Is there hope for my relationship?
Hello all, I'm new. My first thread is a long one but I joined this website for the same reason all of you did. I'm 26 years old and I'm in a new relationship (almost 8 months he's 27) and I already see it falling apart due to how my BF is raising his three year old from his previous marriage. I have no children of my own and his daughter and I get along very well so that's not the issue. My issues have to do directly with his parenting practices. He's already talking about moving in together and marrying me and he wants me to be her stepmother but the way things are now, there's no way I'm going to go any further in this relationship. I'd like to tell my feelings to people who are in similar and more permanent situations than me to help ground my expectations or to say that I should cut my losses. I love him and I don't dislike her so that's my last resort but the issues I'm going to present to you are deal breakers for me if they don't change. Maybe I'm being unreasonable? That's why I'm here.
Here are the issues I'm having.
Issue One: His child rearing philosophy is: "She's going to hear no so many times in her life, why say it now at her age?" She's three and he does not seem to realize that it is BECAUSE in the real world she's not going to get everything she wants, and he needs to prepare her for that. She is a sponge right now and he doesn't give her credit for being intelligent. She is very intelligent and she already knows how to manipulate him and those around her to get what she wants. I don't think he should say no to everything but it's your job as a parent to gauge when it's appropriate and make sure your children are equipped to be functioning members of society. Not spoiled jerks with the expectation that everyone needs to cater to their every wish. She's already exhibits spoiled child behaviors and he doesn't like it but seems oblivious to the fact that it is HIS fault. I don't know how things are at her mom's house but I get the distinct feeling that her mother does not share this philosophy. Not that it matters because she's rarely with her mother, which brings me to issue two.
Issue Two: My boyfriend is self-employed. Bravo right? Wrong. He has his daughter 99% of the time because her mother elects to have her every other weekend when she feels like it. When I met my boyfriend she hadn't seen her child in over a month. I quickly learned that he wasn't keeping her from seeing her, she's just a fair weather parent. His daughter is not currently enrolled in daycare or preschool so as a result, he does not have a lot of time to put into his business which means he's not making money. If a client does call (he owns a carpet cleaning business) he has to scramble around to find someone to look after his daughter because he can't rely on her mother to be there. He's even asked me and I'm quite frankly not ready to do that. The previous and following issues should help paint a picture of why I'm not comfortable being left alone to look after her. Since his business isn't booming he rarely has funds for everyday things like car maintenance let alone courtship. Getting a 9-5 is also not an option because although he agrees that she should be in pre-school now, he feels that her going full-time while he works would be detrimental to her psyche.
Issue Three: She does not sleep in her own bed, her own room and he does not leave the room until she's asleep and since her bedtime is so late, which you'll find out in issue four, her going to bed just means he's going to retire as well. So as a result, he doesn't have any free time for himself or for our relationship. We live 40 miles apart and generally I drive down every Friday in rush hour traffic to be with him over the weekend. The same bedtime behavior happens when I'm there so all day is baby time (he falls asleep with her when it's nap time) and so is all night. I'm not allowed to stay in the room when it's time to sleep so I spend this time entertaining myself and most of the time he falls asleep with her. I ask myself, why am I here? Much to his dismay, I've stopped coming on the weekends that he has her. Which means our time is cut even more since he has her most of the time.
