It’s been while.. here we go!
Things have been ok so far. BM is still a pain but we don't hear from her hardly as much. Sadly I feel things are calm because SD is now never around . She plays volleyball in a club and now at school where she is a freshman so her schedule is literally full. We were hoping that she would start coming more when she got a break from the club but there she joined volleyball at her school so it's been non stop. She missed both her sisters b day in June and July , SD only came the weekend of her 15th birthday which was in August . MIL and family were sure to throw a big party for SD, I helped because thing with SD and I are so much better now. So that was the last time SD came. BM did communicate with DH that SD would not have a game this weekend which is DH weekend and it's also BS13 and SDs brother birthday weekend . Double birthday this Saturday and we are have a party at Main Event , I was glad SD would finally get to join for her siblings birthday and then BM tells DH that she does in fact have game Friday but DH could get her Saturday morning ( they live almost 3 hours away) we'll then SD says it's homecoming weekend so of course she wants to attend that so SD is not coming . I'm trying to not let it bother me because i understand it's her freshman year and first homecoming but she has constantly missed family events. It's hard for DH to even get his visitation time because she has a game literally every weekend so we can't even switch the weekends , since they live so far , it's hard to go out of town so often to even see her play, they never play here where we live or close. They also play where they live or even further out . I just don't even know what you do in a situation like this, she literally plays all year round
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She's getting older
She's getting older and starting to have her own life. It doesn't sound like there's any upset, just her having her own busy life. For most teenagers, myself actually, the family events were way down on my priority list compared to social events and friends.
This transition probably feels painful but to an outsider, it sounds normal. It means you guys have done a good job.
Yes, but
In nuclear families this would not happen. Teenage children would be expected to attend family events and birthdays and not crowded out with homecoming/sports. At the very least they would be expected to schedule in both.
So-called "blended" families get a free pass because if BM has been PASing in any way shape or form, the skid will take a clue and decide this to be an easy way to get out of associating with dad's family.
Yea, this is true even for my
Yea, this is true even for my BS13 who has EOW visits with his dad. I will get my son back for the time of his siblings birthday and then my ex would get him back when it's done. But also my BS13 doesn't like to miss his siblings birthdays as well. I think there is a lot of truth in what you are saying . SD gets a pass because of the PAS that BM has imposed, DH family is not seen as any importance. I get that teens will be teens but I can only speak on my family that my nephews who are teen do attend family events . It may not be every single one but they do make an effort .
Actually..most families would
Actually..most families would accomodate all the kid's schedules.. maybe have the celebrations of a birthday on a different day.. or different time of day to make sure all the kids got to go to their sports/social events like homecoming.
I don't know one person I grew up with who didn't attend their school dance because it was their little brother's birthday...
What's tougher in step life is that without knowing schedules.. of the other house.. and NC Skids..it's tough to plan.. so families just tend to plan without considering the other child..
Well we couldn't even do it
Well we couldn't even do it another weekend because her games are on Saturdays with the exception of this weekend which is DHs weekend . She has a game next Saturday, also I won't have my BS 13 because that is his dads weekend and he is also doing something for him so I'm not gonna force my ex to change around his plans and his visitation, she has a game the Saturday after that as well.
When you are talking about
When you are talking about teens.. especially ones that are heavily scheduled due to extra curricular activities.. you just plan your events as you can.. it will probably mean she will not attend many of the birthday dinners etc.. and honestly.. it's ok.. she isn't a full time resident.. she has obligations when she signs up for these sports.. so it kind of is what it is.. it's not like she is just generally saying she would rather paint her nails than attend a bday dinner.. and I would put homecoming for a teen as a pretty big deal.. I would not expect them to skip that for a birthday cake thing.
I might think it would be good.. if she would call or post a facebook happy birthday etc.. though.
but, she's a teen.. she isn't going to be available like younger kids might be.
lol she has never called or
lol she has never called or anything for birthdays , not even her own father. This is more learned selfishness. She has been available many times but just decided to not come . Again I have 5 teens in my family and me growing up as a teen did attend family functions. This is just more excuses for a person who has already opted out of a family yet still expects us to do for her . That's about it
I agree that having a child
I agree that having a child who is engaged in extracurriculars and has interests outside the family is a natural progression as they grow up and infinitely preferable to raising a kid who doesn't care about or make an effort to do anything besides the bare minimum. We've always scheduled DD's parties around both SDs' availability. As they got older, there have been times when they haven't attended something because of a conflict, but if it was a date/time within my control, their schedules have always been a consideration.
