It strikes me that BM is being very manipulative and controlling, and the changes she wants aren't so much to improve SS's life or his relationship with his Dad, but because BM wants to yank DH's chain and prove that she has the power. Honestly, that is all it is - we had this constantly with NPD BM when the Madams were growing up.  She just wanted to push us around for the fun of it.  And maybe SS has now taken a leaf out of her book and finds it fun to pull his Dad's strings. 

I suggest that you and DH decide what the two of you want and stand firm.  Don't be cajolled into going to BMLand because the stupid bint says you should!  

Has your DH ever told her point blank that he sees through her attempt to complete alienate SS from his dad? just a throw it on the table and see what happens kind of last ditch effort?

I'm going to say, you have a very clear view of what is going on... and the negative impact it has on your family, and your SS.

A child's sports should almost never be the top priority in a family. I will only put the "almost" there.. because in some situations, I guess, you have some massively talented child that is destined for greatness.. (olympics, nba, nfl etc).. and even if the kid "is" talented, not every child can or should require their family to sacrifice everything for the sports.. because things like family dynamics (other kids etc..), finances.. etc.. the family has to also be sustainable for everyone.. you can't sacrifice everyone for one person's benefit..   If a kid is massively talented, generally, you will find that the sporting community will often figure out how to support families through struggles.. kids get scholarship support... other support etc..

but, you all realize that this is NOT where your SS is headed.  For him, sports are an interest.. and he (I guess?) enjoys participating.. whether it be for social aspects.. fun.. etc..

I will also throw it out there that I am personally not a fan of the "new sport" dynamic for kids.. these "pay for play" type "travel teams" that seemed designed to separate parents from their money... pretending they are some conduit to the big leagues... lining the kid's shelves with trophies that are earned at "tournaments" where divisions are so sliced up that almost every team participating comes home with some kind of award.  (the cheer my SD was in that would compete in tournaments with only 2 or three teams in her division.. so guaranteed.. first, second or third..lol).   Here comes my "old lady rant".. In my day, if you were on a team, you had a schedule of games maybe 8-10 games in a season (all in your fairly local area).. then maybe there would be a tournament at the end for the ONE or TWO winning teams in the league... that would be larger regional.. ONE tournament..  

And.. kids would generally participate in a couple things a year.. a fall sport... and a spring sport.  Some kids did things like swim team in the summer.. other kids had just regular old summer break.. families traveled.. kids went to camp.. older kids had pt summerjobs.  Schools "might" have some practices for fall sports like football training start in August (before SEPT school start).  Kids were not generally put in round the clock sports.. where parents struggle to carpool to multiple obligations every week.  Practice was maybe once a week.. you practiced your skills with dad in the back yard..or with friends at a local park.

Especially now, with most homes having all the adults working.. it becomes overwhelmingly a tiime suck for everyone.. and when multiple kids are involved.. shew.. parents going this way and that... 

And.. yes.. I get that being active is good.. encouraging social activity is good.. there are definitely very positive things from being involved with sports.. but there are also a lot of important things learned from spending time with your family.

IMHO, your DH should not give in on changes.. he needs to insist that he remains an involved parent.. and everything you said above.. the judge needs to understand that while your DH supports his son's interests.. he can't do it to the point that he becomes a non- person in his son's life.

Perhaps your DH could offer up that HE will take full custody and enroll kid in his local sports. BM can take the NCP role.. 

The sports issue...not going to address I'm in your corner. My kids played sports. It did NOT rule our lives. One of my children was excellent at all sports she did....guess what? No scholarship offers on that but she did get scholarships on academics. So, yeah...sports didn't rule here.

Now....crossroads. As ESMOD said, you have really clear thinking on this subject and the impact on your family. I would strongly suggest NOT giving in to the BM and send a hard "punch" back, so to speak. Send an email.....very little words...."this is not acceptable. I will continue to follow the court ordered visitation times." Do not elaborate. That is ALL I would send back on that ridiculous email.

With that said, I don't see much changing with the PAS. In fact, it will ramp up. And sadly, the end result will not be good. But standing up for that visitation is an important thing to do and to document for SS when he's an adult, should he question these days. And while I advocate for standing strong on the CO, I also would not fight it within the courts nor fight very much in my personal life. Let the BM waste her money in the courts. Let her withhold visitation (and I wouldn't fight it...just send an email to document). 

Bottom Line - Your BM and GF are masters at PAS. It's rare to win against that behavior. And its sad because the PAS'd parent and the child(ren) are the ones who really suffer. I read a psyche paper years ago on PAS that said most kids never come out of it and the ones that do, it's often after the PAS'd parent has died so no closure for the child. 