Issue Four: His three year old's bed time is supposed to be 9:30. I don't know why he feels she needs to be up that late but that's beside my point. She is rarely in bed before 10. Perfect example, last night my bf's parents (he lives with them and one of his older sisters) needed to go pick up his uncle from the airport. They left at around 10 or 10:30. His daughter asked if she can go with them and he said yes. The problem with that is, both the northbound and southbound side of the freeway they need to take closes at 10pm every night for construction. So they didn't get back until 12am. He doesn't see why it's a problem. I however, do not underestimate the intelligence of a three year old and I know she requested to go with the grandparents because she did not want to go to bed. She may not know how to tell time but she definitely knows when bed time is imminent. He unknowing gave into her manipulation. My suspicion was validated when they arrived home and the first question she asks him when she walks into the house is, "Is it close to night night time?". He says yes and she immediately starts to cry. He feels that she behaves this way because she's three. I feel that is partly the reason but mostly because of bedtime habits. I live with my parents and one of my sisters and my two nieces (One almost 7 the other just turned 5) neither one of them has EVER had an issue when it came to bedtime. One of my good friends has 3 children, all under the age of three and when she says it's bed time, they follow her up the stairs in a happy line like adorable goslings. I'm basically saying it's not her age, it's because in reality NO kids WANTS to go to bed but if you make it fun they won't care as much. As of now, he pulls her aside and says, "Tatum, I have something to tell you". If someone does that you know it's bad news right? So her bedtime tantrums are mostly his fault and less to do with her age. The bed time issue is a also problem because I don't see why a three year old needs to be awake past 8pm. It also affects our relationship. I work during the day so we generally can't communicate across the day (except text and my 30min break) until after I get off of work. We talk and text but he likes to call me every night before bed. But he can't call me until she's asleep. He barely started having her sleep in her own bed a few weeks ago and he can't leave the room because she freaks out. So he can't call me at night until after 11 and I have to get up for work in the morning at 5:45 and he's generally too tired to talk for very long anyway.
Issue Five: He promises her rewards without having her earn them or without taking other people's feelings into account. An example you ask? I'm happy to oblige. One word: Disneyland. He and I both have annual passes and he loves taking her there. Sometimes he'll promise her that he'll take her and not take my feelings into account. Meaning, After working 8 hours and sitting in about an hour and a half of traffic. I'm tired. I get to his house and find out he has promised that they'll go to Disneyland. Since she doesn't hate me, she promptly runs up to me and asks me if I'll go with them. I don't live there, what am I supposed to do, stay home with his parents and sister while they tear it up at Disneyland? If I don't feel like going he then has to break his promise to her. Leaving me feeling like a jerk. Also, he'll promise her we'll go a day before we go and if she misbehaves all day prior and the morning of, he has serious trouble telling her that we're not going anymore because she's being bad. He's done it a total of one time in the 8 months we've been together. Generally, she misbehaves and he puts her on time out and then takes her anyway OR, get this, takes her to the park and throws in some ice cream to make up for the fact that he said they're not going to Disneyland.
That's pretty much it. I know it's only been 8 months but 8 months shortly turns into years. Since he's already talking about merging lives and households these things weigh heavy on my mind because I'm not going to live like this. Thank you in advance to anyone who read this and your opinions are greatly appreciated.
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Comments
GTFO now. Go. Run. So many
GTFO now. Go. Run. So many red flags I can't even begin to tell you. You will HATE your life if you stick this out. You can find someone without the baggage. She will be his mini wife - there will be no room for you.
^^THIS^^ I could go on for
^^THIS^^ I could go on for FOREVER and a day on all the red flags and certain MAJOR problems brewing, but, you have already shown that you see them and know they are big issues and know he is the one in the wrong. He is a clueless person trying to parent. Everything you said is what I live with with my DH. Run. Do not marry this man. Chalk it up to 8 months lost and move on. Due to my own experience, in my opinion, he will not change and she will get worse and you will be miserable.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your response.
What you said is what I fear. I grew up in a house with parents with very different parenting skills. One parent was more concerned about being liked by me and my siblings so the other parent felt that being extra hard on us would help compensate for the lack of a team. They've actually officially divorced this year. I've expressed this fear to my S/O and he tries to assure me that it will be fine. I know better because I've seen it. When she misbehaves and I'm around, he's receptive to my advice but I really would much rather not HAVE to say anything. His family isn't any better. His sister pisses me off because he will actually discipline his daughter and his sister will undermine what he says. Quote, "I'd rather see her happy than see her crying". This woman is an elementary school teacher ladies and gentleman. Over Easter his parents had a party, he and I were hanging out with the adult family members and his daughter was in another room playing with her cousins. Despite the fact that there were at least twenty other adults sprinkled around the house, his sister would come in every couple of minutes and nag him for not running around behind is daughter making sure she was fine. I honestly think he wants to be stricter with her but I think his sister ruins it. Ultimately he is the parent and he needs to tell her to shut the fuck up.
He may change, but it is very
He may change, but it is very unlikely. Am I correct that he and his child live with his parents and his sister? Then he may be getting the easy way out because they parent his child, and he can be Disney Dad.
