Oh god SD never fails to bring drama. Help.
Well SD10 is here and when I went through her bag to find her school diary for DH to sign, I found her phone and charger! God help me. Also found random clothes and an overnight bag packed with beauty products and hair oils. Massive wtf. No idea why she lugged that shit to school and here. Oh wait, she thought she was going to that year 6 party and sleeping over. Who knows, it's so wierd considering she doesn't even brush her hair. Oil will not fix her hair that's for sure.
She has been here for one night already. Most likely scrolling until 1am. I feel like I am at my wits end with this girl. DH has told her she is not going to the birthday party after the manipulative stunt she pulled the previous weekend with not coming here. She cried and got over it.
He had a firm talk with her about respect which she still is not grasping with me at all.
I also had noticed she would go upstairs and be alone in her room for long periods of time and now understand she was most likely texting BM how horrible we are and her friends. Behind our backs. The fact DH hadn't heard from BM makes me think she would also let SD not attend this party as she can't confront DH without exposing SD sneaking her phone here behind our backs. Seriously, surely SD has wailed to mummy saying how mean daddy is for not letting her go to this party!
It's so like BM would rather condone this sneaky manipulative behaviour and let SD miss out, than confront DH and ask why SD can't go to this party and be an actual adult and converse with him. Nope, using SD as a pawn is more her taste and It's so toxic I hate that this is going on in my home!
SS12 doesn't seem to have his phone here (it's not in his school bag) and he would tell DH anyway I'm sure. Obviously her phone has a passcode, so naturally we don't know what it is as they never bring their phones here.
Does DH have the right to know his 10 year old child's passcode if her phone is in our house? Has he got the right to see what she looks up and who she converses with? Has he got the right to tell her to leave the phone off overnight and keep it in his room on charge and allow her parental controlled screen time? I think as she is only 10.. yes but after the bullshit we have been through she deserves to have that phone taken away for good!!
Please send help. I am so exhausted from disrespect and toxic energy this child brings into my home and risk of exposure to my children. I'm hoping BM might rock up to SS cricket game and take SD this afternoon. But then she would attend the party and that would piss me off. Ugh. Plus her phone is here so she will most likely come home for it.
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SD is out of control
She playing her BF against her BM. To some end ? / ? Only she knows. What that end is
A Resounding YES
YES, you have the right to have the passcode to a TEN YEAR OLD KID'S phone, especially in your home. Number one reason? SAFETY!! I have a friend who works for Homeland Security, prosecuting Child Pedophile cases and tracking/prosecuting sex traffic criminals. Why ANY parent would let their young children have a phone with internet completely unsupervised is beyond anything I can comprehend. The internet is filled with these monsters, trying to get to our kids.
Personally, I'd confiscate that phone. It's clear she's not supposed to bring it...so backpack search on each visit and phone goes on the shelf until she goes back home. I would NOT let a minor be in my home and unsupervised on the internet. You darn well know, should your 10 year old SD get in any kind of trouble, BM will blame you and your DH. That's exactly what I'd tell the screaming BM.
I completely agree I hate
I completely agree I hate that there was a phone upstairs hidden from us that has zero parental controls!! It makes me so angry that she has brought this device to our home and tried to hide it. BM gave her and SS these devices so life is easier for her.
Well when DH got home he did confiscate it. It's turned off and sitting on the top shelf of our cupboard in the kitchen. DH explained she is still in trouble and he confiscated it for the remainder of the time she is here.
She at first was a bit rattled and asked can she do her streaks on Snapchat. Then when dinner was ready DD4 said SD was napping.
We went upstairs and she was crying. Only because she was caught again in bad behaviour. She said she only brought her phone because she thought she was going to the party and sleeping over. Again, the party was not a sleep over!! SD must have already organised it to be one herself. Nothing on that invitation said sleep over.
DH explained they will be having reoccurring chats about the events leading up to this weekend. There are a lot of disrespect happening. I told him she is lying when she said she forgot her phone is there! The fact she wanted her streaks not to break means she would be chatting to god knows who on Snapchat for ages last night. I am so livid with her I don't even know how to be civil with her.
Ummn... Snapchat is for age
Ummn... Snapchat is for age 13 and over. How about telling them that she's only 10? They will probably shut down her account ASAP because it's a liability for them.
