I'm drained, exhausted, and DONE! What would you do??
Do any of you have older skids who live with you?
Quick version of the story:
My husband got his gf pregnant 34 years ago. They didn't get married. They broke up. My husband was in the military and was stationed overseas. His ex-gf met a "wonderful" new man who wanted to adopt my husband's son. My husband finally decided to sign the papers thinking it was the right thing to do.
Fast forward 33 years.... [during which SS had a "HORRIFIC" childhood] (not really, but he thinks he did) SS (at around 30) and bio-dad (my hubby) reconnect and establish a relationship.....
Last year SS(33) wanted to move to NJ to "start a new life". He left gf and son(2) two states away and brought his daughter(4) and moved in with us. He was supposed to get a job, get established, find a place, and then gf and son would move here.
Here's the problem.........
SS(33) has a part-time job. He gets food-stamps and medical from the state. My husband and I have been trying to teach him for the past year to be financially responsible. It got to the point where I had to take over his bank account and give him an allowance each week. I signed for a car for him in December and he's to make the payments - he's already behind a payment, but I made it since my name is on the loan too. His insurance went up because he forgot to send them a document so he sent required document, insurance got re-evaluated, and still went up. In two weeks, he has to have $450 for insurance and car payment. He gets child support taken out of his check for 5 kids, so for PT, his 2 week check is $100.
Basically, we have become SS(33)'s personal piggy bank. I FLIPPED OUT today because I saw two charges on the bank statement - #1 for $9.95, which is a monthly fee, started Jan 20, 2013, for an online GAME and #2 for $2.23 - a coffee and newspaper from the local convenience store. Oh yeah, and I had to give him $20 last night to buy cereal and something for dinner tonight for HIS DAUGHTER!! I'm livid. In one year, he has shown NO improvement. I'm ready to kick him out and put SGD(5) into foster care. (Please don't judge - you don't know the FULL situation - my husband and I cannot take a 5yo on full-time and after talking to child services, we would get visitation at least one weekend a month. And bio-mom can't have her - son was taken from her by CS 6 months ago.)
Has anyone been through this with an older skid? Have you done anything to get through to them (we've done a lot in the past year that I didn't outline above, but nothing has helped). We've been nice, we've screamed and yelled, we've thrown up our hands and said 'You figure it out' and NOTHING WORKS?!?! What can we do other than kick him out (homeless, on the street) and put her into foster care? It's obvious he's using us and yeah, my hubby and I have allowed it to go on this long, but do we just give up because it's never going to get better or is there something else that we can do??
- NoWireHangers's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Honestly, when my husband and
Honestly, when my husband and I first talked about him moving in, my husband actually said "It's like I'm letting a stranger off the street to come live with us." I should have read into that statement more a year ago when he said it!! I took it as my husband didn't really know his son (which he didn't) because it's not his LEGAL son, just his bio-son. I should have taken what he said more literally and said NO! But that's neither here nor there...decisions were made and we can't change the past.
Again, since my husband didn't know his son and only knew certain things from talking to the ex-gf, my husband thought he was doing GOOD and doing THE RIGHT THING in taking him in to live with us for a few months and to help him out in getting on his feet. It didn't happen and we just don't know if we should give it more time or just pull the plug and be done with it?!
As far as the kid, if either my husband or I had family around us that could help, it would be different but it is just him and I. We both work 40+ hours a week, my husband travels for work A LOT, and I'm taking classes for my Bachelor's Degree part-time right now. How much are we willing to sacrifice is a question that we ask ourselves A LOT!! Unfortunately, after sitting down and thinking about it and weighing our options and looking at life full-time with a 5yo, we came to the conclusion that foster care was the only way.
He has FIVE children and he
He has FIVE children and he "decided" to quit his job a "re-establish" himself. That should have been a huge red flag!
Sorry, I will help my dh give SD all the tools she needs to be a functioning, productive adult. It either takes or it doesn't, but it will not be my problem either way!
He didn't have a job in his
He didn't have a job in his previous state where he lived. He couldn't find work. There were A LOT of things we didn't know about (5 kids being one of the MANY). So, there were no "HUGE RED FLAGS" until this past summer when everything started to unfold and we felt that we couldn't kick him out because of his daughter.
My husband did not raise this child, someone else did. My husband felt bad because the kid gave a really good story about how hard he was trying where he lived and couldn't do anything. "If he could just come stay with us for a few months and get established, it would really help out!"
