I need advice from those who love their husbands...
I love my husband. He is my second husband. He was my high school sweetheart. I thought I was too blessed to have him back in my life. My step daughter has been battering me since we married. For three years I took it without hitting back even once. I was abused as a child and have a hard time with hitting. Hitting or being hit. My problem is after finally getting the courage to call the police, my husband gave me the silent treatment. After finally getting the courage to press charges, SD was placed in juvie... twice. The final straw was a vacation where she gave me the worst beat down ever.
Hubbs has never given her consequences beyond words. I refused to return home after the vacation unless hubbs set me up in a different household. It's been 5 months. I have another lease for 5 more months. I gave hubbs a deadline to get SD counseling and him with a parenting coach. He has done nothing. He knows he will lose me. We have been house hunting for me to go on my own without him.
He is hurting me even more than SD. I was turning into someone I didn't even recognize the three years I allowed this to go on. I finally see that he is the one allowing this to happen... and I cannot stand the thought of him not in my life! I love him. But I deserve better. Because of my own violent abuse as a child, I seem to think I don't deserve better. As a Christian I am to love at all times. But as a human being, I am tired of the people who are supposed to protect me... not doing so. But how do I let him go? During this whole ugly situation I find myself clinging to him like a child clinging to their blankie. I am trying to rely on God more, but am really tired.
How do I do this thing I don't want to do? How do I end my relationship? Please tell me I am not alone here. SD's mother died (but DH was Mr Mom anyway and raised SD practically alone). SS is at college and is kind. Even if I wait the 4 years till SD is out of the house... she will still be in our lives. And I will always resent his lack of action to protect me. She has never had a consequence from DH. Only from me. I have told him he is throwing me away with both hands. He's not fighting to keep us together. He has told SD I am coming back and to get ready for it. But, I should not return to that home. I don't want to. I was abused there and it holds bad memories. I know SD will attack me again. I cannot live in fear anymore. The nightmares of my present and past are horrible. I have an excellent counselor that DH and I went to for a year to better parent SD. I now go alone.
I am grateful for one thing. I am so very glad my mother is not alive to see how unhappy life has turned out for me. It would break her sweet heart. She loved her husband too, but stayed way too long(19 years and 9 kids too long). I am her youngest. How can I love a man through this? Is there even a solution? GOD HELP ME!
- stepmom2011's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
How old is your SD. I need
How old is your SD. I need more info to give you my thoughts.
I was assuming about 14 -
I was assuming about 14 - based on the fact that OP says she has 4 more years?
Yes, she turns 15 in a few
Yes, she turns 15 in a few days. It took a lot for me to go against my husband's wishes and call the police. It took a lot for me to press charges the two times I did. DH talks about how HE has to pay 150/day for her to be at what he calls "club med" which is juvenile detention. He claims I am punishing HIM when I press charges. It took a lot for me to insist on living separately so he can get his house in order. 5 months later... he has done nothing. Nothing except tell SD I will be back and to get used to it.
When I finally stand up for myself and live apart from him... I am in tears every night when he leaves! He is here everyday. He doesn't want to be at the house with her either and feels so guilty about it.
PROBLEM: I LOVE MY HUSBAND! Logic tells me to run. My heart tells me to wait. I told him he has till September to get his house in order. My heart is breaking because I don't think he will do anything or put anything in place to protect me. The first time she attacked me she was 11yo and pushed me down the stairs. This last time, because it was out of state while on vacation, the charges I pressed didn't matter. But I had three bald spots on my head and bruises and scratches from that beat down. He talked me into getting back into the car and driving through the desert to Las Vegas! I let him talk me into/out of soooo much! I immediately went back to my sister's and pressed charges and stayed in Arizona.
What do you do if you love your husband? Because I love mine. Not because I don't think nobody else would love me but because of who he is. He's a gentle heart. Passive. Won't hurt a fly... even to protect me! Can't stand disciplining his daughter. She is horrible to him, and he just takes it. I think he has been battered by her since she was old enough to punch. He says she has always been this way. I don't care... learn to parent or lose me... that's what I said. I need support to actually go through with it.
Thank you for your hug.
Thank you for your hug.
This is what I'm afraid of.
This is what I'm afraid of. SD14 and SD18 are taller and stronger than me, and I know they're capable of doing something like this. SD12 isn't safe for me either.
I'm so sorry you went through that.
I understand you love your husband, I love mine too. I should leave but I can't. I can't help you, but I can say that I am so sorry and I feel for you. Please don't let them hurt you anymore.
Your DH is convinced you ARE
Your DH is convinced you ARE going to return home with him and live with sd. He is telling you this with both his actions and words = telling sd that you are returning home and to get used to it, and doing nothing to tackle your sd's violence.
IMO the problem exists because although you have left your marital home you continue to co-habit with your DH at your own rental home as if nothing has happened. I am assuming you are having intercourse, being intimate and acting like a married couple? Then ofcourse this man is deluded, YOUR actions are providing the message that although you have fled the situation you will continue to provide DH with a partner, company and sex. He therefore has *lost* very little and in fact likely has had more peace since you left then if you lived in the same house as sd 24/7, because she isn't going off of the deep end and you are not bemoaning the fact you are being abused by this child.