You live 40 miles apart, this is a weekend relationship, and already you see the problems. I take it that you are childless, still live with your parents also, and have a demanding job. You can't even get a phone call from this guy on a week night at a reasonable hour. He doesn't really work. He is using the child as an excuse NOT to work. He's living off his parents. Believe me, next he will be living off you if you allow it. Since the BM doesn't see her child very much, does she pay child support? Is he living off the CS, too?
Overall, he's spineless, lazy, and a user. He's raising a very spoiled child who is going to rule the roost.
You can do much much better. I have seen so many women fall into the role of savior to losers like him that it is painful to hear the indecision in your post. You are at risk to continue this relationship because you get something out of it. You have to ask yourself what is it that is so enticing? Read a little about codependence. Often, it is easier to try to fix someone else's problems rather than look at your own life and decide what YOU want. I think you are young, and you need to put your needs first right now. If you get more involved, have a child with this guy, your situation gets much worse. He wouldn't even be able to afford child support when you inevitably divorce him.
Thank you for responding. He
Thank you for responding.
He does live with his folks and sister but they do not parent her. If anything they're worse. They spoil the kid rotten. Here's an example, today she was out and about with grandma and grandpa and apparently wanted to ride the escalator up and down six times because they did it. Once, twice or maybe three times but 6? At what point do you say no more, we're here because we have shit to do not ride the escalator. They're all afraid of making her cry.
I wouldn't consider us a weekend relationship. We do see each other sometimes during the week. We'd see each other more even with the 40 mile difference but there is a ton of traffic EVERY day (I live in Los Angeles, CA)So a 30 minute drive can be an hour and a half drive if we leave at the wrong time. Also the freeways we take to see each other close every night so since my job is so demanding I may not get off at an hour that would be worth it. Usually when we try, it's like a 3 hour visit.
BM does not pay child support yet. The divorce is not finalized. He filed, she had 30 days to respond. She responded 2 months after her 30 day period was up and for some reason the court allowed it and pushed the court date back another two months. She's holding the process up by contesting the custody when she knows damn well that she never sees her daughter. She's trying to get out of paying child support. He's afraid that they will automatically believe her because he thinks the court system always sides with the mother. He's keeping a calendar and so his family. I hope it helps.
I do not have any children of my own. I do live with my parents at the moment with one of my sisters and her two girls but that won't be the case for very long since my parents have divorced and sold our house. So I have 45 days to move out. He wanted to move with me but I informed him that is not happening until the aforementioned issues are dealt with. Plus, I lived with an ex boyfriend a few year ago and after we split and I went back home, I swore never to move in with someone again until I was married.
I don't disagree with what you said about him using his daughter as an excuse not to work. I've actually told him that. He agreed and started looking for preschools. He only looked for one and decided he liked it but they're not taking kids until May. He has yet to look for another one and he plans on sending her part-time because he thinks she needs to acclimate so it really defeats the whole purpose. I also don't disagree with what you said about her ruling the roost. I found this site because I googled "step kids needs before spouse" and I found a post that really just was everything I fear. It talked about the new trend of the child's needs coming before the relationship vs. the old bible rule that marriage comes first and a lot of other things. I looked it up because at the beginning of our relationship he told me straight up that his daughter would come first. I thought that he meant in situations where it's a no brainer, like if she's sick and needs him or if we have a date and can't get a babysitter so I didn't turn and run. After a while though it made me wonder if he meant in every situation. We had a conversation about it and tries to reassure me but I really don't see why the dynamic would change.
I thank all of you for
I thank all of you for responding. I've brought all of these issues up to him and he has made SOME changes within the last three months. It keeps me hopeful honestly. I'm still afraid that he won't deliver on his promises. I've told him that if he disagreed with anything I said to tell me so that I can move on. He said that he agreed. That he needs to improve. I've given myself a time limit on how long I will wait to see these changes.
oh my, i just read that he's
oh my, i just read that he's not even divorced yet. do you realize he's still not healed? it's not a good road to go down with a man that doesn't have AT LEAST a year under his belt after a divorce. as young as you are and with no baggage, i hope you realize that enterring a relationship with a man that's not even divorced yet will take much of your youth and vitality away? it's absolutely exhausting setting those boundaries, especially if your man fights you! yes, keep your time limit, but "improvement" is no where close to "childless and never married".