You and your DH have little to no power when it comes to SS. You and your DH have ALL the power to protect your child(ren) in your home. Focus on that. I'm sorry, CastleJJ. My heart hurts for you everytime I read about your SS and that nasty BM/GF. Big hugs.

Everything you said about her points to a real selfish, control freak.  But the thing that stood out to me the most was your DH having to give up a day of his piddly 57 day allotment because he had SS for 21 more hours one time.  That is so sad, I can't believe somebody would do that.  

I can see the manipulation from over here.  She knows good and well what she is doing.  She wants to have SS in all of these sports as an excuse to keep SS with her, then tell SS "See, Daddy doesn't care about you.  If he cared he would come visit you here and cheer you on at your million and one sports".  Nothing you and your husband do will EVER be good enough for the great, wonderful and powerful BM.  It's all about control with her.  

As a Christian I find it funny that she's having him reading the Bible and trying to help him with his faith?  Did I read that correctly?   Us Christians are NOT perfect by any means, but I've never seen a true Christian behave the way that BM does.  Many claim to be but they are called wolves in sheep's clothing.  

No kid needs to be in that many sports.  I know just baseball alone takes up A LOT of time.  SS played it and spent many days after school at practice or he had a game.  He wanted to play football one year and we let him.  That was the only year we let him do two sports in a year.  It helped that they didn't overlap.  After that my husband told him to pick one.  He chose baseball.  It's good for them to be involved in things, but not too many things.  They need down time, they need time to do homework, concentrate on studying, etc.  They are in school mainly to learn, not become a famous athlete.  If they do someday become famous, great, but they need to get their education.  Most kids are NOT going to be famous athletes.  

Your husband should tell her no.  No more adjusting the schedule.  You can't with this BM.  You give her an inch, she takes 100 miles.  

You are right BM Wants to run the show where you get no time with SS.  SHE [BM] knows the visitation schedual and should plan all sports teams around said schedual.  I can't believe he's was bench because he went to see his BF.  If he was bench BM picked the wrong team.  That's on her not you.

You know living so far away puts you in a bad spot  and thus is not going to end well 

BM moved and created all of the tension. She also drags you and DH around by the short and curlies and you both have allowed her to turn you and your family into her show ponies who she has trained to jump through y our own asses backwards for her benefit.

So, no more changing shit for anything on the parenting plan. Never. For any reason.  She and GF give up family time for sports and that is on them. Not you.

So, no more discussion. When she asks, smack her in the face with a rolled up copy of the parenting plan.  SS needs clarity that the parenting plan is the official document. Period. Dot!

No more unlateral shit for anything from BM. It is her parenting plan if I recall correctly and it should be your and DH's unequivocal stance that she follows it to the letter.

She moved, she can accomodate SS's time with DH and your family.  And for F-sake, stop letting the Hag team stay in SS's head 24/7 while he is with you. He loses the phone from the second he arrives with DH, gets it under direct DH hairy eyeball for 20mins each evening, and that is it.  BM and her Hag twin are so interfering with DH's visitation that it is time to go to the position of NO! and NO! only for anything BM attempts.

Really, they have trained you and  your family to be their beck and call biotchs to the point that you are fully indoctrinated into their controlling bullshit.

As for BM and GF and their cult indoctrination of SS, end that crap now when he is on visitation.  SS expects an adult seat at the table when he is with his father and  you, play that as a parenting tool.  Talk with him, put him in the position of understanding that faith is an individual relationship with God and his mom and her Hag twin cannot define that for him. His faith is his to define.  

No more sports bullshit interfering in family time. BM hates the message that family comes first because it is a threat to her manipulative controlling bullshit.

Really, keep it stupid simple. The parenting plan says what it says and it will be complied with.  Beat BM to a pulp with the parenting plan, review it with SS in full and minute detail highlighting that BM can't do the shit that  she keeps doing and from now on the rules will be followed. I would review it with SS ever visitation highlighting BM's bullshit between visitaitons and exactly how it violates the PP.

We never had this crap to deal with because we never, ever, entertained any deviation from the visitation schedule or the CO.  They complied with it, and so did we.  Though the fact that there was zero indication that they had even read the CO let us pretty much do what we wanted as long as we payed lip service to the CO.  The main element that we leveraged was to ignore the part where they were required to give us a 60 day notice prior to any visitation they were excersising. Specifically around the start date of their 5wks of summer visitation. We pretty much just told them when it would start rather than them telling us.  We did that to accomodate our summer vacation/travel plans and they sucked it up and dealt with it.  "Sorry, that start date does not work for us. He can come on Date X".

