VENT: Since ExH is now Married... He is irritating my more and more. Yes, I'm a BM too!
I'm about to get all Bat-shit BM on my ex and I'm trying to relax.
Let me just preface this by saying that exH and I have ALWAYS been very flexible with our 60/40 schedule with our three kids and we get along quite well. We have been divorced for 6 years and we are both recently remarried. But it seems that now that he is married (6 months in now), I see that things are changing.
It started on Friday. He took the kids to the dentist (I provide health insurance even though our decree states that he will). There was a $60 bill and he sent it to me and asked me to pay for half. OK, fine. I usually don't bug him for amounts that are small. I also sent him an email earlier in the week requesting his half of the kids deposit for summer activities (I always research, get his approval on times, cost, etc and this had already been done). He did not respond.
This weekend was supposed to be HIS weekend. My DS9's baseball team had the opportunity to do a special event with our local MLB team where he got to go on the field and meet the players at the Sunday game. I must have asked my ex 3 times about whether he would be participating and finally he said no, that HE (and SM) were going to do a race. I offered to take the kids Sat afternoon after my duaghter's Softball game. He agreed. I took the opportunity to schedule a small sleep over for a few of his friends that night for his upcoming Bday since the end of the year is such a difficult time for us to plan his bday.
We also found out that my daughter had a playoff softball game on Sunday as well so I ended up rushing at the MLB game so that we could get DD12 to her game on time. Then after, the ex wanted the kids brought back to his house. I told them I'd keep them, since they were exhausted from the heat and the day's events. I took them to his house as he requested. I was exhausted, but it's my job to get them to their activities and I'm more than happy to do it if he isn't planning on it or has other plans. Though it irks me that he makes other plans and I think certain activities trump his race. (note that this "race" is more of a party).
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So this morning he asks about
So this morning he asks about the kids being tired. I remind him that they were in the sun all day, and were up the night before,e tc.
I take the opportunity to ask about my daughter's sleepaway camp that we previously agreed to. He had told me that it would work for him, but he was going to be coming home from his own trip with the kids on Monday and he didn't know if he'd be able to get her there on time and he offered to bring her directly to the camp. I followed up with the camp to see if that would work and they provided me with two options which I provided him. This mornign, he tells me he doesn't know if he'll be able to get her there.
I responded via text " Why's that?"
Now, the reason I am so upset right now and biting my tongue is because Monday mornings are MY DAYS. I have the kids every monday and Tuesday. We do EO Wed. He ALWAYS has them Thurs. And we do EOWE. If I do a trip with the kids, I will typically do them Fri night - Tuesday as those are MY DAYS. If I need to infringe on his time. I ASK.
He doesn't and it's pissing me off. So now, I'm about to flip out on him and TELL him that if he would like to take the kids during MY TIME, he needs to clear it with me.
I have already offered to care for the kids Monday - Friday this summer as I will be on maternity leave. I've let him know far in advance that I will be home and they could hang with me and I'd take them places, etc. and that they'd just do a few extras this summer.
I'm just super irritated. Planning my next response. Don't want to be a bitch, but I'm about to get all BM on him!
To be honesty I don't know
To be honesty I don't know what to say just because I raised my girl with out my exh helping ever. So I'm not good at knowing things from that end of it. I would think if it was exh weekend he would have handle those things but it sounds like his plans to go to the races did. Thats a poor parenting choice on his part. But I've seen parents that do what they want and put their kids second or last for that matte
I would ask him one more time how he wants to handle the deposits and the dentist. Who ever owes the final amount should just pay.
I agree. I basically just did
I agree. I basically just did him a HUGE favor by letting him do his "race" and I had an exhausting weekend with the kids. (But again, that's my job, I'm their mom and I'd rather they do their activities then be pawned off on whoever he was planning on pawning them off on for the day so he could go walk a party race.
Right now, I'm livid that he's going to try and NOT get our daughter to her camp. This is her first year, she's totally excited, both of us agreed on it and now he's backing out.
