Picking my battles
Hi everyone, do you ever feel that some of the things you fight for aren't worth it. It sometimes almost feels that my skids win the battle, like I gave up trying to get them to do something different and when everything is against you, it starts feeling that it's not worth fighting.
I have a SS20, he works and goes to college. His room is always a disaster, clothes everywhere, empty water bottles, Cheeto bags stuffed between the wall and his mattress. I used to go in there and hold his hand thru it all, telling him how to clean his room, sometimes I'd be pissed as I'm doing it and sometimes I'd be patient, but now I find myself just doing it for him and it seems to somehow work out better.
Believe me when I say this, but I normally wouldn't feel this way or do such a thing. I'm usually very stern about teaching kids what and how to take care of themselves and their rooms. But it takes a toll of my body, my mind, my spirit, when I go tell him to clean his room and he looks at me like he hates me. I tell my husband that he does this and he just shakes his head, but does nothing about it.
I end up losing if I try to teach, if I try to deligate, because then somehow we all start screaming at each other, followed by akward silence, he closes the door, half ass cleans, then he leaves. When he leaves, I try to talk to my husband about it, he's tiered from work, doesn't want to listen so he starts yelling at me. He walks off to bed, and I'm left in the livingroom crying, wondering why I'm the one getting yelled at, feeling completly isolated, wishing that I could just run away, far away where no one can find me, start another life on my own with me and my 9 year old son and let my husband deal with him and his other 2 kids.
So that is why I've decided to do things myself, I clean his room while he's at work, wash his clothes, hang it up, fold and put it away. He comes home and he has thanked me for it. There's somehow peace in my heart, peace in my house.
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Oh HELL NO! This "kid" is 20
Oh HELL NO! This "kid" is 20 fucking years old. There's no way in Hell I'd be cleaning his room, doing his laundry or even letting him live with me!
You, my dear, need to grow a pair and put your foot down. If this "kid" is going to be living in your home while attending college, HE cleans and HE does his laundry. Otherwise, he simply needs to find a new place to live, period.
And if your husband can't see that he's raising a total baby of a boy here - you'd be better off without him!!!
This PISSES me off. My daughter had the responsibility of keeping her room clean and doing her own laundry by 9 yrs old. What the fuck is wrong with SS20? Oh, the fact that since his dad won't force him to and YOU do it all for him, he doesn't have to be responsible for anything. Pretty sweet deal for him if you ask me!
I've done that already, the
I've done that already, the putting my foot down, I used to have the biggest pair you've ever seen, it doesn't work. I love my husband, but I know that he needs to step up, I...JUST...DON'T...KNOW...HOW...TO...GET...HIM...TO...DO...THAT.
I feel like I've tried everything. And I can't share this with anyone, if I tell my family or friends about it all they do is start talking bad about my husband and skids.
Ok did you see Echo's post
Ok did you see Echo's post below?? She clearly spelled it all out for you. I'd implement her suggestions immediately.
I've threaten to do this, my
I've threaten to do this, my husband gets mad at me, thinks I'm crazy, says things like "what's wrong with you?!"
Let him get mad! It's not
Let him get mad! It's not about what's wrong with YOU, it's what's wrong with his GROWN ASS SON!
LOL Echo! I almost felt you
LOL Echo! I almost felt you smack my hand when I read your first line!
I saw it exactly like that!
I saw it exactly like that! Hahaha!
Shouldn't my husband, his
Shouldn't my husband, his father be telling him all of this? My husband "says" he'll get him to move out when he's 21, (sigh)...
I tell my husband that I think we should charge him rent and he hesitates on my request, he says that maybe we should just give him the gas bill to pay which is the smallest of the bills. (SS does pay his own car insurance and cell phone)
But my husband will not bring this subject up, it's always me, and when I do bring it up he looks irritated at me.....AT ME?!?!?!!
As far as no food or drinks going into his room, he's been told several times not to do that, but he still does it. I tell my husband about it, he walks in his room, yells at him a little and food and drinks will be in his room again in a day or two.
I don't want to paint my husband as a bad person, I love him, there's so much more to him, but anything I try, he stops me in my tracks.
I'll keep all of these
I'll keep all of these comments in mind and keep you posted regarding my SS. Thank you.
You are enjoying the peace in
You are enjoying the peace in your home, right? The SS works and goes to school, right? I think you could look at the things you do for him as gifts, and he is showing appreciation for them. He is 20, he has heard it all before, so why stress over this stuff? When he moves out, he will take care of himself, he knows how, the arguing over this stuff is just making you unhappy. Better to feel virtuous and kind. Maybe when you are 80, he will mow your grass and drive you to the doctor, to be kind to you.
I was angry for too long, I
I was angry for too long, I stood my ground on everything, but still nothing would change and all it was doing for me was hurting my health, my world. I started noticing that my BS9 started acting like me, getting very angry over anything. That hurt. I just think sometimes of how I want to be remembered when I die. That's what I meant when I said it's sometimes not worth it. As far as my SS20 mowing my grass one day or taking me to the doctor, maybe he will, maybe he won't, I won't know till we get there. He'll be 60 when I'm 80, hopefull he'll have learned a thing or two about parenting by then, or even step-parenting.