Yeah I should! I'll report
Yeah I should! I'll report her TikTok too. The government is trying to bring in a new law that all social media accounts are to be 16 and over. Apparently there will need to be evidence uploaded to support it. I'm sure BM will find a way to get around that no doubt.
Worth a try ... even if only
Worth a try ... even if only to watch BM trying to justify leaving her preteen open to predators.
And you and your DH would be in the clear because you'd have acted in the interests of a little girl.
I heard about that on the
I heard about that on the news. I think that would be really helpful. Social media is so bad for young kids and teens.
Take back Dad's Power!
A couple of thoughts - Dad is not acting like he's a parent. He's definitely not acting like he's an EQUAL parent. And he's certainly not acting like he feels he has any value to add to this child's life. He's acting like a scared child who's worried that his best friend will break up with him if he doesn't do everything demanded of him.
Caving in to a 10 year old will mean an alienated and horrible teenager. Now is the time to instill values and raise the child. So start with taking that phone. No, a ten year-old does not need or have the right to unencumbered access to a phone. I don't care who bought it. And yes, as her parent he has every right to the passcode to the phone so that he can keep tabs on what she does on the internet. It's a bit more grey area of monitoring her conversations to either parent, the courts don't care for that, but free internet and overnight scrolling - no court will back that. Tell her she can have it for an hour a day after school in the living room. Or whatever suits you best. But no more disappearing into her room with it and scrolling instead of sleeping and complaining about you to her mother. If she has a problem she can have an honest conversation. But no means no.
He did great by telling her that she doesn't get to go to the party because of her poor behaviour. Go dad!! Good parenting. He needs to follow through. A discussion on integrity may be next. Tell her that he can't be with her all the time and that he expects her to be a good girl with her mom the same as she is with her dad. That she knows he doesn't approve of (whatever behaviours she's doing at mom's that are making you nuts....such as talking back, being rude, being demanding...). That he's trying to raise her to be a good person . Good people aren't rude to each other. They don't break commitments to come see each other. And they certainly don't go into their bedrooms and badmouth each other behind backs. It was a lesson we had to teach our sk's. BM loved it when they said bad things. BM said bad things. We told them we don't need them to fight our battles, but we would be very disappointed to hear that they were saying bad things about us behind our backs. And at the very least they should shut BM down when she was saying bad things about us by saying "Please don't say bad things about my Dad or my family". We vowed to do the same here (never badmouthing BM, but absolutely setting the facts straight when she was lying or asking SK to do something inappropriate).
He needs to parent this child. Especially right now when she has no right to refuse to come to Dad's house. If you think BM will take SD when you go to SS's game, then SD doesn't get to go to the game this week. Prevents the whole arguement from even happening! Phrase it as part of the punishment for being rude. OR go to the game, and when SD and BM kick up to high heaven that she wants to go with BM tell her a firm NO! It sounds like the child could use a bit more NO in her life. I believe you have a court order and a visitation schedule? It's time to stick to it. SD doesn't get to choose to not come over any more. And you'll tell BM that you'll see her in court for contempt if SD is not ready to go and in the car at the approriate time. If BM can't handle her child and make her behave (The old "I won't force her to get in the car if she doesn't want to go with you" line) then you can say that she obviously doesn't have control of the child and perhaps exchanges would go smoother directly from school, or that BM needs to do the drop off to your house so that she can ensure it happens. And if every time SD sees BM she says she wants to go with her - you say NO. Explain that mom and dad share her time equally and it wouldn't be fair to just leave all the time. The same as it wouldn't be fair if you split cookies between her and her brother but every time her brother said he wanted more you gave him hers. How would she feel? And finally, if BM can't prevent the scene and doesn't ACTIVELY encourage SD to stay with her dad then she can stay away from SD at these practices. If she can't do that, then SD doesn't get to go to these practices until everyone can act properly.
Whatever it takes to take your power back. Children need boundaries. They need both parents to care enough to actually give them rules and limits so that they can grow up healthy and respectful. At 10 years old it's not to late to be a parent.