I'm going to have to pull the "MY TIME" card and I don't want to. I know he doesn't want to piss off his wife - which is why he said he wouldn't take our son to his baseball thing, and I'm sure this "trip" he has planned has something to do with her also. Which is fine. But when my kids have to miss out, it becomes a problem in my book.
We actually did our divorce
We actually did our divorce on our own - Legal Zoom!
But then hired a lawyer to finalize everything for us because we couldn't figure it out. What the final order says, is not what we do AT ALL. The order states that I have the kids. He has EOWE and can visit them at my house from 5-9 on Tues and Thurs. It states that he is to pay for their private school, all activities, all medical expenses, insurance, etc. and pay me child support.
This was what HE wanted in the order.
I knew it was not something that he could keep up (he has good intentions, but he can't afford all that). So we have made changes along the way.
Regarding kindness, it usually goes both ways, but I've noticed a change since SM is now "officially" in the picture even though she's been around for about 5 years. I'm sure she's up in the money and wondering why I'm not giving my half. Little does she know what I actually DO pay for and how often I DO NOT bug my ex for half of each and every expense. He even asks me for school clothes (uniforms) for the kids - which pisses me off also, but i usually give him some.
Exactly! I'm totally and
Exactly! I'm totally and completely annoyed.
He doesn't even think about running it past me in advance of booking some trip with the kids that infringes on my time. I'm sure when he booked the trip, he just thought, "oh, she's home, she's on maternity leave, I can do whatever I want and it will be fine".
I agree with ImaSmom ^^^ I'd
I agree with ImaSmom ^^^ I'd send him an email and just say "Since it appears that you and I cannot reach an agreement and be flexible with each other, I will be following the court order with regards to visitation, financial responsibilities and such from this day forward. If you choose to stray from the original court order, I will hold you in contempt"
LOl. I'm hesitant to play
LOl.
I'm hesitant to play that card. My DH works for him LOL. So does my little brother.
Those are fighting words and i'm not ready to fight just yet which is why i'm trying to gain my composure before I call him and chew him out.
Got ya!
Got ya!
I so disagree with you Red on
I so disagree with you Red on this. If she does that, it is going to start a war that no one wants to be a part of. It sounds like they have a really good working relationship that has a few glitches in it now since he got remarried. No need to threaten him with the CO.
SOA...I would just tell him your concerns (in a nice way) and see how he takes it. He sounds like a pretty good man/father who is making a few bad choices. Just like most of us.
Yes. That's what I'm trying
Yes. That's what I'm trying to do.
I just need to calm down first. He still hasn't responded to my "Why's that" text so he knows I'm not pleased.
I'm just getting more and
I'm just getting more and more annoyed as I sit here.
One, he's totally taking advantage of my flexibility with our schedule by NOT EVEN ASKING ME when he's going to stray.
Two, the money thing makes me irritated as well. Yes, he pays child support. But I guarantee, he should be paying a LOT more for our 3 kids - even with our current 60/40 schedule. I make my own money, so I typically don't ask him for anything extra for the kids - except "occasionally" for expensive extra curriculars, but that's only if he agrees. We ALWAYS split summer camp costs. It ALWAYS irritates me that he asks me to supply him with school uniforms. I don't want to be a greedy bitch so I usually give him a few new items for his house each year. It's typically less than $100 for all the kids, but can't he do it himself?
Three, he's ditching out on the kids' things because his wife is planning things for him now. This is the second time during the kids' baseball/softball season that he has pulled this. The first was when they planned a bday party for his wife during my daugther's opening day and first game (his weekend). Another mom just told me a "funny" story about my son's baseball game. I was at my daughter's game that night and the ex was at my son's. My son got a good hit and all the parents were asking where the family was. She pointed out exH and SM. And they all looked perplexed like they'd never seen him before and said, "no, the pregnant lady and her husband that's always here". LOL. My friend also asked if SM was the new GF because she'd never seen her before and I had to inform her that they'd been together about 5 years.
