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Update on adult SD and DH-Not good.

stepstuk's picture

I thought I'd give an update to all the wonderful ladies that offered me their support and advice on my previous blog regarding SD and DH.

Unfortunately, the last week has been absolutely awful, which has resulted in me asking DH to leave.

I never knew my DH could be so spiteful, vindictive, and sadistic,.....in fact, right now, I no longer even know who the real DH is anymore.

Basically, since the last blow out, I continued to do things as normal,...y'know, just go about my normal business, and keep things as normal as possible for BS, this seemed to rub DH up the wrong way,I guess he is so used to me caving that it must have driven him mad.So, it reached the point where I would enter the room, and he would turn his back,if he was playing with BS when I walked in, he would stop playing with BS to ignore my presence. When I went out to visit a friend with BS, he then demanded where I had been, that he had a right to know my every move, and that I was being secretive,..........so, this went on, and on,and he became more and more nastier.

Yesterday, he started following me from room to room, staring, smirking, and when I asked him to stop, he then informed me that he would continue to follow me,so, I went to leave the room,he grabbed me, literally stuck his nose against mine and I had to push him off of me,........needless to say, he is GONE.

I have never seen him like this before,....he has always had a tendency to bully when he doesn't get his own way, but this time,it is different,.....he has never been this nasty to me over SD before.

I've thought about this long and hard, and what makes me so mad and sad, is that even after all the talking we have done over the past few years, he has still placed SD's demands over the happiness and well being of not just me, but BS- Mother's Day is now ruined, BD's birthday and the plans that were arranged,...ruined,.....peace in the house this last week,.....ruined,..........all for what? 'Me' daring to disengage from SD because DH refuses to even address her behaviour both in and out of the home towards me......ugh,......it's just wrong, on so many levels.

So, it seems I have a choice, I either cave in, let SD come to the home and see BS,whilst remaining present, and accept that next time she starts undermining me in my own home,or is spiteful to BD,or,starts her crap infront of BS,or, makes decisions with DH about my BS without my say so,I will just have to suck it up,not say anything and allow myself to be bullied by them both,......or,.....I can declare to DH that, actually, I do not negotiate with terrorists, and until he addresses the issues he clearly has regarding the amount of power he has handed over to SD, that I will continue to disengage until further notice...........and you know what?.....I would rather die standing up, than spend a life time on my knees,......he can punish me all he wants, he can even divorce me, this has now gone way beyond SD,this is now about him and his total lack of,respect for me, as his life partner, his wife.

Comments

StickAFork's picture

I need to go back and read your previous blog for the full story, but it sounds like you don't want your SD to see your son (her half brother) but your DH does. Is that the case?
Because if it is, what makes you think divorce is the answer? DH will have SD around any time he wants when it's his parenting time with BS. (Unless BS isn't his kid.)

stepstuk's picture

Hi StickAFork,
I think DH will threaten me with divorce, if I continue to disengage from SD.

I don't want to be in SD's presence due to her behaviour towards me, there have been many,many incidents where she has refused to acknowledge me infront of others in my own home, whispered about me, laughed at me, mocked me, refused to acknowledge my pregnancy with BS,....correction, she acknowledged it by leaving a gift of 9 tubes of stretch mark cream one Christmas,....I just don't want to be around that kind of hatred anymore. If I could approach her direct in my home about her behaviour, I would, but my DH instructed me that I am not allowed, so, she basically gets away with it, DH will not tell her to knock it off Incase she distances herself from him even further than she has done so more recently,so, even expecting to be respected in my own home is an issue I just cannot back down from, I don't want my BS to be dragged into their issues and SD's war,......It impacted greatly on my own BD, I am scared of it impacting on BS also I guess.
X

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Im so sorrry you are going thru all of this!!!! I think you are right-- he IS trying to bully you!!! Him getting right in your face- nose to nose pressed up snugly against yours is down right abusive!!! Just a question- how long has it been, that you usually cave in to him, to end his crap? Im like that too & DH will litterally walk around with an heir of arrogance for days uoon days until I decide to just give in, sweep the old & current issues under the rug, and act like all is fine again. It sucks, but I wanna try everything within my power to make it work & I dont want a divorce. Hmph.

Lately I started working on my self confidence & self esteem. Im dieting so thaf I can feel better about myself. DH is coming to really realize that Im fed up with alot of things & I started to stand up for myself again!! He acted like a down right jerk & yea, bully, at first. But I held my ground firmly on things of which I will not sweep under the rug no more. It. Feels. Good!!!