You REALLY need to send a stronger message. Right now you are seriously considering leaving your relationship perm and rightly so imo, so you have nothing to lose. Another poster pointed this out - leave your DH alone with sd, make yourself more unavailable, stop having sex with him and withdraw from DH. Build a new life for yourself as a security measure in case your marriage ends in divorce (which I would definitely advise you to do if your DH doesn't DO something and soon). You have 5 months to assess whether this man is willing to commit to your marriage, it takes two people to make a marriage work and if he content with blaming you (the victim) for his DD's violence then sorry this man is not the one for you.
Unfortunately all you both are doing is perpetuating the same cycle because you both have not changed how you manage this situation. YOU are just as responsible for change as DH. Yes, he needs to be the one dealing with sd however YOU need to stop allowing your DH access to his wife when he refuses to act like your husband.
He needs to know what his life will be like without you in it, NOW before your time is up. So stop talking to him, texting him, letting him come round. Be busy, make a life with friends and family and tell him he needs to show you he is willing to fight for you by sorting out his DD.
I also think counselling for you both would be beneficial.
If DH is unwilling to do anything to help your marriage and his DD then this guy is not for you, and his "love" is abusive and twisted. Love means you protect that person, you care for their welfare and happiness. Your DH loves himself more because he doesn't even love his child enough to get her the help she needs - beating you up is not normal, the amount of anger she has is not normal. SD NEEDS help, but your DH prefers to turn the other cheek in the face of his child and wife's cries for help.
Give him that reality check and pull your big girls panties on NOW before its too late!
Thank you for chiming in
Thank you for chiming in here. "I should leave but I can't" You are speaking my language. I did get out, but I am not gone. Living apart has shown me that I can do this, but it is VERY HARD! I am also very sorry you do not feel safe either. It is a horrible feeling to live in fear. I am trying not to let them hurt me anymore. Trying, and failing.
I have not seen SD since she beat me in October. Her birthday is Saturday. I wish I could be there! Bake her cake, pick out her presents, and write her a note as I do on all special occasions. She will go out with her father, and play the new video game he bought her. How sad. But it has to be this way. I will not go there and act like nothing happened... which is what DH wants me to do. Next time I see her is confrontation time.
Thank you for sharing your heart with me.
I would strongly suggest
I would strongly suggest counseling for you. You need to realize that, despite your DH's efforts to turn YOU into the guilty party (I have to PAY when you call the cops on SD), you are the victim. HE could have kept from paying at any time by doing the one thing that husbands are SUPPOSED to do....STAND UP AND PROTECT HIS WIFE!
Is there anyone else in the world he would stand by and watch beat up his wife?
You need counseling to realize that you do NOT deserve this and YOU are the only one who seems to want to put a stop to this.
He is practicing DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-a...
Yes, I am in counseling. My
Yes, I am in counseling. My exit plan goes into effect in September when this lease is up. DH and I have a house where he now lives with SD. I live in an apartment. DH and I are house hunting for a little place of my own. No more apartments. It will be in my name alone. If he doesn't force SD into counseling and get a parenting coach all in place by September, then we will legally separate with no contact. He will learn what life is like without me to love him through it.
I've been to the lawyer. Either way, I am moving on... with or without him. I will move into my own place that will be paid for, that I can maintain financially without him. The big house is too much for me to take care of financially alone. I've been to the lawyer. Wrote up the terms of the legal separation. He is willing to do all that is asked (because it is not much). DH worries because I have a disability which makes it hard to work. I have been a housewife. I have a BS in Child Development and a MA in Counseling. I know how this works... I just can't make my heart keep up!
I wish I could show you this man. I wish I could explain all the ways he has helped me. I wish I could show you his heart. He is quiet, shy, too kind, and has a heart of gold. Torn between what he promised his late wife (to take care of SD) and his promises to me when we married (our vows).
My exit plan is in place... but I want my miracle. I want to be there for SD for her last three years of high school. I love her and she is troubled. She cannot keep friendships. My heart breaks for her even though I am afraid of her. I know I sound crazy. But, being in the middle of it means my view is def skewed! Please pray for my miracle to happen. That DH learns to parent SD appropriately and keeps it in place so I can go home. I want to go home.
DARVO? Looked it up... awesome. Yes, he does this to some degree. Now I know how to counter it. Thank you! Thank you all for just listening. Didn't we all marry our significant others (marry or live with, either way) because we loved them? Remember the honeymoon phase. I am still there. I still feel so lucky to have him in my life after all these years... my high school sweetheart! The one I dreamt of marrying! He is a battered parent. He has had it 100X worse than me. He is a push-over, pacifist, and gentle man. But I need him now. I need him to fight for our marriage. His daughter needs him to parent her with guidelines. If he can't do these things then I deserve better.