Only for the kids.

Yes, absolutely. I would do it for my boys. I also get along fine with my ex-MIL, who is a total saint, and in very poor health.

Add to that my own experience as a child of a brutal divorce: in my 20s i came to judge my parents very severely for not being able to put aside their differences ( from decades ago) and be in the same room for an hour or so, for the birth of my kids or for family funerals. If i can do it for my children, i think they could have done it for me once or twice.

Here is an interesting take on this particular question from an expert:

http://www.thestar.com/news/article/576619--mom-loses-custody-for-aliena...

"Nicholas Bala, a Queen's University law professor who specializes in family law, said "badmouthing" or negative attitudes by one parent toward another is quite common among separated couples. But in recent years, the justice system has begun to understand the harmful effects of the worst form of this behaviour.

In most cases, the problem is resolved through counselling, where parents are encouraged to accept they'll both always be in their children's lives, said Bala. "I tell them, `... if you're the survivor, you'll be going to the other's funeral, not because you love that person, but to support your children.'

"Having said that, there are some people – and I think some of them are suffering from personality disorders – who will not respond to therapy and will not respond to directions from judges."

My takeaway is: bio-parents need to love their children MORE than they hate each other.

I think it really depends on the circumstances. If we got along, then of course. If not, then no. I think it causes unnecessary drama and stress in an already tenuous time. There is no blanket statement to cover it all.

However, given that my family (although I'm not so much,but I go through the motions) is a mixture of buddhist and taoist due to our ethnic background, I would say that although it would be inappropriate to attend it, I will light a stick of incense for the ex-family member for both my child(ren) and I, in hopes of safe travels to the next life. That way I don't have to go, and my child knows I am supporting him/her in my own way.

In any case, I would think I raised my child to respect my, and anyone else's comfort level, over their own desires. If not, I have bigger things to worry about than an ex-family member's funeral.

By the way, my grandmother from my dad's side was abusive to my mom throughout her elderly years, so much tha after the stress of dealing with her caused a miscarriage, my dad refused access of his mother to step foot into our home in the last three years of her life, even though she said she wanted to reconcile (although chances are she just wanted to wreak more havoc). My mom did attend her funeral, and I saw her back shaking from the last row and she looked like she had tears in her eyes--turns out she was actually laughing at the absurdity of it all. The woman who locked her out of the house in the rain, 1am, the night after her wedding until 6 in the morning because my dad was out on business, passed, and all these people were mourning her death who did not know what she really was, was too much for my mom to handle.

She cracked up that day, but I don't blame her. Not one bit.

I'd go for sure I love my exIL's, and that whole family and they love me and mine and exh's kids, not only would my kids want the support, I'd be going because I love them too they've been my family for a long time.

When my step-grandfather died, his ex-wife came to the funeral. Now, they had a cordial relationship. There was no hating going between the two of them. I don't know of any PAS that occurred, but then again that was all Way before my time. He was married to my grandmother for 30 years. My whole side of the family found it weird.

He and the ex had 3 kids. They're all adults, like 40-50's. They all have kids, like teenage/college age kids. They've gotten along reasonably well with my grandmother. And really... she wasn't there for her kids or her grandkids, she was there for her. She was more sobbing, emotional, dramatic than anyone, to the point that my grandmother was comforting her.

I get the being there for your kids. I get the being there and giving your respects. And maybe his kids thought she had a right to behave the way she did. I don't know. I felt like she was trying to turn it into a circus and I rather resented it.

It's all about circumstances and the way people act. But generally... I find it strange, particularly once the kids are grown. I think it's prone to creating more drama than it's worth.

I would never go to my ex's funeral. But for very different reasons. This is a man who has stalked me for 30+ years - showing up in different cities, etc to proclaim his ever lasting love.

He married the woman he was cheating with about 6 weeks after we split. They are still married. She is aware of his feelings for me. It would be horribly cruel for me to show up at his funeral.

That plus I would be the person doing cartwheels on his grave. }:)

I am the most innocent "other woman" ever. People that have heard me talk to him on the phone have chastised me for being so rude to him - then they hear the facts. So I know I have never encouraged him. We do not have children together.

DH's ex-MIL is dying of cancer. I'm really hoping DH ignores it when she dies. He has referred to her as "white-trash" in angry emails to BM, so I know he can't stand her. I really hope he doesn't ask me to send flowers for SD21 because I won't. SD is old enough to deal with it herself. As it is, I hope ex-MIL is too sick to come to SD21's graduation party in May...

me and my dh might go to my ex's funeral (my kids aren't close to his side of the family), but no way in heck i'd go to his ex's and i'd be pretty upset if dh went. he has a long, bad history with his ex's family, although i don't know if he'd want to go, i'd have to put my foot down. i want these people as far away from me and my family as they can get and it'd be out of bounds if he went to hob-nob (cause he sure as heck wouldn't be mourning). his mother would definitely go (still tight with the ext) and could be with the kids to suppor them. i just can't wait till someone in dh's family passes and his scroungy, money-hungry ass ex comes and butts her way in

Not the kid's parents but I do think about this idea every so often because DH's mom is married to BM's dad. They are both getting on in years and DH's mom has several health problems. So what I end up thinking about is that when the inevitable wake/funeral of MIL happens in the likely not so distant future BM will be there comforting her father. And will likely try to hug my husband. Barf.

I avoid funerals if at all possible. Especially when the departed is lying there dead for everyone to see. So I never attend any funeral if there is any excuse not to. I suppose I will have to attend my mother's funeral, but I don't have any intention of attending those of any more distant relatives, especially if they are not my blood relatives.