Husband has said the words I dreaded
Hello everyone.
This is my first post here on Steptalk. I don’t know if I’m posting in the right place, but I’m currently sobbing in my bedroom and desperately trying to understand what I should do.
My my husband is 12 years older than me. I was previously unmarried with no children. He is divorced with 3 children, ages 12, 8 and 7.
Marrying my husband was a huge risk. Ivied to America leaving everything behind and my visa is not yet finalized.
Aside from very occasional spats, we have a good marriage. Money is tight for him at times, but I’ve always managed to see us through. My three step children have a multimillionairess for a mother. She does not love them and has told me so. Bio mom is a selfish woman who cheated on my husband with multiple men.
My husband is a good father. He’s also my best friend and usually has my back 100%.
Tongohf, we had our first fight with the children in the house. We make our best efforts not to ever have any disagreements in front of the kids and we are always courteous of one another.
Tonight, we had a quiet disagreement in the kitchen. Our (his) youngest was watching from her bedroom and asked why I was crying. I said that I had bad news about my grandmother and that everything was ok.
I then went to the bedroom to cry and compose myself as I was still angry at my husband.
My husband came in and gave me his deep, quiet voice which he does when he means business. I should state that he has never been abusive. He got right in my face and told me that if I ever make such a scene in front of HIS kids again, he wouldn’t hesitate to kick me out. I stood up for myself and said the kids were OURS and that I pay half the rent and most of the utilities. He can’t kick me out.
He said again to stay away from HIS kids. He’s now downstairs with the children and I’m alone upstairs wondering what to do.
Im terrified he’s going to use this argument down the line and every fight will cause a Yours/Mine debate. It’s taken me everything I have to be a good step mother. I treat them kindly and pay for many things. I love them dearly and they love me too. I love my husband ferociously and I know he loves me too, but I cannot allow myself to be rolled like this.
Please help.
None of this makes any sense to me
You indicate your visa is not yet finalized, so how long have you been married? And no, the kid sare not "ours." He may have been wrong, but you are nuts. Those kids are not ours
If he wanted you out, unless the lease is in your name solely, a court would likely let him take over the lease, but it does not sound like he could pay it.
We’ve been married for almost
We’ve been married for almost a year. He wasnt able to pay the sponsorship fee for my visa and I wasn’t allowed to sponsor myself, despite being a high earner. We had to find a member of his family who was willing to stand as my sponsor - basically a guarantor to say that if I ever become unemployed, I won’t be a burden to society.
Right now I have no SS, no car and no healthcare. I’m not entitled to it until my visa is finalized. I’m also not allowed to leave the country, otherwise I’m issued with a 10 year travel ban to the USA. It’s a bit of a mess. I get paid via my managers in the UK and I transfer the money here where I pay for a lot for my husband and kids. He always told me these kids are ‘ours’. To treat them like they’re my own and to love them like they’re from my body - which I have done and which I do. That’s what makes it harder to deal with when we argue and he decides ‘our’ kids are no longer ours, but his.
He could probably take over
He could probably take over the lease if they were to separate but he cannot throw her out that easily. Even if her name isn't on the lease, in many states you cant throw someone out without evicting them if they can prove its been their residence. It is a long, sometimes tedious process to throw out a person who doesn't want to leave.
Besides, I think the main problem isn't his threat to throw her out, but his controlling nature. People who love each other don't use force and coercion to control someone. Threatening to throw her out or shutting her out of family time is not healthy. He sounds like he may have some control issues.
"You don't like how I care
"You don't like how I care for you and them, you know where the door is. Don't EVER think you get to dictate my life because you have children. Remember, I don't NEED you. I WANT you. You are A CHOICE. And you behaving this way is making me reconsider my choice. Go be with your children and leave me be."
I usually don't say this, but he is gaslighting you. And I would lose my sh*t if my husband ever used "dad voice" on me like yours did to you.
You're an adult. Not a child. He doesn't get to tell you what to do. If he doesn't like how you behave around his children, then HE is the one responsible for protecting his kids by keeping them from you.
Don't hold up in your room. Go do as you wish in your own home. Show him you won't be pushed around.
