Update-not wanting to celebrate SS

As you all know right now I want nothing to do with SS. His birthday is today and of course last night SO asks me to pick up cupcakes today. I said I wasn't going to . He screamed at me , said a lot of bad stuff, and slept in another room. I guess I am a horrible person .

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Being verbally abusive to you

Being verbally abusive to you is not exactly going to make you want to fetch the cupcakes, huh? And no, you are not a horrible person, you are someone who has had enough and has set a boundary. Good for you.

Not at all surprising even

Not at all surprising even though he already knew your boundary. He's kind of like my husband... Knows the boundary *but doesn't like it. However he doesn't have a say in what your boundary is and you don't have to explain it.

If it were myself I would keep it short. "We already discussed I am having nothing to do with the party and you know the reason already. I will see you after the party" Nows your chance to show him that you are serious about what you said. He knows he's wrong..

He knows what he's doing with his son is wrong however what he does is more important to him then the fact that this all affects you negatively and in reality does not actually help his child whatsoever... He's acting purely out of fear and selfishness. He's not considering your feelings yet again.

You gave him a couple chances to change and improve and he promised things. Yet he still backs out of what he promises. He's not reliable. Stick to your plan. Keep it non emotional if possible. Calmly state your piece and leave.

He either meant what he said to you or he didn't. You can play that card.

There are things you have to

There are things you have to accept here.. and learn to live with.. or leave.

Your husband won't turn his back on his kids. He may be frustrated with how he is treated and at time do his "never again" talk.. but he doesn't mean it. He is blowing off steam.

And that sucks for you because you feel like he has seen the light and will change.. but don't listen to his words.. look at his actions.. and they do not EVER match the "empty threats".

If you ever think he will see the light.. see how they treat him.. you will continue to be disappointed... so either just accept it.. or leave for your own sanity's sake.

AND something else you will need to understand.. he will expect you to support him with his kids. If he needs cake and ice cream.. and you normally run errands for him.. he will expect it and he doesn't believe you should be saying "no" to him.

The fact that he loses cool with you is unacceptable.. but I'm guessing not the first time?

Look at what your life is with him.. and either decide he and all the baggage is "worth it".. or it's not.. and it's time to walk. What you can't do to yourself is constantly worry over every bit of driving or moneybagging he is doing for his kids... it won't change what he does.. and all it does is make you a target for his frustration.. so you have to learn to quietly get along and go along.. or make plans to get out.

If she clearly said she didn

If she clearly said she didn't want anything to do with this party, he had to expect her to say no. To say that a stepmom is expected to support him with his kids goes against the whole premise of disengaging.

Boundaries /disengagement is

Boundaries /disengagement is definitely justified here. The way I look at it is this behavior is not tolerable any longer. So she knows one thing for sure... She's not ok with what he's doing. So she can disengage and set a boundary, or she can live unhappy with how things are and go along with it all, or she can leave. However it seems like him changing is not going to be an option. Disengaging seems fitting in that case.

I know this doesn't have to

I know this doesn't have to do with drinking however it does remind me of the general principals that some people take when dealing with an alcoholic. (alanon). I suppose you could say his son is the addiction rather than alcohol. With an alcoholic you might say, I don't agree to your drinking however they are still doing it. So then the choice is that a boundary is set.. You are not changing what they do but you are not going to be involved with it, support it, encourage it, contribute toward it and won't be around it. The boundary is for yourself. They have to want to change on their own. That is the hard part.

My point was that her kind of

My point was more that her kind of disengagement will not likely work if she wants to be in a relationship with this guy.

and.. tbh.. you can be disengaged and do your partner a favor like picking up cup cakes... buying a bakery good doesn't mean you are emotionally invested in any of it. it can be an errand like any other errand.

I don't feel you have to cease any contact or have anything to do with your partner's kids in order to practice disengagement.. you can be emotionally disengaged.. not involved in the outcome concerns etc.. I was pretty disengaged from my DH's older daughter.. but that didn't mean there weren't times I did favors for him.. including picking up his girls for visitation etc.. that in my mind were favors for HIM.. not the girls.

