BM is ruining my sex life!
Whenever BM does anything ridiculously selfish (which is the norm) or stupid, (she truly is a total idiot) or just quite simply displays how incompetent she is as a mother, I feel like my SO was such an idiot, choosing to have a child with her.
They finally (after limping along in their pathetic, unhappy marriage for years) split while pregnant, and apparantly she's ALWAYS been selfish and awful like this. whyyy would SO think it was a good idea to have a child with her?!!
Ok, so yesterday, SO was feeling "in the mood" all day, and kept hugging me, whispering that he couldn't wait til SS was in bed etc.. then just before SS bedtime, BM texted SO about times for SS pick up. I won't go into details of what was said, as I'm paranoid of posting too much info lol! But SO had to ask if I was ok with this one thing that she had asked him, and..
basically she was demanding the world again and being a selfish idiot, and it totally turned me OFF. I can't look at SO in "that way" knowing he actively chose to have a kid with this friggin idiot.
Whatever she does, it does NOT bother SO one bit, he does not put up with her bull****. He doesn't pander to it, or pay attention to it, she is not important enough in his life to bother him for more than a millisecond. What she said didn't bother him, he texted her back to answer her after we discussed it, and he was just gona carry on as normal.
So why do *I* have such a problem getting to feel the same way about her and her crap?! Even though I know she's a total idiot, why cant I just brush it off like SO does?! I just get frustrated when I think about SOs poor judgement. He loves SS but deeply regrets choosing her as his mom.. so WHYYY did he choose her as his mom?! 
anyway, once SO had put SS to bed last night, I just said I was tired, and then pretended to be asleep. I was actually lying awake trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings.
I love SO very much, our relationship is WONDERFUL. It's so unfair to SO that I feel this way whenever BM does anything.. actually you know what? Sometimes she doesn't even have to do anything, sometimes (just sometimes) it's only *thinking* about her, and all the stupid crap she does, that makes me withdraw from SO.
I really want to know how I can stop this way of thinking, I need to know how to switch it off. I try and think "He made a mistake choosing her. But its not fair to make him feel bad for it forever"
I'm not actively horrible to him when these feelings/thoughts happen.. I still hug him, tell him I love him, etc, but in a weird way I kind of just.. withdraw into myself, away from him. It's difficult to explain.
He is very sensitive to my emotions though.. so even though I'm still acting in a loving way towards him, he can definately feel the shift in my feelings, and I'm pretty sure he knows why it happens (BM) ..I just don't know how to stop this from happening.
I also really can't say "sorry sweetie, I'm just not in the mood to have sex with you right now, because you're SUCH AN IDIOT for breeding with BM"
Because there's not really a lot he can do about it!!! I've been doing really well with positive thinking in other aspects of my life (I watched 'The Secret' a few months ago, amazing) but I'm really struggling with this particular situation. Any ideas or advice?
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that's exactly what I was
that's exactly what I was thinking of doing at first! I'm always honest with SO about my feelings, but this situation? hmm, risky! lol! what did he say/do!
I can so relate to this. God,
I can so relate to this. God, I have said some things to DH that burned him to the core, and I feel the same way, the reason it bothers him is because it is ALL TRUE. Men don't like to have to look inward most of the time. Spineless, pussy, less of a man, yep, that pretty much sums up DH. Idiots.
woah. heavy stuff! I can't
woah. heavy stuff! I can't believe he still brings it up now!
..thing is, I know that if I said that to my SO, he would nod quietly and say "I know, you're right, I don't know what the heck I was thinking having a kid with her"
He regrets it to the very core of his soul. I can't possibly say it to him, because he himself has admitted to his deep heartbreak over having to have BM in his life forever because of SS.
I just don't know how to handle these feelings, and be "ok" with what he has done, without it affecting our relationship or sex life!!!
Well he could handle some
Well he could handle some things better. Why couldn't he just say no to BM without telling her he had to go ask you. That makes you out to be the bad guy (which wouldn't bother me in the least). It would say to me that he doesn't have the balls to stand up to BM without you "helping" him. Ball-less men are a big turnoff.
He does not need to respond to her just before he wants sex. he shouldn't have even READ the text much less stopped to talk about it.
If he would do a better job of isolating you from donut brain it would help.
BM was texting to ask if SS
BM was texting to ask if SS pickup spot could be some place different than usual the next morning, so he needed to answer before it got too late (we've already had the whole "please don't text late at night" thing with BM, so we stick to that rule too)
SSs pick up spot affected me, so he had to ask if I was ok with it (I said it was fine, I wonder if the real issue here is that it basically just annoys me that she exists)
I actually thought it was good that he said to her he'd check with me first, doesn't that make it seem to her that I am important in the decision making? Oh man, have I got that all wrong?! lol
How do you think he should do a better job of isolating me from BM? Do you mean just not mentioning her at all to me? (that sounds great, but sometimes I need to know what's going on, and give the go ahead on that plan, like the pick up spot being changed)
When my DH lets the skids or
When my DH lets the skids or BM get their way cause hes too afraid of conflict-- well-- that in & of its self kills my sex drive everytime!!! Theres NOTHING sexy about it!!!
Ive had times just like you where just hearing her name turns me off!! Im right there with you!!!
I do however think your DH did the right thing by telling you about the situation as it did pertain to you & your schedule the next day. I guess this crap kinda does go with the territory of being the second wife,etc.
Hang in there!!!
I feel your pain OP, I have a
I feel your pain OP, I have a very hard time wanting to have anything to do with DH in the bedroom these day because his spineless nature and fence straddling actions just turn me off. BAD.
I always look at BM and look
I always look at BM and look at SO and think 'What in THE HELL?' But then I remember
A.) It was a long time ago before I knew either of them.
B.) BM is manipulative and can totally pull off being an awesome person for a period of time.
C.) SO is a man and men are not smart.
So I try not to hold it against him. Plus he's amazing in bed and I'm not going to miss out on getting mine ya know. It's hard to swallow that they have a past, but so do we. We weren't fresh of the innocent virgin line. But I know what you're saying. You do spend time thinking about it.