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The little digs... How do you guys cope?

red flags's picture

Submitted by red flags on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 10:33am

So last night I told FDH something that was hard for me to admit... Every time the topic of our wedding comes up, SD10 makes a not-so-subtle dig towards yours truly. Last night she informed me that even after my wedding, "we" meaning her and "daaaaaddy" would still be referring to me by my maiden name. He was good, in that he quickly corrected her. But it was hard for me to admit that these constant little digs hurt my feelings. I told him that I just try to ignore it, and that I'm not giving a 10 yo power over my emotions, but that it was hard not to get bummed out when she says things like that.

Anyone else go through that around their wedding? What did you do? Did any of your skids do anything AT your weddings or wedding related events? My new mantra lately has been no power = no responsibility, but this sort of falls outside the scope.

Comments

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 10:44am

It's weird for kids to see their parents marry someone else, I think.
(In this case, perhaps she thought you were keeping your maiden name? I kept my old name for years after marriage. It happens.)

Just ignore the digs, correct when necessary. I think I was married to XH for 5+ years before SD really "accepted" that I was around rather permanently.

Stepcop's picture

Submitted by Stepcop on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 10:48am

I got it too. Not just around the wedding but about a year leading up to it, around the wedding and still now almost 6 months after. It has cooled off, and its much more passive aggressive jabs now, but its there. I started out ignoring it, then I got fed up and tried to rationalize with an irrational person...WRONG MOVE!! She flipped out. I was out to get her, blah bah blah. So I just started confronting her each and everytime. She escalated her behavior so that about three weeks before our wedding she started threatening suicide (now come to find out this was all a ploy to try to stop the wedding and get her way....cost us over $700 with insurance for her to have a giddy fit!). We had the wedding, she was out of the psych ward by then, and she pitched a fit at the wedding, ran off and couldn't be found. Over something her brother said to her (don't know don't care what). Brother made faces in ever single professional wedding picture. After months of her being hateful and ugly to me, admitting to dh she has never accepted me and didn't want to, she now has cooled to where her comments are really just for my benefit. If I'm bent over picking up something, she'll say something about my butt getting bigger and I should probably go on a diet, or my feet are big, my hair is short, just anything. (For the record these are her insecurities, I've lost 100 pounds in the last 2 years, where a size 7 shoe, and cut my hair after the wedding because I wanted to, and I like the cut). Just anything she can pick apart. She constantly comes around dh pulls up her shirt and asks him if she is gaining weight. I tell her to stop fishing for compliments, it's annoying to people. I hope yours gets over it soon, you really need your SOs help reining her in. I know it would help me a lot if my dh saw my sd's comments as more than just normal teenager. He's very quick to forgive her last behaviors, I don't that easily.

sterlingsilver's picture

Submitted by sterlingsilver on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 11:21am

my sd 27 stayed with us for a week 2 weeks before dh and I got married. She made several little digging comments, one being, "don't you ever wonder what my dad does for all the hours he is out working? He's know for liking his women". So basically she was just trying to plant doubts in my mind. Later she told me she was upset her dad was marrying b/c he'd tried it twice before. She is from his first marriage and his second wife did not treat ss27 very good at all. I guess I am proving to be different tho and we (sd and me) and getting along better now. She has a new baby and I am buying things for the babe and we are going to visit her this month and I am bring her many things. She loves gifts! Just ignore the digs, she'll grow to accept you over time. My ss15 refused to come to our wedding and disappeared for a couple days over that time to his friend;s. They all react differently.

red flags's picture

Submitted by red flags on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 12:26pm

Thanks for sharing your experiences. Sometimes it makes things better just knowing that other people have been there too. I tell myself that she's not doing it to hurt my feelings on purpose. Her dad never married her mom and having her didn't change that he didn't want to. Her mom has never married or had any other kids. I think it must bother her to think about me getting something her mom always wanted and still doesn't have. That's got to be tough. Even though her mom sucks at life, she still worships her. I suppose that's normal. I just don't want her thinking its okay to ruin my big day, but I think I'm going to ask FDH to take her out to dinner when we get closer to the date and talk to her about being nice during the wedding events so she doesn't hurt my feelings. If she can't do that after they talk, I'm going to ask him to give her permission to opt out of the things she doesn't want to do. Seems fair, right? If she has all these conflicted feelings and doesn't want to participate, I shouldn't have to stress about her ruining them for me.

imjustthemaid's picture

Submitted by imjustthemaid on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 12:50pm

You have to just ignore it. I married DH when SD had just turned 11. She was so mad that it was no longer going to be just her and daddy. She tried to talk about all of these fake girlfriends, tried to tell me he still loved her mother. Then she turned on my DD who was 5 at the time and told her that her daddy will never be hers and making fun of her that she will be the only one with a different last name. She was really cruel. DH did put a stop to it but she still tried when he wasn't around.

Then she tried to get MIL to buy her a mini wedding dress for my wedding. The kids got uninvited!! Me and DH decided we didn't want the kids ruining our day considering every single day is about them. This was one day just for me and him!

The more I ignored her, the more she thought I didn't care what she had to say. It took the wind right out of her sails!

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 1:32pm

I suspect you are intruding on her little family especially as she has never had to share her parents with any siblings.

So idnore the crap remarks or ask her to repeat herself as you don't quite understand what she means.

sonja's picture

Submitted by sonja on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 1:44pm

This post got my blood boiling... again.. lol

DH and I just got married and guess who but SD5 BAWLED HER EYES OUT throughout the ENTIRE ceremony!
Like out of her seat, draped over grandma's lap crying (for BM), give me a BREAK!

But anywho, in addition to that she referred to the wedding thoughout the planning process as 'at my wedding' or 'when me and daddy get married' HA!

MarriedaBallessWonder's picture

Submitted by MarriedaBalless... on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 2:45pm

My fat assed step son continued to call me by my former married name for 2 years. I knew he was doing it on purpose. I never corrected him. He wanted a reaction and I refused to give him the satisfaction.

I'm glad your FDH stood up for you. That is very important.

Congrats on your upcoming wedding.

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 4:49pm

this is exactly how i would handle it. no reaction at all. that pisses people off more than any reaction could, especially since a reaction is exactly what they want. i had a coworker who was jealous of anything and all things female.she was constantly making digs at me. i never reacted in any way. acted like they went right over my head. i could tell it drove her crazy to not get what she wanted.