We had 4 years, starting when SD was 11, OSS was 9 and YSS was 5, of weekends and school holidays.  BM was antagonistic and dealing with those 3 along with DS8 and DD7 was overwhelming. I was only 27 and suddenly had 5 kids between 5 and 11 and a busy husband.  After 4 years, the SKs began moving in full time, one at a time, over a 9-month period.  Actually, things got better once they all lived here - less transition, more consistency.

Flash forward and they are now SD63, OSS61, YSS57, along with DS60 and DD58.  It seems like people stay the same as they mature, they just get more like themselves.  So, SD63, the manipulating, lying mini-wife, is still a lying manipulator.  OSS63 was always a sweet boy.  He's become a kind, thoughtful man.  (He was here today doing some work).  YSS57 was a sneaky, witty, popular athlete.  He's still a secretive person with a charming personality.

Thankfully, DH87 never let them show disrespect to me, no matter what they might have felt.  BM poisoned their minds, at least til she was too busy with her new guy.  They still show respect and I'm polite and civil to all (except I actually love OSS).

The whole situation is just so hard on everybody.  My SKs had the loyalty bond, then the feeling of abandonment when BM let them go so easily.  The transition days were hard on them and me and I'm guessing the same thing happened at BMs. My 2 kids were dealing with the confusion and shame of having a deadbeat dad plus suddenly sharing me with 3 other kids   DH was working a hectic job and dealing with me, his 3 kids, 2 step kids and BM calling over every little thing.

It's been a trip.

My SDs were aged 5 and 7 when I met DH, they are now 27 and 29.  BM taught them to hate me from the start, telling them all sorts of stuff including that I was a prostitute!  Charming, huh? They were both drama queens growing up, we lurched from one crisis to the next.  SD27 has now become a reasonably effective adult, but SS29 is still lazy, entitled, opinionated and aggressive, and I am now estranged from her. Neither seems able to keep a relationship going for very long. BM is still horribly chaotic and nasty. 

I met his (SS-32's) mom when he was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo.  So I/we tic the before he was a teen box.  My DW had full physical and legal custody from birth and the SpermIdiot/SpermClan had long distance visitation (7wks per year - 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) so we do not tick the 50:50 box.

However, we did have a contentious interface with the SpermClan with zero co-parenting.  They were toxic, manipulative, liars, and for some reason thought they could PAS the kid against his mom and me while only having intermittent visitation if they even bothered to take it. There were multiple periods of a year or more that they took no visitation during the course of the 16+ years that we lived under a CO.  Our situation was that the Spermidiot had nearly no interface with SS.  Most visits the Spermidiot would see SS for part of a single day for an entire visitation.  There was a couple of years that he moved away from SpermLand to the opposite coast without telling DW of his move and visitation was without any interface with the Spermidiot and SS was with SpermGrandHag.  So in addition to a number of years refusing all visitation the SpermClan conveniently withheld information that the Dipshitiot SPermDad wasn't even in the same half of the country during "his" visitation. 

Our particular cross to bear was the SpermGrandHag who appears to be our version of the BM who has exhibited very narcissistic traits in your blended family adventure.

Adoption came up a couple of times when he was a minor. He made it clear that I am his dad and papers would not change that. He did not want to cause hurt feelings on the shallow and polluted side of his gene pool so he declined for me to adopt him. Not that it likely could have happened anyway due to SpermGrandHag likely losing her Hag harpy banshee shrieking mind had we broached the topic with the SpermClan.

He did ask me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen and the judge signed the adult adoption order 4days after my son asked.

We never had the rude, entitled, and self absorbed crap to deal with.  He was almost without exception well behaved and respectful and far kinder than I am.  In large part that was all due to the clear standards of behavior and standards of performance that his mom and I set in our home and held him to.  He is exceptionally smart and learned very quickly and early in his childhood what would not fly and thus deliver a level of abject misery in his existence.