The bigger issue for OP is her husband yelling at her abusively.. no matter his reason for it.. is that acceptable in a partner? in my mind.. NO...

But... if she feels the juice is worth the squeeze.. she may need to learn that her opinion in any negative way.. is not going to create harmony for her in her home. she may need to learn to emotionally and mentally "check out".. and just white noise herself when he talks about kids etc.. and when he vents to her.. do the same..

I don't think there is any changing this situation.. so while I'm not saying that SP's need to just suck it up.. either it's worth it to do that sometimes.. or it isn't.. we suck things up all the time for a variety of situations.. at work.. with partners.. with family etc... when the pain is bigger than the benefit.. then it's time to cut the rope.

I would also say that disengagement gets you to a point where you don't CARE.. so the kid is a jerk to his dad.. Oh Well.. DH..

So DH goes back on his claim he won't do the extras.. crickets.. hm.. guess I will spend that time bingewatching my fave new series.. hit the gym.. meet a friend for drinks..

DH crows about some minor accomplishment.. "that's nice dear". while mentally putting together your shopping list for the next grocery run.

DH asks you if you can get cupcakes.. "Sure.. will pick up a bottle of wine for me to enjoy while you have your celebration with SS"

remember, the KID doesn't care about the cupcakes.. or even want one (per what OP said the other day).. so this isn't a favor for the KID ..it's a favor for her partner.. and either she wants to do something to make her partner's life eaiser or she doesn't. it doesn't have to be about the kid at all really.... if she does it.

You can't stop the things from happening.. you can stop how you react to them. You can also decline invitations.. and you CAN tell him you can't pick up the cupcakes ... but dooing it and saying that it's because your are "disengaged" is just going to result in blowback.. so.. a case of you can be "right and justified".. or you can accomplish what you want which is to not be bothered by his kid.

The cupcake thing is kind of

The cupcake thing is kind of like a symbolic area. It's not about the cupcake itself. It's the boundary. Also... Just why can't he get his own kid the cupcake? Not to get into a huge sexism thing but why does it always fall on the woman for cake and presents? Even when it's a step mom...

This guy doesn't have my sympathy whatsoever. He promised to change and it's just getting proven that he made the promise to keep Rocky happy. And he doesn't have truth behind his promises.

To me it seems like he's been emotionally or verbally abusive prior to this also? Or kind of like a big man baby that pushes his weight around to intimidate?

And I might add. My SO does

And I might add. My SO does stuff for groceries stores and I said you will be at a store pick up the cupcakes. He said he doesn't like that store.

Cupcakes on purpose..

I think he's asking that request for cupcakes to push your buttons on purpose to test if you are serious. And also so he can be mad and get to say his piece

Probably at this point I wouldn't buy them but also not make a big deal. Don't get them but just be busy doing your own thing to avoid it all. Go shopping out of town or something

You can't have drama with only one person participating. He can stew.. Or he can just go on to plan a nice time for him and his son... Which is the point..

Yep

This is a power play, plain and simple.

I know that I am over the top

I know that I am over the top with saying no about the picking up of cupcakes. There is just so much that goes on with him trying to make me like he is with the kids that I have to be this way unfortunately. Plus SO has now invited his parents to house for this and I see no way out of not being there so I have to stand firm on this cupcake thing. Plus I might add that SS and SD never eat whatever desert we get for them on their birthday. They want nothing SO does for them unless it is an actual gift. And just yesterday SS came in the house (they don't stay with us anymore, so I don't agree with them just walking in , but I don't bring that up) and wants his social security card. SO was working late and I said let me see if I can find it. I got it handed it to him . No thank you or anything. I asked SO if he knew he was coming for it and he didn't . SO said was he nice . I said he did not say thank you. But then I get screamed at for setting boundaries for my self.