It has always baffled me that your side has always been the jump through your asses trained circus act to BM's crap rather than taking the animal trainer whip to her idiot ass any time she violated the parenting plan.

Time for the facts to be crammed up SS's nose how mommy stole him, mommy violates the parenting plan, mommy and GF do not get to interfere in his father's visitation time, and there will be no more digital umbillical cord bullshit beteween BM/GF and SS on DH's time.  I so wish for peace and sanity in all of this for you, DH, and your kids.

Stop considering any manipulation by BM and start doing exactly what the parenting plan stipulates and enforcing that on BM as well.  No discussion, no "but, what if, whaaaaaa" crying bullshit from BM. BM should have no choice but to STFU and do what the parenting plan she wrote says she has to do. 

She has never followed it but is now finding it limiting to her agenda and is extremely threatened by SS's consideration that "family comes first". BM does not get to define shit for anything beyond her "family" on her COd time.  IMHO that tells your side very clearly that the parenting plan scares the shit out of BM and it is time to cram it up her idiot ass sideways.  

Time for full on enforcement and tolerance of nothing less but total and complete compliance by THEM.  No more jumping your entire family through their hoops.  Not even a little bit.

DH has been BM's bitch th entire time and you have all suffered because of it. Enough is enough.  Daddy needs to grow some man sack and end the BM/GF destroying your family and his son.  It may be too late to salvage SS at this point, but..... too late or not, daddy needs to actually be a man and man up for himself, his failed family spawn, and most imporantly for you and your young children.

Grrrrrrrr!

Stop playing their games.

Is like that meme of the guy riding his bicycle and then taking out a stick and sticking it in the spokes falling and then wondering why (DH is doing this).

Your DH did exactly what I was going to suggest he do, and he worded it perfectly. He should try and limit any more conversation about the topic. I know this is easy to say and hard to do, but try and not worry about it until she actually files the paperwork and takes him to court. Then you can decide how much more you want to fight.

I also suspect the other reason she is doing this is because your last few visits with SS have gone well, and he has even shown a few slight instances of standing up to her. She does not want him to want to visit you, and she does not want him to enjoy himself when he does, and she for sure does not want him to ever stand up to her. She knows the  more she can limit visits the  more she can control him. So sorry this is never ending - but at least your DH is refusing to entertain her anymore.

You have no choice,,but to stick to your guns.  Following CO.  Once you give a inch BM will take a mile. With all this sports games and practice  There will never be a time he will not miss something.   And if he dies have a free week BM will sing him up for something else.  Sports teams are use to divorce parents and visatations.  At 12. There has to be a certain amount of talent needed to play, or start all games.  At 12 yo you know the amount of talent SS has. College scholarships, or not.

You will have to tell us how BM responds once she finds out DH will get to claim SS on taxes since he pays CS once that executive order goes into effect.

The weaponization of religion is sickening to me because we went through that too. This time BM used it to disrupt your DH's time with SS by keeping him glued to the phone, in the future I wouldn't be a bit surprised to hear that she's using it to turn SS against you somehow, assuming your religious philosophy doesn't 100% align with hers.

I feel like your DH handled her message about schedule changes the best way he could. Best to keep it direct and concise because this woman clearly wants to fight. She's a complete nightmare.

This is incredibly childish, but if it wouldn't cause unnecessary drama for SS, I would be so tempted to tell BM that one or both of you have landed an dream job in her city and you'll be relocating. Make her scramble and panic thinking that you'll be pursuing 50/50 custody since she's so eager to "reframe SS's time with you". Even if you just let it play out for a couple of days, it would be a hilarious way to mess with her. 

What your bm is doing IS right out of the high conflict BM handbook , once again.  I always find it striking how these bm's are always the same. 

The response to BM was perfect. 

Years ago there was a ST member named "ORANGE COUNTY".  He said the following about court orders. "Don't ask for any changes and don't give any changes".  Orange County was right, he was always right.

BM highlighted that in total, SS will miss 4 major sporting events this season due to our visits. BM feels that since SS has to miss "so many" sport obligations to accomodate visits to our state, the parenting plan is no longer reasonable and doesn't take SS' best interests into account. 
 

but didn't you say at the beginning that she unilaterally dropped this kid off with y'all and now all of a sudden it's a problem?

I wouldn't even reply anything but "wow"  to that nut job then go discreetly consult with a lawyer

What does the kid want to do? Or is he being heavily influenced by BM?

Bio dad has a right to uninterrupted access to see and spend time with his son. And those extracurriculars are something everyone has to come to some middle ground on. Unless this kid is projected to go D1 / on elite teams at the current time then BM is likely using sports to interfere with bio dad's time because she is jealous and controlling. 
 

just my opinion