Your response really
Your response really resonates with me. I’ve poured every ounce of who I am into this family and I’ve done it without any help. It’s not easy to do what I do for a living and have a healthy home life but I try so hard. I really do. Most days we have balance and I feel there are no stipulations to our relationship. Most days I feel worshiped and most days my husband is a dream. When we are harmonious, it’s like nothing else. The children tell me how much they’re so happy for Daddy andme and they want to include me in everything. They seek me out and want my attention and love. They’re sweet and wise beyond their years.. sometimes when we fight I think my husband wants to push me away because he thinks i’ll Inevitably leave. If he’s not more respectful in the future and if he continues to gaslight me, I will walk away. I’m not afraid of starting again, but it would be the biggest loss and shame of the century at the same time..
Don't let it get to a next
Don't let it get to a next time. Tell him NOW that his behavior is unacceptable, even if he thinks what you did was wrong.
Every couple has arguments/fights. That's not a bad thing in a relationship. But every couple who wants to last has to learn how to fight fair. Verbally stripping you of your place in the family is not fair. He just told you that he *thinks* he has the power to move your place around all because he has kids.
Having kids doesn't make him team captain or the coach. He doesn't get the power of telling YOU what to do. He does have the right to tell you when he thinks your fighting tactics or behaviors are hurtful to him/his kids/your relationship. But telling you that is done to give you a CHOICE to change or not change your behavior, or to compromise/discuss why that behavior was exhibited. If he is unhappy, his choice is to leave, not mentally or physically beat you into submission.
You are his EQUAL. His kids don't give him more power, just more reaponsibility.
Lastly, a relationship that is great 90% of the time can still be a bad relationship because of the other 10%. If a man were to only hit his partner every once in a while, or only bet their entire savings account a few times a year, or only cheated on her a few times when things were rough, or only yelled at her when he was *really* angry, would it be okay? No. Sometimes, the actions committed in that 10% are bad enough to erase the other 90%. I'm not saying that is the case for you, but don't think that just because it is *mostly* good that it's the same as being good enough. I can tolerate a lot of BS, but I have like-in-the-sand dealbreakers that I'd leave the best relationship ever over. Love isn't enough to sustain an adult relationship.
Don't let this fester. Talk about this. If you let this go, then all you do is move your line of what is and isn't acceptable a little further away from where you're comfortable.
This is such an eye opening
This is such an eye opening comment. It’s not easy to read, but I appreciate it.
Youve articulated some emotions and thoughts I’ve had but have found hard to really verbalize. Thank you for giving me the understanding of what is going on and what he needs to hear from me. I’m going to suggest a meeting on neutral ground tonight so we can talk openly about this. I hope he will communicate with me. He usually does, but he has to hear me out too. I won’t allow him to berate me or gaslight me. I only learnt what gaslighting was because of one of the earlier replies on this thread. I had to google the meaning but I understand it now. A part of me thinks that he *is* gaslighting me as a way to protect himself, which isn’t fair.
Your husband doesn't know how
Your husband doesn't know how good he has it.
My husband had to practically force me to consider SD my own. I was very adamant that she was HIS kid, not OURS. We actually had to break up and get back together before I accepted that they're a package deal. He was always trying to include me in their time together, get me involved, and make me feel part of the family.
If he EVER did ANYTHING to make me feel left out or like a third-wheel in my own house on purpose, that would be the end of ANYTHING I did for my SD. No way in hell would I put my time, resources, and effort into a child that I'm told isn't mine in a malicious way. We, as stepparents, realize the kid(s) aren't ours. We know that. But there is something incredibly cold about saying it and putting you on the outside when you're being expected to help raise them.
That’s really honest. And yes
That’s really honest. And yes, it was cold to say. Like thanks.. I moved country and gave up free healthcare for you. I left my family behind and our money into clothes, food and toys for the children. But it’s okay to tell me they’re not *mine* when you’re angry.
Nope. That’s not ok.
Well..
there’s so much bullshit here I don’t even know where to start.
-it doesn’t matter what your elderly DH has said/done in the past to be “inclusive”. He has drawn the line in the sand and spoken his true mind about your place in that family. Believe him, stop paying for children who are not yours. And remember how you feel right now when he comes back next week, sucking up for your money and babysitting.