Not Over The Top

I'm team DO NOT PICK UP CUPCAKES. Your SO is clearly aware of your stance and is pushing you to do things you don't want to do. He's breaking YOUR boundary.

For what it's worth, you CAN disengage 100%. I'm the proof. DH would not think to ask me to do anything that would benefit his kids. As someone said on one of my comments, you cannot treat the SM like crap then expect the "mom" benefits from the SM. His kid is a POS to you; no need to pick up cupcakes.

Your bigger issue here is your SO. Yelling at you, not supporting you, etc in the SK area won't change. You have some decisions to make.

I have to keep this boundary

I have to keep this boundary about not picking up the cupcakes, even though it seems sad and pathetic on my part. I already had to bend about being there. And he spent way more for a gift then he was supposed too. I will busy myself and I am sure it is only going to be like 15 minutes. I have to prove the point that boundaries can be made and not broken.

Watch, the skids might not

Watch, the skids might not even eat the damn things, or even show for the party.

They might not show. They are

They might not show. They are getting ready to go on vacation with BM. She may say they are too busy to be bothered. The only thing that will make SS come is he is getting gifts.

Regarding cupcakes..

I think this can be YOUR moment. Where you held strong and did what you needed for you. I had a breaking point moment like this with my ex husband at one time and it felt good to assert myself in that moment.

I get what you're saying and

I get what you're saying and you're probably right. It just makes me wonder, though. People are given the advice "disengage" as often as they are told to get a therapist. But is it really possible? This OP's skids don't live with them and don't stay over, ever. If she can't truly disengage, who can?

I know right. There should be

I know right. There should be absolutely no reason I can't disengage.

SO knows you want to

SO knows you want to disengage and doesn't like this thought. He wants you by his side to maintain whatever unhealthy dynamic he has going. Since you bowed out he is left to the toxic on his own and doesn't like this. The question is will that be enough for the behaviour to change? Not likely. But at least then you aren't around for all of it... I think you should disengage. I think it's ok that he doesnt like it. Why should he be so comfortable doing things that are not good for your relationship?

She can disengage.. but

She can disengage.. but disengagement may mean in some situations.. just mentally "turning off".. It may not necessarily mean it's a viable possibiity to avoid any and all contact or interraction.. but to not care.. again.. mentally pre occupy with other things. like if his family is there.. spend time talking to them.. or be "busy in the kitchen".. while they go through their rigamarole.. you can be "at" the party.. while not celebrating anything at all.

I see disengagement as maybe a more mental and emotional divorce from things.. not going out of your way to do things for the kids themselves.. but probably still doing things that they may get some benefit from.. like when they eat the "family meal".. or when you pick up the cakes from that bakery you pass on your way home at your husband's request.

I mean.. sure... if he could easily go.. then you can say.. "gee.. swamped with work.. don't think I will be able to get by there tomorrow you will have to do that" but unless you want the "fight".. don't say "I told you I'm disengaged from your son.. I refuse to pick up cupcakes" . We all know saying the second is going to cause drama..

I actually think that part of

I actually think that part of the issue here is that she told him she was disengaging, if I'm not mistaken. That can actually set up a dynamic where the bio parent tries even harder to rope the SP into things.

Disengagement is like fight club (old movie reference).. we don't talk about fight club.. or disengagement. Because simply fading back and not stepping up as much... not participating emotionally.. those are things we do for our own sanity.. and they don't need to be announced to our partners as if they are some kind of punishment or consequence or petty reaction.

That's why she probably could have simply said.. "ohhh won't have time to do that SO, you will have to pick them up" if he didn't already know she had this boundary of "not doing anything for or with your bad kids" So, every time she declines to help him with something like that.. he hears "you hate my kids.. you hate me" and that causes more drama she has to deal with.

Unfortunately, once you say it.. it can't be unsaid.

