Step kid poop - am I overreacting!?
PLEASE tell me if I’m overreacting.
I have three stepkids. A boy who is 13, another boy who is 9 and the youngest is a girl who is 7.
Every Saturday morning I consistently wake up to poop covered tissues in the bathroom waste basket. I find poop on my handtowels and of course the basin is BONE DRY so I know hands haven’t even been washed.
From asking the kids over and over, there are two poop culprits - the eldest and the youngest. They both believe that poop tissues go in the waste basket because that’s what they do at their mothers house. Their mother is a multi billion dollar trust fund baby who is not really around and wouldnt correct bad behavior if her life depended on it.
The eldest doesn’t realize that this behavior is disgusting and my divorced husband (their father) only sees them at the weekend and says he doesn’t want to ruin his time with them by having to tell them off. He doesn’t correct them. He just cleans up after them, throwing away numerous hand towels and toilet brush scrubbers that I BUY because I like nice things and if left to him he’d replace with school grade hand towels.
The middle son went through a phase of hiding gum under all the couches (which I bought) and only corrected his behavior when my new puppy got the gum caught in his fur and I made my stepson use his pocket money to pay for the groomer to fix the problem.
The youngest girl is very slobby too. She picks her nose and wipes booger’s on the walls absent mindedly. She also wipes her behind after going potty and puts the tissues in the waste basket rather than flushing.
When I get upset about this (always in private because I go to their father first) my husband just tells me I’m overreacting and that this is what kids do. I tell him it’s not fair not to educate these kids - the eldest can’t even tie a shoelace because everything is always simplified for him - his shoes all have Velcro so he doesn’t get taught how to tie a shoe lace.
When I found poop everywhere this morning I told my husband about it and I told him to TEACH and explain to the kids WHY they have to flush and how unhealthy it is to have their habits. He snaps at me saying he doesn’t want to give them a complex and they get yelled at enough by their mom that if we are just consistent in telling them to use the toilet bowl for the tissues instead ‘they’ll eventually get it’.
I literally want to throw up. It’s still hot and the first thing I smell in the house when i wake up in the beautiful home I PAID FOR AND FURNISHED is human poop. It kills me that I feel like a mean person for getting upset over this. I have no kids of my own so I don’t know what level of kid poop is acceptable.
I lost it this morning when my husband tried to cover for this mornings poop incident. I usually back down and am the ‘understanding’ kind of stepmom, but today I didn’t back down and I pulled my husband into the bedroom and told him he has to FIX this at the source and TEACH these kids how to wipe and flush. He says he tried but since leaving the home all those years ago nobody cares for the kids or teaches them. I still stood my ground and told him FIX it because I’m not living in like this anymore.
I feel bad bad because I love the kids in my own way. They’re sweet to me, respectful and always obedient when I ask them to do something, but these habits really get me down in a huge way. I can’t deal with it. I literally want to throw up when I see all the poop everywhere because they can’t wipe and they clog the toilet and try to fix it by smearing it everywhere until you can’t see it anymore, hoping they won’t get in trouble.
OMG, that's really gross. No,
OMG, that's really gross. No, you aren't overreacting. I would have zero respect and love for a man who doesn't care that his THIRTEEN-year-old child doesn't know how to wipe and flush properly. Those are the basics, they should be pretty well cemented by age 4.
To me, this kind of lazy, guilty parenting is a form of emotional neglect, every bit as bad as what he claims BM is doing. If she's a lousy parent, then he has to be the good one, but instead, he's afraid to be a parent because then they won't "like him" anymore.
This would eventually be a deal breaker for me - not just the skids' poop, but his crappy parenting (pun intended).
You’re so right. I’m not sure
You’re so right. I’m not sure we’re going to be together in a year.
DH and I always had the greatest relationship until I started to see the truth of my situation - he doesn’t contribute to the kids financially and won’t get a 9-5 because he wants to always be available for the kids and every beck and call. I’m much younger and practical support this whole household. I clean, I run my high earning business, I buy new clothes for the kids because their father has no money and their billionaire mom keeps them in disgusting rags as she lavishes her multiple boyfriends with Gucci and Versace. NOT joking.
I’m always the fixer. I’m always the provider, and I’m always the one that has to back down when the kids are involved, but the more and more I see that DH shuns responsibility and refuses to step up as a husband and get a year round job, the less I respect him or care wether we’re together or not.
Oh boy - well him freeloading
Oh boy - well him freeloading off of me would most DEFINITELY be a deal breaker. You sound like a put-together woman - find a man who can be independent and parent his kids.
You are most definitely NOT
You are most definitely NOT overreacting!
Nothing about what they are doing with their poop is ok!
Your husband can teach them about this without yelling at them. And he will definitely save them shame and embarrassment as they get even older. What do they do if they have to poop in public, or at school, or at a friend’s house?
THANK YOU - I feel like my DH
THANK YOU - I feel like my DH gaslights me when he says this is normal. He tells me I’m the closest thing they have to a real mother and they love me so much (which they do) but I can’t just NOT care about the poop! It was everywhere, again!!!!