Our biggest challenge raising him was a couple of years of sullen disengagement in his mid to late teens while he sought a relationship with the Spermidiot which undermined SS's HS success when the Spermidiot helped him hack the firewall at school (Military Boarding School) and they would stay up all night playing WoW making SS a comatose zombie in class causing him to fail the only class on his schedule for the first semester of Sr year that he needed for graduation in the Spring.  For him to graduate from that great school after failing that one class would have cost us another year of tuition.  Due to our loss of trust in him and his choices his mom pulled him home at winter break and we put him in our local HS.  We had moved to a different State a couple of weeks after he started his first semester at Military School so he knew no one.  He needed both classes  (one from first semester and one from second), he needed an additional math class, two career track classes, and to complete an 18month Sr project for graduation.  In that district Sr project was assigned at Winter of Jr year and due in March of Sr. year.  Our kid had 9wks to do an 18mo project.  He had to appeal when the faculty project review team at first rejected his project as insufficient to meet the requirement.  His mom and I put that appeal entirely on him to request and defend though we did consult with him on what he needed.  Ultimately his project won a award for social improvement He wrote an informational booklet on Fetal Tobacco Syndrome which one of the three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other bio moms suffers from.

His mom and I are very proud of the man of character, honor and standing in his life, profession, and community that we raised together while doing what we could to protect him from .... them. 

Key to our close family and nearly unicorn level success in a blended family world was absolute adherence to the foundation that DW, me, and our marriage was the sole uncontested priority for both of us.  An absolute commitment that SS was our joint top responsibility, and clarity that as equity life partners we were also equity parents to any children in our home and marriage regardless of kid biology. It turned out that SS was an only in our marriage.

I would not wager on the outcome regarding adult quality for a kid raised in a 50:50 situation with a narcissistic manipulative parent.  Long distance visitation minimized that risk in my SS's adult outcome.

Set the standards and enforce the standards from the second they arrive in your home until the moment they return to BMs.  Tolerate no toxic crap from the SKids or from their BM. You and your SO partner and be the unstoppable  force to counter BM's toxic immovable object. Or, be both the unstoppable force and the immovable object and enjoy watching BM lose her mind and the kids learn that quality out performs toxicity every time.

SS24 (He turned 24 three days ago) has been estranged from us for 6 years now. In fact, yesterday marked a total of 6 years that he hasn't spoken to us. What I do know is that he's a boxer and does pharmacy work. If you've read my previous posts you'll know why. We have seen him a few times (Maybe like three times for the past 6 years but wouldn't even speak or look at us). All I know is that he hates both his mom (DW) and dad. Or at the very least resents them. He also hates me and his SM. He's referred to me as his mom's "dipshit husband" and his SM as his dad's "bitch wife". Can't win them all unfortunately.

I kind of lucked out. My SS was 7 when we met, but his mom was very stingy w/ extra Dad time so he had him the standard, every wed. evening and every other weekend. For all her attempts to keep Dad a stranger, SS is a great kid who became a great guy. She was a good mom, just one who didn't want to share him w/ his dad. Now, SS's 29 and engaged. He and his fiance bought a house nearer to us and we see them more. I think my Mr underplays his relationship w/ his son. But I see the bond and I see how much his son enjoys being near his dad and getting together. I've never been more than 'Tia' in SS's life and we get along very well. 

Two girls who were 5 and 9 when I met them.  They are now 26 and 30.  

I kind of agree that their natural personalities will carry through to adulthood.  My YSD was always a sunnier kid.. more optomistic.. more determined.. and smarter.  OSD was always more reserved (think wednesday adams), moody, smart but became quickly disinterested in doing the work to excel academically. She also had a much more entitled personality and blamed both her parents to an extent, for ruining her life with the divorce.. and that she would have had nicer things if her dad and mom had stayed together.  She resented any move of school or home they had to make.. she was mostly respectful of me.. but I would have never termed her relationship with me as close.  YSD.. she and I are still close.. going on vacation with her and her husband after christmas.. that would never happen with OSD.  OSD is a naturally more selfish person.. and one that does not really "love" other people... YSD.. loves "everyone". (well.. mostly..)

