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  • Here's a Question: How do you totally disengage when your Step Child lives with you full time??

Here's a Question: How do you totally disengage when your Step Child lives with you full time??

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 2:39pm

I'm wondering how that is done..I've seen many posts on this site that state "not my kid not my problem" or "I've totally disengaged from my skids". I'm curious how that is done..

If you see your skids every other weekend then ok that's one thing but if they live with you full time..how is that possible?????

Z :?

Comments

somerg's picture

Submitted by somerg on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 2:54pm

how i disegage, "smom can we..." me: go as your father, or "we did this last week with bm" me: "that's nice"

i basically show absolutely ZERO interest in them or what they are doing when i disegage, disengaging does not mean you have to hide in the bedroom all weekend

just quit showing interest in them, if dh asks 'where are they' and i am disengaging my response is 'i don't know don't ask me' even if i DO know where they are.

Eagle Eye's picture

Submitted by Eagle Eye on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 3:14pm

My SS13 lives with us full time and I have for the most part disengaged from him. Yes I drive him to school, and occasionally take him to/fr soccer and that is basically it! I cook for the family so he eats and he puts his own dish in dishwasher.

I tried to get involved with his schooling/homework but that didn't seem to work and seemed DH resented my involvement. He was ok with me doing things for SS but I had no say in anything else. If I tried to set rules or something DH would I say I was picking on him. So now I take care of my BD13 and make sure she is doing what needs to be done. I am very involved with her and somehow we got into a groove that seems to be working for all of us.

BD loves my DH as her own father but me and SS13 really don't talk. It was awkward at first but now its like any other day.

I hope it works out for you!!

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Fri, 02/25/2011 - 9:17am

I want to say thank you for all your comments as I do appreciate them. I'm still very conflicted over this Sad

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Fri, 02/25/2011 - 10:15am

I don't think you truly can disengage from a child that resides in your home without losing your own self worth and in the process feeling like a visitor in your own home.

My thoughts are if my spouse wants his children to live with us, that child will be a part of our daily lives and as such will be expected to behave like any other child in the house. If they do not, both adults in the home have the autonomy to discipline said child. If my spouse disagrees with this, then his stuff will be on the lawn right beside hers.

This is really not a child issue. This is a marital issue. The adults HAVE to come with some kind compromise or else I truly believe the relationship will suffer and ultimately fail.

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Fri, 02/25/2011 - 10:22am

Ok see now totalybogus there is merit to your statement. I believe that if a child resides in your home how can you not engaged. My SD we only see EOW but she may be residing with us on a more permanent basis in the near future.

I cannot understand how we expect to have this generation of children grow up with morals, value, respect, honor, ambition, love ect...if we do not lead by example....

Like I said I simply trying to understand as I did hand over the reigns to my husband with his daughter but the I just couldnt sit back...I dont know I'm still finding this very difficult as my heart says one thing and my mind says another..

I guess as women we are wired to step in and just do, we are the caretakers and we jump in with both feet... Maybe it's not really the skids but some of the husbands and wives out there that do not want to relinquish their reign on their kids and let the stepparents be more involved....

Anyway thanks for listening as I'm simply thinking out loud.....

Again thanks.. Z

BabyDoll's picture

Submitted by BabyDoll on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 9:03am

I am really consider disengaging from my SS17 who lives in my home. His manipulations, playing BM against DH, have backfired. We got a telephone call from the school yesterday saying that SS17 had been involuntarily committed to a psych ward because he is unable to cope with the pressures of life. In other words, he got his report card and realized that he screwed his grades up so bad that he lost his $100,000 scholarship.

I would really like to disengage but the problem is the DH has never taken responsiblity for the skids. Before he married me, his mother assumed all responsiblity for raising his kids. When he was married to the BM, she was a stay at home mom. I need to do this for sanity sake but don't think I can do this without having maritial issues. Does anyone have any good advice?

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Tue, 04/10/2012 - 10:10am

HI BabyDoll, thanks for your response..

It seems to me that your DH is hiding his head in the sand and letting everyone else carry his burden and his reponsibilities..this is not right and what is the outcome...your SS's failing report card, his manipulations and who knows what else.. and to be very honest your DH has caused this by not being there for his son..

You probably should disengage but do it ever so lightly, maybe let DH deal with him when there is an issue.. just say DH I think you need to take the lead here...SS's grades..well tell DH that maybe he should tell his son that he will need to repeat that Grade in order to pass..but let DH tell his son.. make suggestions to DH but let him talk to his son and be the father...you can sit back and let him have all the stress.. Just my humble opinion..

Z