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"Not my kid, not my problem"

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 12:15pm

I think we can all agree that we can feel this way about our skids. And many of us agree that BMs shouldn't have to care about our kids. So why were people upset that the guy was arrested at the hospital? Not BMs kid in the hospital, not her problem. Now if I'd been the bm, I'd have consulted my attorney instead, but bm shouldn't have to do anything or act any way for a kid she'll never meet. Not her kid, not her problem.

If we can feel and act that way about our sks, why can't that bm feel that way about her ex's kid?

Comments

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 12:41pm

Exactly. Having someone arrested at their kids hospital bedside is bitter BM crap.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 12:38pm

I don't even care about DH's kids. But I will not intentionally be mean or cruel to SS27 even if he is worthless. He's a human being so deserves at least some basic courtesy.

I dont' like strange dogs (but I loooooooove my dog) but I would never hurt a strange dog. (unless it was attacking mine)

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 12:45pm

Another q: How do you think this woman could/should have gone about trying to collect the CS she's legally entitled to per their court order/agreement?

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 12:51pm

I wouldn't have anyone arrested at any kid's hospital bedside either. What I do wonder, though, is what other ways this woman could have gone about collecting the CS she was/is legally owed.

PeanutandSons's picture

Submitted by PeanutandSons on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 12:55pm

I honestly doubt that dad was only six months in arrears and they were already pursuing him that hard. It takes years of non payment before my skids moms get a warrent and that is just put in the system in case they are picked up on something else....they don't actively look for them.

The state isn't going to drop everything at the word of a bm....if they wanted this guy so badly that they go to the hospital to find him, then more is going on than we are privy to.

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 1:03pm

My ex was arrested when he was one month in arrears. It happens more than you think.

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 1:06pm

Since it seems that you pick the type of loser that considers 6 months without pay a vacation, I really can't relate to you at all. My DH would be devastated if he lost his job and couldnt provide for his family.

However, if we use your logic, perhaps you should not have had children if you were not able to support and care for them on your own. Divorce and deadbeat moms and dads are not a new phenomenon.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 1:16pm

"I did NOT think that I could have another baby (which I really wanted to have another) and his CS would be lowered and things would be all peachy."

That's how I feel too- I do not have kids, but I work. I wanted to have kids with DH, but didn't think his CS could/would be lowered and things would be a-ok. I knew that, and knew that we couldn't afford to have kids at that point.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 1:13pm

if she could find out he was at the hospitale she could certainly have found out when he was available for pick up so to speak at another time. It's a spiteful move

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 1:23pm

"When a man loses his job in an intact family-we do not call him a deadbeat, piece of shit husband and father. In NORMAL cases-or well where the wife is normal, she picks up the pieces and pitches in. That may mean she finds employment, or they cut their budget, the kids go w/out things they typically did, everyone straps their belts and the whole family gets through it together, all making sacrifices."

The thing is, though, they're not an intact family. And we do not know if the BM works. She is not family with his younger kids, so she should not have to "get through it together, making sacrifices" for them. For her own kids? Yes, she should pick up the slack for them. But she shouldn't have to make sacrifices for some kid she'll never meet.

The channel she was going through, the case worker, failed to do her job, so BM may not have known he had gone from unemployed to being employed. Are you saying you feel she should have pickedup the phone and called the case worker to see what the deal is after seeing that FB post, instead of calling the police?

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 1:29pm

I always think its hilarious that these women think they will get child support from a jail cell. Then these men have a record, and its even harder to find a job. How does that help your kid??? Plus, their parent is in jail, and you have the emotional fallout from that.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 1:36pm

So what exactly are those "many" other channels this BM could have used to collect CS? Because it sounds as if the current one she is using (the case worker) sure is lousy.

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 1:41pm

Ummm... ASK the man if he has a job? Get his wages garnished? Get an attorney and take his tax return?

Do you really think jail is effective???

