Introduction to me and my life.
Oh god. I dont even know where to start. I will introduce myself and go from there.
I am 24. Three years ago I got together with a man that had two kids. We had our own in 2016. She is my whole world. We have had a schedule since the day she was brought home from the hospital. Since I've become a mom I have lost who I am as a person. I use to be a fitness fanatic, now I'm lucky to get to go once a week. I use to love cooking, now it's a thankless chore and a battle. I'm a very independent and solidated person. I like my alone time.
My SO is 31. He works a demanding job with minimal time off and even when he gets it he is still mentally at work or busy doing other things which leaves me as the sole caretaker of his children when they are here. He doesn't see the negative effects of that on them and their behaviour. He can be a good dad but he needs to deligate his time better. They come here for him, not me. And it is not fair to myself or his kids, or our own as I am stressed out and constantly fighting with them to obey our rules and respect our home.
My step daughters are 10 and 4. The 10 year olds attitude get out of hand but other than that she's relatively good. The 4 year old is a whole different story. She fights with me for everything and anything. I can see the lack of attention from her parents are hurting her and she is acting out to get any attention. Which breaks my heart because I know what a sweet girl she can be. We have them every two weeks.
Since having my daughter my SO has expected me to become a mother to his kids, to which he told me he would never expect me to do in the beginning. Something i don't and didn't ever want. I am not their mom. They have a mother. Granted she keeps having babies with whatever man will cross her path but. That's a whole different can of worms I'm not going to open. He says I'm hard on them. Expect to much. That kids will be kids. Yes. I get that to an extent. I dont ask for much. Just respect. I do everything for them from plan birthdays, Christmas and every other holiday( I do all the shopping), to making sure they have meals and healthy snacks, making sure to buy them clothes when they need them, and love them to the best of my ability. It's not the same unconditional love I feel for my daughter though.. when she hurts me i still love her. When we start having our own battles, I will still love her. With these kids I know they will grow up and not care about me. I am and always will be, just the step mom. So why should. I focus all my time on children I won't matter to? Why should I devote my daughter's time with me to them?
Why? Because I have to. It's plain and simple. Or else I get attacked by my SO for not loving them. Or wanting them around.
No. That is not right. I shouldn't be guilt tripped when I'm exhausted, drained and stressed out from children that aren't mine. He needs to step up and be a parent to these kids before they resent him for life for ignoring them and being selfish. He is my father and let me tell you, after they divorced I didn't see him much. I even went 3 years not talking to him when I was 13.. I'm still not that close to him. But he is my dad. My step mom? Well she's exactly that. A step mom.
Step parents will always be just a step parent. Replaceable. Easy to forget. So why should I even try to make an impact on these kids.
I have my daughter to teach, and mold into a lovely person.
I'm just feeling done, unappreciated, and ready to give up. Ready to start over just the two of us to take on the world. It would honestly be easier than the life I'm living now. I do love all these kids. But I've been holding this in for 3 damn years.
Thanks for reading.
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Comments
Be more specific about how
Be more specific about how often you have them.
My question also. OP said
My question also.
OP said they have the skids every two weeks. But doesn't say for how long each regular visit. A week, two weeks, 48hrs every other weekend?
Every two week, for two weeks
Every two week, for two weeks at a time.
Every two weeks for two weeks
Every two weeks for two weeks
Sounds like you have too much
Sounds like you have too much responsibility for your SD's. You need to clarify to your DH what you are willing to do.
You indicate that a step parents are replaceable, easy to forget. Kind of sucks when the shoe is on the other foot. If that is how you feel, why did you sign up to become a piece of furniture in your home?
Good luck to you
I met my DH when skids were 8
I met my DH when skids were 8 and 9. They are now 19 and 20. I tried very hard to get along with them, and we did at first. But when our BS8 was born, things changed. I think they were jealous or maybe they were at the ages where kids start acting differently (that 11/12 range)? I don't know what happened, but it all went to shit. Neither one has any respect for me and neither one could give a hoot about BS8. We haven't seen SS in over a year and thankfully SD lives in another state (for now) so don't see her often. doesn't matter, because she just sent me a super nasty text message back in August.. over NOTHING.. so I'm done trying and my DH knows it and understands.
DH used to get mad at me for "being too hard" on skids but I wasn't. I wasn't expecting anything different of them than I do of our BS8 and honestly, I feel that I am way harder on our BS8 than I ever was on them. I think he sees that now. BS8 is a well rounded, bright, funny, respectful kid. SD20 is a sociopath who wants to drop out of college, who lies, manipulates, and is just a not nice person. SS19 is a high school drop out, with no job, no driver's license who sleeps and plays video games all day. Proof is in the pudding.
This is one point you should
This is one point you should mention to your SO when you are telling him how overwhelmed you are. If he expects you to 'mother' his daughters then you would have given birth at 14 and 18. Which you didn't. HE is their father and HE is responsible for how they are raised. So he works hard away from the home. Maybe you should swap places for a few days (more than 8 and less than 12 usually gets your point across) to see how difficult it is. His daughters have a mother and expecting you to mother them is disrespectful to them and their mother. He needs to stop this expectation that you will love them like they are yours. They are not yours, they are the children of another woman and you will not try to undermine or take over caring for children whose mother does an OK job.
Maybe he has no idea how to deal with daughters and thinks you are a girl so you will get it all sorted, NAH, wrong answer. He needs to show them how a good man treats the women in his life or they will gravitate to any man who shows them a hint of affection. By then it will be too late.
As someone who has been where
As someone who has been where you've been, just be patient with yourself. It takes time to get all of this under stable control.
I am primary care provider to my ss12 who is on the spectrum, so its not like having a regular 12 year old. Your SD4 sounds a lot like my BD3.
My SO works a lot like what it sounds like your SO does.
I just signed up for a positive parenting solutions webinar and it makes a lot of sense. You might have to grin and bear it for the time being (although you shouldn't have to-by any means) but at least this will give you support in managing these kids when they're in your home.