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we broke up, its sad

dad123's picture

Submitted by dad123 on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 8:32am

thanks for the the support given. its been since monday she gave back the ring. still obv feeling the pain. i had nothing left to give. tried to communicate i was hurt by actions of excluding us often and the anxiety i would have if i would need something from her. felt she knew she didnt want to give as much as i offered to her. i could have acted the way she did so there would have been a balance but it is not my nature and not how i was raised (we have opposite upbringings). there were no issues with the kids (i have 3 she had 1). the kids were little, all got along nicely and mine were always well behaved and polite. we broke up in the past over the same themes. she missed me, knew i was a great dad and we got back togeether. the theme never really left though. she liked a sepperate life. her ex is in the restuarant business and was never around this is all she knew. i wanted to be more together and she was on board but the actions she showed often was contradicted. always things were on her terms! many things happened over these past weeks also i had me kids a lot cause my ex was traveling and had a feeling it would go south. it did. (my finace was used to every other weekend) she also likes a full schedule. if my kids did not spend so much time with me recently the would be no reason we would be having the problems we did. but they were excluded a lot. example, i pick them up saturday mornings. she invited me and her son to a friday dinner playdate at friends. i said sure it would be nice and my kids would enjoy it. (i had pick that fri, told her about it but she forget) when she relized i had mine the invite was retracted. during the recent debates with her. i brought that up. she said its not my place to impose on her friend with my kids. i would have included or ask. and if it was to much for the host i would have offered to move it to my place. but my kids were once again not considered and it was not nice in my eyes. was it wrong of her on this particular situation? i would never think to exclude!!! idk... many of these things just added up. felt i had little left to give. we dont live togther and were going to move in this summer. i just didnt feel right. being there 24/7 everyday for her son which i would have been happy to do. but the times i have my kids and they are not considered just gave me such resentment. feedback please...

Comments

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 8:53am

You guys just have different priorities. I think you did the right thing by breaking up with her since you two are so vastly different.

Personally though, about the playdate thing... I was raised to not bring guests (regardless of whether they were children or not) unless explicitly asked to, or if you asked and the host said yes. Even when there were going to be other kids around, my parents didn't bring us unless the host asked for us to come, my parents might ask but that was rarely since they took it as, if the host wanted to they would. That was kind of common courtesy and no one got upset over it. Maybe a difference in culture?

With your situation, I would have went first without your kids, get to know the other friends, and then bring up maybe next time you could bring yours too. Dunno, just my take on it. Ah well, I can see things like this not working out for the two of your because of the vastly different approaches anyway.

Good luck, time will tell.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 9:36am

Personally though, about the playdate thing... I was raised to not bring guests (regardless of whether they were children or not) unless explicitly asked to, or if you asked and the host said yes

Agree with this too. One time DH got pissed at me because BS3 and I were invited by a good friend of mine to come swimming at her house. SS13 happened to be with us (unexpectedly) that day and DH thought I should take him too. I told him that was rude, that I was not just going to bring someone that wasn't invited and my friend has never even met SS. DH thought I should just call her and ask, again, I thought that was rude, as that puts my friend on the spot. I ended up caving and asked my friend if SS could come and then when DH asked SS if he wanted to go, he said no so it turned out to be a battle over nothing anyway. Ugh!

The fact that you had not just 1, but 3 kids that you wanted to bring along is even more intrusive in my book. I agree that you probably should have gone first, by yourself, met the people, then broached the topic of your kids, thier ages, interests etc and let the hostess decide if she wanted to invite them in the future.

But I guess all of that is neither here nor there... maybe just food for thought for a future relationship you might be involved in.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 9:41am

Yup!

For my wedding, it was just close friends and family (the restaurant only had a certain amount of seats) and I have a best friend who mistakenly thought it meant she can bring her mom and brother and boyfriend so when she asked what they should wear, I had to correct her but I felt really bad. Never assume...

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 9:28am

I am sorry too. The best advice I can give you is what was given to me when I was going through my divorce. Six days from now, you'll still be hurting, but you'll be in a different place. Six weeks from now, you won't feel anything and you'll be in a different place. Six months from now, you'll be happy and in a better place.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 10:14am

your asking for feedback and I am not sure why.

it sounds like you have made a decision over the past week based on what you feel are deal breakers.]

now that you have made the decision you have to move forward. unfortuntely the feed back from us certainly wont change the deal breakers your referring to.

hang in there...Im sure you will be fine!

dad123's picture

Submitted by dad123 on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 11:22am

thanks. it sucks. but yes wont make contact and will start anew. it just so weird how this all went down. but it was always a battle. never a healthy forum to discuss feelings. the answers are clear though. just need to find someone a bit more the same.