My ex was picked up and went to jail after one month. He owned his own business, so every day he sat there meant he WASN'T making any money, and therefore it was even harder for him to pay. How does that make sense to anyone?

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 1:58pm

I don't think jail is effective. But obviously, this case worker isn't too effective either. And as far as asking the guy, BM may not be speaking to him and vice versa. And she couldn't get his wages garnished, because the case worker failed to inform her that her ex just got a new job. So she couldn't get his wages garnished from his new job.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 1:37pm

*

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 1:26pm

Obviously you live in a world that is very different than mine.You are very ummm..imaginative.

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 1:32pm

My ex was arrested after one month. I didn't even have to do anything....he was in arrears and they put out a warrant.

Who was arrested for missing one child support payment? Or are you making things up again??

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 1:55pm

"he was in arrears and they put out a warrant."

And it sounds like they had a warrant out for this guy too. And we all know that most people do not willingly drive themselves to a police station to get arrested for anything.

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 1:59pm

And? the difference is, they picked my ex up-I didn't encourage it. I didn't see a FB status that his other kid was in the hospital and take that opportunity to have him arrested. I think its the height of stupidity to have someone arrested who is out of work and trying to find a job.

The fact that some posters think it is totally awesome that a kid had that happen to her daddy while she was in the hospital speaks volumes about their character. I have a feeling that the people that bitch the most create their own misery. if I was their ex? I would have run for the hills too.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 2:07pm

I don't think anyone thinks it is "awesome." I just think that if SMs should be allowed to think, "not my kid, not my problem," so should BMs.

And I'd like to know if this guy's wife is working to pick up the slack for her sons (his stepsons). If this guy's kid's BM should have to work to pick up the slack for her DD, shouldn't his wife have to work to pick up the slack for her sons?

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 2:12pm

I am a SM, and I can think "not my kid, not my problem" without actively seeking to hurt or damage a small child in the process. There is one poster in particular that was positively gleeful about it. I feel slightly dirty just having this discussion with people that think this is ok.

Ok, what if the SM works to support her kids? What's your point?

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 2:15pm

My point is that if BM should be working to support her kids, and have to make do with not getting any support from this guy, SM should be working to support hers without any support from this guy. Especially seeing as her sons aren't his.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 2:37pm

Someone mentioned something on this or another blog about the guy supporting his two stepsons.

MotherTrucker's picture

Submitted by MotherTrucker on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 2:14pm

I hate this "not my kid, not my problem" thing. So if you were walking by a child on the street and you saw them falling down, you wouldn't help them up? Or if you saw a child ready to hurt themselves, you wouldn't try and stop them? I agree with it is all about "compassion". I also feel it is human instinct to want to help.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 2:45pm

I'm sure the child this BM had with her ex is innocent too, and deserves CS from the father. How was BM supposed to get that CS? No, putting the guy in jail does not help. But the avenue she was already using, the case worker, wasn't working out for her.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 2:18pm

Anon why couldn't the Bm just pick up the phone or even respond to the fb post and ASK her ex what's up?? If she had done that this whole thing could have been avoided!! She CHOOSE to be a nasty heartless person and have him arrested in front of his sick child.

I have not recieved cs in I don't know how many years and I still couldnt/wouldnt do that to my ex.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 2:23pm

And he chose to bring other children into the world knowing he had CS obligations, and seemingly hefty ones.

Loads of blame seems to be being placed on this BM, and not enough on the case worker.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 2:38pm

Not if they can't afford it. CS doesn't get decreased overnight. And BM shouldn't have to make budget cuts because her ex is having subsequent kids, just like SMs income shouldn't be factored into Dad's CS order.

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 2:43pm

Wow. What if you could afford it when you had the kids,and then you lost your job? Should you turn the "new" kids over to the state, or just throw them out with the trash because now you can't afford them.

Or what if you decide not to have kids, but your new wife gets pregnant by accident? Should she get an abortion?