In December 2012 and prior, he was getting massive hours of OT at his job (he's a cook at a restaurant) - he was working about 50-60 hours a week. According to SS, the franchise manager came down hard on the store manager for the labor rate and everyone was cut back to 30 hrs or less by the end of December. Unfortunately, this is another part of the problem....instead of going out and trying to find a 2nd job or another job, he decided to just get lazy and do nothing about it. I told him if he's feeling depressed to go to the doctor or a therapist. Other than making the appointment and driving him there, I don't think he'll do it?!
Anyway, had my husband actually raised this kid, I do believe that things would have been different. While my husband's never admitted it, I think he might feel that he owes it to his kid to at least try because of the decision he made 30-some years ago. Unfortunately, on the flip-side of that, my SS seems to have the 'you owe me' attitude towards my husband and I. Hopefully your SD is at an age where she can accept the tools you're giving her because apparently the saying is true, that you just can't teach an old dog new tricks!
Well, for starters there
Well, for starters there should have been an end date when he moved in, as in ....you can stay with us for 3 months until you get established in a job and get a small place of your own. He is 33, not 15. This is his life, now. See, that is where people get hung up on helping their "kids". I can totally see helping an 18 year old if they're going to school and trying to better themselves. Hell, I can totally see helping a 25 year old for a few months while they obtain a position in their field and start their independent life, but at 33 you've made choices that put you in the position you're in AND, more importantly, this is his life FOREVER. He is doing nothing to better himself. Not one thing. So I ask you, how exactly are you helping him? You aren't. You aren't helping him do anything better. You're merely saving him from having to try.
I am very much of the opinion that if a kid graduates high school, decides not to go to college, military, trade school, etc. and gets a part-time job, they're on their own. That is THEIR LIFE. They've made a choice to enter adult-hood unprepared. Good for them. Not your problem.
Your dh is playing his role very well. Kid comes to him, throws on the guilt and your dh fell right into the trap. He brought the kid as insurance, knowing full well that you guys wouldn't put him on the street with a child. Your dh needs to stop playing his role. He can't save him. He didn't raise him and he isn't responsible for how he turned out. If your dh bailed and the kid didn't have another father figure, I'd be feeling differently about that because I think parents who bail on small children suck, but since another male jumped in and took the LEGAL responsibility for him, that male should be on the hook for how he turned out.
It wasn't a "quick" decision
It wasn't a "quick" decision for my husband in the beginning and my husband doesn't have any feelings of guilt anymore. My husband was done a few months ago.....I think he's just been waiting on me to stop trying to change someone who just isn't going to change! (FYI - Yes, I just had an ephifany, one that I should have had months ago!!!!!) Honestly, SS would have been kicked out Nov 30 if it weren't for me. And yes, SS sees his daughter as leverage. I've come to realize that some people should not be allowed to have kids. So yes, there was guilt (from DH and from me). DH wanted to try to help SS out. There was a time when I couldn't imagine putting SGD(5) into foster care. Unfortunately, the more I allow myself to see in this situation, the more I come to realize that I've never heard SS say "I love my daughter more than anything and I can't live without her". Nope, never said that.
And now that I really think about it (and thank you all for your comments, it's really opening my eyes to A LOT), when his son was taken away from the mother in October, he didn't do anything to better his situation then to get custody of his son. I wonder what he would say if I went home tonight and said "I'll give you $10k to leave now but you can't take your daughter"? I would if he would actually want to take the money and leave. Sadly, I think he would. So yes, poor child, but I know she would be better off with a family that can love her then with him.
My husband was done a few
My husband was done a few months ago and I guess I'm the one that "saved" my SS because of the 5yo. At the time I had a lot of guilt about putting her into the system but after talking to my DH and talking to a woman I work with who grew up in the system and who knows the entire situation, I started to realize that her being in the system would be better for her than living with a father who doesn't show her love. She will get the help she needs in foster care (therapy, speech training, education, etc). We will still see her and we will still be a big part of her life, but it's not something that my husband and I can do on our own on a daily basis.
As far as eviction, we don't need to evict him in our area. We can just kick him out.
Thinking back, even though his mother was begging us to help him, I should have seriously questioned why SHE wouldn't let him stay with her?? Probably because she's done with him too and wanted to pawn him off on someone else who would support him.
Oh well, at this point is it what it is. Yup, we know that he's a loser a-hole and apparently, at 33, he's never. going. to. change.
You guys have no idea how much you're helping me just step back from the situation that I've been deep into for a year and look at it differently....it's truly helping - I can feel the 'guilt' that I thought I was having for some unknown reason just melt away.....
I honestly don't know what I
I honestly don't know what I would do in that situation. I don't know that I could put a 5 yr old child into the system. Is there no one else that could take her? Ss's bm, any of this girls aunts or uncles, her great grandparents??