I havent cleaned my kids room
I havent cleaned my kids room since maybe they were 5.
I am of the group that would bag everything up and get rid of it. Which by the way I have bagged everything of my own children's (yes they ARE actually children)and told them if they cleaned their room and kept it clean for a week they could start earning their things back. And I am not particularly obsessive about a neat room. Mostly they just keep their door closed and once a week they pick up and vaccuum. However If I say it needs to be cleaned now-then that's what I mean-I dont expect to come in there 3 days later and see it looking worse than when I went in there the first time.
And of course they are getting mad at you. They are ok with things the way they are. Your grown skid is ok with you picking up his trash, washing his clothes, hanging them up. Your dh is ok with this as well-he doesnt have to do it or worry about it, his kid is happy. Life is great!
When my ss14 lived here for awhile last year. He was a pig. He'd leave his door open and our puppy would do in and poo on his floor. SS would not pick it up. He'd just leave it on the floor for weeks at a time. We could tell him 20 times to pick it up and flush it. Finally I went in and placed it smack dab in the middle of his bed. Guess what? As soon as he saw it he immediately flushed it. When he'd leave dishes in the living room, Id so kindly place them on his bed. He refused to wash his bedding after urinating on it-so next time I caught him washing his clothes, I bagged them up and said he could have them back after he washed the 5 or 6 urinated on blankets in his room.
My husband "says" he'll get
My husband "says" he'll get him to move out when he's 21, (sigh)...
Yeah, right.
The problem is not with you
The problem is not with you ss. It is with your husband. He doesn't support you. He may be all that in other areas, but he is allowing his son to disrespect you and make you miserable. Your ss is only doing what he's been able to get a way.
You need to sit your husband down and tell him how you feel. Maybe go out to dinner somewhere so you both can talk in a rational way and not point fingers and argue. Let him know that you're really at the end of your rope right now and need him to step up and help you. Make a compromise that you both can live with.
Stop cleaning his room.
I don't think it really
I don't think it really matters if her ss is an adult or 3. Her husband does not support her. He is not her son. If she persists without the support of her husband, she will force her husband to choose. With the way things are going, who do you think he'll choose?
That's a pretty hard slap of reality.
I know this is not the best
I know this is not the best advice but it seems that you are kinda at a dead end here since your husband won't help you. NO WAY would I clean his room, but I would keep his door closed, never go in there, spray bug spray daily at the door and just not mention it anymore. I would not clean, and I damn sure wouldn't wash his clothes!! He is a grown man, he can either wash them himself or buy new ones or go dirty, not my problem. He is not a child.
I just want to say thank you
I just want to say thank you for all of your advise. Some of it hurt a little, but I kept an open mind. I'll keep you posted.
I'm a "bag and trash" fan
I'm a "bag and trash" fan too. Has worked wonders for years. Interestingly enough, my bs13 rarely even brings things into common areas anymore.
Well it's your choice. I
Well it's your choice.
I don't know your husband. You sound like you are afraid of him. What does he do to you when he "gets mad"?
You know not all abuse is physical.
It is not a good sign when a wife has to be afraid of her husband.
The 20 year old is just a worthless pig. Probably no changing him at this point. Do you feel that being a slave to SS keeps you safe from your husband's anger?
I lived at home at 20 with my
I lived at home at 20 with my mom and stepdad. I worked full time and went to school full time- like it sounds like he is doing. I kept my room a mess. My mom just closed the door. Stay focused on him trying to better himself, not that his room is clean. I would leave my house at 8 am and get home at 10pm. Do you think I cared about my room being clean? No- I care about bettering myself to get out and be stable. I have been out of college and my mom's house for 16 years- and it was very helpful to have had their help when I was in school. Now- I am a better financial place and help them when they need it.
You are right pick your battles.
Thank your point of view.
Thank your point of view. He's a good person, I'm proud of him, he doesn't do drugs, he doesn't cuss us out, he even buys me and my son something for Christmas and our birthdays. He's just a piggy. When I've told him to clean his room and he looks at me like he hates me, it doesn't feel good. I walk away feeling that he looks at me like that simply because I'm his stepmom. But I don't know if that's just me feeling sorry for myself. Then I start trying to see his side of it and I start realizing that he is busy with good positive things. I just get sick of his dirty room. I used to blow up and once I did that there was this huge cloud of negativity in the house, then I felt that it was my fault because I lost it and went to far with my yelling. It's an awful feeling, it was stealing my joy and life is just too short.
Sometimes we just have to do
Sometimes we just have to do what we have to do to keep peace in our homes and our relationships.Does it make us feel like weak,powerless doormats? Absolutely.
There are just some things that we know these men do not want to have to handle and that sucks but we cant make them step up and the only thing that gets accomplished is yet another spat.
I find myself waffling between "If Im irritated about it then Im gonna bring it up and he can be pissed if he wants." and "Im just gonna keep my mouth shut cause its not worth the fallout it will bring",which is usualy a few days of BF shutting down and us not speaking.
It absolutely sucks and its a miserable way to live but Im just not at that point yet where Im ready to give up and all I can do is try to keep the peace.