Just wanted to to know that Im there in the midst of it too & that your not alone. Hang in there & above all, take care of you! Your no good to your DS if your stressed out all of the time! Hoping your DH gets his head outta the sand soon for ya!!! Hugs!!

stepstuk's picture

Hi stepmom,
Thank you so much for your reply.
I'm also sorry you are experiencing much the same as I, it is not an ideal situation, to say the least, but I am glad that I am not alone.
I guess, with SK's, I have always caved,...I don't know why, it just kind of happened like that,I didn't believe I had any other options,I didn't even realise I had other options.

Yes, I am starting to realise that my DH is not only using bullying tactics, but that they are now bordering on abuse. He even threatened to take the car away so I could not use it,and,he was meant to be treating me to get my hair done which I don't do often,...that obviously will not be happening now which is really upsetting,as after I had my son, I lost a lot of my hair,and ever since,it has not been the same,...he knows how upset I get about my hair, and for him to do that is just down right spiteful.

I too don't want to divorce, which is probably why I have caved so much to him,over the years, I have found myself giving in just to prevent him from creating drama,some more examples are when his then 17 yr old son had a huge fight with his SF,I was 'informed by DH that SS would be living with us-Then when SS came to live with us, it wasn't long before SS tried driving a wedge between us,being cruel to my elderly dog,and picking on BD-DH found a job which involved him being away for months at a time,so, without any discussion, told me about this, and informed me that if I didn't like it, I knew where the door was,.......he left SS with me, and that boy, along with BM, made my life living hell, so, for me, I just think its habit, I need to take back that control, and it's not something DH neither likes, or, is used to,it will be tough, but I am not going to live like this anymore.

I agree that building on your self esteem is a good thing, I too have been doing this, and it feels wonderful, I hadn't realised just how much of a knock my self esteem had taken over the years.

Here's hoping we can see this through, and our DH's somehow are able to learn that less confrontational forms of communicating their needs are much more productive in the long run !

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Do not back down! Your DH is being abusive and bullying. He does not deserve you and your kindness. Until he can treat you with respect and love, he should stay the hell out of the house.

My DH was almost as bad last year when I disengaged from abusive toxic SD. He threatened divorce and ignored me in the home in between tantrums. I sent him away and told him that is fine with me. If we are going to divorce over sd, so be it. I couldn't care less then and I still feel the same way. If he pulls that manipulative bullying crap on me again - I show HIM the door.

It is very difficult for the DH's to change and accept that things MUST change. Sometimes they get and sometimes they don't. It sounds like your DH needs to be away for a while to really analyse the situation and see you are not being unreasonable at all. You need to be treated with respect, especially in your own home. SD should not have the right to belittle and treat you bad. He needs to stand up for you.

If he doesn't, it will be a long life of hell for you. Is that what you want? Suffering now temporarily if you do split up is better than a lifetime of misery IMO. Good luck.

ManagingMom's picture

It's fun to fantasize about kicking a bully in the balls, but getting physical is really not a good idea.

OP, if you don't want a divorce, don't play I-dare-you games with your relationship.

If you do want a divorce don't passively grant your husband the option of divorcing you. The person who files for divorce has more power than the person who is sued for divorce. Find a good divorce lawyer and get out of this doubly abusive relationship now before it turns physical.

Be aware that men who abuse their wives cause them the most harm when they try to leave them. Get help.

stepstuk's picture

Thanks so much again for all your replies,it really does mean a lot to me at the moment Smile

Foxie, I love your no nonsense attitude and I seriously need to fly you over to the u.k and get you to knee my DH in the balls!lol

Thing is, I am pretty good usually for standing up to DH on most things other than his kids,that said, although he tends to sulk and bully on a lesser scale, he is nowhere near as bad as he is when issues arise regarding them,and he has NEVER been this bad before.

So, here's what I think I'm going to do- DH will be gone for one month,I have already taken measures to ensure there is minimal contact between us during this time, I anticipate the odd email from him regarding admin info that he may require, so, if I have to, I will respond politely but that's all he gets.

I think it's probably time to think about getting some legal advice, and although I still don't want to divorce, I am now starting to gather evidence should I need to venture down that avenue, I never know when I now might need something to back up my complaints.

Foxie, BS is 20 months old,.....still a baby really which is why I want to protect him from all this crap.

Right now, I'm just glad DH is away from me,....I feel totally relaxed and at ease now, I don't know what will happen when he returns, but I doubt he will throw his hands in the air and beg for forgiveness, and I don't know if he will continue to push me until I break,....I won't give him that chance, those days are now over, all I know,and what I am certain of, is that I have a job to do, and that is to ensure the protection and well being of BS, BD and myself, he can either accept this new arrangement, or not, and should I need to, I will take every measure necessary to ensure this happens.

Thanks again ladies, I really do appreciate the support and advice, and I look forward to venting on here more often!
Xxx