-those aren’t your kids. Stop putting so much of yourself into them. Also, don’t lie to them about your tears. “Why are you crying?” “It makes me sad when daddy and I disagree.”
-so this man had kids with an independently wealthy woman and is now married to a famous and wealthy woman. Is he also famous/rich? Either he’s really good at using people or his ego is getting a good beating.
-it doesn’t matter how you earn your money. Imagine your fan base as your boss at work. Whatever decision your husband made that effects your fan base is the same as peeing on your boss at the company party. You have the right to defend yourself and your livelihood. F*ck his sanctimonious gaslighting.
-go talk to a good lawyer tomorrow. Tell them exactly what happened, that he threatened to throw you out of the marital home. Start the process of protecting your investment in the house and your earnings. Don’t just sit around crying waiting for Mr. Tantrum-baby to twist your arm some more to ensure compliance to his spoiled demands.
He is not famous to most
He is not famous to most people but he has a brilliant brain and made huge leaps in his field about 10 years ago.
Being older than me he’s sort of.. old news I suppose. And I’m very new and groundbreaking in many ways. He’s not rich. He sometimes saves his pennies so he can get coffee. His work is seasonal, but for the most part he pays half of everything. He is extremely supportive of my work and has tried to open doors for me. I have never let him do this as i believe that I should open my own success doors. I never want to feel that I owe my success to anyone but me. Interestingly, because he *is* a man, people assume he is the secret to my success, which is laughable. We laugh about it together and he doesnt take any credit for my work or impose on my scene, which is why when he *does* poke his nose in on the very seldom occasion, like last night, things become testy.
I believe his ex married him as a rebellion. He’s a cheeky, handsome man with a voice like velvet and a hug/embrace that could melt anyone. Hes extremely loyal to the point where if I asked him to cover me for hiding a body, he’d do it and take it to the grave. He makes me feel safe and when I am having doubts about myself and want to hide in bed and feel sorry for myself, he’ll hug me, pull me out of bed and make sure I do *something* healthy or productive just to beak my mental state. That’s why it hurts so much when we are at odds. All that positive and loving energy turns into an attack, and when we go to war, we go to war. I swear if you say in the corner of the room as we had our worst argument, you’d probably get burned from the heat.
You’re so right about the need to protect my finances. I have never question if the money was ‘mine’ or ‘ours - including the kids’. I will be speaking to my lawyer on Monday to learn more about my options. Just in caseZ
Also..
thank goodness, another anime fan! Welcome to the party.:)
I wish we still had signature
I wish we still had signature boxes because I would put Kamina's quote from Gurren Lagann:
Don't believe in yourself. Believe in me. Believe in the me who believes in you.
I have major issues with this man telling you to
Love his kids like they came out of your body. They didn’t. He wants to play imaginary happy family when it suits him but really they are his kids... it seems he is enjoying you paying for majority of everything because as a father and “man of the house” he has failed to do this and you paying for these majority of things is a choice, not necessity
It does seem that he wants to
It does seem that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. “Treat my kids like they came out of your body”, but when he gets upset, he gets to take that back and throw in your face that they didn’t actually come out of your own body and are not your kids.
I think it’s great that you have done so well treating them as your own, but this exact scenario is why it is really hard for a SM to maintain that kind of relationship with skids. And they are not your own, so perhaps mentally putting them in a different, more realistic category will help you handle this better. Or at least save yourself some hurt. Not that you should accept your DH’s bullshit, because hellll no.... My SO tried to dad-voice me once, in front of the skids no less (we also don’t fight in front of skids usually). I told him right in front of skids that I am not a child and he will not talk to me like that. I was so dead-serious when I said it he just sat there in shock and didn’t say another word. I don’t back down either. If I were you I would have left the house and done something else. Let him stew on that a bit. Either way, A serious talk is in order.
Good luck and keep us posted.
I think I have a false or
I think I have a false or rose tinted idea of what stepmotherhood should be. I don’t want to make the children see me as ‘step’ mum. I just.. want to be me and for us all to be harmonious.