How in the world does DH think his kids are going to find friend
or jobs? HE needs to teach them.
Right!?
Right!?
In a twisted way I think he just doesn’t really mind that his kids lack social skills because they’re all going to be extremely wealthy. Each of the kids is already a millionaire several times over and they go to a really weird school where it seems all the kids have issues that just aren’t normal. The teachers double as their babysitters in their students homes on the weekday evenings if there are no nannies available. Bad behavior is never scolded - they’re just told that it’s better to be kind to people - and most of these kids weekends are spent together with classmates, racing modified golf buggies around various mansions while the parents all get drunk. Nobody cares about any of them if their needs are met. All the kids are a mess
I wouldn't continue living in
I wouldn't continue living in a home that smearing poop all over is "ok".
Your husband can visit you in your home when he doesn't have his children - of course make him wash his hands on the way in!
Too right!
Too right!
I feel so ashamed. I worked so hard for my beautiful home and it deserves to be respected. If he refuses to teach the kids how to poop, they can live as they please elsewhere.
I love this. Thank you for
I love this. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I think you’re right. Next time I won’t wait for DH to clean up. I’ll calmly make my SS get some gloves on, take it out with the trash and then i’ll introduce him to Mrs bleach and mr bucket!
If I get resistance from my DH (as I assume I will because he hates shaming the kids) i’ll tell him he’s welcome to ignore educating the children in life skills - but that he can do this from ANOTHER house and not mine.
OP, given the way your skids
OP, given the way your skids are being raised, this may be some acting out, and not just failure to learn bathroom skills. They have two crap parents and are being neglected emotionally.
This behaviour is disgusting
This behaviour is disgusting - and no, it's not what normal kids do. Once toilet training is completed when they're small, they should know these basic facts. I'd be giving them all a very firm talk that if you find any more boogers on the wall or shit where it shoudn't be, they'll all be the ones cleaning it up, no matter who did it. And I wouldn't back down.
First, I can assure you that
First, I can assure you that this is not normal and that children are perfectly capable of learning proper toileting habits - they just need to be taught. My skids are 6 and 4. They know how to wipe and they throw toilet paper in the toilet. There is never poop on my towels, floors, walls, etc. Skids know to wash their hands. This is easily taught - obviously no one has tried with your skids. What do they do at school? Communal bathrooms generally don't have individual trash cans in each stall, let alone hand towels. I have to think peer pressure would keep them from throwing used tissue on the floor. So I'll bet they're doing it properly elsewhere.
This may be what you asked about but it's not your big problem. Your problem is your lazy, freeloading, gaslighting husband. He's a lazy parent and a poor provider, but an excellent freeloader (having found not one but two wives to sponge off of). There is no excuse for him not working and providing for his family, and there is no excuse for him not parenting his children. Why do you put up with him? Surely you could do better.
You’re right. You’re so right
You’re right. You’re so right. I do deserve better. I put myself in a bad position when I moved Berenice because my visa is still pending (which I paid for myself) and is tied to our marriage. My business is here and I’ve built it from the ground up. It should be finailaised in the next 6 months then I think I’m going to leave. He takes advantage of the fact I’m marooned. I’m not entitled to SSN or drivers license and he takes me food shopping (I pay) once every week or so, usually before the kids arrive. I’m small time famous (a house hold name in a niche industry) and he takes credit for the events I bring him along to. He posts all over his social media ‘Check out my new big venture’ when it’s MY company, MY work, MY connections and MY event: I caught him being a secret drinker too. He denied it to my face even though I showed him all the bottles I found that he drank in just a few days - hidden behind my towels, in my basement, etc.
Hes over 10 years older and I met him a long time ago when I was still naïve. I’m not so naïve anymore and I see he’s a lousy provider. The few times he told me he paid the electricity bill himself the company came to switch off the power when I was home alone. It was so humiliating. The only saving grace is he’s faithful and does lots of small things to make me happy, like cooking, cleaning and trying to be supportive of me, but it’s not enough. I give him the world and all I ask is honesty, to contribute half, and for him to teach his kids to wipe. I do deserve better.
Your story gets worse! Your
Your story gets worse! Your DH doesn't want to parent OR grow up! You know what to do.
BTW my SDs also had a LOT of hygiene issues. DH wouldn't deal so I did, and I did not tolerate any objections from him involving toilet problems (my SDs were 7 & 9 when I met them).
Same situation.
I feel your pain. Do you find, if you could take away these disgusting habits they'd be amazing children? Same. Please tell me if you find any solution
I see a pattern of him
I see a pattern of him falling for women who have more money than he does......
He must have
Gold somewhere else!!!! You know - like a golden finger or toe or something.
From your comments OP - he sounds gold-diggerish and like a "smooth talker type", who bamboozles people.
Well, youve got what you need coming, your residency, I believe, and since it sounds like you do not want to stay married, and you are the successful one, I think you are definitely in a "power position" to lay down the law in your own home. So, step up to the plate and let out your "inner b1tch". Let loose on hubby-really let him have it. Scare him a little.