Mom had generally more custody... but was a high conflict and unstable personality compared to their dad and I .. I would say they love her as adults.. but also are well aware and wary of her dysfunctions.

I have a close relationship with YSD.. reserved and civil with OSD.  Both have been financially independent and lived independently as adults.. so that was nice.

I will say that my relationship with the older girl is better now that we no longer have to live together due to visitation...lol.

All you can really do is enforce standards of civility in your home.. expectations of behavior.  Being consistent.. fair.. and reasonable will be most effective.  Having a united front as a head of household unit is also key.  You don't undermine each other's authority.. and when you discover the kids trying to "opinion shop".between you and your SO. you make their consequence the least favorable for them so that they realize that is not going to gain them anything.  

In all lives a little rain will fall.. people will be human.. have frustrations.. bad moods. it happens... but you can definitely work as a team to make your household expectations crystal clear.. and on the same page between you and your SO... that is the best chance of success

If parents have mental illness, it is past along to the kids.  If BM drinks or did drugs when she was PG   It effects the kids.  These trates or lack of brain cells. Are permanent things that can't be change.  As a SP you are walking in when it's already too late.  I think there's are actually good Step relationships, what we don't here about ?  But mostly it just can't work out, 

'You have relationships, where the step couple.  Put the kids in a second class and they have a good time and relationship with themselves.  Then you have couple / where bio parent puts the kids first and you have the mess or relationships. 
But as a SP, there just nothing you can do.  Life was set before you were there.  You are just going on for the ride 

If parents have mental illness, it is past along to the kids.  If BM drinks or did drugs when she was PG   It effects the kids.  These trates or lack of brain cells. Are permanent things that can't be change.  As a SP you are walking in when it's already too late.  I think there's are actually good Step relationships, what we don't here about ?  But mostly it just can't work out, 

'You have relationships, where the step couple.  Put the kids in a second class and they have a good time and relationship with themselves.  Then you have couple / where bio parent puts the kids first and you have the mess or relationships. 
But as a SP, there just nothing you can do.  Life was set before you were there.  You are just going on for the ride 

Having them full time doesn’t change anything honestly.  DH got custody of Spawn when she was 10 and I raised her until she was 17 and it never changed anything.  Spawn was blindly loyal to her drug addict mother and mentally unstable grandhag.  We were just viewed as the shitty people who took Spawn away from her poor broken mother.  I have no contact with Spawn and haven’t since she was 17.  DH reconnected with Spawn back in 2019 for a few months then it all fizzled out when Covid really kicked in.  It wasn’t until last year Spawn reached out to DH basically to tell him he was a worthless parent, and she didn’t want anything to do with him.  I don’t think they have had any contact since then, but I don’t ask or care.

Mine are 21 (OSD) and 19 (YSD) now. At the moment, I'm actually pleasantly surprised with how they've both grown up. There were some very rough years in there. And OSD in particular was like a mini-BM. They were super, super enmeshed up until OSD went to university. There were so many times that I'd think everything was great, and then I'd be blindsided by hearing that they'd both told outrageous lies to BM or others about me. In retrospect, I think this was mostly a survival mechanism because BM definitely rewarded them for disparaging me/us, and froze them out (or was downright hostile towards them) if she sensed any positive relationship between them and anyone but her.

These days, both girls are proactive about maintaining a relationship with DD and me. They call, text, and visit often. They're gracious and appreciative of the things that I do for them. I actually enjoy their company. The common denominator between the two of them is that they're both living on their own, away from BM's home. I don't ask questions, but from what they've volunteered, their relationship with BM is very arms-length these days. And I think they're aware that they're happier, healthier, better people for it. We still have our moments, like any family does, but overall I'm really pleased with how things are turning out. I'm sure when they start heading towards marriage and children, there will be a whole new set of issues to be worked out. But for now, their young adulthood has been good to all of us. 