Nobody in my family is a step parent or divorced. Nobody in my family has ever moved country to be with someone, and nobody in my family has ever been in an age gap relationship or been famous. It’s all a lot to navigate :/
Nah
stop worrying about the age gap unless he’s 29 and you’re 17.
You seem very nurturing and thoughtful. But these kids have two parents. It’s not your job to take up the slack if one or both of those parents aren’t doing their job. As you just discovered, no matter how much love and support you pour into these kids, your relationship with them can be terminated in a split second. It’s a sad, cynical way to view this situation but it’s also needful to protect yourself.
I’ll be honest, your husband
I’ll be honest, your husband getting in your face really concerned me. You say he’s not abusive, but that kind of behaviour is meant to be intimidating, and it’s never, ever ok. I’m not saying he’s abusive, but that’s something you need to pay attention to.
I agree with the others about the ‘ours’ kids things. They aren’t, and he’s just proved that with his comment to you. He also needs to understand he can’t ‘dad voice’ you when you do something he doesn’t like, you aren’t a child. He doesn’t get to ‘pull rank’ on you like that because there’s no effing rank to pull. You are his equal, and if he doesn’t like what you’ve done (which he was a part of, funny how it was all your fault though), then he can talk to you about it as an equal. That’s what partners do.
Take care of yourself girl. You need to be your biggest advocate, don’t let him bully you & keep your eyes wide open about behaviours like the ones he’s displayed. Keep us posted & good luck with your visa!
Thank you for being honest.
Thank you for being honest. It really does help. Im really fantastic with advice for others, but when I try to help myself I can’t see what I’m supposed to do. It’s always so helpful to have an outside perspective.
Youre right. Getting in my face and talking down to me is a horrible thing to do and it’s not ok at all. He hasn’t done it before, but there’s always a ‘first’ time. I will let him know tonight when we have our chat that that *will* be the last time he’s afforded that much patience, and that if we are going to make this marriage work, we need clearer, absolute boundaries on what is acceptable and expected. Both in our relationship and in our roles as parent and step parent.
We havent really spoken today, but he did hint that he was going to leave the children here with me while he goes to work a last minute job. I refused and told him that until we define our roles, I will not be baby sitting. He seemed a bit shocked and instead has taken the kids to their cousins house for a play date. I feel terrible because they love being with me and we do fun things together, but he needs to know that I will push back when he is taking advantage.
Nope
dont feel terrible about anything. You did exactly the right thing. Good for you!:)
I'm getting a narcissistic
I'm getting a narcissistic vibe from your description of this guy. He's wonderful as long as everything is going the way he wants it to go, and manipulative and semi-abusive when it isn't. He attaches himself to famous/wealthy women (making himself look good and important). Once you cross him he's demeaning and insulting, tears down your self-esteem, and tries to hurt you in the most significant way (your profession). Perhaps he feels that he has control over you because of the visa issue.
I'd rethink this entire relationship - I think you are being used.
Well
from what I’ve seen of famous people, there seems to be a theme of self doubt, anxiety and a need for constant positive reassurance. OP mentioned that she excels in something her DH wanted to do. Perhaps he has that same “artist” temperament but without the fame to mitigate a pretentious, oversized ego that needs to be constantly fed. And I’m not saying you have an ego, OP. You seem absolutely lovely and my heart breaks a bit for you.
i wonder if he was deliberately trying to hurt OP’s career and is embarrassed that he was caught at it. Sorry, Joe Average, you aren’t as ninja as you thought you were.
I don’t think he’s trying to
I don’t think he’s trying to hurt my career. He’s helped me make good decisions and if I need him at my side for an event he will step back and let me shine. He never tries to compete with me.
But, he has an ego. A big one. It’s almost deserved because he does truly have a brilliant mind, but that’s no excuse for talking down to me the way he did yesterday. I won’t be letting that go and I will be addressing it with him tonight.
Yes and no.
Yes and no.
He never took up offers from his ex. She was going to buy him a fancy car and he refused, opting instead to work and purchase his own vehicles. He also never showed off his (her) mansion. Nobody would have ever known the luxury he lived in.
