cant think of a good title
So basically ,today they broke every single rule we gave them this morning.
Not one did they skip. (except for the school related ones...TWO OF THEM!)
Oh my god.
I'm beyond PISSED. I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO.
The punishments we gave them :
1. A week without phones and + 1 week for each gadget they turn in. They gave their laptops, mp4 players, and cameras along with the phones. And they unplugged the TV. So that's 5 weeks. They said they know it and accept it.
2. We took their clothes.. LOADS of clothes of pretty good brands,and left them only the simplest stuff.. Jeans, plain tshirts, we took their make up, perfumes, jewelry. only underwear and MOST simple clothing.
We can't give them school uniforms because we don't have those around here, and we can't send them in PJS because then people would think and say stuff..and that could reflect bad on husband and me.
They turned in even two thshirts with the explanation " it has a line on it, it's not plain enough now is it"
3. We told them - you will not get any more money or gifts untill you behave. They went and got everything husband got them lately and all the money they got from him. They returned it all.
4. They got grounded - no going out for 3 weeks. Now they won't come out of their room except to the bathroom.
5. We took everything away from their rooms - they had beautiful decorations, curtains, vases,now it's nothing except the most basic stuff - bed, wardrobe, table and chair. And a rug.
6. We told them they will not be eating any more desserts, snacks,etc. only healthy meals that they can eat or not eat anything. There will be enough food for them, there will be healthy snacks like fruit and vegetables. BUT, nothing like pizza or hamburgers or cake or ice cream. Also they will drink water,tea and fresh juice. Not soda ,not energy drinks or anything else.
And a few more minor stuff.
BUT... A new problem arises.
We literally took everything. There's nothing else we can think of to take from them or make them do.
And..the problems start.
We gave them extra chores.
We wanted to use the +10 books idea. We borrowed a neighbour's child's books since she's older than them and in college now,but...
There's the problem.
They won't do the chores. They won't do school stuff. NOTHING. Not even the stuff they actually should.
Nothing. They won't get off their beds.
Husband and I wanted to ignore them unless they are polite,but there's nothing to ignore. They won't even look at us.
Also, you guys suggested calling the police.
I can't. They'd laugh and let it go. Or just say to stepdaughters "behave girls" and walk away. The police is not an option. Even if it got more serious than the examples i gave you now, it still wouldn't do ANYTHING and it'd be pointless.
So anyways, now they're in their rooms and have been for a long time. Won't come out. If we go in there, they stare at the wall. If we stand in front of them,they stare through us.
I think my husband is about to cry. I suppose it hurts to see what your children are actually like...
I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO . i'm beyond pissed.
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Comments
I agree with cheri. If you
I agree with cheri. If you have tried all that other mess, a good old fashioned ass whooping might be just what they need.
Granted, we never want to take it that far, but I KNEW when any adult in my presence had a belt draped around their neck, that I would plan my day accordingly. I'm not one to tempt fate.
Edited: and the more they are able to upset you guys, and know they are getting to you, the more you encourage the game. They are winning. Ignore them for awhile, whether they are being nice or not. Don't tell them to do a Damn thing. Don't take their dinner to them. Literally act like they aren't there. They will eventually need something. Take their stuff, get rid of the electronics, stop buying easy grab food, if they get hungry, let them make a sandwich.
If they try to talk to your or dad, ignore it, if they call ur name, let it take 3 times.
Right now, they feel like the most powerful and important couple in the world. Because they know, exactly how to upset to, and make dad cry. Who's dad cries?
I know right! The Mr
I know right! The Mr sensitive men. I can honestly say, of 5 uncles, various step dads, bf and husbands, I have seen my ex cry, in court because he was going to jail, one of my 5 uncles at a funeral for his brother, and one of my moms bf when she left him, because he was too much of a pushover. And I'm pushing forty.
That's a Damn good question dog person, because the men we read about here, and the one I'm with, are not. They are afraid of their own kids. And ex wives, and mothers. And most all females, except their current wives for some reason.
This is really starting to
This is really starting to tick me off with these two snots.
Don't just take their phones for a week. Turn the Damn things off and let them get their own phones. They can just live without them. Cell phones and all that stuff, are luxuries. They are loving this game and think that they have it figured out.
