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Need serious advice dh just doesn't understand

doubletrouble114's picture

Submitted by doubletrouble114 on Mon, 02/18/2013 - 10:28pm

:? I feel like my dh is being soft towards the bm of his children. I just feel like he caters to her way too much and she walks over him. Now we have custody of his two younger childen because she basically abandoned them for three years and then wanted them back but of course the jugde said no. but she only wanted them cause we got married adn didn't want them to be my sd and ss. now her oldest son lived with us whom my dh raised from birth and I considered him my ss but she took him away from us cause she could. Now she had parenting time but i don't feel like we should always have to drop them off adn whenever she calls and wants them i feel like he breaks his neck to get them to her. I am not trying to keep her from her children but gas cost she doesn't help us at all with them. I try not to talk about the bm around the children cause i feel like my sd and ss will figure it out on their own. I guess i feel overprotective of them cause i have been raising them for four years now. I just don't know

Comments

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Tue, 02/19/2013 - 6:29am

he'll understand when you quit taking care of his kids. you are beating your head against a brick wall right now. it's not going anywhere. that is the kids' mother, for better or worse. if your dh won't get behind you in this the ONLY thing you can do is dis-engage. i know you've probably grown to love those kids. but, as long as their mother is living, you will never be her replacement. without your dh, you will not win this fight. heck, in most cases it's not worth it even if you had dh's support. i think your only choices are: keep beating your head against a brick wall (getting nowhere except fighting with your dh), hand dh an ultimatum that he either gets behind you or you walk (although you are asking for YEARS of fights with bm), or disengage. gosh, i feel for you. you have a long road to haul. i'm 5 years in and it DOES get easier, once you decide what you are going to do, but it's never easy. and EVERYTHING depends on how much your dh loves you.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

Submitted by New second wife... on Tue, 02/19/2013 - 8:33am

I believe this is a problem in a lot of couples. For some strange reason the DH still coddles the BM.

I don't understand this either. Is he really doing it in the best interest of the children or to accomodate the BM? That is a good question and I don't know that we will ever truly know the answer.

My DH swears he is completely finished with BM but is very accomodating to her. He lets her make all of the decisions regarding SS and whenever she calls and tells him to do something he jumps right on it.

It seriously drives me insane!

I bite my tongue alot and try not to let it get to me but it is difficult sometimes.

Sometimes I think you just have to pick your battles.

Try to decide what exactly is bothering you when he deals with her and address that issue. Or at least one issue at a time. Wink

Is it the gas money or the fact that he always takes them to her or the fact that he accomodates BM and doesn't tell her no?

doubletrouble114's picture

Submitted by doubletrouble114 on Sun, 02/24/2013 - 5:55pm

I think its really all three but mainly when she says jump he jumps and he feels he has to lie to say no like instead of telling her no he'll say oh i can't find my keys just say no I tell him you are no oblgated to take care of her you have custody of your children she can realy kick rocks it's just really frustrating. I can't wait til the turn 18 cause i told him all communication is cut off unless the are ill or in the hospital