Transition days are the worst
I should clarify, transition *to* our house is the worst. Transition to our house fills me with dread and anxiety. Transition *from* our house provides me peace and joy.
The transition to our house, especially after a long stretch at BM, is brutal. It's like everything they ever learned about manners is totally forgotten. Don't get me wrong, I understand different house rules can be tough for a child to alternate between... but when BM doesn't appear to have any house rules at all?? Clearly at her house it is not encouraged to not speak with your mouth full of food, or the constant interruptions and complete lack of respect for adults, talking over people, whiny voices, screaming inside for no apparent reason. It's so painful.
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When I read your post title....
When I read your post title, I thought: "YEAH". We had the transition situation for 4 years before the 3 SKs moved in full time. That's why my life was better once they moved in, believe it or not. Plus, once they moved in, BM was less a factor in our lives with her eventually fading more and more.
The "kids" are all in their 50s and 60s now. As I think back on it, I think they must have also had transition issues each week when they went back to BM. Another reason why moving in here full time was better.
As I read about you younger SMs here on Steptalk and learn about the shared custody schedules, I just can't understand how that would work, based on our experience here.
I'm definitely with you as I remember the huge sigh of relief when the SKs left during the transition years.
As much as I don't
As much as I don't necessarily want skids full time, I can also see how having them full time would in some ways make it easier. Probably also due to less influence of BM and PAS.
I do feel for them. I can't imagine shuffling back and forth every 2 or 5 days between two houses, two beds, and two parents who hardly acknowledge one another, nothing would feel stable and I think those kinds of custody arrangements are primarily for the parents than what might actually be best for the kids. Of course that is a major generalization and every situation is so different with many different factors like co-parenting dynamics, ages of kids, etc etc. I don't know the answers, but I do know transition days suck. Every time.
How it went here
Heres how it went during the transition years. Friday, BM picked the kids up from school and had their bags in her car. (SD's bag often contained some bills. DH originally paid BM the CS but most of the time, she failed to pay the house payment, utilities, etc. After several times of us having to shovel out $ to keep the lights on, we just began paying them directly instead of to BM). It seemed like BM barely slowed down to let the kids out, I fully expected her to push them out as she SD peeled off.
Friday night was hell night with the SKs exhibiting their aggression, and turmoil.
Saturday, DH always took his 3 and my 2 somewhere for the day. By the time they all got home, they were tired and I was rested.
Sunday was the best day with everyone settling in. DH would take them home late Sunday BM would be sitting there, complaining of a headache, according to DH.
Fun years.
That sounds awful. At least
That sounds awful. At least you got some respite on Saturdays.
Oh preach! The skids must
Oh preach! The skids must live like absolute pigs at BMs because here they don't shower, don't brush their teeth, eat with mouths open and rude table manners (they actually eat alone in their bedrooms infront of their tvs over at hers so that's probably why), they leave lights on and tvs on when they aren't watching or in the room anymore, they are attitude filled, and have an air of self entitlement. It's tough and I effing hate the first 24 hours where they eventually settle into our routine but still forget basic human manners. Oh and they think they are above cleaning up after themselves so when we ask for them to do a simple task of rinsing their dishes they pout and end up mucking around. Does my head in.
Yep. Simple household tasks
Yep. Simple household tasks are scoffed at because apparently BM has trained the skids to think they are above them and it should be what cleaners or "maids" do.
I always gave my bios an hour
I always gave my bios an hour or so after arriving back home to readjust. That means they got sent to their rooms to unpack and chill out. I found it helped them manage their emotions better and helped them to remember how to be in my home compared to my ex's home.
That is a really great idea
That is a really great idea and suggestion. Kids do need that time to unwind and adjust.
That always seems to be the
That always seems to be the way.. That was the same with us too. We wanted just very basic rules for the life when they came over and it was VERY obvious that bio mom didn't have any rules. So the kids were sassy when we tried to do anything. Even small things like bring some recycling to the garage or put their dish away. Etc
The kids behavior was always the worst on the first 2 days with us. Which was usually the case as we only had weekends with them. If we had a week their behavior improved with us.
They were always sleep deprived and cranky when they came over and tended to snap at us unnecessarily the first day or so. This was during covid so that didn't help.
It seems universal that
It seems universal that transition days are hard on everyone. And why does it seem that so many BM don't enforce house rules? Typically mothers tend to instill those very things in a child, like how to behave around people, at the dinner table, how to treat others with respect. Why do so many BM not seem to do this?
Possibly we see it so much
Possibly we see it so much cause the stepmoms come to this site for a reason... Because the step kids act up with a bio parent with no discipline thus the kids acting up...
But you're absolutely right... It happens so much, see it all the time. It's the reason so many of these kids end up having issues. In my case my step kids were allowed to do whatever and were never told "no". They were allowed to be lazy and rude and did not contribute in any way.
Speaking as a BM, i didn't
Speaking as a BM, i didn't realize how hard 50/50 would be on the kids. It sucks, because the bioparent is happy to see them, but a stepparent usually is not. That's just the way it is. I never had anyone living with me, though.
When my bios were little, they went to the same daycare before/after school and when school was out, so their day to day lives were pretty routine. On my days, we just kept to the routine. Homework, dinner, relax time, bath, bed. Take them to daycare before the bus, pick them up after work, same thing again.