The SDs were 7 and 9 when I met DH and are now 18 and (almost) 21. 

It was always rocky - I blame both parents looking back, and DH now, after a LOT of therapy, admits his issues that certainly made my life with them problematic. BM of course will never admit to being wrong and PAS'd OSD out age 12-14.

DH has no relationship with OSD at all to this day. Certainly not me. OSD has reached out to DH's sisters and her cousin who live in the area where she's spending some time at another college this spring. I know his younger sister is not going to hold back with her. 

YSD is in college as well, across the country but keeps in touch with DH fairly regularly. I haven't spoken with her at all and she's not asked to speak or email me. DH was way overprotective of her with me the last few years and I disengaged from her when she was about 15 for my own sanity (I could do nothing, say nothing, help with nothing without DH commenting negatively on it). We had a good relationship up until then. I harbor no ill feelings towards her, but think we'll never be close at this point. 

YSD will be here with us sometime during her college winter break over Xmas, but I don't think DH has dates yet. The last two holidays, for me, were HORRIBLE, and I told DH, aside from cookie making (which I do for friends, neighbors, and co-workers), I am NOT helping with a damm thing. It's 100% on him because I was crushed by his (former) attidue and the SDs over the years. OSD will be in town as well, and DH is going to try to connect with her, which I support, as long as he maintains reality that she may not respond to him. 

I just concentrate on helping my niece and being a great aunt for her. I also love having the house to ourselves, no kids!

Ex step-daughter was an arrogant, know-it-all blowhard as a kid, and apparently is still that was as an adult (not sure, have had 0 contact since I divorced her mother).  The step-daughter did everything humanly possible to mimic and idolize her jackass bio-father, and you really saw his personality in her.  To her credit, last I heard, she had a real job and is supporting herself.  I figured she would be a wellfare mom with multiple baby daddy's, but that didn't happen.  She's not the type of person I would associate with as an adult, but she ended up doing pretty well.

Ex step-son was a blob as a kid, and I doubt that changed when he grew up.  Morbibly obese (>300 pounds), 0 hygiene (so he always smells), dead-end job, never had a girlfriend, few regular friends.  Still lives at home with his father, so far as I know.  He makes enough with his fast food job to pay a few bills, but if something happens and his dad loses his house, ex step-son will be in big trouble. 

I've been with DH for over 24 years and he had 2 daughters aged 4 and 9 and a son aged 6 when we met.  They are now 29, 31 and 34 and their basic personalities have really not changed.  Combine that with BM who actively PAS'd the kids and refused to deal with their issues has resulted in his eldest 2 kids being extremely problematic.  None of them I would describe as functional adults. SD34 has never held a full time job, chose to become a single parent during COVID and is currently living in a condo that we own with her newly acquired felon boyfriend.  SS30 is living with BM and has not held a job for over 5 years.  He blames DH and I for most if not all of his failures.  At this point I have nothing to do with these two. Youngest SD29, is still in university but slowly progressing.  She is a kind and thoughtful person and my DH and I  have a relationship with her. My DD42 is happily married, with 2 kids and working in a high profile job.  We have a great relationship with her and see all of them often.

My steps were boy, 15 and girl, 13, when I married and moved in with my DH. Whereas my SD considered me to be an intruder, stealing Daddeees affection and displacing her as the most important female in his life, My SS and I hit it off from the get-go. 

The PAS from BM was also responsible for my SD’s unrelenting bullying but when I finally began to retaliate, my DH insisted on therapy which opened his eyes to his DD’s impact on our marriage; he began to watch her closely and to impose some serious discipline.

After spending 6 months with her mother (they had previously shared 50/50 custody), my SD underwent a major attitude adjustment. She was never a cruel person, simply hurt and resentful. Eventually, we became friends and are now very comfortable with one another. 