He has always been a good dad and put the kids first. That's why I married him because I knew he'd be a good dad (not because I knew he was my match). Now he's struggling in the dad arena as far as I'm concerned and i'm getting pissed.
And here's more of a rant.
And here's more of a rant. I'm sure SM is all of a sudden so concerned about money because SHE decided to quit her job. She worked for a company for 12 years and was going to look for a new job. The company offered some early exit packages and she took one. She went on a 3 week vacation out of the country.
This was over a month ago and no job still.
Sure, they can afford to go on trips, but they better hurry up and ask for my portion of the dentist bill before anything happens!
(Now i really sound all BM-ish).
Well that makes more sense! I
Well that makes more sense!
I see now how you'd want to approach this with him carefully. See, I go all out all the time! LOL
Hmmmmmmmmm. There must have
Hmmmmmmmmm. There must have been something in the water this weekend, because my EX whom I usually get along with just fine was pulling some crazy crap too. Not to mention, the details of your post, I could have written myself, with all of the baseball and softball details. Sounds JUST LIKE my life!!
I did go crazy BM on my ex on Saturday after EXH assumed I would take the girls after their softball game because he had to work... which normally I am fine with as long as he informs me of this, I had plans that I utimately had to cancel. Then Saturday morning my daughter had a softball event that I took her to because Ex was working... he usually gets home around 2pm. We were on track to be home around that time so I called to tell him I would drop her off at 2. He snaps at me and tells me he has to work until 7...??? And I needed to keep her. WTF? I pushed my Friday night plans to Saturday because of him and now, he did it AGAIN?!?!? I told him to ask his mom to keep her. He freaked out on me.
Holy crap man, my LIFE is consumed with Little League and School activities. I am going 100 MPH and just needed an EVENING without my kids since I have them every day lately. I understand I would have them everyday if we were still married, but he would BE THERE to help me out, and DH travels for work so I am exhausted running these kids everywhere and working full time commuting an hour each way and the stress of the event I was running yesterday. I needed a break and was looking forward to it, and he pulled that rug right out from under me TWICE in one weekend. Yeah, I went crazy BM on him.
Sorry, didn't mean to go off on your post, just struck a nerve LOL. Except EX doesn't have a new wifey to blame his change in behavior on. He doesn't even have a girlfriend. He needs one. Then maybe SHE can help pick up his slack. LOL. And she will be here, venting about taking care of my kids and what a POS BM I am for needing a break this weekend. Oh..... I can picture it now.
It sounds like we have the
It sounds like we have the same life. I commute an hour each way, and am always doing things for the kids on "his" time because often the kids have to be in two places at once.
Luckily, my DH is very involved and will help me with the kids. The end of the year activities KILL ME and I'm about to KILL the EX!
DH is vey involved here too,
DH is vey involved here too, but he also travels for work. So... he can't be much help when he isn't here
His travel season just started again, so I am trying to adjust to doing it on my own again. It's always a tough transition for the first month or so that he starts traveling. PLUS, I added things to my plate this year so that doesn't help. I am on the LL board and it is approaching the end of the season. Lots to do with Allstars, and TOC and Preparing for fall ball, closing ceremonies. Full plate doesn't even begin to decribe my life right now!!
I feel you but can't say I'd
I feel you but can't say I'd respond well myself. Issues with exh have been growing since his gf "got fired" from her 4 hours a week job working with friends and the owner is a friend of exh's so we don't believe she was fired her reasoning was they fired her for refusing to work more hours because she has a kid to take care of a kid who's 14, anyway separate rant there.
I've been handling exh like this "You have a prior obligation to your children, if you are unable to do so you can inform them why or I can, and then I will make other arrangements to manage whatever you can't"
This works as it plays the "your failing as a parent card", along with the "your children will judge you for this", and the "as usual I fix everything because your a lazy pos and we already expected this outcome." and he realizes he's screwed up and then works with me to fix the issue and we move on. Unfortunately his gf's attempts to thwart his obligations to his kids is causing far more communication than usual (we were maybe texting 3 messages a month) Now he's called me 3 times in 2 weeks and we've had to text twice a week and it's getting on my nerves that I have to deal with him so much. Not because we can't just because I really liked avoiding him as much as possible cause this is a vicious circle, he screws up, I check him, we have to communicate more, the gf gets more mad, he has to fix his screw ups with the kids, gf gets more mad he screws up more to try and shut her up, she takes it out on my kids and is nasty to them they come to me, I make them take it to their dad it's lose lose.