Transition was always on a weekday so it was done at daycare. In middle and high school, they just got off the bus at whosever house they were at. The district allowed them to ride one bus to and from their dad's, and another to and from mine so no need to negotiate pickups/dropoffs. Sports would just add one more step before homework. Neither was in an intense sport before high school, though, so that wasn't a big issue.
I guess the point is that routine worked for us. Having seen my SO's shitshow where nobody knew where anyone was supposed to be or when without multiple phone calls and texts, i believe in routine.
That makes sense and I think
That makes sense and I think routine is very important for people in general but especially children. Just hard when routine seems to have different meaning for different households. When your kids transitioned to your house did you notice anything different with behavior? Did they have a stepmom?
I didn't notice any behavior
I didn't notice any behavior changes. My ex was actually a pretty good disciplinarian. Borderline too good but not abusive. Like, i had them cleaning their rooms and washing their clothes in late elementary but he had them doing that and washing and cleaning his stuff too.
They had a few "stepmoms." One for several years. From what i could tell, the stepmoms never had to get onto them about anything. One would bring them to school when my ex was hungover. They appreciated that and never complained about her. Mostly felt sorry for her! I think the key was that he handled any problems before she had to. Didn't tolerate any disrespect at all. One thing she did do was take my youngest to get an atypical ear piercing for their birthday around age 13 and i wasn't consulted. TBH, i just let it go. I didn't see the need to cause a problem and my kid was happy about it.
So, i guess the combo was dad did all the discipline before she had to and i (BM) didn't have a problem with her that might poison the well so to speak.
ETA they rode the bus so she only had to take them to school a few times when they missed it. She wasn't responsible for any day to day care.
50/50 or joint stands out as pure insanity to me.
Though it is amazing how quality people raise high performance quality kids. Even when those kids are CODs. You are one of those people Rumplestiltskin. Apparently so is your XH/BioDad of your kids. Your children are very blessed.
The multi hand offs per week thing has always stood out as insanity to me. I have been binge watching clips and reels on blended family/COD challenges. One is led by an obviously really angry vindictive XW/BM who coaches other BM's through divorce and CO challenges. Those minions do not like it when I point out that the coach is clearly as much of a Narc as is her XW. She is about forcing her perspective on her XH. The topic that set me off on her being a Narc was that she demanded her XW provide clothing for their kids at his house and at each season change she would contact him with their size requirements, etc.... She harped on that for quite a while. If I were her XW, I would have some fun spinning her up. Another content creater is a family law attorney/divorced BM. Interestingly she is much more measured in her advice. Though she is very kid centric in her advice. I am far more a "read and enforce the CO" perspective person. She is far more in the be flexible column than I would be. But, I like her overall.
My favorite is a male family law attorney who also sat on the bench for 5 years. This guy is a rockstar in dealing with a Narc in the blended family opposition. He has clarity. He is all about keeping emotion out of it. He is about knowing the playing field, knowing your opposition, and not accomodating a Narc and their games.
Interestingly, not one mention of PAS in any of their chat spaces.
A big part of why our visitation/blended family journey was comparitively so simple is that we never had to to deal with a local custody of visitation environment. If I were the CP, knowing what we experiences, I would make a move happen due to an incredible work/financial opportunity that clearly was a major benefit for the kid. Better schools, neighborhood, travel opportunities, etc. I might even do it if I were the NCP in order to keep an unreasonable X out of my time with my kids. DW created this exact situation and environment for her and for SS. Not specifically as a goal. The lond distance blended family outcome was an unintended benefit of her leaving SpermLand for an accelerated BS program that she chose in order to complete her BS in 3 years instead of 4+ so she could start her professional career earlier and provide for herself and SS.
My give a shit about how
My give a shit about how tough it is on the kid(s) to transition is less than zero. It took a while but our model was instant compliance with our standards of behavior, standards of performance and rule compliance boundaries. No soak time. Set foot in our door, car, etc, it is game on.
We used to have a notable progression of pre-visitation behavioral degradation for about a week before he left to splash around in the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool followed by 10-14 days of post visitation behavioral detox. After a particularly notable session of detox upon his return we realized that he was old enough to understand and comply with the rules at all other times so the pre and post visitation crap was done. From then on he had no choice as escalating abject misery inducing consequences would start the moment we picked him up from the airport. The next visitation was a shocker for him but after the first moody behavioral bullshit session he knew better than to ever try that crap again.
What is hardest on kids is the lack of standards, tolerance for their manipulative behavioral bullshit, and them being allowed to believe that their fee fees matter at all. They don't. Performance matters and they should have no choice but to live that truth from the moment they arrive until the moment they leave. They should not be allowed to detract from the lives of everyone else in the home and family. Be decent, behave reasonably, or be gone to a corner of banishment after getting an ass baring publicly humiliating lecture and behavioral correction immediately in front of anyone and everyone present.
In an age appropriate manner of course.
Fortunately most kids and people are not like this. Which IMHO is why those who are like this should live an existence of zero tolerance for their bullshit. Why should their bullshit be tolerated to take away from the lives of everyone else?