I think this is the way most intact families function (at least the ones I'm close with) when it comes to siblings being busy and involved in stuff outside the family. For instance, I was a dancer through college and my sister's birthday is right in middle of the typical spring performance season for dance schools. So my parents rarely threw her a party on or even immediately adjacent to her actual birthday. The same accommodations were made when it was my birthday in middle of her basketball season.
By the same token, we were expected to attend our siblings' special events, especially if schedules were changed to allow for it. There may not be incentive to this for a kid who has a habit of not showing up for stuff.
It's really tough with SDs
It's really tough with SDs scheduling because she plays all year round like this weekend which is a free Saturday, she has homecoming . So we were to plan parties around her schedule it most likely would never ever happen but she did make time and we all made time to have a party for her. So yea it sort of sucks and especially when I paid for her ( the party place charges per person) I'll just get a refund for that I guess . I hate to just plan things with out considering her but I may have to
A random thing in SOs family.
A random thing in SOs family.. one of his brothers and SIL who literally do almost everything with their adult kids (25 and 27) vacation... dinners.. just time spent in general... Thier kids miss the MOST family events... birthdays... graduation parties etc. Out of the 12 kids between SO and his siblings.. The ones with the most solid nuclear parents miss the most..
It seems like that 3hr
It seems like that 3hr distance is killer right now. It is close enough for regular visits but too far for shorter visits that accommodate her increased commitments and social life.
Im sorry it is affecting your family like this. Trying to stay detached is a good idea I think.
There is always some bullshit excuse. Smack BM with contempt.
This is not about her brother's B-day. This is about the COd visitation schedule.
Sports, dances, dates with her BF, etc... none are reasons for BM to facilitate a violation of the visitation CO.
She is a freshman, in the relative progression of the HS sequence of events, freshman are not highly socially engaged. Next year, maybe, Jr. and Sr. year, sure. But even then. COd visitation is not discretionary by anyone other than the NCP. It may be a strong position to motivate SD to make damned sure she engages in visitation per the CO. If she works with daddy with direct communication from a relationship built on the foundation of consistent COd visitation, maybe she will be able to talk with daddy about a dance.... in the future. After SD proves herself and learns to keep manipulative BM in her place. Part of that clarity will be seeing mommy get the snot beat out of her legally in court with countless contempt motions any time BM welches on the COd structures.
Smack BM with the contempt motion. Each and every time she refuses/fails to deliver SD per the visitation CO.
Part of parenting in a failed family COD raising capacity is ensuring that the kids know the facts and the requirement for parents to abide by the CO. It also includes defending the child within the structure of the CO. The opposition parent does not get to violate the CO by using manipulation of the SKid's fee fees. or any other manipulative tool. They comply with the CO unless the NCP chooses to not take a visitaiton. Only the NCP has the decision on that.
IMHO of course.
Your theory on how to make it
Your theory on how to make it work is great... but.... being the oldest of 3 siblings... I was not missing homecoming for one of my brother's birthdays. You only get 4 of them... your siblings have more birthdays.
As someone who played 3 seasons of high school sports... I wasn't missing my games for say... a siblings birthday party...
This just isn't a reality in most people's lives.
Well the sports thing I get I
Well the sports thing I get I guess but the homecoming I don't get, the party is during the day and homecoming is at night . Also if she wanted to skip the party she could have at least let us know ahead and not the day before . We planned and paid for her to come because BM made it clear she would come this weekend which is DH weekend. I'm sure BM knew it was gonna be homecoming weekend as this normally takes a lot planning. It probably would not be a big deal if she came to make one of her siblings birthdays but she has missed them all. Every single year
I usually lean toward not
I usually lean toward not taking crap from skids/exes/in-laws, but this situation has positives. SD has a social life and isn't sulking around your house giving you dirty looks. As far as not being as excited about her younger siblings' parties, i would say that is also not so bad. Most teens would choose their sports and homecoming over little kid parties. And i find an indifferent older half sister to be less creepy and annoying than the few i've read about on here who try to "take over" with the house or younger kids. Enjoy your peace and she can enjoy her games and dances. Win/win IMO.
Yea I get it, I mean her step
Yea I get it, I mean her step brother whom she actually gets along with is turning 13 ( it's a double birthday since with her step brother and her half brother since they are 2 days apart) so it more then likely hurts BS13 that she is not coming . I am probably mostly upset because she made a big deal about her birthday which she sure did make sure she came to and we all attended . A big party was made for her by the in laws. But when it comes timE for her to be here for anyone in this family she is not around at all. She wants everyone to do for her and she does nothing in return so next year I am opting out of her birthday planning and helping with expenses .