Putting her into the system
Putting her into the system was not a one minute, quick decision made by my husband and I. Because of the issues with the bio-mom and her having the son taken away, we got evaluated by child services too. They came into our home, did their inspection, met with us, asked us a bunch of questions, etc, etc, etc. At the end of it all, the women met with my husband and I and asked us the hardest question of all "Would the two of you be willing to make this a more permanent situation for "Sally" if SS was not in the picture?" I was completely speechless and my DH was seriously thinking. I said "I don't know, I need to think about that" and then my DH said "Yeah". So, DH and I talked and talked and talked and drew up different scenarios and talked.....for a few MONTHS. Then, they wanted to close the case, so the case worker met with us again and talked about the "permanent situation". That's when we asked about visitation and she said that we could probably get her as much as we wanted to if we weren't willing to make it permanent.
Some people just don't have the support structure in place that other's have. It is me and my husband. My family is far away and so is his.
To answer your question regarding the specific people:
Ss's bm: she's in another state and a couple years from retiring and has major health problems and seizures
any of this girls aunts or uncles: We don't know any of them - they were all notified when the son was put into foster care and none of them took him
her great grandparents - are not alive
I'm afraid this is a case of
I'm afraid this is a case of too little, too late.
DH thought giving his son up for adoption was the right thing to do.
There are people that have gone through far worse than this man-child, and have turned out okay.
This guy sounds like my exH. When he got laid off, he got super lazy about finding another one. I was ready to divorce him. He was like, so you're going to kick me out on the street with no job? Yep.
Well, I couldn't get him out of the house, since both of our names were on it. So I made preparations to move out. Once he saw I was a serious, wow, he found a job!! Needless to say, I still moved out and got my divorce, but you get the idea.
The ONLY way this man-child is going to learn a lesson is if you stop rescuing him. Okay, so you didn't know the whole story, well, now you do.
I only wish there was some way the little girl didn't have to go to foster care. Maybe once you kick him out, he'll straighten his act up and get a job and the girl won't have to go to foster care after all.
Thank you. I wish there was
Thank you.
I wish there was something else we could do for her too and maybe we can later, but not right now. The best we can do right now is to put her into foster care and get visitation with her at least one weekend a month (hopefully more). Unfortunately, I don't think he has the "love" for her that a parent should have for his daughter, at least that's my opinion based on his actions towards her that I see in my house.
Again, thank you. Yes, I was looking for perhaps someone who did something with someone like this and it finally worked out, but it doesn't appear that's going to happen but I really appreciate you understanding and perhaps just reiterating to me that sometimes you really do just have to pull the plug and say you're done (and follow through).
Unfortunately, I fear you are
Unfortunately, I fear you are right about the "love" thing. He has 4 other kids that he doesn't seem to miss. And living with someone you kind of can see if they're loving their kids or not. I'm pretty sure noone would have to "guess" whether or not I love my child.
BTW, my son is adopted. Different situation, obviously, but I can't imagine raising him into adulthood and then having him seek out his biomom and expecting her to house him and deal with him.
Usually, when a person is
Usually, when a person is like your SS, being irresponsible is part of their personality.
It wasn't until my exH was forced to stand on his own two feet and not rely on me any more for money that he started being more responsible.
But it was still not a 180 change. Granted, he spends more time with our daughters now than when we were together, and he has his own place, but he still screws up every once in a while. The only nice thing is now when he screws up, he doesn't drag me down with him.
What you are currently doing is only enabling your SS, so in a way, pulling the plug so to speak is actually helping him.
Good luck to you!!
How about finding a family
How about finding a family shelter for your ss and his dd? Pack his things and move him out. They typically have caseworkers there that will help with employment, low income housing, etc as their goal would certainly be to get him out as well. Might be tough to find, but if you are in a larger city you might have some luck. Also have him look into applying for some low income housing-Im assuming he'd qualify with a young child and a part time job. But you are going to have to push him out the door. Maybe being FORCED to stand on his own is the thing that he needs.
I didn't even think about
I didn't even think about that. I will have to look into it. There is a place near us for single parents and their children, but I think it's only for battered women but I will certainly look into it more! Yes, he can get low income housing, but his 2 week paychecks are only $100, so I don't know how he can a rent payment, even if it's $50/month.
I blew up at him last night. My husband and I gave him a list of 10 things that he needs to get done/scheduled by this Friday otherwise, he should plan on packing his bags and we will buy him a single, one-way bus ticket to the city of his choice. I'm not so cruel that I would kick him out on the street with no money in the freezing cold (even though that's probably what he really does deserve!)...the least we can do is pay a few bucks for a bus ticket. (sarcasm)