Now I type it out I think my solution is going to be to try and just tell the kids "look if your dad doesn't do or follow through on xyz that's on him, yes you will get screwed take it up with him." at least it takes me out of the equation which is one less thing the gf can be shitty about, though from what I hear it won't matter.
I like the "you have a prior
I like the "you have a prior obligation...." line. I may have to borrow that and adjust it accordingly.
I'm familiar with this cycle: exH messes up, I rant and rave, he fixes it, SM is mad, so... exH messes up again in an effort to appease her.. and on and on. This is new development but it has occurred several times since their marriage 6 months ago. I guess she is handling his calendar more now and is not aware that when you are a parent, you sometimes need to drop your own plans so that you can accomodate your children and their once in a lifetime experiences. (SM has no children of her own and probably won't be having any as she is in her 40s and I'm pretty sure that the ex couldn't handle any more).
I'm so irritated with this
I'm so irritated with this man right now.
I'm about to go out on maternity leave. So many thoughts go through my head regarding sticking it to this man as a "thank you" for his recent actions and his continued decline in involvement with the kids (as I've learned that BMs are so easily able to do from my readings on this site, LOL).
Even with our current custody arrangement, if my circumstances were to change and I for some reason wouldn't be able to work, his child support would go up a good $1500 a month. Plus he'd now have to provide for the health insurance, etc, etc. It upsets me that I CAN'T stay home with my new baby as I did with my older kids and it honestly crossed my mind that I wouldn't want to ask him for more child support if I were to stay home with the new baby. AND, given his actions, I'm sure I could create a pretty good case for a custody modification based on his mix ups and declining to get the kids to their events, etc.
These are just my evil thoughts as I day dream Nine to Five style. }:)
OK, well, I just talked to
OK, well, I just talked to the Ex.
I let him know that he has obligations to the kids and he's made some interesting choices lately. He knew exactly what I was talking about and he said that he wasn't happy with his recent choices and that he needs to make sure his priorities are reflective of his actual priorities - which he states are the kids, not his work, friends, etc.
I also stated that I always ask his permission first prior to making any plans with the kids on his days and that he was not doing that and just assuming that things would work out and that this time they aren't working out and he needs to fix it. Come to find out that he has a trip with HIS family that he's known about for 5 months and just hasn't taken the time to let me know. Of course if he told me 5 months ago, this wouldn't even be an issue, but he just didn't take the time to tell me.
He mentioned that he's had some scheduling challenges and that he always needs to consult the family calendar. He asked if I could work directly with his wife on scheduling. I declined stating that I think it is much better that he and I deal with our children's schedules and needs and then he can negotiate with her and then negotiate with me as needed. He agreed that it was probably best for all relationships that things remain as is even though it might have been easier for him to conveniently step out of it.
He's a good man.
I'm calm now.
He's going to have to fix HIS mistake with his dad and HIS Step Mom (and that's not going to be fun at all for him because SHE is a tough one to deal with!!! LOL).
Good, I'm glad you guys
Good, I'm glad you guys sorted that out. I need to have a similar talk with my ex. Maybe tonight at our daughters game. I am sure he will understand too. He is a good guy, just highly unorganized!!
Good luck with your ex. I
Good luck with your ex. I know for me, I was probably making myself more upset than I needed to... sitting here stewing about it.
Communication is key. As long as you have someone that is reasonable, there really shouldn't be an issue. Hopefully both parties have the kids' best interest at heart and enjoy their relationship with the kids and being a parent in general - which it sounds as if its the case for you as well.