Poor kids didn't know BM was controlling them. And leadering them into a dysfunctional life.  There's nothing you can do now.  There is nothing you want to do.  This can not be fixed. Don't try 

I’m ROTGLMA thinking about one of YSD’s tirade about her cult leader, BM, and BM’s sidekick, OSD.

Here’s the irony: just a few months after YSD made this rant against her BM, YSD teamed up with her Mothership to call CPS on DH.

I remember that day well, when YSD came to us in tears, blubbering about how unfairly her Mothership treated her. If you didn’t know the picture, as an outsider you would swallow her tale of woe, hook line and sinker:

"My Mommy Dearest always favors my older sister. I’ve been stuck in her shadow my whole life! Mommy Dearest never treats me equally—it’s like I don’t even matter. Just recently, she bought my sister a brand-new phone and I didn’t even get my sister’s old one. The cult leader took my big sister’s old phone.  Life is so unfair, and Mommy Dearest is so mean to poor little me!"

YSD’s dramatics were almost convincing—if you were a bio-parent who wanted so desperately to have one of your offspring ‘come towards the light.’ That wasn’t me! Note, when a ‘rogue’ skid comes back, they will come back with half-truths and hyperbole. They won’t tell you their motive for coming back or give you all the facts. As an outsider, the stepparent, this is what I saw, the facts YSD would love to sweep under the rug:

Giving YSD a brand-new phone is like handing the finest, most delicate Waterford crystal to a stir-crazy male gorilla looking for a toy. Now, imagine checking on that crystal after, say, a day. What would you find?

That’s exactly what happened the last time the BM gifted YSD’s shiny new phone—however, (I believe a gorilla would have taken better care of it) the phone didn’t even last six hours before the screen was cracked, complete with a glowing green line running down the middle.

And that’s not all. Her previous three brand-new phones didn’t survive more than three days before they were rendered completely useless. To be fair, I can see why BM wasn’t eager to gift YSD another phone. Can you?

When it comes to BM favoring OSD, it’s not hard to see why if you compare their personalities. OSD is a people pleaser—at least when it comes to BM—and knows how to stay in her good graces. On the other hand, YSD, who has been diagnosed with BPD (I’d peg her as the petulant type), refuses to listen to anyone and only wants to do things that offer her instant gratification. In that way, she’s very much like BM.

The truth is, BM doesn’t have the patience for YSD because, if we’re being honest, YSD doesn’t add value to BM’s life—she takes it away. If YSD was like OSD, well then, it would be a different story.

During all this drama, I sat back and listened, watching as DH got his hopes up—thinking that, finally, one of his offspring was “seeing the light.” But, as always, YSD couldn’t help herself and overplayed her hand. She pushed too hard, demanding that DH get her a new phone. When he offered her his old one instead, she shot him the dirtiest look imaginable, as if he’d just suggested giving her a relic from the Stone Age.

A few things I learned from that time and the many other times that the skids seem to turn on their cult leader and tried to rope us into their triangulation game:

First, whenever the skids come back to us complaining about the other parent, it’s just another round of triangulation. They want us to rescue them, persecute BM, and let them play the victim. If this situation arises again, I’d suggest that DH offer to pay for their therapy.

Why?

Because maybe, just maybe, with a therapist—and some honesty and self-reflection—the skids could actually work on their issues. You and your DH are the last people that can help his kids and I’ll list the reasons soon.

However, YSD has a way of turning therapy into her personal feel-good session. With her BPD tendencies, she uses therapists as her “favorite person,” treating sessions as social entertainment since she struggles to make and maintain friendships. And, of course, the therapists are more than happy to take BM’s and DH’s money for an easy 55-minute session.

I would suggest a third party try to help skids instead of your and DH is because:

From birth, “PASed-out” children have been programmed to hate both you and their biological father. They’ve been groomed into the cult of the BM, with ingrained behaviors and ways of thinking that can’t be undone overnight. In most cases, this programming is permanent.

When a BM successfully “PASes out” her offspring, it’s often a reflection of her own personality disorder. She passes on her disordered ways, teaching her children how to process emotions and relate to others in unhealthy, dysfunctional ways. The guilt and shame the children feel while abusing their father and his wife or partner are projected onto their targets: in our case, its me and DH.

Whenever skids experience negative emotions, they automatically believe you’re the cause of their feelings. As a result, they avoid, neglect, or outright abuse you, perpetuating the cycle of dysfunction.

Because their mother has a disordered personality, she has conditioned her children from birth to see her as the sole authority in their lives. Her word is law. From day one, she has systematically undermined her now ex-husband—your DH—and promoted the idea that any negative feelings they have should be projected onto him and you.

