid. She got a bum deal with a wacky mother. They don't get along particularly well from what we've heard, but SD's loyalties are solely with her mom. If she wants a relationship with DH later, I will encourage him to participate in therapy or whatever with her.
I'm just not willing to have my DD confused or traumatized because her older sister got dealt a bad hand and I feel bad for her...
Thanks guys, I really
Thanks guys, I really appreciate the feedback. The hormones have been sending me in some spirals lately and I wasn't sure if I was being reasonable about this or if I'd just become crazy preg-zilla. I can't even be sure that it's reasonable with just DH agreeing to it because I dunno, I might sprout horns and a tail and eat him or something if he argues with me in his world.
As some one currently trying
As some one currently trying to conceive my DH and I have talked about it and while our skids are younger we aren't going to push the sibling thing since they are only half sibs. But they should be nice to each other and BM will never be around our baby for the reason given above about BM saying its not dh's.
BM would pretend the baby
BM would pretend the baby didn't exist I'm sure, since she can't even bring herself to acknowledge My existence. DD will Never be around BM, that's never even been a question between DH and I.