Hell, maybe you and dad should sell some of the electronics and go for a nice dinner, every night, and don't invite them, and don't bring leftovers. They can have some soup.
Is there a way to split them up? So they can't sit in one room and plot? Make separate rooms for them. Divide and conquer. And without phones, they can't comminicate. You can be grounded all your life, bit if you share a room with your best friend, its not so bad.
Stop thinking weeks with
Stop thinking weeks with these two start with months I spent my sophomore year in my room because I didn't care about a 3 month grounding and loss of my stuff that was fine I'd just do what I wanted at school or on my mom's time or sneak out. Then they started feeding me in my room shutting the water off in the middle of my long showers, weeks turned into months, then turned into my mom on board both houses. Then I got walked into my first hour class by MY Dad!
I started to shape up but they didn't let up one bit for a YEAR!
I've done this to my own dd she spent 8 months grounded with a mattress on the floor 4 pairs of plain pants 6 plain baggy tops plain undies and socks a pair of boots a pair of tennis shoes, nothing else, I drove her to and from school and if I couldn't grandparents helped if I wanted to do something fun my 15 year old (at the time) had to have a babysitter (my parents)
She doesn't care about weeks she cares about months and it really really hit her when I cut her off from playing card and board games with ds.
Isolate, cut them off from each other and do not return their things months not weeks.
oh and from the sneaky kid,
oh and from the sneaky kid, but alarms in their windows, and the exits from the house don't forget the basement if you have one, if they are willing to sneak out a sneaky kid WILL try to squeeze out a tiny basement window.
Hab one oHold on
Hab one oHold on ladies..WAIT. I dont even think where they are right now is even 12 hours in the this. You dont send an addict to rehab and break them of their addiction upon arrival. You have to take the crack away and then let them hot rock bottom. You have all the crack taken away and stripped them down. Rehab 101.
Now these little girls expect you Hubby to crack. Pls given him the this is hurting you more then it is them and it will be worth it in the long run.
This is a mental battle. And brilliant at that. But you have to let them see your united.
Days ahead will be rough. The longer you hold out the easier it will get for you.
You guys have one major miss step that will yield you high rewards. SEPERATE THEM!!!! There is a leader and a follower. No interaction accept at meals. If one of you leaves the house one must be with you.
Eventually the weak one will break. One thing I know is evil sisters. SM here sent my SD in here as a team. The first time I refused to have oldest here we retained visitation with youngest. She sung like a canary.
reak them first, they have to hit rock bottom to come back to reality.
If it makes DH feel better have him journal a letter to them every day about how he feels, eventually it will include the growth he sees in them and the rebuilding of their relationship
Whatever happens you stand
Whatever happens you stand your ground (dh too).
Ignore them.
If they are rude the entire week won't do their chores, then they go that much linger without. Keep a list of what they didn't do.
They come to you and say its been a week where's my phone. You grab your list and say
On Monday you were supposed to do abc.
On Tuesday you were supposed to do def
Etc.
Dad and I put parental controls on your phone so for every day you do chores you earn on hour of phone time. Here's your phones, the only people you can contact is dad and I everyone else is blocked.
When they do their chores on Monday, they prepay for an hour on Tuesday.
But my guess is they think.you will cave and they win.
Ah the old chicken game. They
Ah the old chicken game.
They are waiting for you to blink or crack. Of course they can hold out for you to crack because they will expect it to happen inside the next 6 days. And then they get their phones etc back and all is right with the world.
My OSS spent 2 yrs in drug court and 'the system' going through a series of steps to earn back his right to live in society. Did they give him back his privileges after the first month? Not likely! These girls have called the shots all their lives and when their father made a decision without their consent (marrying you) they flipped the switch.
They will not care for your child. Consider that a done deal.
I take it they are in High School... your DH needs to make it clear they are on their own after high school.
The phones are gone for good. The TVs and computers are gone for good. They fully expect to get all this stuff back before the snow melts. But YOU and DH hold the keys. And they are not getting anything back for some period of time like 4 months than 4 weeks.
BE strong. Hold out. If my DHs ex had been more aggressive in dealing with my OSS bad behaviour as a young kid he would never have ended up in drug court. However when you give in too easily you are only opeing up for heartache down the track.