Now, there are things that have to be communicated.. like.. "I can't watch your children because they don't listen to me and you undermine my authority with them". or "I can't pick them up because BM is hostile to me".. etc..

but for disengagement.. saying as little as possible is generally best.. because we are usually dealing with parents that are willfully or woefully ignoring their kid's faults and there is zero point in banging our heads on that wall..lol.

I tried not to just say what

I tried not to just say what I was doing and let it play out. But he is non-stop badgering about all of it. He tries to guilt me in to things about his kids all the time. There was no way around it for me. I had to come right out and say that I just really can't do anything with or for your kids right now. I told him I wish it was different but if he can't have consequences for his kids and make them be polite I don't want to be around it to hear it and I don't want to hear about it from him. I never wanted it to come to the point where I won't even pick up cupcakes. But unfortunately it has.

Look, he has been happy to

Look, he has been happy to eat shit sandwiches for years because he was scared not to. Those shit sandwiches were never to your taste and you have finally decided you no longer want to eat the effin' things. What'sso hard to understand about that?

I think it's past time for counselling.

I think

it's time to draw her line in the sand, and that means not making up some fake reason/excuse for not doing her Master's bidding. But then I am of the opinion that we should always be as direct and honest as possible even when doing so will cause a fight. I detest buttering someone up to get what you want and this is the reverse of that. If you can't get by in a relationship without hiding your true motive/feelings is that really a healthy relationship in which you can feel secure? And if you can't be straight with your partner because he'll blow up you're in an abusive relationship.

This guy deliberately told her when "they" were holding his son's party in front of SS to force her hand after she had told him she wasn't participating. That worked so he's moved onto another demand, the stupid cupcakes. So what's next?

I'm wondering if SO is taking out his feelings of powerlessness on her by bullying her. He can't control SS but he can push her around and feel like a MAN.

Sometimes, we have to choose

Sometimes, we have to choose peace over drama and sometimes that means we have to pick our battles.

Now, in her case.. her SO's ABUSIVENESS is something that would be a hill to die on for me. Absolutely not.. that would not be something I would entertain.. him being nasty to me.. berating me..

And.. I don't think we need to "eat crap sandwiches".. but if you are at a buffet that ONLY serves "crap sandwiches".. you have three choices.. you can eat what they are serving, sit quietly and not eat. or leave and go to the pizza place up the street.

They have been to counseling... the counselor has TOLD him that he needs to allow her to back off if she wants.. but he pushes and pushes.. and gets irate when she doesn't comply and go along. her options are pretty much the ones above.. she isn't going to change the menu.. it is firmly etched in stone. he won't "be better".. he will always go back to catering to his kids. he may be unhappy at some of their behaviors but damn her if SHE agrees or tries to point it out.. there is ZERO winning for her.. and he won't let her disengage.. he knows she is trying to do that.. and he won't let her.. again.. that menu is firmly printed in indelible ink.

She can set boundaries.. and stick to them.. she will be punished for it.

I guess she needs to decide if the punishment is worth the relationship to her.. because that is at the end of the day, her call.

I hope the "party" was low key.. hope the kid didn't even stay 2 minutes.. .

My point was more that her

My point was more that her kind of disengagement will not likely work if she wants to be in a relationship with this guy.

My ex Disney Dad admitted he could tell I was tense and absent every weekend his kids arrived and he said he noticed I wasn't as involved with them (aka being their new mom 2.0 doing his ex wife and his job combined) so he pulled back emotionally

He admitted this.

This i why I said in my post that you can disengage but as obtuse as these dudes are oh best believe they suddenly get a clue when you disappear on them when their kids are around ESPECIALLY if you disengage during holidays or major milestones .... they have long memories if they think they're/their kids being slighted very good chance they will act passive aggressively towards you.

I agree, it sounds like your

I agree, it sounds like your "D" H is trying to fk with you by asking. You have been visibly upset for over a year and set a boundary. It wasn't a cupcake emergency. There was no reason for him to ask you except to be cruel. You said no, as expected, and it gave him an excuse to scream at you. This man is cruel. To you, anyway. Maybe it's the pent-up anger from having to cower and kiss BM and the skids' asses for so many years.