He isn’t ever derogatory to me, but he has a cutting side where if he’s feeling hurt he can be very spikey. I wonder if he is feeling jealous or somehow more desperate than usual because I’ve just hit another big milestone in my career. I’m going to talk with him tonight.
A breakthrough I think..
I had what I think was a breakthrough with my DH this morning, and I want to thank you all for helping me articulate what I wanted to.
I called DH into our bedroom where I lit a nice scented candle and put on the twinkling lights above our bed. I had him come and sit with me and hold my hand as I read out a long message I wrote.
By by the end of it, he was in tears (he’s not a crier) and he had an open chat with me about why he rounded on me the way he did. He said he saw my emotional outburst infront of his daughter as a threat to her emotional development. Our house is peaceful normally and he can’t apologize for coming down on me hard because he has to protect the children from anyone and anything that he sees is a threat.
He was sorry that it hurt me and agrees that we both should have been kinder in how we dealt with the arguement. He showed me a text from the eldest SS11 who wished me happy Mother’s day and wants to celebrate on Tuesday when I see them next. He just didn’t show it to me earlier because he forgot.
My husband said he will endeavor to pay more of the bills and will ask me in advance if I want to look after the kids alone if he has to work. There will be no repercussions if I cannot or do not wish to look after them.
He also said he’d be ok with me purchasing a house and keeping it in my name. That when he’s doing better financially I can choose to add him to the lease if he has the ability to buy himself into the property.
He assured me that in his heart I am a mother to his children, and we’re bkth comfortable referring to the children as ‘ours’ but with the understanding that I have no financial obligation above what I expressly wish to make.
Time will tell
I’m going to paste what I read out to him below in case it helps anyone else
Oh, and happy Mother’s Day xxx
I’m writing this instead of verbalizing how I feel because recently it’s been harder for me to talk to you openly. I feel like I can only approach you with happy, loving or lighthearted things. When I want to talk about harder things I feel like you pull away and make it awkward in the hopes that I let these issues go. Usually I do because I hate having discord in our life.
The other day when we got into a heated discussion about how your prank made me feel, you said some things I don’t think I can ever ‘unhear’ from you.
I should not have been so emotional in front of (name Omitted), but I quickly called her in to the room to ease her mind and let her think there was something wrong with my grandma, rather than anything to do with us.
I’ve always felt sure in thinking that your stories to me of how close you were to (name Omitted of DH’s stepfather) meant that you truly meant it every time you’ve called the children ‘ours’.
Against all the advice from my friends and family, I stopped calling the kids my ‘step’ kids, and called them my bonus kids. I did this to try and encourage more warmth and unity in ‘our’ family, and to make the children feel more accepted and welcome, as opposed to being tolerated by their fathers wife.
I want us to have a talk about clearly defining our roles.
The very fact that I worry about even voicing or emailing you this message tells me that we have a communication problem. We shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around each other, and I shouldn’t worry that every time we fight you’re going to try and verbally strip me of my place in this family and threaten to make me leave our home.
Being your wife, you do not have the right to throw me from our home. I spoke to an immigration lawyer immediately after our fight and he has advised that if I were to be thrown from the home during a spat or of this threat is used against me as leverage for your personal gain, I would be justified and entitled to seek other accommodation and proceed with my visa application as a ‘battered spouse’ as this treatment and threat is deemed ‘extreme cruelty’ by the USCIS.
This, honestly, is a relief, because i have appeased you in the past, worrying that if we fought badly, my efforts, financial and emotional investment in our family, and the time away from my family in Europe would be in vain.
I hate that I feel the need to legally protect myself. I hate that we do not have the happier home we had not even a week ago, and I hate that I cannot unhear your voice or unsee your face when I told you the children were ‘ours’ and you told me over and over again they were only yours.
I did some more research and sought council from others in a similar situation to myself. I’ve come to the realization that you’re right. The children *are* yours. I didn’t birth them or raise them and no matter how much I kid myself that they’re ‘our’ children, they never truly will be.
No matter how much I desperately want that to be the case, it can’t be.