"next year I am opting out of
"next year I am opting out of her birthday planning and helping with expenses"
Totally. As far as extras like birthdays and holidays, only do what you can do with a joyful heart. Her dad can do the rest. Teens aren't generally the most appreciative anyway, and with a skid with a hostile BM, you are likely damned if you do and damned if you don't anyway.
When you live so far away from your kids
This stuff will happens. 3 hours away means DH is driving 6 hours for the pick up and drop off. If you lived closer you could have your weekend and still drop her off for homecoming . But when you are 3 hours away you limit your time. It's almost like the kids who have to fly for visitation.
'Living 3 hours away stop your DH from parenting his kids. And it's DH problem for living so far away
A 3hr drive would put this
A 3hr drive would put this very close to a long distance visitation situation. Most States transition from local to LD visitation models at 200 miles between the CP and NCP households.
I nour case, it was never nearer than 1200 miles. In our case, the CO clearly stipulates that each party is responsible for transporting the kid to their location.
Your DH may want to take a run at shifting to LD visitation. Which will put the onus on transport of SD from your location to BM's on BM. It will also give him longer periods of dedicated time with SD, she can engage in your family without the constant manipulation of BM, and.... since LD visitation tends to include time in the Summer, over Winter break, and Spring break with some alternating holidays, her teen/HS years can progress with limited impact to sports and dances caused by the visitation schedule.
Yes, LD visitation schedules can mean that B-day celebrations happen and the visiting kid may not be there. My SS only had a single birthday celebration with the NCP Spermclan. His 18th and that only happened because he asked for his final COd SpermLand visitation to be extended so he could be there for his birthday. Because we had a communicative relationship with my SKid, we worked with that. His school/social life had little interferance from them. We never denied visitation or denied him a relationship with them. They declined a number of visitations and on several occasions refused visitaton for a year or more. When that happened, we would pay their visitation travel costs to make sure that SS was no longer denied visitation with them. due to their tendency to cry poor mouth on not being able to afford air fare to get him from our location to theirs.
Good luck with all of this. We have lived the challenges. Or at least our version of the challenges.
DH and BM meet half way so it
DH and BM meet half way so it's more like 1.5 hours maybe longer it her stops for gas. Sometimes if there if not traffic he can make it sooner . She has a game Friday she he planned to get her early this morning so she could make it to the party at 1:30pm but she said she can't come ( she doesn't want to come ) because of homecoming later that night , which DH didn't know was happening
Aha! Now I understand BM's
Aha! Now I understand BM's reluctance to abide by the custody agreement; she's too lazy to inconvenience herself by having to drive 3 hours round-trip! I'll bet the farm that the effort and expense of that long drive (nearly 200 miles?) is what's behind all the excuses.
If I recall SD was a huge
If I recall SD was a huge PITA to you. I also predicted she would eventually stop coming over altogether so it is a blessing in disguise. Teens want independence. That's actually normal and healthy (unlike the ones we see who never leave their room). There also a huge age gap and some resentment between her and this siblings. If you're thinking it will change, I doubt it. I predict you'll see even less of her as the years go on. Just do for your kids and be glad she's not causing problems
Yea it's just sad to see
Yea it's just sad to see especially when I thought she was coming around and actually caring for a short short time . It's been hard for me to establish a relationship with her because I want to be close to her but she is not her or she does stuff like this . I was not raised to treat sibling or family members this way and I raise my kids the same. I'm from a tight Hispanic family and it's considered rude in my family if you are not attending family event such as birthdays and such. We always attended birthday events
through my teens year and even now, I don't use "they are a teen" as a excuse . In my family being a teen is not a excuse to be selfish and rude . But that's just how I was raised . Man if I missed my siblings birthday or grandmas birthday everyone would be asking what is more important then family, again that is just my background. I understand others don't have this background but it's hard to look the other way when you do for one and they do nothing in return .
i wanted to add that DH family is this way as well, everyone attends birthdays even my DH niece who is now 21, she has always been to our kids birthdays so it's more how you are raised . BM has proved that they only thing that's important to SD is herself . This is learned behavior
I'm on team family event
I'm on team family event myself. Though in a COD/SKid situation any number of events are missed on either side of their extended family due to visitation schedules that keep them with the other side at any given time.
Due to the CO Visitation SheduleSS never had Christmas, Thanks Giving, and only one birthday with the SpermClan. We never had July 4th. He was always with us on his B-day, his mom's B-day, and mine as well. He never mentioned SpermClan birthdays.
They never once called him during the CO years.
You are fortunate to have the close family that you do. Unfortunately, COD kids generally do not have that level of connection on either side.