Loyalty to her has become an ingrained behavioral pattern, deeply embedded and reinforced over the years. This is not something you or DH can break; it’s a dynamic that was carefully cultivated to ensure her control remains absolute.

The skids learned their passive-aggressive behavior from BM, and part of that package includes drama triangulation—especially when they feel someone has “wronged” them or when they’re overwhelmed by negative emotions. This is an ingrained behavior, and neither you nor your DH can fix it.

When they come to "the camp of the enemy" to vent about their perceived enemy, you might think they’d adopt the mindset of “the enemy of my enemy is my friend.” But that’s only a temporary belief. The true meaning of that saying is, “for the short time we share a common investment in destroying a mutual enemy, we are allies.” The key phrase here is short time.

YSD stayed in our camp just long enough to stir DH’s emotions, reigniting his rumination about the evils BM inflicted during their divorce and beyond. YSD succeeded in getting DH to rant about OSD. Once DH became emotional, YSD pounced, trying to manipulate him into getting what she really wanted—a new phone. And when that plan failed, guess what her next move was?

YSD ran straight back to the Mothership to report—probably verbatim—everything DH said about BM and OSD. This caused more hard feelings and more reasons BM and OSD hated us. The best part about it was, do you think YSD told her BM or OSD how she got DH to spill his guts?  No, because she was acting like a ‘sleeper agent’ for her cult leader. YSD was only telling us the part of reality we needed to hear so she can get back at her BM for making her feel bad about not getting a new phone, because she was jealous of OSD. That’s what manipulators do, they use seeds of truth to manipulate others. They don’t self-reflect to change for the better or to get away from the toxicity.  They know what the truth is to an extent – but because of their brainwashing (what I said earlier) they can never use the truth to better themselves.

As a stepparent, the best thing you can do is keep your disengagement when a rogue Skid appears to have ‘defected’ from the mothership.  

As for your DH, he will probably have to get burned once or twice before he understands that he can’t let himself get pulled into a Drama Triangle by one of BM’s foot soldiers.

As for the skids reaping what they’ve sown—even if they were once just kids—everyone grows up and becomes a grown-ass adult. Once you’re an adult, it’s your responsibility to help yourself. If you choose not to, that’s on you—and sooner or later, ‘the Universe’ will hand you one hell of an ass-kicking until you decide to straighten up and fly right. “The Universe” doesn’t care who you are. 

I can’t say this enough - as a stepparent, the best thing you can do is keep your disengagement when a ‘rogue’ Skid appears to have ‘defected’ from the mothership.  At that point, it's the rogue Skid vs. the Universe, and you can do nothing about the outcome.  As far as your BM is concerned, she has reaped what she has sown. That, too, is on her. 

I have reached a point where I'm indifferent to other people's sowing and reaping, and it's a good place for me. I hope you get there, too! 

Not sure what they thought they could accomplish with PAS-ing SS against us when they had only 7wks of long distance visitation per year and there were several periods of a year or more that they took no visitation over the 16 years we lived under the CO.

It definitely backfired on them with SS being the only person in the multi-generational SpermClan gene pool to be a successful quality adult.  Because of their crap and our raising him with standards of behavior, standards of performance, and keeping him abreast of the facts in an age appropriate manner his entire childhood, they lost him completely.  SS-32 is a performing adult, a man of honor and character and standing in his profession, life, and community. SpermGrandHag, the matriarch of mayhem in the SpermClan has been left pouting and moping in the corner as SS lives a good life and his three younger half sibs that the Hag raised are just fresher versions of the POS SpermIdiot that she  and SpermGrandPa created.  #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind the inmate.  Their idiot SpermDaddy is a pot head marginally performing moron who lives in a fantasy world of video games and CosPlay delusion while squatting in one of his parents rental properties rent free.

SS has had zero contact with any of them for years.  

Play stupid games or join in those stupid games, and all players win stupid prizes.  Sadly, the PASd kids have to live the consequences of their toxic gene pool's games and their own choice to dive in the slurry of shit that that gene pool is.  Make no mistake that these kids make a joice to join the toxic side.  As adults, their choices are theirs to deal with.

It is nearly impossible to fix or rescue stupid or toxic.  It is not worth the effort.

I agree with you PAS backfires in the long run, as your experience bears out. It has also been so in our case. BM brought the two SDs up to hate us and to give their father a hard time, fight with him at every opportunity, disparage him and me, and speak to him contemptuously. Now, they do this to most people, particularly SD29.  Neither of them can hold down a relationship, I believe as a direct result of this early training. Nice one, BM.