My SS and I, however, share a deep bond of affection. He hugs me often, confides in me and (he and his wife are successful professionals) buys me thoughtful (and far too expensive) gifts for my birthday, Christmas and sometimes because he sees something that he thinks I’d like. When my DH underwent a triple bypass, my SS phoned me every day as well as driving 200 miles, round trip, to cut the grass and perform other maintenance chores. He is also an outstanding dad to his 2 sons who are both considerate, well-mannered young men. They are excellent students, very witty, and a joy to be around.

Both steps are successful adults who enjoy happy, long-term relationships with their partners. Their BM, a vain and selfish woman (aka ‘The Screamer), was a barely adequate parent but their dad, my beloved husband, was a dedicated and loving father who expected decent performance from his children. The example he presented, of morality, kindness, patience and responsibility was, IMHO, the reason that the steps turned out so well.

Were 7, 5 and 18 months.  The older two were taught to hate me and Chef right off the bat using Guerilla Atomic Scorched Earth PAS Warfare.   It wasn't long before SD was throwing rocks at me in public, searching my room and stealing from me all before the tender age of eight. 

The coup de gras was when the almost 7 yr old YSS intentionally crapped all over my house because he didn't get his way of getting up at 4:00 in the morning and surfing for toys on the internet with Chef.  I blame Chef for that precedent.

YSS soon PASed out over a home-cooked meal at our house.   The Girhippo would feed them only junk and fast food...frozen stuff from a box although she fancied herself a caterer and sold soup for a while that her own mother, BattleAxe Galactica, had made.

As soon as YSS was able to talk, it was like a switch had been flipped and he suddenly hated me.

OSS I had the most hope for but he completely ran with the loyalty bond and was the first to make up all kinds of excuses not to come to visitation which culminated with them calling CPS on us and making a phony CPS report. 

At this time the Girhippo was actually a CPS worker (how ironic) and she threw her quite massive weight around to run the fake report up the flagpole and get Chef listed on the New York State child abuse and maltreatment registry.   

Took me over a year to get Chef removed from the registry and to get it unfounded.  And it's a good thing too because it would have severely hampered his HVAC career where he had to work on the local Boys and Girls Club building.  Not that he was bringing any salary home to speak of after the massive CS came out of it.  He would have had more money left over if he was just a paper boy.  Of course I did and still do pay for all of the living expenses.

The overturning infuriated the Girhippo that she could no longer crow to all of her friends that her ex-husband is a child abuser-- I'm sure she still did tell that lie to everyone who would listen. I know for a fact her mother Battleaxe Galactica did.  She also lied and said that we didn't pay any child support and Chef (read: I) was paying her massive CS as Chef had volunteered to overpay her.  Of course she told this to the skids and they believed their sainted mom who pretends to be a church lady to this day.

You would think Chef would be appreciative and grateful after all these years and everything I've done for him. You would be wrong as most of us  SMs find out too late.

There were many other horrific incidents that occurred which are too detailed and lengthy to mention here. Suffice it to say that calling it Hell on Earth was a understatement and I'm totally glad that all three PASed out after 5 years of industrial strength nuclear PAS.

The Disneyland dad I used to deal with had middle school and high school aged kids. 
 

He enabled his son to be a lazy gamer who doesn't do much. He's of the age where he can get a job but both of his parents are too lazy to take him to the job and he has no friends he can ride with. 
 

I assume this behavior will continue into adulthood - no plans for the future, lazy, probably depend on an unsuspecting young woman IF he can pull on desperate enough to deal with him.

His daughter may have a little more drive. But she's still demanding and needy and clingy so unless he gets a job and a partner of her own I assume she will be up her dad rear even as an adult. 
 

Both his kids (and I could be wrong) will most likely be codependent emotionally and financially....well into adulthood unless there is some miracle 

Kids may see the light as part of growing up.  But people don't change,  what personally you see , it's it for life.  Kids sometimes play one parent against the other to get there way, money, no rules