It’s really lonely to be a stepmom. Especially on days like today, which is Mother’s Day. I’m not entitled to any acknowledgement, but I share living space with three children, pick up after their mess, invest in new, nicer clothes for them which seem to disappear to their mothers house and seldom come back. I pay fair rent and bills, have covered large expenses like Christmas, and I praise you as much as possible in front of the kids. I’ve sometimes been the only reason we have heating oil and I’ve had the electricity turned back on after it was cut off because you didn’t pay the bill. I’m all too aware today that if my body could have carried a baby, we might be parents together and I might be a real mother. Which I’m not. I’m not really a full anything to anyone in this family which emotionally very difficult. I’m stepmom and second wife, despite giving this all my best as if i were your first wife and mother to your children.
I always try to be kind and compassionate to them in the way their own mother isn’t. I think of the future and am willing to put money for our wedding - the only one I will ever have - aside for ‘our’ family because in my opinion a stable house for US is more important than being a bride.
I never complain that I take on over my share of bills for a home which often has children in it. I’ve always been happy to split 50/50, rather than 60/40 or even 70/30.
It’s emotionally isolating at times to be a stepmother. It’s been hard to live through the spats and issues you have with their biological mother. It’s hard to see the kids upset and I try my best to surround them with love, despite understanding they are not my children, never have been and clearly never will be.
Going forward with housing, I’ve been advised that I should not share future house purchases with you, as in a spat, the person with children has more of a right to remain in the house. Because you do not have full custody, this would be a grey area, and any such fights would be costly and lengthy for us both.
So much of our love has been trust and lots of leaps of faith. I have taken many leaps of faith with you in coming to America and becoming your wife and a step mother.
You’ve taken a leap of faith that I will not hurt your children, which is never my intention or goal. They are precious to me despite not being mine.
I want to be able to talk openly with you. And what I want you to know is that I always have and do love and support you - I believe in you which is why I married you. You’re an amazing father.
But. Being a father doesn’t make you the captain of our house. Having children doesn’t make you more important than me in the house. We are a team, and in this marriage we are equals. Beings father doesn’t give you more power to dictate our marriage, but being a father does give you more responsibility. Responsibilities I was happy to share, such as baby sitting on Saturday’s, until you told me these children are not mine. We will have to figure out a more suitable schedule on Saturday’s, because i do not want a power struggle in our marriage whereby the children are only ‘ours’ when it’s convenient for you, or until we fight.
I love you with all my heart, and i want to make this work, but I cannot allow myself to continue swallowing my feelings, afraid that it adds to your stress - because I’m already as placid and flexible as possible for this family, and since our fight I feel like I’m ready to shatter.
"He assured me that in his
"He assured me that in his heart I am a mother to his children, and we’re bkth comfortable referring to the children as ‘ours’..."
Please stop. You're starting to sound creepy.
Don’t get a house even if it
Don’t get a house even if it is just in your name..... if you divorce he still gets half. This situation sounds very fragile and volatile- full of chaos and drama all around from every which angle.
The kids are 12, 8 and 7
EX has money to fight him in court. Why would a court ever change child agreement? Unless BM makes the news as the Happy Hooker. At the age your SK are and having an active BM and G father. You will never replace her. BM will always walk on water.
All the kids will see that you took away all there wealth, good expensive toys, eating out at expensive restraints ect. I can see you asking SK to pick up something. Them saying At BM the maid did that !
Actually if you took me away from that life, I would not be happy with you
Sounds like he wants to have
Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants you to play mommy and foot the bill for him and his kids, but doesn't want you to have any actual authority. Typical disney dad.
Here's the thing. No matter how much you care for the kids, they are not your kids and that fact will probably be thrown in your face more times than you can count in the coming years. Its part of being a stepmom, unfortunately.
I recommend you stop doing any parenting duties you may be doing, and for god sakes do not put his name on your house. Speak to a lawyer asap as well - you need to protect yourself and your finances.
DH is not your equity life
DH is not your equity life partner. You have too much to lose. Your career, your happiness, etc...
His intimidating insulting crap tells me more htan I care to know about him.
As a celebrity your choice of partner has far more significant impact on your life than it does on more main stream people. Though no one should tolerate the kind of crap you describe your DH perpetrating.
I think that you have a difficult path to navigate.
Take care of you and good luck.