Geez. And who even started this discussion? The real point is that you think "not my kids, not my problem" is true in every sense of the word.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 2:56pm

"Wow. What if you could afford it when you had the kids,and then you lost your job? Should you turn the "new" kids over to the state, or just throw them out with the trash because now you can't afford them."

Then there's nothing I could do. I'd muddle through. But I wouldn't expect my husband's ex to make any sacrifices in the way of less CS for my kids. I'd take on one or more jobs, even if it meant I worked three jobs at various restaurants.

"Or what if you decide not to have kids, but your new wife gets pregnant by accident? Should she get an abortion?"

If that were to happen to me (and my husband and I have discussed this as anything is possible) we'd put that child up for adoption because we wouldn't be in a good financial situation to provide for the child, and like I said before, I don't think my husband's ex should have to make financial cuts/sacrifices in the way of less CS for kids they had no input in creating.

"The real point is that you think "not my kids, not my problem" is true in every sense of the word."

And so do some SPs on this board.

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 3:02pm

""The real point is that you think "not my kids, not my problem" is true in every sense of the word."

And so do some SPs on this board.

And that makes it ok? I just noticed you have scripture as your tag line. I am even more appalled. I am done with this conversation.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 2:45pm

So what? He's not allowed to have other kids? It's not like he wasn't paying when he had more kids. He LOST his job not something that was a for seeable thing. Come on have some compassion. He was doing what he was supposed to do and that counts for something. I would trek different if he wasn't paying but he was. That is a huge difference in this case.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 3:12pm

Anon thus is not that black and white and you know that. Each case is different and should be. You can't generalize all people in one catagory it doesn't work that way. Even I who have only gotten like a 100 ever so often still couldn't / wouldn't have a father arrested in front of his such child in a hospital. That was low very low and you know that. As I said before all she had to was conntact the father and find out that he has a job and would be getting cs soon. If she had have been a normal person she would have called him and said hey what's up. But nope she CHOOSE to do what she did.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 3:42pm

And like Mistress said, that cs money could have been the difference between this bm and her kid going hungry or eating.

This bm could have handled it better, but the cs she was supposed to get could be the money that ensures that her child eats. Even if she (bm) is working.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 4:05pm

I'm not saying the Bm shouldn't get cs or even try to get it but Damn why did she not just pick up the phone or send a fb mess. To the father ask what is up instead of KNOWINGLY have him arrested at the hospital in front of his sick kid! That's what pissed me off.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 5:42pm

I think the BM could have waited a bit before she tried the police avenue. At least until the child was in the clear. I think she has a right to get CS, but there's timing for everything.

I think of it this way--no matter how much I may hate BM, and think her kid is not my problem, if the kid, whether it was DH's or not, was in the hospital, and there was a warrant out for BM's arrest for ANY reason other than murder, rape, torture, or pedophilia, I would wait for another opportunity. As someone else said, it really boils down to compassion for other human beings, as well as a child who is innocent in it.

I think the judge of a person's character depends on how they treat their enemies, not their friends. I wouldn't kick a dog when it's down, no matter how many times its bitten me.

And I see that many of my fellow StepTalkers share that compassion, and for that I'm glad I'm part of this community.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 6:34pm

Because she is ALSO putting HER KID'S FATHER in JAIL and no, this is NOT best for THEIR OWN FREAKING KIDS.

I WISH EVERY woman who has EVER been on welfare while she had kids would have wound up in jail instead...THEN that would be fair.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/30/2013 - 6:40pm

"Because she is ALSO putting HER KID'S FATHER in JAIL and no, this is NOT best for THEIR OWN FREAKING KIDS."

Now that, I agree with. I feel that not enough people focused on that and instead focused too much on the hospital part, because we all know it is impossible for someone to catch up on cs while in jail. I also feel so many people got caught up in this guy's arrest at the hospital and did not focus enough attention on the faulty "job" the case worker did. That woman didn't do her job and I hope someone says something to her boss.