Yeah DH was very hesitant
Yeah DH was very hesitant with SD. He said to me he feels he is walking on eggshells. I told him, she will do wrong and even more wrong if you are too scared to discipline her. If you do the right thing and discipline, it will make her think twice before she tries this shit again. So he confiscated her phone and actually told SD this exact thing. That she has pushed him into a corner where he is feeling that she will never come here again if he does the right thing and correct this bad behaviour. He said the fact is she is 10 and he is her father and he needs her to understand how she is behaving is wrong and they will have reoccurring chats about the events leading up to this weekend why she is punished and not going to the party.
Yes he said those words too about raising her to be a good person. He explained her manners and the way she talks to not him but friends too (that girl about her party) was rude. If she is invited to a party you accept a hard copy invite or a direct message from the girls parents inviting her. He told her she needs to stop assuming he will say yes to things and pre plan and pack her bag accordingly and not tell him her intentions.
He told her he is confiscating her phone due to being punished and in future if she wants to bring her phone here she needs to tell him and respect his rules regarding it here.
We barely talk about BM to the skids and if she comes up it's from them, and we don't comment. He did say to her though he's making a doctor's appointment as the 'help' over there clearly is not working as she's refusing to come here.
No, we don't have a court order. So if BM keeps her there all DH has to prove is that it was against his will and he doesn't have to pay any more CS. He did say it's not her choice and if she tries it again there will only be consequences she will face when she does come here because she can't avoid him forever.
He also explained her actions affect not just her but everyone else. He had to explain to her baby sister (DD4) why she wasn't there. We went to her grandparents house and he said he had to explain why she wasn't there either to his parents. Now she's concerned them with what's going on with her. She didn't even think of that and got upset that her behaviour has now been exposed to extended family. All over a stupid sleepover that she went to.
The more she disrespects us, by not listening to me or him, the more consequences she will face. He told her this is him teaching her how to be nice, respectful and a decent human being in life.
Who knows how much of this actually sank into her head but all I know she is used to getting her way over at BMs as she doesn't parent her and her uncle lives there and refuses to parent her and only spoils her. So when she's here our boundaries and structure is like a prison for her probably.
Anyway it's baby steps and we shall see how the next 2 days pan out. But she is very distant with me and barely speaks to me which again I'm letting go, but it's only because she's been exposed and probably can't wait to go back and tell BM how mean we all are.
As for me I nip in the bud her bad behaviour then and there and DH supports me with it with a follow up chat. So when she prods and tickles DD4 to the point she's so silly and stupid and then says 'no DD we need to settle' I calmly tell SD 'well she won't as you hyped her up so we will wait until the giggles are done, and then you BOTH settle down please'. SD glares at me and DH immediately follows up with the 'listen to floral as she is speaking for both of us when im not there'.
Sounds like you guys are
Sounds like you guys are doing the right thing. Of course he can take her phone. She's 10! By 12 she'll be like the Cash Me Outside girl.
Haha oh yep I'm not looking
Haha oh yep I'm not looking forward to that! She has been in her room all morning, it's almost midday. She has to come down and face the family eventually.
She reminds me of my niece.
She reminds me of my niece. My niece got on social media before age 13. She will talk to anyone and makes her information available to anyone and everyone. Yet strangely, her mother, my SIL,(not my husband's sister)would tell me that I needed to monitor what my daughter was doing online. But her daughter was the one not being smart online and mine always has been. I have debated whether or not I should go into detail but I probably shouldn't It would possibly give away my own identity if they were to somehow stumble onto this forum. I will say that as of right now I believe that my niece has been groomed by a woman in her 20's or 30's and tried to get my daughter to join a server for talking about things that they have no business talking about. My niece is still underage. When my daughter saw what it was about she immediately left the server. My SIL seems to fully support what her child is doing and I have cut off contact with her and my niece due to their behavior over the years. She has let her kids run wild and their dad is not allowed his own opinion but only hers. He is possibly collateral damage so I may not see him or my nephews again. I'm done.
Your husband needs to set and maintain his own rules in your home. Will it help SD become a better person? Possibly. But even if BM wins out and SD turns out to be a lost cause, which I sincerely hope does not happen, your bios that you have together need to be protected. People online aren't always who they appear to be and a ten year old child is easily manipulated. Anything bad can happen. Your bios need to have those rules in place and there shouldn't be separate rules for the skids. My SS had rules here that he had to follow BM may or may not have had the same rules for her home but he followed them here.