I agree with oneoffour, it's
I agree with oneoffour, it's like a game of chicken. I'm really sorry that you're having to go through all this.
I'm not sure if sending them
I'm not sure if sending them away would be best. Their aunts and uncles / grandmother would let them do anything they want, and now that they showed what they're capable of, we can't be sure what will they want.
I know it must hurt them, and I understand me being a target,but still...they're hurting me. They could hurt my child. Something ahd to be done and it felt reasonable to take a role in that.
Though it may have been a mistake.. :?
I want to thank you all for
I want to thank you all for your replies. <3
Tonight there have been more issues so we made the punishments tougher. But it doesn't seem to work.. But we'll stick to it.
I hope this doesn't end badly.
You are at square one of a
You are at square one of a long game of life for these kids.
My DH and I did this to his teenage kids: And it worked for 3 out of 4 of them. (The forth is now coming around since we kicked her out of the house). You and DH made one mistake, you gave a time limit to the punishment. So yes the girls are waiting you out and attempting to prove they are more stubborn than you.
Rewrite the rules of the game my dear.
When we stripped the kids everything was gone. School uniforms (walmart.com). They had one comb each, a toothbrush, deodorant, and one towel for their shower. After hygiene was complete the articals had to be back in their assigned drawer. And yes, my DH would check.Everyday. He let them see that HE no longer trusted THEM, and that THEY would have to EARN his trust back.
Bedroom doors were not allowed to be closed. Homework was done at the dining room table. Planners had to be signed/ initialed by the teachers daily on all assignments (or lack there of). There was one chore daily for each kid. And lots of time for them to sit and stare at blank walls.
What brought his kids into line was this thought: This IS MY LIFE NOW. If I want it to change and be better, I have to change how I am behaving. There is no "end date" where life will go back to normal without my having to change anything.
Your DH needs to let the girls know their refusal to do what is expected of them has resulted in their punishment becoming permanent. And the only way to get back to life as normal, is to earn it back. Shut off the phones. "Give away" all the elctronics (aka give them to a relative to hold onto, but let the girls believe Goodwill has them).
Separate them. Yank doors off hinges. Except the bathroom door. However you can limit time in the bathroom. Bathroom breaks are once an hour for 3 minutes. Showers are daily, time limit 5 minutes. They are in there to clean themselves not relax under hot water.
Confiscate their razors. Hairy underarms and legs are not fun. Same with any acne treatments. No make up. No hair products, no pony tail holders, combs etc. If they have fake nails, take them to a salon and have them removed. No fingernail polish etc.
Everything is gone. Life as they know it is over. Rock bottom. And will remain there until they dig themselves out.
Then your DH has to stand there and not blink. He is giving his children a choice. They can accept life as it is. Or they can choose to behave and earn their crap back slowly. VERY SLOWLY.
And what they earn back initially should be the little stuff. The ability to have a 10 minute shower. A razor to shave with. A single can of soda. (My DH had the kids eating off paper plates and drinking out of plastic cups. So he literally made having a real plate, real cup and real silverwear a privilege that they had to earn back. Using salt and pepper on thier food was also a priveledge.)
Your DH is required by law to give them a bed to sleep on, three meals a day, clothing to wear and a roof over their head.
**There is nothing saying they have to LIKE the food/clothes either. My DH made liver and onions at least once a week while his kids were on lock down. He loves the stuff... those nights I would order pizza... and eat it while the kids were choking down liver. (Yes, I am a bytch).
Three of the four teenagers we locked down: Now use manners, are respectful, do homework without having to be reminded. They do chores (they are teenagers, sometimes these chores are half assed), ask if DH or I need help. ASK if they can watch tv, use the computer, use the phone, go outside, etc etc... they are aware these things arent gimmies... they are privileges.
It can be done.
But your DH has to mean it... stick to it.. and refuse to blink first.
Justhiswife- YOU are MY
Justhiswife- YOU are MY hero!!!! You werent afraid of being a TRUE parent. Bravo!!! My steps were warned today that I WILL do this if their lies dont end!!! Their faces were extremely scared!!! Bwahaha!! You helped this stepmom emmensely today! Thank you!!