That is irreprehensible that he is allowing his children to not learn the basics of life. So what if they are already multi-millionaires. They need to have the basics!!!! They still need to be humans and live a god decent life, instead of as feral animals drooling and poopng themselves!
I feel bad for the kiddos, but not too bad.
OP, another aspect worth
OP, another aspect worth exploring is whether you'll be required to pay alimony if/when you leave this freeloader. You should seek legal counsel ASAP to determine where you stand financially, and take steps to protect yourself.
Post nup
if you do not have a prenup - discuss with lawyers a post nup.With a generous "buy out".
Wow. I’d say you are under-reacting
That is not normal. It is not what kids do? Does your DH have other older children? If not then he has no expertise to tell you it’s normal. If he does, are they as messed up as these kids?
You are married to a freeloading child in an adult body.
Even alimony might be a small price to pay to be rid of this mess.
I have seen the attitude from my DH that yours has: but they are just kids and I don’t want to “be mean” (which they equate with parenting). Now that the skids and my kid are fledgling adults he sees that they aren’t ready. But he also takes no responsibility for it. It surprised him. Like he expected them to just suddenly make this huge leap in maturity and ability.
And the bathroom stuff affects you. Go nuts on them. Make them clean without gloves. It’s their own crap, they should have no problem touching it. you will have a problem during the day if your DH is home and let’s this happen. They won’t learn.
Sounds like your DH is not firing on all cylinders either. You may be able to get him to sign paperwork now “for the business” that puts you in a better position in the future.
Stop buying hand towels. Who
Stop buying hand towels. Who cares what the steps use in their bathroom! Let dad buy them at the dollar store with his own money.
Stop buying them clothing. Let dad replace the clothing if and when he wants.
Send dad to their bathroom to check and clean (as necessary) every time a skid uses it. He’ll soon tire and require age appropriate habits. My guess is that these kids know what to do and aren’t doing it to annoy you and dad.
You are in a bad spot as both of you have been using the other. DH doesn’t want to work full time and found you after his first marriage ended. You have been using DH for your visa. Use does not equate love.
See a lawyer (both immigration and divorce). Play the long game and be sure that what you do meets your long term goals.
You make some valid points
You make some valid points but we’ve been together for 5 years (living together for two) and I sacrificed a lot to come to America. I genuinely love him, I wouldn’t otherwise be with someone 13 years older with step kids who can’t poop properly, but I appreciate you telling me to seek legal advice. I have been and sadly my hands are tied for now
Oh my God, I only read bits
Oh my God, I only read bits and pieces (because it's soooo gross). Add the drinking, lying about it, and irresponsibility, I just couldn't stay with this "man".
When a puppy craps or pisses
When a puppy craps or pisses on the carpet a swat the rump and rubbing their nose in it gets the point across.
Time for the puppy training with these feral shit beasts. No more cleaning up after them. Time for them to clean up after themselves under very stern supervision each and every time they don't control their own shit. These are not diaper wearing toddlers. These are not young kids. If Daddy won't get on board then start dumping all of shit soiled tools and towels on their beds and then they can wash their sheets too.
smh
I think you deserve better -
I think you deserve better - not just because you are living in a -literally- toxic environment (human feces is dangerous!!), but mainly because your partner doesn't seem to get it.
If he can't take this situation seriously, how is he going to react to other life events??
I may have missed this, but have you really sat down and talked with the kids about this? I know it SHOULD be their father and mothers' responsibility, but it sounds like they truly aren't getting much parenting or direction from anyone but you. This really isn't normal, and I am wondering if they need psychological help - I could be way off base with this.
However, if I were you I'd really reflect on how much I have invested in this relationship and these kids, if I even want to continue investing in it, and if so, then I'd start researching professional help- at least a counseling session or two to see if you can find the root of why it's happening. Even at their ages, most children still want to be somewhat clean when it comes to feces/toilet hygiene.
And, if you feel that this relationship isn't what you really want, I would seek legal advice for the cleanest (no pun intended there...well maybe just a little) way to get out of it without your partner knowing that you are talking to a lawyer.
disgusting
This is awful and I think you need to find a way out. Quickly. It sounds like this can only get worse, much worse.
OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Without even
Without even reading any other posts I had to skip to the end so I could post...
OMG!!!!!!! this crosses any relationship and health line that I can ever imagine! I feel so bad for you!!
You are not only not over reacting, their father should be absolutely ashamed of himself for not addressing this the very first time that it happened!! Not to mention having a serious sit down with their mother (can't call her BM for this post it might get confusing) over her lack of teaching skills and how this borderlines neglect letting them do this at her house.
This is totally disgusting and a health hazard!!! You need to not be afraid of hurting anyone's feelings and of getting your DH mad at you!! You need to be the one putting your foot down and telling him how wrong and neglectful this behavior is!!!!!! And that it isn't going to happen at your house!! What if they go to a sleepover and pull this at someone elses house?? Then everyone at school will know!! that will add to their problems
I thought my step son not flushing the toilet at night was bad, this is horrible!! I put my foot down to that too!! let them know we flush all the time!!