The horrible person is your

The horrible person is your Significant Orifice. You set a boundary, Orifice tried to smash through it, and you held fast. I hope there was a wayward spring poking him in the arse while he slept in the other room.

So cook what you want to eat

Something big because of in laws, Tell DH once again ,you will not be disrespected by his kids, and the cup cakes or birthday cake is on him. If SS donesnt want to come over because your are not kissing his a$$. That's on him. You know that is going to happen once rhe ATM closes down.

DH must realize his shot at the "HAPPY FAMILY ". Was him BM and there kids. When he divorced the BM. The Happy Family thing was divorced with his marriage. He can't recreate something that's not there. His crappy parenting created the disrespect from his kids. What he did nothing about. This is the result.

There isn't even food to be

There isn't even food to be made. It is going to be throwing down a box of cupcakes to make it look like SO is doing his part with SS It is just a money/gift grab for the SS. If not he wouldn't come over. He will not even eat a cupcake. And I wish SO would get it through his thick skull that there is no happy family. At this point there is not even any type of relationship with me and his kids , and for that matter , he doesn't even have a relationship with his kids. At this point I am like do whatever you think you need to do for your kids but leave me out of it. They don't live with us and it shouldn't be this hard. He just can't do it.

"Pick up your own EFFING

"Pick up your own EFFING CUPCAKES"
Cross arms. Smirk.

Sorry.

I feel like this was a setup.

I feel like this was a setup. Your DH knew that you would say no, and he asked you to pick up the cupcakes anyway. I think he wanted an excuse to be an ass to you, probably to release the anger he feels over his kids being such jerks. This is beyond unfair to you and is bordering on abusive.

Stick with your boundary

I am also on "Team No Cupcakes" for a number of reasons which have all been mentioned already. Sure, it can be said that it is just picking up cupcakes, but it is indeed symbolic. There is a bigger issue here and you are aware of that already. What I want to add is that you cannot pick up the cupcakes now. You cannot. Even if you had a change of heart, do not pick them up. You set a boundary. You need to stick with it. If you relent now, then that sets the stage for more disrespect. Do not do it.

SS. His birthday is today and

SS. His birthday is today and of course last night SO asks me to pick up cupcakes today. I said I wasn't going to . He screamed at me , said a lot of bad stuff, and slept in another room. I guess I am a horrible person .

you're not horrible your husband is horrible for putting your marriage as a non priority and communicating with you like an emotionally abusive jerk

when it comes to Disneyland dads who destroy their marriage, if talking and therapy isn't working then sometimes you have to play the game but better than them.

ALWAYS be one step ahead and ask hella questions to you have intel to make moves that suit YOUR needs.

You knew the birthday was coming up, you had no desire to attend or help with preparation .... so you have to figure a way to have something important come up where you cannot be ss beck n call servant.

Me personally I would have booked overtime at work (most men can't compete with your employer, Make plans to see ailing family (can't argue with you about trying to spend final moments with aunt Edna), or anything else

If I could have done this I

If I could have done this I would. But my SO is always in my business. I had already avoided the entire weekend with him and travel ball by filing it with my family. I had thought about the working late thing but he knows this is my slow time at work. There is only so much avoidness I can come up Oh and the kids didn't eat the cupcakes.

How did his parents react to

How did his parents react to ss just taking his gift(s) and leaving without touching the cupcakes? Or does ss make an effort for them?

I didn't watch how they

I didn't watch how they reacted. I went in the other room. SO sister and brother in law stopped in too so I just talked to them in another room. It was very short because the kids said they were tired and wanted to be taken home so everyone left. SO seems better with me this morning and I am guessing it is because he knows it was ridiculous and then the kids didn't even eat them.

Screaming at you was a deal breaker IMHO.

Tolerate no more of his juvenile toxic dipshit crap and end it now.

I would.

Take care of you.

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Update-not wanting to celebrate SS

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